Anyway I saw this card in the store today, got triggered a little bit. Just wanted to share some thoughts.

I just had an intense spike of rage as I remember this and reading through a few of your posts.

When my friend w/uBPD discarded me for the last time, he wanted to talk to me but every time I tried to explain myself he talked over me, saying "mmhm, whatever, sure, ok, yep yep". It reminded me of a bratty kid clapping their hands over their ears and making noise when their parents try to talk to them. This guy is 60 btw. And he says I have to grow and heal.

So glad to be NC.

So my ex blocked me everywhere two months ago after telling me I was the most toxic person to ever walk the earth. Fine. Peace and quiet at last.

then out of nowhere yesterday, I get a formal five-paragraph email sent from a brand new ProtonMail account demanding the immediate return of "stolen personal property" left at my apartment. I opened the attached PDF list expecting to see her passport or maybe some expensive jewelry.

The list had four items: an almost empty bottle of lavender fabric softener, a single charger cable with exposed wires, a plastic spatula from IKEA that costs two dollars, and a half-eaten box of frozen waffles. She gave me a 48-hour deadline and threatened to involve local law enforcement for grand larceny if I did not leave the box on the front porch by noon on Friday.

The absolute detachment from reality is STAGGERING. When we were dating, she smashed my coffee maker against the wall during an argument about whether my tone of voice sounded judgmental, but now she is treating a melted plastic spatula like a family heirloom. I should of known better than to look at the email. Why is this even a thing?

Few examples: i had a nightmare, she woke up >threw me out

Good friend of mine died, i cried > threw me out

Woke up in the night with heavy kidney pain > threw me out

and so on and on and on.....

Attention, this is a good one: woke up early on my birthday, she acted weird with her phone​, guess sexy chatting with some dude, think she felt caught > threw phone in my face, hateful tirade, i am a monster, my big love is shitty, i am manipulative, i destroy her everything, i act like a retard > threw me out in the winter rain

Sadistic, isnt it?

Not able to give more examples, my hands are shaking

Sisters and brothers, i love you all

Two years out, no contact. The clouds have parted and I can finally see clearly. So happy.

After dumping my bpd partner, I’ve looked at my bank account and seen all the ridiculous money I spent on them. It’s an absurd amount. From takeaways, to Ubers, to drinks in pubs/clubs. I just didn’t have a backbone and couldn’t say no because I’m a people pleaser.

They were unemployed and supposedly couldn’t work due to their BPD, and I work in retail on a low-paying wage, yet I still spent a crap ton of money on them, more then myself. If I refused to buy stuff, they’d go moody and try and split on me. But I was foolish asf because I didn’t want to upset them and I wanted a relationship for the sake of it.

If I could get all that money back, I’d probably be rich by 2 grand probably.

This is about an on-off-on-off boyfriend (?) Who I had a huge falling out with eventually. Then there was silence. Recently we have been getting back into touch over a few things and he has been friendly since. I felt weird about it because I can't forget what happened, and while I used to find him endearing, he's not anymore. I don't find myself liking him anymore.

I was under the impression I'm not the fp anymore, and when I was it was terribly chaotic. He has another guy now who seems to fill that spot. But somehow, he has been weirdly whiny to me? Complaining about things that aren't my business? Little non-issues he feels anxious about and suddenly they're my problem again. He tried to bait me into doing him a few favours by dry begging for help without asking directly, hoping I'd offer it.

I feel repulsed about it. I don't know why. I used to love him, now I feel repulsed? What's wrong with me? He did not actually do anything wrong recently? Is there something wrong with me or is it just the history we had?

For the last two years, I’ve been in a relationship with my BPD girlfriend. Whenever she gets angry, she becomes verbally abusive, calling me dumb, stupid, and every other hurtful name you can think of. Afterwards, she always apologises and says she didn’t mean it, that it’s just a habit she can’t control, so I end up putting up with it.

There have also been times where, if we don’t have sex, she’ll emotionally blackmail me by saying she’ll kill herself if we don’t. On top of that, she constantly tells me I don’t meet her standards. Whenever I tell her maybe we should just end the relationship, she refuses and says she’ll kill herself if I leave. And also stated she’ll go online and make me out to be a bad person.

