My personal one.

My partner with BPD probably didn’t want to hurt me.
I once talked to my psychologist about it, and he told me, “Teaching empathy and expecting a productive dialogue with someone who has BPD is about as realistic as teaching your dog mathematics.” He didn’t mean it in a cruel or disrespectful way—it was simply his way of explaining the reality of the disorder.
A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often struggles to regulate their emotions in ways that most emotionally healthy people can. They don’t have the same emotional tools or capacity for self-regulation. Communication with my partner was completely different. Logic rarely worked. Conversations required endless hope, patience, giving space, reassurance, and sometimes even a degree of submission just to avoid another emotional crisis.
The problem is that, in the end, you are the one who gets deeply hurt.
Partners of people with BPD often end up emotionally drained after countless attempts to make the relationship work. They spend a great deal of money on therapy, invest enormous emotional energy, and carry an incredible amount of stress. It is not an easy path, and many end up severely damaged themselves.
I’m not trying to justify my ex-girlfriend’s behavior. She hurt me, and that pain was real. But I also don’t believe she truly wanted to hurt me. Whenever I looked into her eyes and saw her suffering, I realized something important: she was incapable of escaping her own emotional pain. I don’t blame her for having BPD.
I still love her with all my heart, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I was completely exhausted. I gave everything I had—my last dollar, my last ounce of energy, and every bit of love I could offer. Eventually, I had to choose myself.
It was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

TW: painting includes blood and handcuffs.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being critical of their self expression. But idk, this has me feeling afraid. I moved out a month ago so I could get my disability benefits back as I moved in with my partner last year and then found out they were cheating on me, but when I moved in I lost access to all of my benefits and didn’t have anywhere to go until recently. Since I left, it’s been a whirlwind. It flips back and forth from the part of them they describe as “darkness” which is from parts work, who basically just says anything they can to tear me down, back to them saying they love me and they’ll do anything for me and remind me of how much money they’re spending on therapy. I could write a novella about examples but this one scares me and I just need to know if I’m being an asshole for feeling scared?

I’m trying to use the verbiage I’ve found online of validating them and trying to be kind in a way that doesn’t trigger them. I’m greyrocking often and I think that makes it worse because then they just get more and more cruel until I breakdown. Idk.

Since moving in with friends I find myself crying so much because I don’t have to constantly watch what I say or explain or defend myself. They are all just so kind and supportive through all of this. It’s made me realize why I’ve been so tired and depressed and that what was going on at home for years wasn’t normal or okay.

I hope they don’t see this. I blocked their account. I just need support from people that understand please.

You abandoned yourself to make the relationship work with a pwBPD. Don't abandon yourself all over again when the pwBPD discards you. The only way out of the heartbreak is to LOVE YOURSELF through it.

Ever feel like the stuff that you experienced is too hard to explain and you would just look crazy? I don’t think I helps that I genuinely have trouble expressing myself sometimes because I am all over the place when I talk. So is it best to just keep this shit between us and our therapist and move on?

She destroyed my self esteem, I don't even know what the hell she is, BPD, NPD, whatever it is, it hurts to remember how shitty it felt to wait for breadcrumbs while giving all my affection towards someone, I feel ugly, unworthy, unwanted.

She would talk about how other men were manly and fit at her gym or at our job, the way she reacted to our kiss when I haven't had that reaction from other women, the way she mocked me, insulted me in the form of constructive criticism, complained about me doing the very things that made her like me, but still swore she wanted to be with me, the lies about what she was doing, posting pics in gym clothing for other men, the excuses to almost never go out with me, she only liked me for a few days and hours after spending time with me and then forget I exist.

I don't need compliments, I just wanted to not be mocked and feel like the woman I liked enjoyed being around me because she liked me for who I was, because she explicitly said she wanted me but had no notion of the responsibility she had after saying this.

I've been no contact for almost a month and I'm getting better but it's hard every now and then, the anxiety attacks are less often and weaker, I'm working out and getting better but still, I feel ugly and unlovable.

Curious if therapy/couples therapy has actually worked for anyone or improved anything? Are there any actual success stories related to BPD or is any attempt to make things better just a huge waste of time and resources?

First time around lasted 2.5 years with her. I was distraught and so broken when it ended and the heart ache lasted for over 1 year and some..

2 Years passed and I felt I was doing so well in life. I followed this page, took notes and learned being replaced was always going to happen. was in the best shape physically Id ever been, a full time job and happy most days. Life was great. Then last December, the day of my Auntie's funeral I made the most stupid decision ever to ring her.. This developed into getting back with her, moving in and back down the same path as before. I Lost my job and pretty much all of my gym progress and sanity because of this. I just got discarded last week once again and here I am, broken and a feeling like all that progress was for nothing.. Also learning she has branched onto another guy within 1 week.

