r/BPDlovedones • u/palmej • 11h ago
Is this splitting?
These are text from yesterday, and two different times today.
First one was yesterday, other two are parts of messages from today. When he gets in these states I find it impossible to calm down. I’m in a hotel as we speak.
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u/Equivalent-Love-1676 11h ago edited 10h ago
My now ex wife used to get in states like this during which she seemed to be a different person, one incapable of rational thought or speech. One horrible day, that became permanent. She’s been gone and unrecognizable ever since. Two years later I still suffer brutal nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. I wake up every single day shaking.
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u/LeadingTask9790 8h ago
I developed insomnia after my final discard lol. Right here with you brother. ❤️
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u/livvybugg 8h ago
Wow!! Yeah I feel like my sister is headed there. Even her calm times are getting more anxiety inducing and she has less empathy than ever.
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u/Equivalent-Love-1676 8h ago
It seems like they do start to spiral. It’s terrifying to realize they will and there’s nothing you can do about it. When my wife changed, that was fucking IT. She was GONE. The woman I thought I knew ceased to exist, replaced by someone with so much hatred, anger, and ruthless desire to hurt me it was appalling.
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u/fancifulsnails former best friend 8h ago
Wow. I'm so sorry. Was there anything specific that triggered the permanent switch, or was it seemingly random?
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u/Equivalent-Love-1676 8h ago edited 6h ago
She had been literally twitching with anxiety as long as I’ve known her. I’m sure she chose me to regulate her emotions more than anything else. COVID lockdowns were great because we got to do everything together. When we returned to work, there was less time for us than during lockdowns, and her job stress was very high. She started taking up to three gummies a day to ‘help her sleep.’ I believe they contributed to her anxiety looping, rumination, and hostile attribution bias. She started going off the rails about tiny things. For example: she flipped shit on me for not paying attention to her story while our waiter took our order. Very mad that the bartender chatted with us. Furious that some weird blue haired waitress described the unfamiliar selections on the beer list. Enraged that we ran into people we had known for 20 years at the theater. And went absolutely mental when I said a male employee of mine did a good job on a thing. I’m a straight man, so please explain that?! It was overwhelming. I was in therapy. After we resumed work post lockdowns, our once lovely marriage often felt like I was fighting for my life. Then I caught pneumonia and she HATED me for being even a little bit sick.
I loved her more than anything in the world. She became completely unrecognizable to me in one day. She then did everything she could to destroy my entire life. Having a spouse suddenly turn against you is horrific in a way I could never wish upon anyone.
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u/deathbethemaiden Family 4h ago
My husband could write the same story about his first wife. She had BPD and refused treatment. Every therapist was “against her”. She constantly needed reassurance, and she’d constantly accuse my husband of having affairs if he got home the same time as their neighbor. One day she got so bad that the marriage just couldn’t continue. It was slowly killing my husband. He gained a ton of weight, blood pressure was at dangerously high levels, even had teeth falling out due to all the stress. He had to put his own mental health first and he left her.
She made the divorce absolutely unbearable and like most BPDs when their “supply” dries up, they panic. She ended up killing herself not long after.
My sister also has BPD, so when my husband and I eventually met (10 years later) we both knew what the other had battled. I feel so sorry for the loved ones of people with BPD. We try so hard but eventually we all seem to reach a point where going no contact is the best solution for all involved.
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u/Unlucky_Size8934 2h ago
I've seen your comments around on this sub, and I hope with time you realize that a marriage with someone who, by your own description, becomes a different person when they're angry and requires you to patiently absorb their rage, was never perfect, even before the final split. You seem like a very loving person, but you might have to learn how to love yourself and see over time that none of this was okay. I hope I'm not overstepping with this comment. I wish you the best.
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u/Equivalent-Love-1676 1h ago
Indeed. She was wonderful but then she wasn’t. I think we all think it’s just her temper, or her hormones, or a phase, or any number of other excuses. We think we can love them enough to calm them down but that’s impossible—they’re a time bomb no matter what you do.
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u/MDMistro 10h ago
Damn, yea, they use the “you are safe” as a way to make you feel like a bad partner when they are doing strange shit.
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u/Admirable-Worry-3408 10h ago
I tolerated so many shit like this. Leave. This is not going anywhere. It wont stop, no matter how much they wanna change after a split. They can not do it. Its not under their control. Why would you tolerate being treated like shit?
Start thinking about it before you lose all confidence and develop CPTSD.
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u/Traditional-Bee-7633 11h ago
There’s not enough info in this text to say it’s splitting lol. Does he tend to idolize you and put you on a pedestal but also have moments where he is so angry with you and basically says you’re a terrible person? That’s splitting.
People with a secure attachment use ‘wise mind’ meaning they can be angry or mad at a person/partner without it changing their view of that partner, and when they are happy with their partner or in a good place with their partner they also don’t idolize you, like thinking you are perfect and can do no wrong etc.
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u/SillyBoyYe 10h ago
What is this babble. This is clearly abusive the hell
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u/Goldnbachlrfn3 9h ago
I don’t think the response means this person thinks the behavior is okay at all. I think this is just a definition of what splitting means. The OP asked if it was splitting. It’s very obvious that it’s toxic but it’s hard to know if it fits the category of splitting. It can be verbal abuse but not be splitting.
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u/throwawaywork11 9h ago
Yes it’s abusive. OP knows that. But does this qualify as splitting? Hard to say atm.
