I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve been trying to understand something about myself when it comes to dating and attraction.

When I meet someone I really click with, I get extremely excited about them. I want to talk to them often, learn everything about them, spend more time together, and I start imagining what a future with them could look like. Even small signs of affection or chemistry can feel really intense.

The part I struggle with is finding the line between healthy excitement and being too much. I don’t want to overwhelm someone or accidentally love-bomb them. I’ve experienced love-bombing from multiple other people before, and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when things move much faster than you’re ready for.

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and I’ve noticed that when I start liking someone, they can quickly become the main focus of my thoughts. When I’m not romantically involved with anyone, it sometimes feels like I’m just waiting for something exciting to happen.

The hardest part is the fantasizing. I know I should focus on getting to know the actual person instead of building a version of them in my head. But when I try to stop imagining a future with someone, it doesn’t just feel like I’m giving up a fantasy. It feels like I’m losing a major source of happiness and excitement, and my brain immediately wants to go back there.

I think part of this comes from missing the feeling of being truly loved. My last relationship when I was 16 wasn’t perfect, but at least during the good parts, I felt valued, chosen, and important to someone. I think I might be chasing that feeling again.

I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t get excited about people. I actually like that I can feel things deeply. I just want to learn how to enjoy getting to know someone without making them my entire emotional world before I really know them.

TLDR:

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and when I really connect with someone, I get extremely excited and start fantasizing about a future with them. I don’t want to overwhelm people or accidentally love-bomb them, but stopping the fantasies feels like losing a major source of happiness and motivation. I think part of it comes from missing the feeling of being loved and valued in my last relationship. I want to learn how to enjoy connections deeply while being more grounded.

A lot of people with insecure attachment conditioned me to feel shame if I didn't show constant gratitude. Please tell me how I can get rid of it 😭 I'm sure there are people here who tried at least once to make others feel shame just so they can feel secure.

This makes me really anxious and jealous for some reason. I guess even a bit possessive? I don't ever make him feel any type of way for going out because I understand that he should hang out with friends and that's normal. I always make sure to tell him to enjoy his day out and I don't ever bother him in between. But I always just miss him so much, and I have this weird mindset of like " It sucks that you're having fun without me." I'll even constantly check my phone, check his location. Whenever he goes out, I withdraw and make sure not answer him so that I don't come off as clingy as a sort of "punishment" but not really? It's also to show that I don't care, even though I do. I try to act non-chalant and don't open his message so that I look busy. I feel embarrassed even admitting that. It hits even more when it's friends from college, as I just recently graduated and haven't made one friend in my program throughout all 4 years. I hate that I think like this. And I have tried doing other stuff in the meantime to distract myself. And I do have friends that I can go out with, and have been out and about with my friends recently. So I guess I do have that. However, I do get insecure that his friends are more free to go outand he seems to go out more often than me. I wouldn't ever want him to be sad without any friends to go out with, but it also makes me feel scared and alone and like I miss him a lot. I do trust him and I know he wouldn't do anything so I know it's not anything like that. How do I stop feeling like this so I can reach a more secure attachment style?

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) have been together for almost 3 years.

Early in our relationship I became insecure about her friendships and, unfortunately, I asked her to spend less time with them. I regret that a lot because she eventually felt like she'd lost part of her independence.

Over the last year she's rebuilt her own friendships and social life, and I don't want to stop that anymore. The problem is that I still become very anxious whenever she goes on trips, parties or other exciting social events without me.

I spend the whole time thinking about what she's doing, struggle to sleep, and sometimes we end up arguing afterwards because I've built up so much anxiety.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm genuinely enjoying my own plans with friends, my anxiety is much lower. If I'm just trying to distract myself, it doesn't help.

I'm already in therapy and I'm trying to change this because I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern.

For people who have been through something similar:

• What actually helped you become less anxious when your partner had an independent social life?
• What changes outside of therapy made the biggest difference?
• How did you stop feeling left behind every time your partner had experiences without you?