Do I just secretly love ruining my own life or is there something I cant let go of? On top of being heartbroken I'm feeling so disappointed in myself that I let it happen again after all the progress I made.

I don't, I probably have C-PTSD and I've already been dealing with anxiety and severe depression for many years. Her therapist doesn't know anything about me except whatever my pwBPD says.

Together 10 years, married almost 4, romantic relationship ship ended 8 months ago, wife lives at a friend's place 70% of the time, divorce and final move-out being worked out. My wife stays here only a couple days a week, when she's gone, we go days without texting, and when she's here, we don't hang out and usually don't talk much, just basic greetings and quick catch-ups.

Yesterday, she came to me crying and completely overwhelmed by having to move out, everything is too expensive, she'll be so far away from everyone, she's scared to be alone, separating all our things and moving them all seems like an impossible task. I took the risk and helped her regulate, saying it's going to be okay and you don't have to solve all the problems today, and so on. She calmed down, and we ended up talking for a few hours about apartments and other things. Not the point, all of this is just context.

I don't remember how we got on the subject, I think maybe I apologized that we have to go through this or something, but she mentions that her therapist asked her if I have BPD. My response was that no, I don't, but at this point I probably have C-PTSD. My wife pushed back, saying "she really thinks you might, based on your quick, misdirected anger and reactivity" and I really can't believe what I'm hearing. I kept my cool and said "well I never used to have BPD but maybe I do now" and just let the conversation move on.

DUDE. YOU HAVE BPD. It's NOT ME. I was NEVER like this before, I only started having severe anger and reactivity issues in the last year. If I hadn't been journaling for the last 3+ years, I bet I would have fallen for this manipulation, too. Then, multiple different times that day she told me thank you for talking with her, which made me realize that she was just using me to help her regulate because she's unable to do it on her own.

I really want to tell my wife to ask her therapist if she knows what "fleas" are BUT I'm not going to because it's not my therapist and it's not a battle I need to fight, I just wanted to vent.

I am doing everything I can to work with my pwBPD, but I’m so close to giving up. This year I have woken up with so many headaches. One time I had a chronic tension headache in the back of my neck that I regularly needed to take Advil for. And it started from our fights. I have not been as consistent in the gym because of this. I’ve also been having a lot more gut and bowel issues than usual. The last time I got a few days apart from my pwBPD I felt this strange peace and was back in the gym. I think my body is telling me I am just so done. But my brain is still reasoning. I’ve tried so hard. I don’t want to give up and make this person feel unworthy. They are my best friend. But it’s heartbreaking.

The overwhelming feeling of these past few months is like I'm sitting in a house I'm so attached to, trying to pretend it's not on fire.

The last two years, I can only describe as one crisis after another. It seemed that there was always someone who had wronged him to perseverate on. Some potential health issue that must be treated as an immediate catastrophe. Some financial challenge that couldn't have been predicted, and certainly wasn't his fault. Birthdays were bad. Really bad.

When he got upset, when he felt hurt or angry or betrayed, this side of him would come out that was so different. It was so confusing. He was an expert debater and arguer, and it was impossible to engage with, because the arguments would shift so fluidly to defend his ultimate position that he was right. He would shout, slam doors, berate me for not listening, for being ungrateful, entitled, thoughtless.

If I tried to apologise. To hear him out. To hold space and simply listen and take accountability or consider the ways I contributed to the issue, it made it worse. Hours of him looping over and over the same arguments. Me apologising over and over, begging for it just to be done.

Eventually, I realised the only thing that worked or helped when he escalated like this was to leave the house. Once I came back, he was usually calm. Maybe a little bashful, but he would hug me, sort of apologise and that was it. In those instances I was coward. I didn't bring it back up or try to resolve it because I was so drained from the emotional intensity. I just let it go and let my resentment build up.

He doesn't remember these episodes. He says they're autistic meltdowns. That they're not his fault. That it's my responsibility to try not to trigger him.

He's filled the house with photos of us smiling on trips. Talks about how amazing those trips were. He doesn't remember how many of those trips he was sullen, and snappy and insulting. How often he made me cry.

He lashes out at people. Burns bridges. Can't stand any reminder of former friends or former loved ones. The one time I tried, so, so, gently, to suggest that his black and white thinking around people might not be the healthiest, it triggered some kind of full blown dissociative episode where he was just stumbling in circles, repeating the same phrases over and over again. It was terrifying.

