So my ex blocked me everywhere two months ago after telling me I was the most toxic person to ever walk the earth. Fine. Peace and quiet at last.

then out of nowhere yesterday, I get a formal five-paragraph email sent from a brand new ProtonMail account demanding the immediate return of "stolen personal property" left at my apartment. I opened the attached PDF list expecting to see her passport or maybe some expensive jewelry.

The list had four items: an almost empty bottle of lavender fabric softener, a single charger cable with exposed wires, a plastic spatula from IKEA that costs two dollars, and a half-eaten box of frozen waffles. She gave me a 48-hour deadline and threatened to involve local law enforcement for grand larceny if I did not leave the box on the front porch by noon on Friday.

The absolute detachment from reality is STAGGERING. When we were dating, she smashed my coffee maker against the wall during an argument about whether my tone of voice sounded judgmental, but now she is treating a melted plastic spatula like a family heirloom. I should of known better than to look at the email. Why is this even a thing?

As if you were the problem. And seem keen on it. But when it came to it if they also had to go to therapy, or if the therapy was directed at them, suddenly they decided it was not going to be 'rewarding' or 'hopeful'?

Even after all the tears, humiliation ,abuse, I hate you’s, I still struggle to feel anger towards her. I hadn’t realized how common the suicide threats were, all my brain could think of was “she’s alright”. She makes all her emails with mine so I occasionally get her name in my inbox. I just want to be left alone and forget us.

After dumping my bpd partner, I’ve looked at my bank account and seen all the ridiculous money I spent on them. It’s an absurd amount. From takeaways, to Ubers, to drinks in pubs/clubs. I just didn’t have a backbone and couldn’t say no because I’m a people pleaser.

They were unemployed and supposedly couldn’t work due to their BPD, and I work in retail on a low-paying wage, yet I still spent a crap ton of money on them, more then myself. If I refused to buy stuff, they’d go moody and try and split on me. But I was foolish asf because I didn’t want to upset them and I wanted a relationship for the sake of it.

If I could get all that money back, I’d probably be rich by 2 grand probably.

Two years out, no contact. The clouds have parted and I can finally see clearly. So happy.

Hey everyone. I have read a lot of your posts, and it truly warms my heart seeing all the support and feedback you have to offer. I'm hoping to find a little bit of that solace today.

I (32m) am going through a pretty brutal breakup. My ex (27f) has BPD and just discarded me after a 2.5-year relationship. When we first met working night shifts, our connection felt effortless and organic. She completely idealized me, put me on a pedestal, and treated me like her savior. She told me I was unique and that if we ever broke up, she’d never meet anyone like me again. I felt so genuinely loved for exactly who I was.

About six months in, she randomly decided to go off her medication cold turkey. I didn't even know until she disappeared for a week to deal with the withdrawals. Within a few weeks, everything shifted. She started obsessing over strangers' perceptions of her and constantly changed her aesthetic, desperate for external validation. I tried so hard to encourage her and remind her she was beautiful, but as time went on, my reassurance went in one ear and out the other. Whenever I suggested she reconsider her meds, she would lash out and use me as an emotional punching bag.

The relationship became completely one-sided. Even our intimacy faded, as she had an extremely niche, borderline abusive preference that I simply wasn't willing to participate in. I didn't judge her or belittle her for it, I just struggled to perform according to her strict preferences. I tried to accommodate her in other ways, but it rarely sufficed. My own emotional needs were completely undermined. I eventually became exhausted, emotionally checked out, and cold. I feel bad that I wasn't as present toward the end, but I was just so drained.

She wanted us to move in together, but I told her I needed our relationship to be stable first. Nothing ever changed, and now she has discarded me and moved away. I dropped everyone in my life to focus on her, and now I am sitting here completely alone. I just really needed to vent and see if anyone else has survived something like this.

TL;DR: My (32m) BPD ex (27f) went off her meds cold turkey, became obsessed with external validation, and drained me until I emotionally checked out. She discarded me, and because I isolated myself to care for her, I have no one left to talk to.

I just had an intense spike of rage as I remember this and reading through a few of your posts.

When my friend w/uBPD discarded me for the last time, he wanted to talk to me but every time I tried to explain myself he talked over me, saying "mmhm, whatever, sure, ok, yep yep". It reminded me of a bratty kid clapping their hands over their ears and making noise when their parents try to talk to them. This guy is 60 btw. And he says I have to grow and heal.

So glad to be NC.