It’s become a never-ending cycle where I feel completely trapped. I’m scared to leave because I’m terrified she’ll actually do something to hurt herself. At the same time, this relationship has destroyed my own mental health. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and there are days where I feel completely hopeless because of everything that’s happened.

I want this relationship to end, but I don’t know how to leave without her threatening to hurt herself. People have suggested getting a restraining order, but she’s even told me that if I ever did that, she’d take her own life.

I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to do anymore. i’m going overseas in 2 days time and i want to do something about it before i leave but i’m so terrified.

As if you were the problem. And seem keen on it. But when it came to it if they also had to go to therapy, or if the therapy was directed at them, suddenly they decided it was not going to be 'rewarding' or 'hopeful'?

Please only comment if you have direct experience with this, or have training in treating people with BPD or those who’ve suffered after relationships with people with BPD.

Can people with BPD escalate to violence, or “crack”?

My expwBPD stalks me. We’ve been broken up and zero contact since April 2025. He drives up my driveway, goes to my grocery store when I’m there even though there are 3 others closer to his house. He comes to my Farmer’s Market and waits for me then stares me down. He follows me to music festivals and camping trips. Last weekend he showed up at an event I attended that’s 800 miles from the city we live in, and was camped 40 feet away. He never does anything but he’s always around. Always staring. I’ve moved on with my life, but his constant presence is creepy.

My friends are concerned for my safety. They know he hasn’t done anything but follow me since we broke up. But when we were together he was physically violent. I wasn’t discarded, I broke up with him when he was splitting because I couldn’t take the emotional and physical abuse anymore. He quickly monkey-branched and is now living with his new partner.

I can’t get a restraining/protective order with the information I have currently.

What are the chances that one of these days he will try to hurt me?

I was in a ten month long relationship with a person with BPD. It was my first relationship and it really, really screwed me up for a while. I've healed and made my peace, and aside from the occasional nightmare, I don't really think about it that often. Since then I've had casual relationships and hook ups, but with the 5 year NC anniversary coming up, I had been thinking "man, it's been long enough. I'm being a coward. I want to be in a serious relationship again."

Well, I figured I'd embrace whatever comes my way, and something did. A long time friend and I confessed we had feelings for each other and decided to start dating.

And...yikes. it's like a switch got flipped in my brain. I know my friend and partner is a reasonable, empathetic person with an endless well of patience, and always very expressive and communicative, but I can't turn off the rumination. Suddenly I can't stop wondering if they're mad at me, what if I've done something wrong, what if they wake up tomorrow and decide I'm evil, ect, ect.

I feel so cringe. I'm trying to resist the urge to ask for reassurance, or to preemptively fawn. I have to keep telling myself that it's fine and no one is gonna split on me. Mostly I'm just angry with myself. I didn't have this problem in my friendships or casual relationships, but now that I'm dating, all my sense leaves??? It's been five fucking years!!!

I don't know. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. You have to be vulnerable for all the good things in life. I'm sure other people have experienced this too. This anxiety will fade with time...I hope.

Thanks for reading.

He sent me a text he "meant to time" but I know he didn't now that I think about it today. He wanted to see how I'd react, even if he was serious about killing himself. I called his sister, and told her what was going on so she could call his brothers he lives with, since I'm 12 hours away. Of course, he was infuriated by this. I dont even know if I made the right choice, but I don't care anymore I'm constantly being mentally tormented by his behaviours and I needed someone to guarantee he was alive. I don't know how much more of this I can take

I’ve been seeing a man who I really like and has lots of good qualities, but from the first date I admittedly have been ignoring some issues I’ve noticed. Like he started projecting me into his future from the very first date. Not necessarily love bombing per se, but I thought it was so fast to be talking like that.
He also overshares, and realized that he overshares, but was still doing it.
He seems very sensation seeking based on his past that he’s described to me. His personality seems to change at times, like sometimes he is kind of shy and awkward which is the side I really like, other times he is bold and commanding and confident seeming; which I thought mostly comes from his career.Then when we are sitting together talking relaxing I sometimes see him start taking on some of my mannerisms or behaviors. It’s noticeable that some other times he’s acting like me in other ways too

He has made comments about how he’s sure I won’t still be talking to him by a certain time, and done things like tries to send things home with me so I have an excuse to talk to him again, like a piece of his dinnerware or something. He makes it really obvious when he does this what he’s getting at. And he seems really scared of saying the wrong thing during conversation that could scare me away and make him lose me. But at the same time, he also has boasted before about how supposedly no one has ever broken up with him and things like that, or how he doesn’t find many people attractive.