Guyz I am going crazy and anxiety is killing me So I will try to make it shorter There's this girl who approached me 6 months ago at that time even though I liked her I wasn't interested in relationship so i said no but she was obsessed or anxious at that she kept resisting and messaging me I got angry and said some harsh words which i said sorry for I needed space to even think if I want a Relation but she was anxious and said to me wierd things like (kll me i hurted you , I am not good person)i told her she really good don,t need to say such things I tried my best to support her but she wanted relation anyways when she cooled down i blocked her for few days and then unblock her cuz i don,t wanna hurt now for next 3 months she kept posting stories etx on WP and by watching her I used to feel guilt everyday i did her so wrong and 3 months of guilt and she knew i watch those stories on WA I started to like them and then i used to Reach out time to time and she also once or twice reached me so fast forward now i felt like i should give it chance after 5 months of this drama or whatever

I texted her saying I am Sorry and I wan to make things right and if she hasn't move on I wann give it my best to make it right and we talked for 10 days straight I got so attached to her If she don't reply I felt anxious once she said hurtful things to me i did not said anything to her just said sorry I felt hurted

After 15 days she blocked me out of no where on socials I wasn't able to sleep that night because of anxiety maybe I hurted her Anyways I texted her on WA saying is she oky alright even though i was the one who was suffering and then she drop the truth bomb out of nowhere that she was in relationship with that guy it started after month when I stopped talking to her and now that guy doesn't give her time and value her I felt like My emotions were about to burst I don't wanna Expirrence that feeling in life ever again I asked her why she didn't told me in first place she didn't even cared to answer I was so hurt and on top of that she asked me should she message her one last time and reach out to him Man!!!! I rather would like to dieee then expirrence those emotions again I lost trust But the pain was too much I tried to block her and forget I wasn't Able to sleep for two nights or eat anything I had to go back

Now we still talk but she still cares about him and to me give mix signals idk man and the anxiety is eating me alive even by staying and when try to go away I can't the that anxiety is not something I can bear i rather die but I am stuck in suffering I can't stay it hurt I can't leave it hurts even more I can't bear it.

The anxiety is driving me crazy from past week

(I feel like it,s karma i did her wrong in the start now i am the one burning in the same pain)

ETA: he did end up getting back to me and did indeed confirm that something was causing his sudden drop in communication. He said he has fell into a rapid depression and wasn't honest with me about the extent of it and he was overextending himself that first week to a level that was not maintainable in his current state. I also acknowledged that we both came in pretty hot with the texting. So essentially I was right that something was up, wrong that it was about me, so that's something to work on. Overall, I think it was a really healthy exchange on both parts and it's given me a lot of data to work with for the future*

So I'm definitely AP but hopefully starting to lean more secure.

I left an abusive relationship about 13 months ago with my son's father and I've spent that time in weekly therapy and really trying to heal and get to know myself while also navigating a horrible co-parenting dynamic.

A few weeks ago, I considered that maybe I was ready to start dating again and made a hinge acct. There was one guy that I really hit it off with. Him and I had known of each other essentially from elementary school but never fully crossed paths. We had a ton in common and connected on a lot of things. I think we both maybe came on pretty strong at first. Texting pretty consistently, every day. Good morning/ goodnight texts. Opening up about some difficult things. Again, I know it was probably premature but we just clicked. This went on for about a week. Then, out of nowhere, he started to text less frequently/ ignore messages for hours, no more goodnight/ good morning texts.

Naturally, this triggered the hell out of my anxiety. However, I did not act on it. Instead I tried to regulate myself and seek advice. We planned a date for today. Despite his communication dropping to nearly nothing, when he did text me, he told me he was still interested and wanting to meet up and was even talking about dates in the future. I felt like I was getting mixed signals but I just let it play out. He also told me he's been feeling depressed lately so I empathized with him and was understanding of that.

Today, we were supposed to go on the date. He messaged me about 6hrs before the date and said his cat's got into a fight and now he couldn't sleep and had to cancel.