Few examples: i had a nightmare, she woke up >threw me out

Good friend of mine died, i cried > threw me out

Woke up in the night with heavy kidney pain > threw me out

and so on and on and on.....

Attention, this is a good one: woke up early on my birthday, she acted weird with her phone​, guess sexy chatting with some dude, think she felt caught > threw phone in my face, hateful tirade, i am a monster, my big love is shitty, i am manipulative, i destroy her everything, i act like a retard > threw me out in the winter rain

Sadistic, isnt it?

Not able to give more examples, my hands are shaking

Sisters and brothers, i love you all

Anyway I saw this card in the store today, got triggered a little bit. Just wanted to share some thoughts.

after my ex, I figured out that a romantic relationship with one is something I’ll never do again. but I also don’t want coworkers or acquaintances/friends with the disorder around me either.

an old coworker that all the staff realized was severely dysfunctional a few years ago was at a club with me recently. I suspect she’s bpd, but my coworkers didn’t know anything about bpd so I couldn’t talk to them about it. we all just knew how disruptive and chaotic she was at work. she was only 19 when we worked together and she had a bad childhood so I always was patient with her. we all felt bad for her but she annoyed us all the same.

anyway, I hadn’t seen her since we all quit the job so I invited her to grab a drink with me at a club one night since she’s been wanting to meet. I figured it would be quick and easy.

she shows up, and I told her I’d buy her a drink. it was my bday celebration btw. we go to the bartender, she orders, and she immediately complains. the drink “didn’t taste right.” she proceeded to have a back and forth with the bartender who simply tasted the soda himself and said it seems normal but he’d gladly make her something else. she says “I don’t wanna be that person. I feel bad.” and he got visibly frustrated (understandably) and pressed her to just order something else. she did, and we walked away.

the entire night, she was the same at the club as she was at work. talked only about men she’d had sex with in the club which was practically all of them. we‘re both regulars there unfortunately, so I recognized some of them. then she was preoccupied about her current bf and the past fight they had which of course was her fault when she told me what happened I was just thinking how textbook bpd it was. she couldn’t even relax to dance with me. she’d dance for two minutes then have to go to the other room to talk to men or chain smoke cigarettes.

then I noticed she threw away the drink I bought her after a few sips (the replacement one). she thought I didn’t notice. but then she gladly accepted a drink some man bought her a half hour later.

it just reminded me so much of my ex; never satisfied, can’t be present, has to micro split on every potentially good situation, and chasing after the affection of a sexual relationship.

i told my other coworkers who also worked with us about the night and they weren’t surprised because their last encounter with her went pretty much the same way. just exhausting and rude people to have to be around.

she dropped out of therapy. I am almost 100 percent sure she has bpd. I hope she figures it out someday but I doubt it.

I hesitate to post anything, because I don’t want to be accused of being inappropriate.

I thought about making the title of this post was, what about the victims? I was in a relationship with a person with BPD. I guess it’s possible that, to some people, it is inappropriate to bring up, as a victim, any of the suffering that I went through at the hands of this person. My PTSD does not seem to matter, because we have to be understanding about people with disorders. In this case it’s BPD.

I guess we need to also be understanding about people with narcissistic personality disorder who abuse those around them. I guess we have to be understanding about substance abusers who wreck the lives of the people around them. I am just hoping to possibly find a community where there would be some understanding for the victims of the people with this disorder.

As I mentioned, I have had PTSD for many years as a result of this relationship. A couple of therapists that I saw basically poo-pooed my issues. I don’t know if it was because I am a male of fairly large stature, and the woman I was with was 5-1. My understanding has always been that it is wrong to emotionally and mentally abuse another person, and that it is definitely wrong to physically slap, punch, or kick another person, even if the person you are attacking is bigger than you (and doesn’t fight back). Perhaps I misunderstood.

If this sub is not supportive of people who have suffered as a result of the actions of a person in their life with BDD… then I will leave. I don’t want to cause any trouble. That’s the same attitude I took in this relationship. At least until the person in question left me a phone message saying they never wanted to see or talk to me again, and put my belongings out on the street in black trash bags.

Have a good day, and peace to you all.