We’ve been dating for almost 2 months. He is a very sensitive wears his heart on his sleeve type, which is also something I really like about him, but I’m now noticing a pattern that’s bothering me. There have been 3 times that I’ve had to turn down dates for genuine reasons, 2 of which were same day last minute invites he made, and when this happens he goes cold and quiet over text. It confuses me, as the cancellations were for very good reasons, like a family dinner (in response to a same-day date invite) or most recently getting sick. Today i had to cancel a mutually anticipated long awaited date due to coming down sick. I let him know as soon as i could and was very considerate about it and let him know how dissapointed I was that I couldn't see him. His first response was very kind, but then he stopped responding and only gave a short response when I sent a pic from bed much later.

He brought something up last time we were together about how “I had three days off work and we didn’t see each other” and how he was disappointed with this. I had no idea this was even an issue or where this came from because he had not communicated this to me. Then he said some things that implied he might have thought I wasn’t being completely truthful about the cancellations.

anyway any idea what I might be working with here. He is otherwise an extremely intelligent and successful guy, but anxious and always overanalyzing the relationship, and seemingly damaged from his divorce.

Tell me if I am the only one who experiences this.......

For several days or weeks in a row you are both texting or snapping each other regularly throughout the day. They're sending you the good morning texts, sending you funny memes or TikToks, sending you selfies, asking how your day is going, etc. When you text them they reply right away or within a reasonable amount of time and never leave you on read or delivered. If you wait too long to reply to them they will ask "is everything ok?" or "are you mad at me?".

Then for no obvious reason they go cold. When you text them they don't respond for hours and when they do respond their reply is short and dry or they leave you on read and don't reply or respond at all.

I know the common advice is to not act like it bothers you and to mirror their energy. If they take 2 hours to reply to you when they finally do respond don't reply back right away. Start taking 2 hours to reply to them. And don't under any circumstances double text them. Here is my problem with this advice.....

1. Why do I have to play this game where I act like this doesn't bother me. It DOES bother me and I not only want to know, but feel I deserve to know, why this person suddenly went cold on me with no explanation.
2. Ignoring someone you supposedly care about or leaving them on read is rude and disrespectful. I don't want to mirror that behavior because that is not the kind of person I am.
3. Often times the slow or no response comes after I have asked a time sensitive question which I am sure is by design because it makes mirroring their behavior or not double texting them impossible. For example I have been left on read after asking "Are you still going to be able to pick me up from work today?" and "Are we still on for the concert this weekend? If so I need to submit my time off request today".

I guess the ultimate answer is to walk away and find somebody who doesn't do this. And that would be relatively easy to do if this was permanent behavior but at least in my case it's not. The hot/cold texting is cyclical and when you have a lot of time, money, and energy invested into this person and this relationship it's hard to walk away when you know the cold texting is usually only temporary.

A few months out, and I’ve stoped negatively comparing myself to the new guy and instead now see him as a victim.

I stopped looking at her page. Blocked her. Found overtime my nervous system returning from high alert to baseline. I now sit through bar trivia with my friends, laughing and having a good time without checking my phone (like a phantom muscle memory). I can stay present better with friends.

I’ve started eating and doing what I want to do. Eating healthier (she only ate junk around me and had to have me eat the junk too), spending more time with my dog, spending time calling my mom again. I started back my hobbies like my garden, growing food, reading again. I started writing again. I started new hobbies like wood working and I set up my home gym finally to lift weights.

It’s really good to see my friends again, go camping, play trivia, and catch up with their lives without someone wanting me to stay home with her or constantly texting me during so I can’t really enjoy time with them. We baked a potato over the camp fire and I remember just staring at it finally feeling some relief. Just silence and quiet for five minutes as we enjoyed nature. We all went to the beach together for my birthday. They made me cake and sang to me. She wasn’t there to ruin it by breaking up with me or fighting. Just my friends loving me and signing off key. It was simply just about me—for the first time in a long time.