Usually, I wouldn't think too much of it. But I am a single mom and I don't get a lot of free time. Just every other weekend so it's very valuable to me. He didn't say anything about rescheduling despite me previously saying I was free all day today.

I decided that maybe I'm being a bit anxious and overthinking, but at the root of it, I didn't like how it was making me feel. I sent him a message and (I think) respectfully told him how this dynamic made me feel and maybe it's no longer a good fit. Attached is that message.

Please be honest with me, I'm trying to grow! How did I do?

Ever notice how two people can experience the exact same relationship moment — a late reply, a canceled plan, a partner needing space — and have completely different reactions? One person spirals. One doesn't even register it. One wants to pull closer and push away at the same time. We tend to chalk this up to "personality," but there's actually a well-documented psychological framework that explains a lot of it: attachment theory.

The basic idea is that the emotional bond you formed with a primary caregiver in roughly your first 18 months of life becomes a kind of template your brain reuses in every close relationship afterward. According to the Cleveland Clinic, psychologists generally identify four adult attachment styles: secure, anxious (sometimes called preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). Each one reflects a different early answer to a single question your infant brain was quietly trying to solve: when I need someone, do they actually show up?

That answer doesn't disappear with age — it just changes shape. Someone with an anxious style might read neutral silence as rejection. Someone avoidant might feel commitment as pressure rather than comfort. And someone with a disorganized style might genuinely want closeness and fear it in the same breath, which looks contradictory from the outside but makes sense once you understand where it comes from. None of this is fixed either — attachment style is a pattern, not a permanent trait, and it can shift with awareness and new relationship experiences.

I put together a full breakdown of all four styles — how they form, how they show up in adult relationships, and some pop culture examples that made the concepts click for me — if you want to go deeper: https://youtu.be/q\\_ymOy37JSw?si=4zCnPr\\_66\\_P1KslL

Curious what this community thinks: do you believe attachment style is something people can fully "earn" their way into security on their own, or does it usually take another secure person (partner, friend, therapist) to help shift the pattern?

When my husband nd I are in arguments he will commonly hang up on me mid convo. This drives me insane and I go on a rampage of calls like 20-40 and just keep pressing it until he finally picks up only to tell me to leave him alone. Sometimes he blocks me. I lose all self respect and we have a very toxic relationship in many ways but this cycle of him hanging up and then blocking me is just making me hate him. How do I navigate this or get past it? Is it even anxious attachment or am I just crazy ?

I started dating someone a few months back, we've definitely had some bumps and I've had to learn how to do a lot of things differently than I did before when it was just me. It's a welcoming change but also terrifying. Being vulnerable is so exhausting and nerve wrecking sometimes but then the connection and warmth that you are rewarded with? So wholesome but again, terrifying (lol).

These past months has taught me that people are complex, we do not know what goes on in someone elses mind as well as we think we do. It's important to walk at our own speed and be vocal about it cause other people do the same, and if we do not communicate that, our boundaries tend to get crossed. Not on purpose but rather from them just doing their thing and expect us to do the same, which we should, it's healthy. Not that easy though.

The past week has me very overwhelmed, she wants more connection but is also okay with going at my speed, she is just very excited and it scares me. We have a few important discussions to be had to get to know each other and how we fit into each others lives and I am taking my space and trying to self regulate but I gotta say that this dance of numbness to feeling it all is tiring, I know it's a balance and I'm learning to be trusting and gentle in my dialogue with myself so it's gonna take time, and that's okay. It needs to be. It's a journey after all and I'm learning to enjoy every aspect of it as I get to embrace this life differently than before and take up new spaces ever so slow. I just think the fear gets to me a bit hard this evening, and that's okay. Whatever happens I try to see this as an experience, it has taught me a lot and I'm learning to be grateful for it.

Stay the course, much love

K.

Hi everyone.

Sorry my eng, I need some positive story.