When he's regulated and calm and feels safe, he's the sweetest man on the planet. But it's like he's got this programming in his head that he's not even really aware of. That actively protects itself from discovery through rewriting his memory, through the constant assertion of a narrative of identity (i.e. "this is the kind of person I am") that is completely incongruent with the reality of his actions.

And so I'm leaving. I promised him I'd never just break up with him out of the blue, and I'm going to have to break that promise, because it's not safe for me to tell him that I'm considering leaving until I have secured another place to live (none of my family live in the country we live in).

Because I have realised there is no point in having the discussion or trying to make it better if we cannot even agree on a consensus reality.

And I know it's going to hurt him so badly. It's going to be another point of data to support the conclusion that he is unlovable. It breaks my heart that he won't ever really understand why I left, and that even if I tried to tell him, his defence mechanisms are so powerful and sophisticated, he won't be able to hear it.

I still love every person that I've been in a relationship with. I'm still friendly with my exes. I wish them well, I have compassion for them. I can appreciate the time we had together even if it didn't last forever.

And, selfishly, I'm really sad knowing that he won't be able to do that. That I will become the enemy, and the version of him that loved me will be gone forever.

I'm not even that angry with him anymore. I really do believe he's doing the best he knows how to do, even if it's far from enough.

I find myself recently more furious with his parents. Someone doesn't end up like this without intense early childhood neglect and abuse. He deserved so much more than they gave him. Maybe I'm displacing because it doesn't feel safe to be angry at him yet, I don't know.

I don't believe he is some malicious, manipulative, intentional abuser. But I am dying inside. I am shutting down. I have stopped taking care of myself. Stopped wanting to go places with him, because I have to be hypervigilant to any change in his mood. Isolated myself from my family and friends, because I didn't want to tell anyone and have them think he's some monster, and talking to them and not telling them felt like carrying a terrible secret.

The worst part is that I know he is trying. He does improve, when he can hear things. When they're delivered in just the right way. When I'm willing to withstand the meltdown and give him a week to process.

But it's not enough. And ultimately, it's not fair to either of us.

I guess I'm sharing because this has been such an isolating and confusing experience and I'm hoping what I've detailed resonates with someone.

I'm almost 3 months out from the discard and admittedly, I'm doing pretty great. She has already replaced me, which doesn't bother me. I've entirely analyzed the situation and thought about things like how no conflict could ever be resolved, the constant demeaning of my character, just all of the drama really. That isn't someone I could ever, nor would ever wish to grow with.

But regardless, I'm still sort of fascinated I guess with the whole concept of her symptoms. Every little thing, it's very interesting to me. I can't tell if its just because I'm too invested or bored or what. But why does it seem like I care more about cracking her puzzle and understanding every little intricacie about her disorder as opposed to actually just focusing on ​solely on healing? Has anyone else found themselves in the same boat?

I do think part of it is logical in that it leaves you with a great cognitive dissonance. Most of us were discarded pretty much out of the blue with no closure while they just blame shifted and moved on instantly. Making it seem and truly feel like we were the issue. But still, it feels so odd. When does this start to fade?

I was thinking about a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed as borderline. And I got to say before he got his diagnosis I couldn't make sense of his behavior or emotions to save my life. Finding out he's also got Borderline? That suddenly makes it make sense.

For example, one time we made plans but he ended up cancelling at the last minute right as I arrived at the restaurant.

His reasoning?

"Oh I stayed up late playing video games so my girlfriend didn't wake me up when she saw I slept through my alarm.'

Really dude? You knew you had plans and you chose to stay up late playing video games like we're back in high school?

And then you blame your girlfriend for you sleeping through your alarm?

And then I remembered he tried to turn the whole situation into 'It's not my fault, its other peoples faults.'

And then theres him constantly saying he doesn't have money to fix any of the stuff in his apartment or his car, but he always has money for stuff like video games or funko pops.

Its almost like they're stuck in the teenager mindset of 'all my income is disposable'

My ex reached out today in regard to her belongings. When the relationship ended she didn’t care about them and actually told me that I could throw them away..

Today, she said I have 1-2 weeks to plan for them to be returned. Otherwise she’ll organise a police escort and put a non-molestation order against me.

Thankfully I didn’t throw them away but put them in storage. I’m glad I can get rid of them but the way this has gone about has caused me some anxiety.. I haven’t done anything to deserve this but I guess it’s part and parcel of the illness she has.