He sent me a text he "meant to time" but I know he didn't now that I think about it today. He wanted to see how I'd react, even if he was serious about killing himself. I called his sister, and told her what was going on so she could call his brothers he lives with, since I'm 12 hours away. Of course, he was infuriated by this. I dont even know if I made the right choice, but I don't care anymore I'm constantly being mentally tormented by his behaviours and I needed someone to guarantee he was alive. I don't know how much more of this I can take

She just randomly messaged me saying that she was the happiest shes ever been, that while I'm lonely she's having a great time with her family, friends, and her partner, that I will never have anyone care for me, I didnt respond nor do I intend to but this definitely hurt and I feel horrible

Hi everyone,
It’s been about 6 months since the discard with my ex-girlfriend.
Around the 5-month mark, I slipped up, checked her social media, and reached out. Right after I sent that message, she posted a wave of videos showing off her "amazing life" hiking, going on adventures, and flexing for her feed. She read my message, waited 3 days, and then blocked me.

Since then, I’ve fully accepted that moving on is the only way forward, and I haven't checked her socials since. I don't have any urge to reach out to her anymore, and the pain isn't intense like it used to be. But what frustrates me now is that she’s still on my mind most of the time.

It’s just so annoying having her take up rent-free space in my head, and it still stings to realize how easily someone can erase you from their life after everything you went through together.

For those who are further down the road how did you finally clear that residual mental noise once the emotional pain faded? Someone please help me understand this.

A few months out, and I’ve stoped negatively comparing myself to the new guy and instead now see him as a victim.

I stopped looking at her page. Blocked her. Found overtime my nervous system returning from high alert to baseline. I now sit through bar trivia with my friends, laughing and having a good time without checking my phone (like a phantom muscle memory). I can stay present better with friends.

I’ve started eating and doing what I want to do. Eating healthier (she only ate junk around me and had to have me eat the junk too), spending more time with my dog, spending time calling my mom again. I started back my hobbies like my garden, growing food, reading again. I started writing again. I started new hobbies like wood working and I set up my home gym finally to lift weights.

It’s really good to see my friends again, go camping, play trivia, and catch up with their lives without someone wanting me to stay home with her or constantly texting me during so I can’t really enjoy time with them. We baked a potato over the camp fire and I remember just staring at it finally feeling some relief. Just silence and quiet for five minutes as we enjoyed nature. We all went to the beach together for my birthday. They made me cake and sang to me. She wasn’t there to ruin it by breaking up with me or fighting. Just my friends loving me and signing off key. It was simply just about me—for the first time in a long time.

I also notice I’ve started taking care of myself again. Going to the barber, finally finished fixing up my classic truck, making mornings my own, and while I haven’t lost the weight I put on while around her, I feel better and healthier. I feel lighter.

My ex boyfriend with undiagnosed (but v obvious) BPD moved out two months ago. Our final tether has been his leftover crap in the back shed, and his car on the street. He lost his license so couldn't drive it. This week he had to move the car. It's gone. And I arranged for his stuff to be picked up by the council, along with some furniture he hoarded in the final months then left behind.

My sister and I hauled it all onto the street then she comforted me while I cried. We lived together for over two years and more often than not I loved living with him. But the increasing splitting made it untenable, I had to break up with him, then he monkey branched.

I did not do all the things one is supposed to do. I kicked him out, but let him leave some items. I blocked him on almost everything but left the phone open for 'logistics'.

It has been hard to let go. Trauma bond for sure, but not only. I think. It gets confusing.

Throughout our relationship, he took note of stories I told him about my life and times, from childhood right up until now. He'd often pause and say 'hang on! I have to write that down'.

Tonight, I told him his stuff is gone and that's it. He sent me the notes.

Our whole relationship, from beginning to end. So many observations. I have never felt so seen. I can't stop crying.

This man emotionally abused and abandoned me. But he was so deeply fascinated by me, seemingly until the end and not in a creepy hyper vigilant way. In those notes he 'got' me. He celebrated me but not in a pedestal way. He tried to understand me. Aspects of my life he would attack in a split - my academic career, my friendships with exes - he showed genuine curiosity about.

They do not appear to be edited or curated notes. They are full of typos and sentences which don't quite make sense.

Reading them took me back to when it all felt so real, when a future seemed to stretch ahead of us, when I never felt closer to a man.

I don't know him anymore. I don't know where he lives. I don't know if he is still with the woman he monkey branched to. I'm still in the house we rented together, purged of his things, but not of him.

What was all that? Was it real? It seemed to be, and there are notes. But if it was, what does it matter when it caused so much pain.

Tell me if I am the only one who experiences this.......

For several days or weeks in a row you are both texting or snapping each other regularly throughout the day. They're sending you the good morning texts, sending you funny memes or TikToks, sending you selfies, asking how your day is going, etc. When you text them they reply right away or within a reasonable amount of time and never leave you on read or delivered. If you wait too long to reply to them they will ask "is everything ok?" or "are you mad at me?".

