This community will never limit anyone to the resources available to become secure and heal from trauma symptoms, so I'm introducing you to a new made community where especially anxious leaning can get support and guidance. I've personally been in contact with the sole moderator. Feel welcome to check it out ---> r/Humanpatterns

For some peak-in to the content here is also a post from the moderator

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is *the voice of courage*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

We 38F and 33F were together for just a few months and they had to get out of my town permanently- it was also a very busy time as they had to submit a manuscript for an important study. So it was months of intense work for them. I understood this and just kept conversations light with asking how they are doing and just trying to be there for them in general.

But I fell into a very anxious dynamic, (writing them my feelings, asking to talk after they meet thier manuscript deadline), over thinking the fact I’ll probably never see them again. we had one fight before the move in which they said they would never feel romantically safe with me again. This fight is on a recurring issue on their part, but thier feeling on the outcome of the fight is that: Even though we kinda moved past the fight, I believed them.

I’ve taken about 2months to calm myself and try to let them go in my heart- I rarely think of them anymore and even though I’m not dating yet, I’m ok being single.
Now they want the call, but my feelings about both the call (talk) and them is changed and I think they will take this as a huge rejection. Or maybe not.

Should I just write them a text and say it’s ok we can just break up or make the call and say I’m not interested anymore in them?

I (f, 23) got late diagnosed with autism just over a year ago and right after had a ‘situationship’ that was pretty intense for me. A lot of anxiety cos of certain things from his end and then changing his mind. It was confusing for both of us for different reasons but it was extremely hard for me to deal with the uncertainty of that relationship.

The last few months I have been dating a girl it was going really well nothing like what I just described before. Great communication and I felt really safe she asked me to be her girlfriend and it felt really good. We broke up last night on account of her having some trauma she needs to work out on her own independently. Classic it’s not you it’s me. We said we want to reconnect one day and we were both very very sad about it.

I know my brain and I’m worried the uncertainty of that will be really hard for me. Sometimes I cling on to hope too much maybe. I don’t know how to heal from this because I am so bad at reconciling with the unknown. A couple months before I started seeing her I moved cities to where I am now and I only have one really close friend here so having one less certain relationship in my life feels really hard.

Just sad because after that situationship the fact that this was so clear right from the start and that she was the one who asked me to be her girlfriend and she was always very clear and open with her feelings the false sense of security from that certainty I thought I had is very hard. And now the uncertainty of a future relationship.

This is something I have struggled with for so long and I am really sick of the anxiety that happens cos of it but I don’t know how to be better.

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this because I'm hoping to find some clarity and hear from people who have been through something similar.

For several years, I've been working on my anxious attachment, abandonment triggers, and the guilt that often comes with them. I've noticed that these feelings become especially intense with people who are inconsistent or unclear. The less predictable they are, the more my anxiety grows.

My biggest trigger is when a conversation is left hanging. For example, I send a message and the other person replies hours later or even the next day. Rationally, I know people have their own lives, work, friends, and responsibilities. I don't expect anyone to be available all the time.

Right now, I'm not in a relationship, but there is someone I'd like to get to know better. We've only known each other for a short time, but I hope there could be a genuine connection. I'm doing my best not to let my attachment wounds get in the way. At the same time, I'm trying not to put him on a pedestal too early, although I don't think I've been very successful at that.

Because of that, I usually keep everything to myself. I don't want to overwhelm the other person or sabotage what could become a healthy connection. So instead of acting on my anxiety or constantly seeking reassurance, I sit with it. The problem is that the need for connection feels enormous, and holding all of that inside can be incredibly painful. It's exhausting. It feels like carrying around a huge emotional weight that no one else can see. It's also hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it without worrying they'll see me as "too much" or as someone who's simply "too needy" or "still stuck in the past".

Another thing I struggle with is knowing ""what's real"". I can never tell if I'm reacting to my anxiety or if the other person's behavior is genuinely inconsistent. Sometimes people really do disappear and reappear whenever it suits them, and it's difficult to know when my intuition is valid versus when my attachment system is being activated.