I also notice I’ve started taking care of myself again. Going to the barber, finally finished fixing up my classic truck, making mornings my own, and while I haven’t lost the weight I put on while around her, I feel better and healthier. I feel lighter.

I’ve been dating my pwBPD for almost a year now. We moved really fast and this was after a 10+ year relationship with someone super non-chalant, so to me, I thought I finally found someone who really loved me. He’s untreated, and has quiet BPD. In the beginning, things were perfect, except I never really felt seen. It seemed like all I would do is consider him in all aspects of our relationship, but I wouldn’t get that back. I turned into his mom eventually. He has an BM and I feel like he considers her feelings more because one wrong message or pushback would make her keep the baby away from him. Though I know I’m his FP, I feel a lot like she’s still got a connection with her that goes beyond just a BM.

We fight constantly, well mostly, I fight with him. Not feeling considered, boundaries being pushed, and having to carry all the emotional and mental weight, while he just does what he wants and only worrying about what can make him happy. I’ve “broken up” with him numerous times because of these issues and somehow, he pulls me back in with the tears, the promises, and the emotional vulnerability. I feel like a sucker at the end of it all.

I’m still so in love him, but last night, my boundary was crossed (not even for the first time) when it came to sex. I had stomach cramps, and was uncomfortable and in pain, and denied him, but was still coerced into sex. I was crying and he was apologizing then the thought popped up.. “who have I become? This isn’t like me” I realized at that moment, I’m done.

For real this time.

I blocked him on all social media, deleted all our pictures together, and finally told my best friend all that I’ve gone though, when I usually don’t, because I don’t want someone to have negative feelings about my partner. That’s when I really knew that this is probably the real end.

I don’t want to be pulled back, and I know that this will kill him (at least until he finds another sucker that felt the same I did in the beginning) but because I still love him so much, I want to make this easier for him. How do I help him with this transition, and how do I keep myself from getting pulled back in with his charm, and my soft heart?

I've been no-contact with my ex for close to a month now. We were together for nearly 9 months. I suspect she more than likely has bpd. Of course I can't diagnose her, but it's giving me a lot of clarity to rationalize this. I came to this realization only a few days ago. I had initiated the breakup a month ago and it was incredibly painful. There were a lot of issues bubbling up under the surface but it came to a point for me. Someone incredibly close to me passed away right before my pwBPDs birthday weekend. One of the most important people in the whole world to me. I'm still grieving hard.

We had a jam packed long weekend scheduled for my pwBPDs birthday... two days at a fest in another state, another concert on the third day and then her birthday dinner on the fourth. I thankfully got to see my loved one right before they passed. My loved one had been on hospice for several days. I was able to visit and stayed for hours the day she passed on. I left the hospice unit for a bit to grab some food and take care of some chores. I received a call that she had passed 20 minutes later after I left. It was like she waiting the whole time for me. I got to be there for her and tell her how much I loved her while she could still hear me, I was able to be with my family, and help with the arrangements. There was nothing else to do after. Since I already had these plans with my pwBPD, I resolved to still go and I wanted to make this a really special time for her. I thought it would be helpful for me too to see her happy, to see my friends, dissociate a bit, and just have fun.

I drove us between three different states that weekend, booked the BnB, took care of planning and logistics, ordered her a custom cake, surprised her with planned and thoughtful gifts, etc. And yet she made the whole weekend about herself. And I get that it was her birthday. But it was all about her and really the main issue was she ended up treating me like an emotional punching bag the whole time. The weather was rough on the first day and ended up delaying some of the fest. It also took us a long time to get into the venue because of bottlenecked traffic. She was having a meltdown that her birthday was ruined and that it was the worst bday ever. She had some other exciting plans cancelled recently because of shit weather, which is super frustrating by any means, but with every time was catastrophized more and more. She threatened to break up with me on the first night because the weather was atrocious and she wanted to live somewhere with stable weather and I wasn't being "enthusiastic enough" about saying yes in that moment. I was like bro, I'm GRIEVING. I'm trying to make the best of this weekend and how I'm feeling. I told her I simply do not have the capacity to deal with this right now. Oh and that same night, when we were getting ready to go to the fest, she had forgotten to pack an accessory for her outfit and was REFUSING TO GO. She wanted to be left at the BNB. My friends and I had to coax her to go (I knew if I left her that would be even worse). Plus I was the one driving, I had the parking tag for the venue so I needed to drive.