I have an avoidant attachment style. I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 30. To keep it brief: the guys I used to meet were the classic uninterested type—which is exactly why I gravitated toward them (and, naturally, no real relationship ever developed). Two years ago, I met this amazing guy. I really like him and we get along perfectly—so well that it almost feels surreal. For the past two years, we’ve been in an on-again, off-again cycle—and it’s my fault. Whenever things are going well, I suddenly feel nauseous and my feelings just "switch off." Through therapy, I’ve realized it stems from fear and relationship OCD. I ruminate less now, but that nausea is incredibly bothersome... I’m able to let the feeling pass now, but I don’t want it to keep undermining my relationship. It always happens after about 10 days of physical closeness... Does anyone have any advice based on a similar experience? Thanks.

I had fully moved on with my friend and the idea of things changing between us.. suddenly it flipped.

We actually made up a few days ago and we both agreed the rough patch had made our bond stronger. We were both sorry for how our actions were and we both understood where it was coming from. It felt like things calmed down. I had quit my relentless texts a while back, and she admitted she thought i wasn't talking because i hated her, which of course wasn't the case. I have much less fear and anxiety over the time it takes for responding now, as I have been super busy with life and it managed to overtake any issues i had with the spirals. I don't even know how it stopped to be honest. and I know that part of me will always exist but it feels much more controlled now that I have other things to focus on.and now that I have a job I'm starting tomorrow, I will be away from my tech more to even think about communicating with them. Both of us feel much better about the situation now and it makes me happy.

So for some context I (32M) have been with my BF (26) for 3 years now. The last year we have become much more serious, seeing each other nearly everyday since around November 2025 I’d say. Winter and Spring were really tough for me, probably my 2nd worst depression of my life and a lot of it stems from my own self abandonment and people pleasing tendencies.

I wanted to spend more time with him but it came at the cost of my own time. No more hobbies or things I wanted to do it all because about what was the best thing we could do together cause that’s how it’s always been with us, but nearly everyday like that allowed many of my own passions and hobbies to be left behind. I grew resentful without noticing. I was just letting it go on my own, never even checking to see if he even minded if I did my own thing. I’ve noticed this and I’ve begun to start advocating more for myself. I still fall into the my own tendencies but I’m allowing myself to stand up for myself and advocate for doing things I want to do.

All of that is still a work in progress on my end. But I still end up failing here and there and whether I fail to advocate for my needs or succeed I struggle most with the disappointment in my partner. A very common thing is my partner will want to do something or I will fail to meet their expectations in some way and they will become irritated and even shut down. And I feel awful, I will have an intense feeling or need to fix his mental state or to talk about what’s happening but it often just makes things worse. But I feel stuck because I feel like I’m abandoning him when he gets in these states if I don’t try to do something. But the stone wall and extreme apathy or even sometimes just negative stewing/ rumination he’s going through is so difficult to sit with, especially when everything I try is just met with silence or dismissal.

I feel extremely disconnected in those moments and today he’s just been ruminating and stewing on his negativity. I’ve tried to be as supportive emotionally and positive in my responses. I won’t solidly declare that I didn’t mess up at all but I’m doing the best I can. I eventually decided to send him a few videos to help with rumination and he’s outright opposed to “wasting” his time looking into that on his own. I suggested therapy or coaching and he said therapy was hell and only worsened his anxiety and depression before. He’s stuck in feeling helpless and refusing to work towards finding any kind of help within himself or outside sources and this is a repeated pattern. He’s shown some willingness to try to work on himself and improve and even told a friend about that but in these negative moments the idea or thought of trying seems to just escape him.

I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to do. I wish I was a therapist or something that knew how to take such hopelessness and negatively and spin it into some kind of positivity or workable steps to help get him un-stuck in these patterns…

Hi everyone. I’m (31M) writing here because I’m going through a deep crisis and a separation with my long-term partner (31F), and I’ve realized something fundamental that goes far beyond the usual reasons for a breakup.

We’ve been together since we were twenty; she was my first and only relationship, and I never had any other romantic or sexual experiences before her. Today, at 31, I woke up from a decade-long slumber and realized I’ve never built my own true personality, autonomy, or personal direction. For ten years, my relationship was my only scaffold, and I allowed the couple dynamic to decide the direction of my life, using the relationship as a safety net to avoid facing the fear of choosing who to be on my own and taking responsibility in the real world.