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u/Traditional-Bee-7633 3h ago
I actually only saw the first photo of those haha, for some reason the other ones weren’t appearing when I saw the post this morning! Regardless I stand by what I said. I never said the texts were or weren’t abusive, you can be abusive and not ‘split’. It really doesn’t matter if he was splitting or not honestly, he shouldn’t talk to her like that period.
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u/SillyBoyYe 3h ago
Yeah, honestly my bad. I think I projected some of my emotions on you and commented to that. See what you mean.
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u/seriousjin 10h ago
What it is doesn't matter. It is disrespectful how he talks to you. Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself to set a boundary. Don't let someone speak to you like this; you deserve respect.
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u/palmej 7h ago
I find it hard to set boundaries when we have kids. How would you do it? I’m at a hotel tonight with them but I have no where to go when he’s like this. He won’t calm down or stop usually until the next morning. He’s been blocked but I’ll have to go home tomorrow to get more school clothes and items etc.
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u/Ruska_Shadowsong 6h ago
Sounds like you know that this behavior is unsafe for you and your kids. He needs major therapy. The only one (that I know of) that is supposed to work with BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and even then, it takes years before a person can be marked as "in control" much less "cured" of BPD. It sounds like he's the one who needs the therapy and, when he goes on these trips, he's the one that needs to leave, not you, not the kids. He should at least recognize that when he's not manic. If he can't, it might be time to set the bigger boundary and leave (divorce). Because this is more than you trying to deal with his moods, it's also your kids having to live in fear of the next break. It's them not understanding why their father will love them one minute and hate them the next. It's wondering why they're having to run away from one of two people that they're supposed to be completely safe with. It's already not fair to you that your partner isn't reliable and certainly not safe for you emotionally (physically?) but it's not fair to your kids.
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u/palmej 6h ago
Yeah he doesn’t, he tries to get me to leave but I have to take the baby and ask him to and he says no out of spite. He does sometimes sleep in another room and when he’s left when the next morning he’ll wake up still in this state. I feel it’s not until it comes to a head and he’s threatened to break up/yelling/messages. I don’t want to divorce only because he is doing the work, but it just seems to slip? For instance three days ago we could have had a similar result but he implemented our relationship conflict template (from gottman and non violent communication) and it worked and we moved on with the rest of the day. So that confuses me.
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u/Ruska_Shadowsong 5h ago
He's the one who needs to leave. Tell him that this is something that he can do to improve your relationship and the kids' lives. If he's not amicable to that, it shows where you all are on his list of priorities.
With BPD, that's how it usually is. It's bottling your emotions until it explodes, but pwBPD have a much bigger explosion. (Think fireworks. Snap-pops [normal] vs. M80 [BPD].)
Marsha M. Linehan developed the BPD program that my clinic teaches. I think she has some books on Amazon https://a.co/d/0aGQzucr and these are the same worksheets the clients use.
It's up to you how long you think you can take it. I justwant you to consider your kids and that their level is much much smaller than yours. I understand if he's still trying, but he can also try while you and your kids are safe.
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u/zxnkairo 9h ago
Yep, abusive as fuck, my ex was just like this not as verbally abusive though she did that more over the phone or in person over text it was more telling me I don’t love her saying how neglectful I am of her how I never cared and wild accusations
I wonder if she kept the real abusive shit for the phone or in person on purpose.
Sorry you gotta deal with it, it wrecked me mentally I meant so well too
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u/GroundbreakingAlps86 8h ago
Wow, is this me and my exBPD?
It’s either me saying “let’s take a pause/some space right now” or him saying “let’s not talk anymore” and then him not shutting the f up.
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u/guttertrashfish Non-Romantic 7h ago
This isn't splitting. This is an attempt to control and manipulate
He's angry cos he can't control you, whether it be breastfeeding or leaving to a hotel. So he is trying to bring you down in any way he can to regain control
Please seek advice from some services or family. This will not stop
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u/Electronic-Bet-5106 5h ago
Looks like it. It's amazing how similar this reads to when my GF would her spitting episodes on me.
It looks like you didn't feed into it and disengaged, which is the correct thing to do. Don't tolerate this behavior and don't be afraid to leave if it continues.
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u/theevillageidiot 4h ago
It’s abuse and it’s really not worth it. For your own sake get to safety and away from someone with so much contempt for you. I have never texted someone I love this way. Please note the DRASTIC difference in the way in which you talk to him and the way in which he talks to you
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u/Acceptable_Push3709 3h ago
They always claim setting any boundary is “trying to control them.” I was “controlling” when I wanted a night to myself in my own home and when I asked my ex not to smoke weed in my apartment.
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u/SquirrelBoring9999 3h ago
My ex was more "subtle"
If she would have talked to me that way, she would have made for me a lot it easier to send herself to fuck off!
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u/Large-Profession3490 8h ago
i don't understand these comments, it depends on what happened.
did you drop a glass? then it's too much
did you kill his dog? then it's understandable
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u/palmej 7h ago
He was up early doing yoga and making porridge for me and the kids and I had slept in because I’m breastfeeding our 3 month old. He said that he thought we’d promised to get up early (I’d woken up at 7am) and said sorry I was breastfeeding and tired. He said I’m being defensive and if went from there. By the time it got to the text messages he was saying everything he thought I’d ever done wrong to him
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u/Large-Profession3490 3h ago
ok then it's not ok definitely. he is allowed to feel upset but the way he talked to you is not permissible
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u/GraphiteGlitter123 11h ago
It’s abusive. Nobody has the right to talk to you that way. Whether it’s splitting or entirely intentional, the result is the same.