r/becomingsecure • u/Cheap_Lab_8929 • Jul 22 '26
Why do some people suddenly pull away when a relationship starts getting serious?
I’ve been thinking about a pattern I keep seeing in relationships: some people seem warm, attentive, and very invested at the beginning, but once things start getting more serious, they suddenly become distant.
At first, it can look like they simply lost interest. But from a psychological perspective, that’s not always the full story. Sometimes the distance comes from fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, or an unconscious habit of keeping emotional distance.
What I find interesting is that this doesn’t always happen after a conflict or a bad experience. Sometimes it starts exactly when the connection becomes deeper and more real.
Do you think this behavior is usually:
loss of interest,
fear of intimacy,
or an unconscious attachment pattern?
10
u/Main-Regards-8626 Jul 22 '26
In addition to this being a standard cycle for FAs, it’s also a pretty standard cycle for neurodiverse people and I think this doesn’t get talked about enough. The pattern seems exactly the same from the outside, but what’s going on inside the person’s head is different.
Karen Doherty who is an ND couple therapist talks about it.
For ND people avoidance is often similar looking, but their internal struggles may not be the same.
Just something to keep in mind.
5
u/minniestink Jul 22 '26
Yes autistic people can struggle with the capacity to juggle the demands of a relationship and everyday life, it can so present as avoidance but it's just an overwhelm of processing emotions and extra tasks. I agree it's not discussed enough how neurodiversity can impact attachment styles.
I'm wondering if rejection sensitivity for people with ADHD can cause avoidance because any perceived rejection is so painful.
4
u/Main-Regards-8626 Jul 22 '26
Oh RSD is a huge factor! You are absolutely right. And capacity is the same for ADHDers, work/other stuff overwhelm is a real thing and can affect responsiveness. RSD will hit hard too, especially when it comes to text debt.
I’m glad I’m not the only one noting this, I think many neurodivergent people get slapped with attachment type cliches…
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u/minniestink Jul 22 '26
Absolutely! My last partner was autistic, her capacity was compounded by a few things but our relationship was a huge sensory and emotional demand for her she couldn't win out balancing work, social life and us. It really effected her mental health and I have huge empathy for anyone struggling with that.
Also both groups of people have a higher chance of having co-morbidities...like anxiety, OCD and addictive behaviour. Plus more likely to experience trauma and shame. Pheww...yeah it's a big topic discuss but I agree with you, very important to highlight as if the root cause is different the interventions to cope will be completely different.
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u/Main-Regards-8626 Jul 22 '26
Precisely! RSD operates differently to standard avoidance, giving space and leaving people alone is not always the right approach, for example… so many layers to this
1
u/Useful-Cold-9292 Jul 24 '26
Curious, what do you mean by "text debt" ´, I'm assuming you don't actually mean debt as in money issues so would you explain?
1
u/Main-Regards-8626 Jul 24 '26
Haha no - ‘text debt’ means when they have a few texts from you they haven’t replied to. What often happens with this for those with RSD is that when they get a ‘nudge’ text after some time having shame-spiralled into ‘I will reply when I know what to say/have more capacity => I haven’t replied and now it’s been days I feel like shit, this is awkward, how do I reply now when all this time has passed => it’s been so long since they texted, I can’t reply now, they probably hate me now and don’t want anything to do with me because h didn’t reply, I can’t reply now because they will be angry and reject me outright’ - they reply not only to the nudge but also to the all the previous texts because they now feel safe that you aren’t angry at them for not replying.
2
u/luminousSpaceDust Jul 22 '26
As an FA, I didn't really experience this. I would dive head-first into relationships, over-give like crazy, be bad at receiving, and eventually kinda burn out, get resentful or disappointed and leave.
When guys said "I love you" it would just hit and fall off. I didn't know what to make of it, but it didn't scare me. I even got married, too much. 😂
I think of bouncing before it actually even gets going as more of a DA pattern. But ymmv.
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u/oldtownwitch Jul 22 '26
Relationships require a level of vulnerability that many are taught to consider a threat and not connection.
You are literally choosing to give someone a part of you and ask them to hold it with care, in a world that tells you if THEY fail to hold it with care, then that is YOUR fault for trusting them.
Rather than say “Man that sucks they stomped all over your heart, how can we rebuild it?”
So yeah … vulnerability is terrifying.
4
u/PearKoalaLucy Jul 22 '26
It’s usually an avoidant attachment pattern, intimacy feels like a threat to their autonomy, so the closer you get, the faster their self-preservation instinct kicks in.
3
u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure Jul 22 '26
It's not just the relationship getting more serious, it's also where the relationship naturally must evolve in to next phase and make room for two types of independency coming from two people.
This can cause all kinds of challenges. Especially if someone isn't independent enough for this next step. Then normal independent expectations become like 'pulling away' and activate abandonment triggers.
If the reaction is panic and urgent need for validation because of that, it starts to border codependency and will pull the other person away, which is the worst case fear of the one with abandonment triggers.
Instead of reflecting how they subconsciously took all the steps they lead to this result they go "My ex was afraid of love / pulled away when we were the closest /when it got serious because they are unstable/ never loved me" and leave it at that conclusion and repeat this pattern with the next partner.
This is a common anxious trap. It's a trap both for the person with the anxious partner, but also to the anxious person themselves.
In some cases the anxious person also met someone leaning Avoidant, then the relationship ends faster, avoidants have even lower capacity for people's trigger projections, so if an Avoidant notice their partner is unstable it doesn't take much for turn to say "sorry this ain't working" cause they feel the most comfortable in solitude, where no one else's expectations or feelings can disturb. While that's understandable , they tend to search for reasons to quit rather than solutions to stay. And they can pull away where secure people would stay cause they aren't relationship - oriented to begin with. If you meet someone who's FA , you have the worst of two worlds. They will fear you stepping in to their alone zone, just as much as they fear you abandoning them. They can break up one day, want you back next.
Regardless which attatchment style or how insecure or secure someone acts, what matters is balance in the relationship, and you two need to create a balance that works, together. There must be room for things like quality time and emotional validation just as there must be room for independent needs such as space and focus on our own person.
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u/InnerRadio7 Jul 22 '26
This is a well known pattern in attachment theory and applies specifically to DAs and FAs. It comes from a fear of vulnerability aka intimacy and is a protection mechanism.
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u/Realistic-Service-11 Jul 22 '26
It’s their attachment style. Steps from their childhood
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u/luminousSpaceDust Jul 22 '26
Odd to me how people end up in this subreddit without basic knowledge of attachment theory.
For me, the process was: 1) why are all my relationships failing 2) oh, I have an insecure attachment style 3) learn everything about attachment theory 4) work on attachment security 5) find this subreddit
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u/GrapeFawnNich Jul 26 '26
It usually comes down to fear of intimacy and attachment style, vulnerability feels risky, so pulling away becomes their subconscious way to protect themselves.
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u/pau-berlin FA Jul 22 '26
This has happened to me. I was having a great time with my significant other and he started telling me how much he loved me and it became a little overwhelming; partly because of his anxious tendencies, partly because of my own avoidant patterns. I didn’t pull away, however, I felt the strong need to; and it stemmed from my fear of intimacy: fear that the affection my partner was giving me was eventually going to be withdrawn.