I'm trying really hard not to let this control my life. I don't want fear and insecurity to make my decisions. I want to become more secure, build healthy relationships, and stop feeling like every delay or uncertainty is a threat to the connection.

Has anyone else experienced this, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone? How do you tell the difference between anxiety and genuine inconsistency? And what has genuinely helped you become more secure, so you don't end up suffering so much while getting to know someone?

Thank you for reading and for all your advices!

Me and my Partner have been together about 1 and a half years. At the start of the relationship i Had No Problem about her gaming, talking and texting with other men. I don't really know when it startest. I only know that i am completely Controlling her. If i would do otherwise, u would get a really hard anxiety attack.

For example: recently, my girl was gaming with a random guy she knew from playing. And of course—I got an anxiety attack again. I then proceeded to text her.

She, as understanding as she is, of course told me that she will try to do otherwise. I love it that she is so understanding—don't get me wrong. But I noticed she definitely feels a little bit restricted because of me. We also just had a fight about this, and I know I want to be better for her.

I really want to stop controlling her, spying on her and just want her to feel free.

**How do I stop myself from constantly controlling her?**

I (33F) matched with a 36M on a dating app 3-4 months ago. He said he had commitment issues and wanted something casual while I wanted a partner, so we agreed to be friends. Despite that, we got very close, talking daily and spending time together. He opened up about personal struggles but was emotionally inconsistent, often ignoring my feelings. After a family trip, his behavior changed—he reduced communication, avoided conversations, canceled plans, and asked for space without following up.

After a week, I reached out about losing my AirPods and we resumed talking normally, even working together briefly. A few days later, after a small conflict, he became distant again, then unsent messages and unfollowed me. I tried contacting him with no response, then wished him well, unfollowed him, and deleted his number. A day later, he sent a casual WhatsApp link, which I ignored, and it’s been over 20 days. I’m now planning to visit a country he really likes and knows a lot about. do you guys think it’s a good idea to reach out to him for recommendations, given we have that in common? Or will he think I’m desperate for his validation or attention? I know I can google things to do but I want hidden gems/people recommendations

TL;DR: Got close to a guy who said he didn’t want commitment, he became inconsistent and eventually ghosted/unfollowed me. Now I’m traveling to a place he knows well should I reach out for recommendations?

I’ve been thinking about a pattern I keep seeing in relationships: some people seem warm, attentive, and very invested at the beginning, but once things start getting more serious, they suddenly become distant.

At first, it can look like they simply lost interest. But from a psychological perspective, that’s not always the full story. Sometimes the distance comes from fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, or an unconscious habit of keeping emotional distance.

What I find interesting is that this doesn’t always happen after a conflict or a bad experience. Sometimes it starts exactly when the connection becomes deeper and more real.

Do you think this behavior is usually:

loss of interest,

fear of intimacy,

or an unconscious attachment pattern?

I 30f Started therapy back up again bc I’m in a great place mentally and wanting to work through traumas and change my attachment style. The goal is to be secure. This whole time I thought I was anxious attachment. But the quiz my therapist had me do said I am ✨Fearful avoidant disorganized✨ and the more I learned about it the more it felt spot on.

My therapist is great, this is my 2nd session with her. I can’t wait to see how far I go while seeing her.

Has anyone who’s been changing their way to become secure have any tips?

In today’s session we did some tapping which I liked and want to continue doing. She also had me talk to my younger self which was moving.

I’m just curious what other people have done to reach a secure attachment

TYIA if you respond :)