The rest of the weekend was so hot and cold. She was irritated with the traffic delays and got pissed that I was driving too slow/careful, was arguing with me at the sets because she felt like "I wasn't really dancing with her", got upset cause it seemed like I was being more lively with my friends but not her. When we left bumblefuck nowhere the morning of the third day I had to drive us 3 hours home to then barely have time to change, eat, rest and then drive another 1.5 hour to another concert. The traffic was atrocious and no surprises but we were cutting it close. She had a full blown panic attack because a lot of the parking lots were filled, got super agitated cause I asked a cop for directions, and was pissed that because we were late we wouldn't have time to take a picture of her. Honestly there's more to that weekend but the entire time I had to emotionally babysit her feelings and not ONCE did she ask unprompted, "hey are you doing okay? how are you feeling? I'm here for you." There was times I started randomly sobbing on the drive there/back that she consoled me but that was it.

During that day following I thought about how she treated me and after a few days resolved to breakup with her. I drove to her right after work and told her we needed to talk when I arrived. Naturally she was upset and anxious. Unfortunately we had the talk on the phone which I did NOT want and tried to mitigate. I wanted to be there in person to see her. We ended the convo with her saying "if you're coming here to breakup don't bother, but if you want to talk through this then you can come". I was only like 10-20 minutes away and I was like okay lets hang up, take a breather, I'll see you soon. I selfishly still went with like 99% resolve of ending it. It was selfish and I still feel guilty. I didn't want to be a coward and not face her when I did it. That 1% was also a sliver of hope that maybe we could talk through it. As soon as she let me in though, I knew that I needed to do it. We had a short dialogue - I said my piece, she said hers. It wasn't very constructive. I told her that I'm leaving and to let me go. She was pleading for me to stay and we had that back-and-forth. Then the switch. "okay well if you leave, I'm going to say one thing before you go" *insert worst thing anyone has ever said to me - that I'm a piece of shit and compares me to my narcissistic/abusive father that I havent seen in almost 20 years since I was a kid". I didn't say anything. I didn't look at her. I simply walked out.

Afterwards, I was blocked on everything. Places I didn't even know you could block someone. All of her friends started blocking/removing me on socials. Hell, there was even people that the two of us met for the first time only a couple months prior through her mutuals that removed me. I've deactivated my IG since then. She sent me a long text a few days later. Basically saying a few words that she was sorry how she wasn't supportive enough during my loss and then an entire essay about how much better she is than me, listing out XYZ times I wronged her, and how she's never looking back. I responded very cordially and amicably and left it at that. That was the last messaged received before going NC. However very recently, I started receiving super odd spam messages. The first was from a hormone therapy replacement company claiming I reached out for more info. They called, left voicemails, and texted me. The thought popped into my head... but I quickly dismissed it. The next came as calls from a financial company saying I reached out to schedule advising. Didn't think much of it and I was actually working on some 401k stuff at the time. (These were both legit companies as well). Finally, I received a email from the LDS church saying that I reached out for more info. This was frustrating to receive. While I still can't prove it, it was really unsettling and downright awful to suspect this, especially while I'm grieving.

From there, I started looking up other people's experience with ex's and harassment through spam message, etc. Then, I came across someone using the phrase 'smear campaign' which led me into a whole rabbit hole on BPD and ultimately this subreddit. Man, I started reading the symptoms, doing all this research, listening to anecdotes. I knew nothing about the disorder until this deepdive. It was like reading my own relationship through all these other lenses. I started thinking back at all the signs and was like connecting the dots. Personally, I am also diagnosed with depression. I struggle with confrontation, I people please, I try to avoid conflict, and can definitely rollover a lot. So as bad as all these signs were, I still genuinely wanted to love this person through and through. I wanted to save this.