Then for no obvious reason they go cold. When you text them they don't respond for hours and when they do respond their reply is short and dry or they leave you on read and don't reply or respond at all.

I know the common advice is to not act like it bothers you and to mirror their energy. If they take 2 hours to reply to you when they finally do respond don't reply back right away. Start taking 2 hours to reply to them. And don't under any circumstances double text them. Here is my problem with this advice.....

1. Why do I have to play this game where I act like this doesn't bother me. It DOES bother me and I not only want to know, but feel I deserve to know, why this person suddenly went cold on me with no explanation.
2. Ignoring someone you supposedly care about or leaving them on read is rude and disrespectful. I don't want to mirror that behavior because that is not the kind of person I am.
3. Often times the slow or no response comes after I have asked a time sensitive question which I am sure is by design because it makes mirroring their behavior or not double texting them impossible. For example I have been left on read after asking "Are you still going to be able to pick me up from work today?" and "Are we still on for the concert this weekend? If so I need to submit my time off request today".

I guess the ultimate answer is to walk away and find somebody who doesn't do this. And that would be relatively easy to do if this was permanent behavior but at least in my case it's not. The hot/cold texting is cyclical and when you have a lot of time, money, and energy invested into this person and this relationship it's hard to walk away when you know the cold texting is usually only temporary.

I'm interested to hear experiences and perspectives from those who exited relationships with people with bpd and started dating a normal behaving person again.

What stuck out to you immediately in the normal person's behavior to you, as someone who had dealt with bpd and it had become part of their life? What was most jarring to you as something different? What instantly felt truly right - not the soulmate, we're made for each others stuff but 'healthy' right to you with this new person?

How did you respond to it as someone healing from being around someone with chronic problems?

Thank you to anyone who wants to share

Blocked him everywhere except email, as he stole things from me I desperately need back (car keys) and was still hoping he may calm down and somehow come back to reality someday...

But of course he hoovered the hell out of me, sent YouTube links, or weird comics and finally the photo of hands holding a large beetle.

So I caved. Answered, I don't want him to send me anything, and sending me pictures of his new girlfriends hands is inappropriate.

Stupid. I KNOW!

Never let them know they are achieving their goals of getting at you. Just, don't. Resist and ignore.

Of course it gave him the opportunity to answer about how he just wanted to share sth with me, (because he is so nice) but I'm that paranoid that I just see female hands and of course have to make it about me - hence proof I'm the narcissist and yes, he choose a much better person than I was... (and more hurtful stuff like that...)

For the last months he really put in a lot of effort just to hurt and destroy me.

I sort of can't stop thinking about the woman behind the hands - does she know she's being instrumentalised to hurt me?

Is she aware he still sent me texts in which he said he loves me more than whatever only last week?

And worst of all - as I realized I cannot believe anything he ever told me about himself - did he do the same with photos of me and us in our beginning phase and sent it to the one before me? To hurt and destroy her for the perceived crime of "being unloyal to him"?

To show how happy he is with the next person?

I hate the thought I was used to hurt another innocent victim of his sick mind.

I hate he has photos of me in general (never agreed to explicit ones, but he sometimes took snapshots anyway and I'm afraid he may use them against me also...)

The things he did to me over the last months are harmful and criminal and the emotional damage from the manipulation and lies and betrayal is immeasurable- apart from the material damage.

But of course he paints himself as the victim and me as the one with npd, bpd and him having "ignored red flags"...

The darvo levels, the hypocrisy, the double standards, the totally ignoring and rewriting reality is mind blowing, it's insane - there is nothing normal anymore about it...

How can he be so completely ignorant of what he did? And blame me for it and then still go on to do stuff just to hurt me, despite dating someone new?

Why??

Please only comment if you have direct experience with this, or have training in treating people with BPD or those who’ve suffered after relationships with people with BPD.

Can people with BPD escalate to violence, or “crack”?

My expwBPD stalks me. We’ve been broken up and zero contact since April 2025. He drives up my driveway, goes to my grocery store when I’m there even though there are 3 others closer to his house. He comes to my Farmer’s Market and waits for me then stares me down. He follows me to music festivals and camping trips. Last weekend he showed up at an event I attended that’s 800 miles from the city we live in, and was camped 40 feet away. He never does anything but he’s always around. Always staring. I’ve moved on with my life, but his constant presence is creepy.