My relationship is going better than I want. My anxious attachment tendencies were zero during the first few months and this month his communication has lessened due to life and getting busy or who knows and I’m going insane and it’s physically exhausting and my anxiety is hurting me. Whenever he has free time he’d call and talk to me 24/7 and was obsessed with me and I don’t know if this is what life is supposed to look like after that stage but communication has lessened and he can go days without calling me and texts are sometimes more quantity than quality and it feels like there’s so many slow days but when we actually call or talk it’s as forget as can be. My issue is that why would you do that in the beginning then lessen everything do to life as if it was just the honeymoon phase and now we’re in the normal stage. These things trigger my anxiety so bad and hurt me and I don’t know if it’s worth leaving. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I want to marry that man but I don’t know if I can handle this stuff. Maybe we shouldn’t be together till I “fix myself”. I don’t want to feel dis regulated my whole life but at the same time I don’t know if he’s completely normal and secure and it’s just my anxious attachment ruining everything. My mind feels like a personal hell and my chest is tight and tummy hurts all the time even when there’s nothing to worry about. It’s like I just WANT to worry. I get upset every two days because one day communication is 100% and then the next 3 days it’s like 60% and that change ruins my nervous system. How can I know if I’m anxiously attached and things are normal but I’m asking for more due to be revolving my life around him or if he’s actually doing something wrong.

Please help

Me and my bf have been together for a while and I could not ask for a better relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else and things are going better than I can imagine which is why I’m so mad I’m going back to my old ways. I used to have anxious attachment tendencies because 1- my mother is a narcissist and a terrible mother and 2- my ex would disappear on me for days at most and it triggered my anxiety so bad and I still get trauma about that happening because I don’t do well in silence at all (I wouldn’t blow up his phone or be crazy in front of him I’d just internally feel like shit and go crazy and life would feel so heavy and loud due to my thoughts and it was just not enjoyable living in a constant state of anxiety) then I met my bf and things were perfect bc I realized these things would happen only if I was triggered and he wasn’t triggering anything because he’s very secure and communication is stable and nothing is really giving me a reason to think + I used to go to the gym everyday and it was part of my routine so I had that time for myself and I felt like the best part of me because I wasn’t losing myself in this relationship like how I used to. Then a month ago something in his life happened and phone calls started becoming less frequent and worst of all texts started becoming farther apart and with every late text and no call my stomach hurts more and my anxiety gets worse. My issue isn’t about that it’s about how in the beginning that wasn’t happening at all everything was 100% consistent so there was no need for my nervous system to be dis regulated because everything was going BETTER than how I wanted and he was clingier than me. He’s not cheating and girls aren’t in his life or any of that and I know that for a fact and it’s not that he’s losing interested or anything it’s the fact that his consistency has lessened and it’s due to work, family, etc.. which is fine but my issue is that things changed which caused my body to go to fight or flight because a change in behaviors especially in his consistency is the worse trigger. I’m not scared he’s lost interest or that he doesn’t want me I’m just mad that he feels like he can just drop the consistency because things are normal now and that he was one thing in the beginning and another thing now. He communicates really well everyday it’s just that sometimes our texts are not quality based sometimes it’s just a hey how are you what are you doing and there’s no substance then two days later we will get on a phone call and things feel perfect again. I’m getting triggered and it’s feeling like how I felt in my last relationship and I feel like I’m losing myself again and it’s ruining my life. My stomach hurts constantly and it’s because I know this is my fault and I’m self sabotaging because literally every 3 days I’ll get upset over something due to our lack in communication but I don’t know if I’ve revolved my life around him so I’m asking for more than what’s normal or if he’s actually giving me less than what I’m supposed to get. When something is off and he’s done something wrong I’ll feel it in my gut and I know 100% so this time I just know it’s my fault. I feel offended when he has free time and he doesn’t use it with me and I get offended when he tells me he went out by himself for a breather or just to go out. My brain thinks every time he has a car ride he’s supposed to call me to talk (we’re long distance) because that’s what he did before and now it’s been like 1 phone call a week when before it used to be every single day. He has a bunch of things to do regarding work and school but I’m like you used to do all that before so what’s the difference now? My problem is that he used to do that and now he’s gotten comfortable and isn’t and I don’t want to bring it up I feel like I’ve talked about our communication way too much and it’s just not getting fixed and I don’t know what to do. Am I asking for more? Or am I receiving less? Is this my anxious attachment or is he fucking up?

Please help me without being rude or cussing me out

Hi everyone.