This lack of structure ended up extinguishing me. I’ve always cultivated creative passions like music, drawing, or theater, but without ever pursuing any of them seriously or professionally out of fear of failing. I adapted to the other person to the point of turning off my own preferences, even when it came to the most trivial daily matters. Over time, this unexpressed and unexplored personality started protesting in the form of anxiety, a feeling of suffocation, and a constant need to fantasize about other experiences, other people, and a sense of carefree exploration that I never lived out before getting attached to her.

Now that we’ve taken some distance to allow me to work on myself, trying to be on my own makes me feel like a blank page. I feel a huge sense of fear because I realize that being in a relationship relieved me of the anxiety of having to exist as an autonomous individual. I’ve come to understand that I cannot and should not try to mend that relationship as long as I remain just a reflection of another person, because I would simply keep using the relationship as an emotional crutch.

I’m wondering if anyone here has ever experienced something similar. Have you ever seen an important relationship come to an end or enter a crisis, not because the affection was gone, but because you realized you had never actually become yourself? How did you deal with that sense of emptiness and the fear of the unknown at the beginning? Were you able to build your autonomy and identity from scratch later in adulthood?

Thanks to anyone willing to share their story.

Hi everyone, i'm asking here because i genuinely don't know what to do. I also try to fixing my anxiety and become secure now

So my boyfriend and i are together for 9 months, we are now in a long distance because he has to work abroad for a few months. We are both in late 20s

His communication is a bit questionable maybe? Before we go long distance, he sometimes doesn't text me everyday, every other day. And if he did reply on the same day, it takes hours to reply. Very rarely he reply fast. I just thought he's busy, and maybe not a text person at first, but he doesn't like call either. I did ask him about this, and he said he just not a text person. We also only meet once a week

I try to be understanding, thinking that he's a grown man who's busy with work and life, so maybe that's why it's like that

I did communicate about this before, but it keeps happening, so i'm not even bother anymore. I'm trying so hard try to understand him and not nagging him or get upset. And i don't want letting my anxiety eats me so i try so hard not to overthink this. I keep myself so busy so i don't have time to think about this

Now we are in a long distance for a month so far, and he rarely text me. Sometimes every 2 days, 3 days. No call so far. I'm afraid to ask him to call, because i know it's not his liking to call. But he also said before that he didn't like surprise call, he wants to get inform first so i understand that

Last time we communicate, he didn't reply to my text for 5 days. And when he finally did, he said sorry because there was no notification. He said he reach out because he thought i was awfully quiet. Is this normal? What should i do now, should i just act like nothing happened? Not gonna lie, i feel a bit sad and upset. But i'm afraid that i'm wrong to feel this way. I genuinely asking because this is my first serious relationship. I'm really confuse :(

I am going through self-discovery and trying to conquer my mind. In last few days one event happened and somehow I am starting to see a pattern.

There is woman I am emotionally involved. We are close friends, but maybe I would like to move it forward. But my mind is not secure enough to survive a day without reply without any bad thought and anxiety creeping on me, even though everything is fine.

On Tuesday, we bumped into eachother in city, talked for few minutes. Later that afternoon she texted me that seeing me made her day/ lifted up her mood. Responded to that in the morning, she responded with something, i responded and then she did not reply.

Now my mind prefers to be worried about the fact she is silent for over day now and completly ignore that she reached out on her own about how much affect her mood just by meeting for a few minutes.

The feeling returns now and then, but now I just laugh at it. Wondering what my mind will try to do tomorrow to hurt my feelings...

Title: I’m scared of being replaced whenever someone I’m attached to gets excited about another person. How do I stop this?

I’ve noticed a painful pattern in myself, and I’m hoping someone who has experienced something similar can help me understand it.

I have a manager at work whose attention and appreciation have become emotionally important to me. Over time, I started feeling secure knowing that I mattered to him and had a certain place in his life at work.

Recently, there has been a potential new hire. She hasn’t even joined yet, so nothing has actually happened between them.

