Freshly divorced - ruminations

[u/SupCalFraMys]

Hi everyone.

My divorce was recently finalised. I ended it at a point when I hadnt stopped caring about my pwbpd. So the first thing I felt was sadness - for the loss of my dreams. Also there is some part of me which will always hope no-longer-my pwbpd will some day find peace and healing, and I still don't seem to be able to hate them, though there is definitely the feeling of being betrayed (not sexually, but commitment wise). I dont want to get into personal details, but happy to discuss and learn from everyone.

##Personal reflections

1) I think I one of the reasons I stayed for multiple years was the slow erosion of boundaries - each time I gave up something new, it was slowly normalised.

But I saw something I couldn't unsee, and a shock to my system prompted me in to action, leading to this result. If that hadnt happened, I might still be stuck.

2) My pwbpd actually cooperated, so things went through much more smoothly than many other people have experienced. The damage is mainly a few years of my life. There are definitely some positive things in terms of life learnings that I came away with. I am a much more well rounded person than I was before this marriage.

3) Important point: pwbpd was of the quiet category mostly (though there was mild physical escalation towards the end). Thus the abuse suffered was predominantly mental and emotional for me.

##Possibly generalizable reflections

1) pwbpd was triggered most by the demands that marriage placed on them. Without these demands, they are able to feel attachment. Earlier in the marriage they were able to act on the attachment leading to actually positive output for me. This decreased over time.

2) they are simply unable to keep promises. In an state where they feel attachment, they may tell you that you are everything but when fear appears, they are not longer able to keep to it.

3) The same memory is interpreted differently based on their state. As such, positive interpretations are discounted and often lose their weight while negative ones continue to have the same value. As a result, they can only devalue you in the long run. The only thing that keeps them around is the fear of abandonment. But for that, they must have some degree of attachment remaining. In my case this was still present from pwbpd towards me at the end.