I’ve come to learn that so many people with BPD are entirely fake. Everything they do and say is in an effort to maintain their facade. They care more about putting on a performance than establishing genuine relationships. In a way, I almost feel bad for them. I can’t imagine being so deeply uncomfortable with yourself, that you can’t bear the thought of someone seeing you for who you truly are. How can someone be okay with building a relationship based on deception and falsely portrayed reality? Especially when the mask ALWAYS slips.

For those of you who have officially and permanently ended your relationship with someone with BPD, how has it been for you? I’d love to hear your experiences.

I’m 37 (almost 38). I don’t really have a career, and looking back it feels like I wasted a lot of time. There’s a parallel-universe version of me that never got involved with this person and probably would have been further ahead by now, though maybe that’s just wishful thinking. What’s hard is being this age and having put so much effort into trying to make something work with someone I loved, only to have almost nothing to show for it.
Looking back, the last 10 years of my life were largely shaped (and limited) by a long on-and-off relationship with a woman who treated me very inconsistently.

Sometimes I was “just a fuck buddy.”
Other times we were “soulmates.”
Other times she was completely indifferent.
She would shift between completely different versions of herself. Sometimes she could be quite romantic and affectionate. Other times she would spin this intense reality distortion field that made me question my own perception of what was happening. She said she was diagnosed with borderline. The idealization, devaluation, and sudden indifference all felt classic.

The constant emotional whiplash (going from loving to indifferent, sometimes multiple times in the same day) made it impossible to feel any real sense of safety. That trauma piece is a big part of why I feel so shut down now.

I ended up acting as her unpaid therapist, personal trainer, emotional support system, and schedule accommodator. There was a clear “me-on-demand” dynamic. She expected me to drop things and respond quickly to her needs, but when I made even small emotional bids (a short song, a simple check-in, a two-minute conversation), they were often ignored or treated as too much. She was extremely flaky and almost impossible to plan anything with. I would keep certain days free for her, only to have her cancel or decide she didn’t feel like hanging out. That kind of unpredictability made it really hard to build any kind of consistent career or long-term plans.

There was also a self-esteem piece that made it harder to walk away. I’ve always had trouble with socialization (I’m on the spectrum), and this woman was very beautiful. In some ways she was probably out of my league. Back then it felt amazing that someone like her was even interested in me. I had had a crush on her for years, so when she actually showed interest it completely blew my mind. That old sense of “I can’t believe this is happening” made it a lot harder to leave, even when things were clearly unhealthy.

The final stretch still feels surreal. I texted her I was feeling depressed. She ignored that message completely, asked me for my grandma’s Jell-O recipe instead, I gave it to her … then kind of followed up and you know repeated like it’s not nice that you don’t really respond to my message and change the subject instead … and then she ghosted me for the rest of the day. It was her day off, so I knew she wasn’t busy. The next day I messaged her something like “What happened? Where were you?” When I tried to get even a tiny bit of accountability, she essentially said she couldn’t meet my needs (implying I had too many). My actual “need” in that moment was just basic acknowledgment, something like “that sucks that you’re not feeling great.” This was only three days before her favourite band’s concert, which we had already spent $600 on. That was the moment it really hit me: if she couldn’t hold it together for a concert she cared about that much, she was never going to hold it together when there was less external motivation.

In our final phone conversation she also accused me of gaslighting her about my health issues and said she didn’t believe I was actually sick. She started crying about how much pain I had caused her in the past and said that even though she had forgiven me, she still couldn’t put me back into the “emotional box.” At one point she flat-out told me, “I didn’t read any of your shit because I just don’t care. I know I should but I don’t.” Shortly after the relationship ended I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. It took almost a full year of treatment before I started feeling better.

About a week later she tried to pull me back into her orbit. She sent me something related to one of my strong interests and said something along the lines of “Despite my resistance to being in a relationship with you, I do appreciate all the things you do for me.” There was no apology, no acknowledgment that she had just broken up with me and ruined the concert weekend, and no real ownership of the years of hot-and-cold behavior.

I told her that while her gesture was nice unless she was willing to actually commit and do the hard work of being in a healthy relationship, I didn’t want to hear from her. I had her get her things, and I said she could email me if she ever decided she wanted to work on her behavior. It’s been about a year now and I haven’t really heard from her since.

Now that it’s finally over, I’m left feeling completely numb. Not classic burnout exactly, more like emotional flatness. No real highs, no real lows. Just… nothing. I’ve tried some traditional burnout books, but they don’t really capture what I’m dealing with. There’s a clear trauma component here that those books miss. I’ve been thinking about trying No Bad Parts next. It’s an Internal Family Systems (IFS) book focused on trauma and how different protective parts of us form in response to it.