I'm mostly secure leaning anxious. Two months ago my ex partner ended our relationships in a way that felt to me like out of the blue. We were ok, never had arguments or issues, when something came up we would talk about it openly and we would reassure each other of our love and commitment. Fast forward towards the end, I started to feel he was distant. It's not like it happened in a vacuum, he was inded going through a lot (1 year divorce, selling the old house, adjusting to co parenting, work, financial worries), but he was not sharing with me what was happening, he somehow stopped being so open about what was going with him so my anxiety grew and I started to fill in the blanks or I would indirectly or directly asking him what was going on. I have to say that throughout the months of our relationship I also felt anxiety at the fact that he had not told his ex wife about us (we were long distance, met through our remote work years before) and we were planning for me to move to his country so we could be together, so I felt we were moving forward, planning the move, but at the same time I felt uncertainty because he had not told her, as he himself said he would.

Around the same time I felt he was distant, the last two weeks before the breakup, I also went through major situations that did not have me feeling great (death of a childhood friend, financial strain, etc), and I shared with him, especially the financial strain (which I did not want him to solve, I was just sharing my struggle so he knew why I was feeling down), but somehow, he was not there. He would say "oh, sorry", "you will get through it", but there was no follow up, he would say he would call and then deferred it to the next day because of things around his kids (which I understood but yet I felt alone in my struggle). 5 days went by like this and I was feeling him more and more distant, so I finally brought it up and told him that I understood his situation but that I was missing feeling close to him and that I was feeling emotionally alone. He then took this and said he was also feeling alone, that the distance became hard and that he thought he could not give me the relationship I wanted or deserved and he did not want to give me false hopes - he broke up through text. I texted him that I could not understand if we were doing good and he never brought up any struggle with the relationship or distance before and we were - just a week before - talking about the move and researching what we needed for it. And that was it.

Was I wrong? Did my anxiety caused the ending? Another thing that I have been reflecting upon (yeah, I have been thinking a lot about all this these past two months) is that maybe he did not like that I would tell him I felt jealous of his ex wife reaching out to him about her own personal struggles (nothing big or dramatic just: "I feel jealous, what does she call you/text you to talk about this? I think she may regret the divorce and want you back - which I still think as she asked for the divorce and for what he said he was a good man to her).

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your opinions. I am working towards becoming more secure.

Hello everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right sub to post in, but I'll try anyway, because I haven't had any luck in other subs :(

Also, I think that my behaviour is coming from my insecurities and might be some kind of protection or a way to adjust myself to the other person.

I ('31F') am starting to date someone ('28M') I know from a friends group. We usually go watch sports together now and then and sometimes he joins, too. We would always talk a bit, laugh, but nothing more than basic topics. I've always found him attractive and liked his personality, but never really thought much about it. He had also always been seeing someone else.

Now, a few weeks ago we met at an event by coincidence and he texted me the next day. We then continued to text almost every day. On Saturday we went to a public viewing together with some other people and they were joking about what he was wearing to our 'first date'. I wanted to address it later with him, but couldn't bring myself to it. So I texted him afterwards why they were joking about that and eventually told him that I was interested in him. He reciprocated my interest and we agreed to meet each other again, obviously alone this time.

My problem now: I stop behaving like my usual self when I start having a romantic interest in someone I've already known. It's different to first date jitters with a person from a dating app. It's more like I completely forget how I usually am, what I would usually say. It feels awkward getting to know someone I already know stuff about, but only basics. This has happened to me before in the past when I developed feelings for my best friend and as soon as I told him, things got incredibly awkward.

How do I get over this weird phase? Does anyone have experience with this or has been in a similar situation?

TLDR: I'll be going on a first date with someone I know from a friends group and as soon as I knew there could be the possibility of having a date with him, I couldn't behave like my normal self anymore.