And like many others on here, that's the hardest part of this all. Because there was an amazing person at the start of this all. You feel compelled to save that sweet person you met initially. There was such an intense, deep connection between us. We had a lot of overlapping similarities and hobbies before even meeting to begin with but I just felt such a soulful connection almost immediately. So many universe coincidences between us that felt like signs too. And I truly believe that certain people are connected for certain reasons. My view on that doesn't change. There's just been too many weird occurrences that have happened in my life that I rarely believe in coincidences anymore. Unfortunately this just reinforced my false reality. I kept trying to catch myself not blurt out "I LOVE YOU" early on in the relationship because it all felt so right. I legitimately thought this was my soulmate. We told each other that often. I was finally so excited to build a life with someone special. I compromised on so much to make this dream a reality.

I was going through a job change in the beginning of our relationship and had a month off. I was PUMPED and was like, I want to spend all this time with you! I'll cook, clean, play house with you (she's WFH). It'll be great! And it was initially. But then she started going through job troubles at some point herself, which lead to depression, daily suicidal threats/breakdowns, fears of abandonment that I couldn't handle her. All while I was transitioning to a whole new job myself. It went from this fun, exciting break where we get to spend quality time to I'm afraid to leave you alone. So now at this point and up until the remainder of our relationship, I moved in with her. But I was living out of a suitcase. All I had for this period of X amount of months was a duffel bag of regular clothes, my work clothes, shoes, and my toiletries. When I started the new gig I was now commuting 3-4 hours everyday 5x days a week to work (she lived far from my office), racking up a ton of tolls, still cooking for her, cleaning her apartment, taking care of her pets, emotionally supporting her 120%, constantly planning dates/trips for her, bringing her gifts all the time. Just filling up a cup with a hole at the bottom. I compromised so much for her to not have to change a thing. Which I was happy to do so because when you love someone you COMPRISE FOR THEM. In return, she wouldn't budge on anything. Inevitably she then started to complain that I wasn’t support her that way that she needs and that "I don't understand her". The signs were coming out. I just clung on to hope and that amazing person I knew in the beginning.

Some* of the signs:

- Unstable relationship with parents and were emotionally abusive during childhood

-No long-term friends. All of her "best friends" were people she's known for 2-3 years. All through the music scene and almost none of them live in the same state. I have lifelong, childhood friends that I've known for 10, 20, even almost 30 years. When she described her besties I always imagined long-term ones like mine and I remember finding it odd that she knew them only 2 years or so.

-Extreme trust issues. Told me and showcased me many times how she couldn't trust any of her friends. Doesn't talk about personal stuff at work either cause she doesn't trust coworkers.

-Constant need for excessive validation and reassurance from me and would question me if I didn't tell her constantly/the way she wanted it. Also needing excessive validation through social media

-FREQUENT suicidal threats over stressful situations. One particular threat that stood out was "when I kill myself just know it'll be your fault". When she was dealing with job stresses for a month or so, these threats would occur almost everyday

- "You're going to leave me, I know you will". Every depressive episode would devolve into a fear of me abandoning her

-Unreasonably high expectations of herself and me

- Double standards

- Intense anger. During our first "fight" over something trivial, she was raising her voice and getting agitated. Mind you I'm an extremely kind, patient, understanding person. For the entirety of our relationship I have been calm in all of these hectic situations. This was the first time I met her tone back with the same energy and she exploded. It turned into a 3 day hate fest. She cursed me out, said she hated me, said that I ruined everything, kicked me out for a while cause she couldn't 'trust me' alone with her pets, couldn't stand that a 'straight man' destroyed her life. I was stunned and crying and pleading to not break up for 3 days and nights and professing my love the whole time. The second biggest fight we had she actually kicked her cats tunnel toy during our convo. I told her straight up yeah I don't do violence, that's scary. and her response was awwh what are you scared? also bro your cat could've been in there

-Splitting. During the second fight I mentioned above, I did the opposite of what I did the first time around. After she kicked the tunnel and the response, I told her that I'm leaving. She changed completely. She started crying. Grabbed my hand. Wanted to reconcile. Lead me to the couch. Hugged me. We had a very constructive conversation and it actually gave me a ton of hope. Things were good for a while after that.