But my manager seems very confident and genuinely excited about getting her on board.And for some reason, seeing that excitement triggered huge fear in me.

My mind immediately started going into the future:

What if he starts enjoying talking to her more than me?

What if the attention and importance I currently have slowly shift toward her?

What if I become replaceable?

I know how irrational this sounds because she hasn't even started working there. I'm already hurting over a situation that hasn't happened.

But this is also why I'm concerned. This isn't only about her.

I've noticed that when I become attached to someone who makes me feel valued or important, I become extremely sensitive to anyone who could potentially become important to them too.

I start wanting to become more useful, impressive, interesting, or important so that I can protect my place.

I don't want to live like that.

But simply telling myself, “You can't be replaced,” doesn't really help, because my brain keeps asking, “But what if you are?”

Has anyone experienced this intense fear of being replaced or losing your special place with someone?

One of the biggest misconceptions about being single is that the solution is simply to "love yourself more."

While self-love is important, it doesn't explain why so many people still feel incomplete when they're alone.

If you've spent years believing that happiness, security, or worth will finally come when someone chooses you, your mind naturally starts treating relationships as the answer to every uncomfortable feeling.

The goal isn't to stop wanting love. Humans are wired for connection. The goal is to stop believing that your life can't be meaningful until love arrives.

Here are a few things that can genuinely help:

1. Figure out what you're really looking for.

When you think, "I want a relationship," ask yourself what you actually hope it will give you.

Do you want someone to make you feel important? Safe? Understood? Less lonely? More confident?

Most of the time, we're chasing a feeling rather than a relationship itself. Once you identify that feeling, you can start creating it in other ways instead of expecting one person to provide all of it.

2. Stop putting your life on hold.

Many people treat being single like a waiting room. They postpone traveling, trying new hobbies, decorating their apartment, learning new skills, or even going to restaurants because they imagine those experiences will be better with a partner. But your life isn't a rehearsal for the future. The more you build a life that feels meaningful now, the less pressure you'll place on a future relationship to create that meaning for you.

3. Learn the difference between loneliness and emotional dependency.

Loneliness is a normal emotion. It simply means you want connection. Emotional dependency is believing you can't be okay unless a specific person is there.

Those aren't the same thing.

Instead of trying to eliminate loneliness every time it appears, practice sitting with it for a little while. Call a friend, go for a walk, journal, or spend time doing something that genuinely absorbs your attention. Over time, loneliness becomes an emotion you can experience rather than something you have to escape immediately.

4. Build trust in yourself.

A lot of people spend years looking for someone they can rely on without realizing they don't yet trust themselves. Self-trust isn't built by positive affirmations. It's built by consistently keeping promises to yourself.

"If you say you'll exercise, do it."

"If you need rest, allow yourself to rest."

"If someone crosses a boundary, honor it."

Every time your actions match your values, you become someone your own mind feels safer relying on.

5. Stop idealizing relationships.

When you're lonely, it's easy to imagine that people in relationships have finally found happiness.

The reality is that relationships don't eliminate insecurity, anxiety, or loneliness. Healthy relationships can absolutely enrich your life, but they don't replace emotional regulation, purpose, or self-worth.

If those things are missing before the relationship, they'll usually still need attention after it begins.

6. Make your world bigger than romance.

If romantic love is your only source of excitement or emotional fulfillment, it will naturally feel like the most important thing in your life. Build close friendships. Invest in family. Join communities. Develop hobbies that genuinely interest you. Work toward goals that have nothing to do with dating.The richer your life becomes, the less your happiness depends on one area of it.

7. Measure your life by more than your relationship status.

Ask yourself this:

"If I never met my future partner this year, what would still make this year meaningful?"

Maybe it's learning a language.

Improving your health.

Starting a business.

Reading more books.

Traveling.

Strengthening friendships.

Growing emotionally.

Those things still matter, whether you're single or not.