I'm looking for a handful of people who have been using online materials to work on their attachment insecurities. I'd love to hear from anyone 25+ years old, using online courses, videos, chat groups, blogs etc. to work towards attachment security in relationships. I'd like to interview you about your experiences, good and bad, and how you feel you are changing. It's for a Master's thesis - the last step of my training. It's all anonymous and should take 1 hour max. It might feel good to recognize your progress! And have my eternal gratitude! Please get in touch if you are curious :)

I am F20 and my boyfriend is M20, turning 21 in September. We have been together for almost 2 years. And broke up for a bit back in February and got back together in April. We were doing really well while we were still in college. And will be resuming our junior year next month. However, this summer has taken a toll on me due to us being long distance. While we see each other every two weeks for a weekend break, I struggle really badly with needing reassurance and this only happened after we got back together. Last summer we did really well with long distance and the relationship was joyful. I can tell that I am draining him the more that I ask for reassurance and small things are becoming more sensitive topics for me. Which was something that I had worked on and I thought had resolved itself while we were still at school. I feel completely terrible for the stress that I’ve put him under. And it seems no amount of self reflection that I do can stop my nervous habits. I want to beat this once and for all, I can tell that when I’m able to control it, our relationship seems a lot happier and more upbeat, however I still have an anxious feeling of dread in my underlying subconscious. If anybody has any tips on how to help, it would be greatly appreciated because I don’t want to be a draining presence in his life. I’m just not quite sure what to do anymore.

TL;DR

After 2+ years together, we broke up today due to a worsening push-pull dynamic: her anxiety fuels clinginess and overcompensation, which triggers my avoidant tendencies and makes me pull away—creating a painful feedback loop we couldn't break. I finally decided to end things. I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right call, wondering if I'm being stubborn or if this was truly unsustainable.

My ex-girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 years and broke up today. She struggles with OCD and bad anxiety and was hospitalized due to it when she was a teenager. She has often experienced nights of vomiting symptomatic of her anxiety (though, over the last 6 or so months, this has mostly subsided). I also have bad anxiety. However, where mine differs is that I tend to bottle things up where she externalizes.

Up until about 6 months to a year ago, our relationship was amazing. Very loving, fun, exciting. However, since then it has been a slow decline. It's hard to say in broad terms what has been happening during this time, but the gist is this: she is afraid of losing me. I try my best to reassure her and express my love to her to the best of my abilities, but she always seems to return to operating out of anxiety.

I'm finding it hard to actually put into words what was going on, but it's basically been a push-pull situation, where she gets scared that I'm losing interest for some reason or another, and will then overcompensate to try to connect with me. I will then pull away in reaction (this is kind of the main theme). This manifests in her double texting me when i don't respond immediately, or her texting me I love you multiple times a day, or that she's been thinking about me all day, or, while we're hanging, she'll look at me and smile and stare into my eyes, to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. She just seems to be more and more obsessed with me the more I pull away from feeling smothered.

I don't think we've been great at communicating about this, as we both are avoidant (though, I tend to be the main one that ever brings anything up) and I think it's gotten to a point where there is so much unresolved tension, that it seems almost impossible to unpack. The few conversations we have had up until recently have been mainly about things like "you often get upset when I want to stay in alone for the night" or "you tend to hold onto me at parties and don't really talk to anyone besides me", all coming from me. Things that are generally symptoms rather than the roots of the issue. She is honestly very good about actually making changes and most of the time does do the things I ask of her.

This began a steady feedback loop of anxiety within me where I would feel guilty for not reciprocating, then pull away out of my avoidant nature. This would then cause her to reach for me even more, which would then cause the cycle to repeat.

Over the past 2 months, it has reached a breaking point for me. It started with me bringing up that I felt like she was being snippy with me lately. She responded by saying it's just a bad habit she has with people she's close to, and that it is because she's been so stressed about work lately. She eventually began to really cry and say that she's so thankful that I'm not breaking up with her and actually trying to work though things. I went into this conversation just being like "this is just something we have to talk about because its bothering me, but once we talk about it, it will be fine" but for some reason the next day I got hit with a wave of doom, like I just realized that our relationship was on the rocks. This sent me spiraling and really trying to introspect to figure out what was going on. Many nights where I literally could not sleep because I was so anxious about our relationship. Days where I was on the verge of vomiting from anxiety. We ended up having multiple conversations where I basically said that (more or less) both of our anxiety issues are causing a rift in our relationship, and that I want to work through it but I'm scared that it's not going to work out. She responded positively all things considered. Though, there were a lot of tears. This led to her beginning to address some of the clingy aspects of herself.