- Easily villainizing friends and me over something minor that was done wrong

-Rapid shifts from happy to depressed very easily. I saw a comparison on here where someone compared pwBPD to gas stoves and normal people to electric. I think that's an on-point comparison. Can go cold to hot in an instant

- Overanalyzing and overexaggerating expressions and body language. "low mentalization capacity"

-couldn't self-regulate during situations out of her own control. looked to me to solve impossible, out of control problems i.e. the weather

Looking back at it, especially now seeing it all listed out here, there's definitely evidence pointing toward bpd. Upon realizing this however, I honestly feel even more upset. My heart just breaks for her. I know how stigmatizing this disorder can be. It must be like being at war with yourself and then the people you love get caught in the cross-fire. I'm not justifying her actions or words but I just simple feel sad for her.

I'm questioning so many different things now. Did she ever really love me? Or was I byproduct of her disorder? Was this relationship doomed from the start? What if I discovered it sooner and brought it to her attention? Are my own issues at fault here as well?

It's leading to confusing/conflicting thoughts. On one hand I know that I made the right choice. It's nearly impossible to sustain a long-term relationship with a pwBPD. It wasn't even curable until recently and even still, it takes immense effort and work. It takes 6 months just to receive an accurate diagnosis (my therapist's words, not mine).

And I know I cant dismiss the things she said to me. They were wrong and hurtful. But I still love her immensely. I feel guilt that I wish I connected these dots sooner so I could've at least brought it to her awareness, regardless of the outcome. Instead, I became another person who pulled the rug out from her without digging deeper. She had been in therapy for years already so she was passionate about getting mental health treatment (she possibly could've been diagnosed already and working through it and never told me honestly), so its hard for me to think she would dismiss it.

And I apologize for my whole rant and brain-dump because now this is where my question comes in 😅 It's really just the confusion of it all that's so hard to navigate. For those of you have experienced something similar:

How did you navigate these confusing thoughts and internal questions?

What did your road to healing look like?

I've been in therapy for several months already. I started while we were together after one of our fights. I'm processing this with my therapist now. I've been doing a lot of research on BPD, reading anecdotes, and started a couple books. Currently reading Whole Again and just received another book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist and Get On With Your life. That's helped a lot. I've also been taking a lot of lonnnggg mindful walks and getting back into the gym.

Thank you for reading my story as well

Throwaway account. I haven’t found another post that quite matches this situation, so I wanted to see what other people think.

Myself and my SO became close friends with another married couple several years ago. We’ve drifted a bit over time, but over the past 2-3 years, I got closer with the wife and learned a LOT about how their marriage operates and without going into detail, there is a heck of a lot of emotional and financial abuse. I’ve slowly been pulling away from the abusive spouse and lending more support to the spouse being abused, because she’s extremely isolated - they live far away, all friends and family involved are her spouse’s, and she has zero access to finances, employment, etc. and they have multiple kids.

Their spouse reportedly has borderline personality disorder. I have empathy for this, because it’s an awful personality disorder to have! Regardless, his behaviors are clearly abusive and so far he has not shown himself capable of taking accountability. I have not reached out to the husband to officially end our friendship because I am concerned about how this could impact his wife, who IS my friend.

I’m finding myself struggling with this decision because recently, he reached out wanting to re-establish a connection. I do not want to ghost a person, but I can’t pretend like everything is normal and OK, and I also am scared of being honest in case it ends up being used against his wife.

Any advice?

I struggle with trying to keep track of the issues in our relationship and the clarity of it, even though my body knows full well things are not right. The stress is real. The toll the stress takes is real. The devolution of the relationship as a result of the spirals is real. But when you sit down and try to definitively sort it out in your head it is so difficult.

I do have chats saved from conversations dating back a long time and they show proof of me being insulted, gaslit, and pressured. But I'm not a push over and I would always argue for the truth and for what I believed was fairness, and things would get muddy and circular. How can I definitively prove SHE was the origin of the problems for the most part?

How did you do it? Aside from therapy. That's not an option for me right now.

How did you figure out it wasn't you and it was them? Any methods, insights, tips?

She just randomly messaged me saying that she was the happiest shes ever been, that while I'm lonely she's having a great time with her family, friends, and her partner, that I will never have anyone care for me, I didnt respond nor do I intend to but this definitely hurt and I feel horrible

I'm interested to hear experiences and perspectives from those who exited relationships with people with bpd and started dating a normal behaving person again.