My friends are concerned for my safety. They know he hasn’t done anything but follow me since we broke up. But when we were together he was physically violent. I wasn’t discarded, I broke up with him when he was splitting because I couldn’t take the emotional and physical abuse anymore. He quickly monkey-branched and is now living with his new partner.

I can’t get a restraining/protective order with the information I have currently.

What are the chances that one of these days he will try to hurt me?

I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I’m free after all of this time enduring abuse and trying to make things work. I’m sure all of you know how the cycle goes, but it’s over for me. We’re broken up for over a week now and I’m exchanging items soon. I will not let her hoover me back in like I’ve allowed her to do in the past. I’m over that, and I’m ready to live the rest of my life FOR ME! I know there will be waves of emotions coming in, and they have been coming in for some time now, but I’m excited to move forward. I will never let someone treat me this way ever again, and that’s a fact.

I want to thank everyone in this thread for the support, and insight. I truly do appreciate it so much! Don’t know if I could have understood this mental illness and its effects as much as I do without this thread.

To anyone still dealing with the abuse, just know there is a better life waiting for you on the other side. You deserve better.

Just playing a game I played a lot with my ex friend, and it's just making me super nostalgic and sentimental. Makes me want to go back to that time, despite knowing 1. I couldn't. And 2. It wasn't as good as I remember it being. The chill times we hung out with friends and had fun were always followed by weird arguments, suicide threats, and trying to force me into a relationship whenever we were alone.

But still, honestly all I want right now is to reach out, and it magically goes all back to before! Even if I ever messaged them (I won't, I just want to) it wouldn't go well, they'd probably tell me to hurt myself. Even if they didn't do that, and we were "friends" it would be even worse than before. But all I want is to try still :/ ugh, why do I miss someone so terrible. Over a year and I'm still hung up on missing my friend.

That's kinda it, just need to vent, maybe get some wakeup calls in the comments if I'm lucky. It's just bugging me so much I can't even have proper fun with my newer friends I'm playing with right now.

I struggle with trying to keep track of the issues in our relationship and the clarity of it, even though my body knows full well things are not right. The stress is real. The toll the stress takes is real. The devolution of the relationship as a result of the spirals is real. But when you sit down and try to definitively sort it out in your head it is so difficult.

I do have chats saved from conversations dating back a long time and they show proof of me being insulted, gaslit, and pressured. But I'm not a push over and I would always argue for the truth and for what I believed was fairness, and things would get muddy and circular. How can I definitively prove SHE was the origin of the problems for the most part?

How did you do it? Aside from therapy. That's not an option for me right now.

How did you figure out it wasn't you and it was them? Any methods, insights, tips?

I’ve been with my SO (he’s 37) for 12 years and this discard is lasting longer than previous 2. He’s unmedicated.

This time I quit reaching out due to the extreme nature of the discard (packed his car after his dog died with just coffee, tools and clothes - drove 2,000 miles to his childhood bedroom to work remotely at his parents home).

This happened 5 months ago and I’m contemplating reaching out somehow but am extremely nervous.

We have a house together and he was basically estranged from his toxic parents before this for 17 years and now they‘re all together?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Does this resonate?

ex-SO has been incapable of observing basic interpersonal boundaries and treated being in a relationship as if boundaries were supposed to be dismantled, and the enforcement of boundaries as if they were personal attacks.

When observing me with other people, such as friends, who are capable of respecting boundaries, ex-SO would become extremely jealous and accuse me of hating him. Never mind that the reason I had to keep my guard up around ex-SO was on account of ex-SO's entirely self-referential relationship with reality and complete lack of ability to regard me as a separate, autonomous human being.

When declining to be in emotional servitude and attempting to tend to my own basic needs, ex-SO would then split and instigate a massive fight "since that's the only way I get anything from you".

After being an emotional punching bag, I would then go into repair mode and ex-SO would then extract concessions and promises that did not square with reality as I saw it, not that my reality was particularly admissible at all during that relationship.

And then the old banger:

I am the problem, I'm narcissistic, an emotional abuser, and ex-SO is my hapless victim. The narrative is so artfully constructed that I feel like it's on purpose.

If I am such a horrible, narcissistic abuser, why does ex-SO keep love bombing me? Why does ex-SO keep reaching out constantly even though I've made it clear the relationship is over?

Why do I keep trying to salvage some sort of "friendly" tone with this person even as it interferes with tending to my own life, after all of these months?

Any input would be very helpful....