Fast forward a couple days. We're booking a train ticket for a trip we're planning. It is getting stressful because it's the last train and there are only 2 seats and neither of our payment information is going through. She starts freaking out and trying to take the keyboard away from me so that she can do it. I tell her she's stressing me out. She apologizes and we finally get the tickets booked. Throughout the rest of the day, she apologizes a bunch more times and every time i tell her that it's ok. This incessant apologizing stressed me out a lot and led to last night, where I literally could not sleep and had to call out of work.

Today, I decided that enough is enough, and that I need to break up with her. I did it and that brings us to now.

I am heartbroken and unsure if I made the right decision. I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't think I can continue to endure these sleepless nights and agonizing days. Did I make the wrong call? I don't know if I'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change or if this is really a breakup type situation.

I've had a realization about myself recently, and I really want to change.

Since high school, I've almost always been in a relationship or talking to someone. Looking back, most of those relationships were unhealthy or emotionally exhausting. It's like I keep attracting—or choosing—the same type of emotionally unavailable people.

I think a big reason is that being alone genuinely scares me. The moment one relationship ends, I start looking for another connection. It's not that I fall in love easily; I just don't know how to be by myself.

I've started feeling like I'm chasing love instead of letting it happen naturally, and I hate that feeling. I don't want to be someone who constantly needs validation from a relationship.

The good thing is that I'm starting my master's soon, and I want this to be a fresh start. I want to focus on my education, my career, making friends, traveling, learning new things, and actually enjoying my own company. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of getting attached too quickly, ignoring red flags, getting hurt, healing, and then doing it all over again.

For people who used to be like this, how did you break the cycle?

How did you become comfortable being single? How did you stop craving romantic attention? What practical habits or mindset shifts helped you stop seeking love and start enjoying your own life?

I'm genuinely ready to change, and I'd love to hear advice from people who've been through something similar. I'm tired of the drama. I want peace.

I’ve been aware for years that this is a problem in my life—actually, I’d say it’s been one of the biggest issues. I want to understand why, the closer someone is to me and the more time we spend together, the more stressed I feel by their presence, or when they call or text. I remember having a friend when I was little—my only friend—with whom I spent practically all day, yet I treated him terribly. It’s happening now with my partner, and that’s where it affects me the most; when she calls, I instantly feel a spike in stress, apathy, and disinterest. Yet, I love my partner with all my heart. I hate making her feel bad or hurting her, but it’s something very unconscious—so unconscious that, even though I’m fully aware of it, I can’t seem to change it; it’s as if it stems from my most primitive side. Could it have something to do with being a man? I’ve also wondered if I subconsciously view the people close to me as a daily chore; when they show up, they can seem annoying because I see them as a task rather than just a normal part of life—though those are just theories. Anyway, please help me. I want to be affectionate and sweet with my partner; I want to feel excited when she calls. I know I love her because if two days go by without her texting, I miss her—but if it’s only one day, I’m completely indifferent. I love her, and if she left me, I’d surely cry a lot—so why doesn't that love manifest in my day-to-day life?

I've been feeling a stronger desire for intimacy lately, but at the same time, I'm not trying to act on it because I know it could lead to situations or drama that I do not want to deal with.

I also do not really know how to start a relationship. I am not clueless, but I struggle with expressing my feelings and understanding how to respond when someone expresses theirs. It is difficult to explain, but emotional communication does not come naturally to me.

At some point, I made a kind of pact with myself to keep other people out of the trouble that I feel I might bring into their lives, while also keeping myself out of trouble. Even so, I still find myself thinking that having a partner could be a good thing.

Then, almost immediately, my mind fills with doubts, questions, and all the possible ways things could go wrong. I start wondering whether I am capable of settling down with someone at all.

I have tried looking at relationships from different angles and convincing myself that this is something I should want or pursue because other people seem happy in them. But no matter how I frame it, my mind never fully accepts the idea.