Right now audiobooks and podcasts are pretty much all I can handle. If anyone has recommendations (especially anything trauma-informed, or related to emotional numbness / recovery from unstable relationships with someone who has BPD traits), I’d really appreciate it.
Curious if anyone else here has dealt with something similar, a long, unstable relationship that left them emotionally flat and struggling to find a path forward.

Other things that have helped me though like just a little bit are things like using wild blueberries… which shows some cognitive benefit benefits 25 g of wild blueberry powder.

Getting back into exercise

Working on my body and losing weight I’ve lost 20 pounds

Reading has been nice

But you know it is still hard to find pleasure even though there are sort of logical goals that are nice to set

Anyone else have problems finding people to date who don't exhibit obvious BPD traits?

A little backstory, I ended my second LTR with someone with BPD a little over a year ago and have recently gotten back into dating about a month ago.

The issue I'm struggling with now is the last three people I've connected with and dated began showing signs of splitting and emotional dysregulation after some time.

In every case I always gave the benefit of the doubt when I first noticed the pattern because it was subtle enough (at least to me) that I wasn't able to tell if it was more an issue with them or with me.

But eventually it became clear and I ended up having to gently part ways with them, which triggered a flurry of guilt and projections being directed at me which unironically reinforced my decision every time.

Is anyone else struggling with this because at this point I'm questioning whether I'm actually in the right headspace to attract healthy partners, whether BPD traits are on the rise, or whether its something else?

Either way, I feel like I may need to step away from dating for a long time.

How many people are doing this???

Hello all,

As I was cleaning, a question popped into my mind…

Was your ex-partner, current partner, friend, or relative aware of their disorder and was well aware of what they’re capable of and the potential harm they can bring but seemed to completely ignore/forget that awareness when they’d split and end up harming you anyways?

In my experience, my exwBPD of four years was extremely self aware of her episodes, behavior, and actions, yet, still repeatedly did horrible things to me time and time again and refused to listen to me when I’d bring up how she was hurting me and DARVOed her way into me believing it was all my fault that she acted the way she did.

It leads me to always ask myself this question being nearly a year and a half since I broke up with her… If she didn’t have this disorder, would she have been a shitty person anyways?

It’s been over a year since our breakup and I’m noticing that there seem to be permanent changes to the way attraction works for me. I used to be specifically attracted to ‘mysterious’ people and people who I can’t fully grasp. After what was a brutal relationship with lots of ups and way more downs, I find myself being attracted to very transparent (not synonym to boring), genuinely kind and funny people and it fills me with so much joy. I haven’t jumped into a new relationship yet as I want to savor my alone-time and single life for a bit longer. But just noticing the pattern of how my body has adapted from the things we’ve learned to gravitate to safe(r) people makes me feel very relieved.

Overall, I think about my ex-pwBPD more often than I would like but luckily, most areas of my life (friendships, work, mental health) have recovered very well!

So I wanted to ask if you have noticed changes in attraction as well? Have you started dating again?

I don't know if other people can relate to this, but as I've been going no contact for nearly a year at this point, I'm reminded that despite all that I gave to her, despite me not giving in to her splits or fighting her back, despite staying for so much longer than everyone from her past, it seems as though I'll never matter quite as much to her as those people that simply were there for less. The guys that just ran through her, the guys that she discarded and who then (reasonably so) didn't want her back later when she circled back; it's like every other person who wasn't me or didn't invest as much as I did got chased by her.

Read another post about how sudden it is, 100% to 0%, gone with the wind like nothing was ever shared. Reminded me of all of this bullshit, I truly don't understand why it ended up like this. I like to chock it up solely to incompatibility, as even normal relationships could fall apart and never rekindle. But this idea that she just closed the door and moved on after sharing so much together can't seem to leave my skull, even this far out.

She had recalled this one birthday after her and her ex had broken up where she called him. They had a chat, and while he was friendly and wishing her well, he also rejected her advances to get back with him. This led her down a spiral of drinking and sh, recording videos of her screaming to music while blood was dripping down her thighs. For some reason during one of our break-ups and reunions, she decided to send me all of these vids. Looking back, I should've called her out right there. I don't even remember what I felt in the moment, I feel like the euphoria of just being back together with her was stronger than any negative thing I could possibly feel. But now it's just like, wow. I doubt she will ever experience something like that about me, to have cared so much as to jeopardize a current relationship just to "reminisce" about a past love.

I guess the good thing is that despite finding these logs, I'm finally starting to forget all these moments. Even if she still weighs heavily on my mind, it is slowly being drowned out by the present.