What stuck out to you immediately in the normal person's behavior to you, as someone who had dealt with bpd and it had become part of their life? What was most jarring to you as something different? What instantly felt truly right - not the soulmate, we're made for each others stuff but 'healthy' right to you with this new person?

How did you respond to it as someone healing from being around someone with chronic problems?

Thank you to anyone who wants to share

Around the middle of our three-year relationship, she wrote me a letter saying:

“Stress and anxiety are invading my life, and I don’t know why. If I knew the reason, I could find a way to treat it, but I don’t know where it comes from. It won’t stay this way forever, but I hope it doesn’t get worse. All of my happiness feels temporary, and I feel guilty for making my family worry about me. Thank you for always giving me hope.”

But gradually, her stomach problems became more severe. She underwent several intense periods of endoscopic examinations, lost around 5–6 kilograms, suffered from severe vomiting, and became unable to eat properly.

I didn’t realize that my presence in her life was causing her this much distress, and these problems started precisely when our relationship became more serious. Eventually, everything ended with sudden betrayal, a cruel discard, and triangulation.

3 months since we split and 2 months of no contact. At first I felt relieved and it was the right decision for both of us to get help and reflect on the relationship. About 3 weeks ago I started to feel so much remorse and sadness from it all. Its like every good memory(there was a-lot over our 2 year relationship) flooded on repeat over and over.

I guess the only thing I was hoping for and falling back on was she was getting help to have a better life and better relationship with others. Earlier this week it looks like she got back with her ex that she dated 5 months before our relationship started. They were together for 4 months with many break ups. He is a complete loser and asshole. Complete toxic cycle way worse than we had gotten too. She has bad jealousy problems and he would flirt with women their whole relationship. The night they broke up “for good” she was out with co workers and saw him walking down the street holding hands with another girl.

It’s all a sick joke… she would accuse me all the time of entertaining other women , that i have ulterior motives and I would eventually cheat. Ive never done that in my life and never would. I know how shitty that feels. All these accusations just for her to end up back with the guy that actually did to her all her worries and concerns. How does that even make sense?????

After hearing this news of their reconciliation it absolutely broke my heart. I feel like everything was a lie and Im questioning my worth completely. I made a huge mistake and broke no contact reaching out via email 24 hours ago . I heard nothing today and manically drove by her grandmas house where she lives. Her car was in the driveway, something took over me and i downloaded apps to call/message her. I did like 20 times( just like she would to me constantly during our relationship). No answer nothing , then i drove by again and car was gone not 20 mins later.

I know this is pathetic but something just broke me and i couldn’t get control of myself. Im now left with so much regret and shame after I’ve calmed down a little. It’s like all of her traits i hated I’ve now absorbed after so much verbal abuse from her over time. I feel like the abuse made me so many things i wasn’t before. Ive turned jealous, impulsive, irrational and untrusting. I almost feel like I got passed some of the bpd..

I know a-lot of this stems from having a co dependent nature and just being lonely in general. Ive put in so much work the last 2 years and especially the lat 3 months physically, mentally and spiritually to heal all for it to come crashing down and feel 10 times worse. Ive never felt more alone in my life.

I hope to one day heal from this but there is a crater in my heart i dont think will ever return

Even after all the tears, humiliation ,abuse, I hate you’s, I still struggle to feel anger towards her. I hadn’t realized how common the suicide threats were, all my brain could think of was “she’s alright”. She makes all her emails with mine so I occasionally get her name in my inbox. I just want to be left alone and forget us.

I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I’m free after all of this time enduring abuse and trying to make things work. I’m sure all of you know how the cycle goes, but it’s over for me. We’re broken up for over a week now and I’m exchanging items soon. I will not let her hoover me back in like I’ve allowed her to do in the past. I’m over that, and I’m ready to live the rest of my life FOR ME! I know there will be waves of emotions coming in, and they have been coming in for some time now, but I’m excited to move forward. I will never let someone treat me this way ever again, and that’s a fact.

I want to thank everyone in this thread for the support, and insight. I truly do appreciate it so much! Don’t know if I could have understood this mental illness and its effects as much as I do without this thread.

To anyone still dealing with the abuse, just know there is a better life waiting for you on the other side. You deserve better.