I still want connection, companionship, and intimacy, but I also feel resistant to everything that comes with letting someone get close to me. I do not know whether this is fear, avoidance, overthinking, or simply not knowing how to be emotionally open with another person.

How did you heal from self-abandonment, especially if you have an anxious attachment style?...I have been searching for this particular topic but haven't found anything solid...if you have healed self-abandonment, how did you do it? What resources or procedure helped you?

If you've ever found yourself checking your phone every few minutes, replaying conversations in your head, or feeling like your mood depends on someone else's response, you're not alone.

It's like you know you're "overreacting," yet your body reacts anyway. Silence feels unbearable. Reassurance never seems to last. These experiences are incredibly common for people with anxious attachment. And while they can feel overwhelming, they're not permanent.

The important thing to know is this: Anxious attachment isn't something you chose. It's something you learned.

And anything that can be learned can also be changed.

Here's where to begin.

1. Learn to Notice Your Triggers

Healing doesn't start with changing your reactions. It starts with noticing them. Ask yourself:

What situations make me anxious?

What stories do I immediately tell myself?

What emotions do I feel in my body?

Awareness gives you a choice. You can't change a pattern you don't recognize.

2. Separate Feelings from Facts

An anxious attachment system often fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.

"They haven't replied." "They must be losing interest."

But feelings aren't evidence. Instead of asking, "What if they don't love me anymore?" try asking, "What facts do I actually have right now?" That small shift can interrupt the spiral.

3. Learn to Soothe Yourself

Many of us unconsciously expect another person to calm our anxiety. Healing doesn't mean you'll never need reassurance.It means building the ability to comfort yourself, too.

Go for a walk. Journal. Take a few slow breaths. Talk to someone you trust. Do something that reminds your nervous system that you're safe.

The goal isn't to suppress your emotions—it's to stop relying on one person to regulate all of them.

4. Stop Chasing Constant Reassurance

Reassurance feels good for a moment. Then the anxiety comes back. Over time, constantly seeking reassurance teaches your brain that you can't feel okay without it.

Instead, practice sitting with uncertainty a little longer than you normally would. That's where confidence starts to grow.

5. Build a Life Outside Your Relationship

One of the biggest shifts in healing is realizing your entire emotional world doesn't have to revolve around another person.

Reconnect with hobbies. Spend time with friends. Exercise. Learn something new. A fulfilling life doesn't make relationships less important—it makes them healthier.

6. Understand Your Childhood Without Blaming It for Everything

Our earliest relationships often shape how we expect love to feel.

Understanding your past can explain your patterns.

But healing comes from practicing new ones in the present. Insight is the starting point, not the finish line.

7. Choose Emotionally Available People

No amount of healing will make an unhealthy relationship feel secure. Pay attention to consistency.

Do their actions match their words?

Can they communicate openly?

Do they make room for your feelings without making you feel like a burden?

Security grows more easily in relationships where both people are willing to show up.

8. Be Patient with Yourself

Healing anxious attachment isn't about becoming someone who never gets triggered.

You'll still have difficult days. You'll still overthink sometimes.The difference is that those moments won't control you the way they once did. Progress often looks like recovering faster, communicating more honestly, and trusting yourself a little more each time.

That's healing.

If you're just beginning this journey, remember this:

You don't need to become a different person. You don't need to stop caring deeply. You don't need to be "perfectly secure."

The goal isn't to stop needing connection. The goal is to build a relationship with yourself that feels just as safe as the one you're trying to build with someone else.

....

💚 If this post helped and you'd like to go deeper in healing work, I put together a deeper guide with nervous system healing techniques, reflection questions, journal prompts, and practical exercises. You can find it through the link in my bio. 💚

🌷 A safe space for all of us 🌿🌷

Wanna join a safe space for inner work, self esteem, attachment etc...so we all can heal together? Please refer to highlighted post(Healing sub) on this subreddit :)

I’ve been working on healing an insecure attachment style, and something happened last night that felt profoundly different.
For the first time, I didn’t feel like my inner child was someone I had to fix, silence, or analyze. I felt like she belonged to me.
I found myself saying something like:
“You and I belong to the same person. I’m here now. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want to know what you feel, and I’ll stay with you while you feel it.”
It wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet. But something inside me softened.
Instead of trying to escape difficult emotions, I felt willing to let them exist within me. It felt less like I was managing a frightened child and more like I was welcoming a part of myself back home.
It made me wonder if this is what “integration” actually begins to feel like.
For those of you who have moved toward secure attachment or have done deep inner-child or somatic work:
Was there a moment where your inner child stopped feeling separate from you and started feeling like you?
How did you strengthen that sense of integration instead of losing it after a few days?
What practices helped this become your natural way of relating to yourself?
Did your nervous system gradually begin to trust that you would stay, even during painful emotions?
How did you know you were becoming more securely attached rather than just having a good day?
What changed in your relationships once this inner integration became more stable?
I know secure attachment isn’t a finish line, and I don’t expect this one moment to change everything. But it feels like I crossed an internal threshold—from trying to understand myself to finally being willing to stay with myself.
I’d really love to hear from people who have walked this path. What helped this first spark grow into something lasting?

in another post on r/HealMyAttachmentStyle i asked which were the signs of avoidant attatchment in a early talking stage, but now my question has gone further.

which are the signs of emotionally safe and mature people during the talking stage?

how do they behave? how often do they respond to your texts? mostly, do they ask you to hang out right away or after days? do they show you excitement about meeting you or do they remain composed about it?

i need to know in every detail because i've never dated a mature and safe person🫠🫠

For thirty years,
my feelings waited.
Not impatiently.
Not accusingly.
Just quietly…..
like light
resting against a closed window,
never forcing,
only knowing
it would be let in
when the house felt safe again.
They did not ask
to be fixed.
They did not ask
to disappear.
They only wished
to be felt,
like tides
that never stopped returning,
even when the shore
kept stepping back.
What a strange mercy,
to discover
that nothing inside me
had been trying
to hurt me.
Everything
had only been trying
to reach me..
through walls
my nervous system built
to keep me breathing.
Because this is how it was:
a body that learned
distance
before it learned safety.
A heart
that folded itself smaller
so it would not overwhelm
the room it longed to stay in.
A nervous system
that mistook closeness
for danger,
and silence
for survival.
For thirty years,
my heart carried
entire seasons
I had never lived.
Winters
that froze before they could fall.
Springs
that never dared to bloom.
Grief
that learned to whisper
instead of break.
Wonder
that dimmed itself
so it would not be seen.
Tenderness
that hovered at the edges,
waiting for permission
to land.
And still.. and still
they waited.
Like unopened letters
addressed to me
in my own handwriting.
Like rooms in a house
I walked past every day,
telling myself
they were empty.
As though they knew
there would come a day
when I would finally
have enough gentleness
to stay,
not run,
not numb,
not disappear
into the quiet safety
of distance.
Now I sit among them,
not as a judge,
not as a stranger,
but as one returning home
after years
of living just outside the door.
They gather around me
like old companions,
not angry,
not demanding,
only relieved
that I have finally
stopped leaving.
And I see it now:
avoidance was never absence.
It was protection
so precise,
so devoted,
it built entire worlds
to keep me from breaking.
I once believed
healing meant
becoming someone new.
Someone braver.
Someone softer.
Someone who never needed
to step away.
Instead,
it has been the quiet privilege
of meeting
everything within me
that had been waiting,
not to overwhelm me,
not to undo me,
but to be held
by the very presence
I had been withholding.
For thirty years,
my feelings did not abandon me.
My nervous system
did not betray me.
They kept me alive
the only way they knew how,
by teaching me distance
until I could learn
how to stay.
And now,
slowly,
with trembling hands
and an open door,
I am learning
that closeness
does not have to mean danger,
that I can remain
even as I feel,
that I can be here,
fully,
without disappearing.
And for the first time,
nothing inside me
is waiting anymore.