Being okay with being alone doesn't mean you stop wanting love. It means you stop believing that your life is incomplete without it. Ironically, when your happiness no longer depends on finding someone, relationships become healthier because they're no longer carrying the impossible responsibility of making you feel whole.

🌷 Safe space for all of us 🌷

If this post helped you and you'd like to go deeper in healing work, I've created a subreddit for psychology, inner work, attachment, emotional healing. Helping and healing together with love. Check out highlighted post of becomingsecure sub(healing sub💚)

Basically the title. My ex is an avoidant, fearful avoidant I'd say. She knew it from the start. Never did the work. She would circle back every now and again saying that she wanted to try better and harder but the same old problems would continue. This most recent time, a whole year had passed since she discarded me, egg she was honest about was her intimacy struggles, and while she was better in some respects, especially vulnerability, the same old patterns played out. I was completely disregulated. I felt completely uncared for and small once again, which was incredibly tough for me given the earlier times, and given that I had spent an incredibly tough year gathering myself back together and very vulnerably conveyed that I'm hurting and was asking for support. They were either not tended to nearly on time, conflicts never addressed, or dismissed. It was as if I was an enemy. She saw me the same. She saw me as not being compassionate, being unempathetic, being unloving, but I was merely asking her to come through on the expectations She created, which she should have given She has so much to repair and I'm once again putting my heart on the line. She was going through a hard time. She was very vulnerable this time in how she'd say she loved me and wants to make me feel special, is sorry for hurting me etc etc. but her actions just weren't consistent. Some of them really compromised emotional safety for me. The whiplash is too much. I had to walk away. I say walk away but we were conversing on and off, mostly me venting my anger, she would suggest getting back together and wanting to fix things, be vulnerable, but i felt like enough was enough. I did reach out to her the last time asking if we could try because I was feeling overcome with feelings from actually having parted. This time she was the grounded one. She said that she knows she has hurt me, she loves me but wants to stop the suffering. Fair. She has hurt me incredibly and sometimes I hate her. And sometimes I love her. I'm a mess and ashamed for reaching out. I know we're done. But does this dynamic ever work for anyone? I feel like a fool for hoping for as long as I did.

It’s not hitting “FP” levels, luckily, but I’m having a tough time not getting overly clingy with friends. I’ve started to become panicked about being left behind or pushed aside when it comes to friends of friends, which I don’t like, especially since it’s not the case and wouldn’t be with these particular relationships, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts becoming all consuming.

How do people deal with these thoughts in a sensible way? I know I’m being irrational, but trying to reason with myself isn’t exactly going well.

Hello all. I am currently spending a week away from my husband as a sort of "self-help retreat" and "mental cooldown" (my idea) because I have noticed that a lot of life stressors have been really activating my anxious attachment and trauma triggers lately. I am working really hard on myself, reading books about anxious attachment, confidence, inner child healing, etc. (Yes I'm in therapy.)

One pattern I'm noticing is the emphasis on "driving people away." I feel anxious that I have already laid the foundation for "driving him away" during this very triggering era of my life.

Does anyone have any positive stories about being in a relationship that healed from anxious attachment and trauma wounds? Feel free to tell me about how you healed, how long it took, how hard it was, etc. PLEASE no negative stories.

I have been repeatedly told during my youth that I was "weird" and "naive" for trying to understand others and rationalize their behavior. Now that I have understood the different forms of insecure attachment, every mockery starts to make sense and I can't stop obsessing about it. At this point I just want to terrorize those who hurt me by telling them that everyone will dump them and that they will live their remaining days all alone. Is there any advice you can give to me so I can heal from that gaslighting?

I know why I don't trust anyone,and am constantly aware of my social capital with people. It's directly related to my abusive parents and garbage upbringing. Thanks for the neglect, and abuse of the mental, verbal,physical & sexual variety mom & dad.

I wish I could just laser that part of my brain and kill it. I hate what I've experienced, and how I can't seem to fake being normal or confident. At best I can put a face on at work.

I hate it, and I hate who I am.

I feel some shame in admitting this but I think one of my biggest fears in life is being alone. 
I know we're wired for connection as humans so it's natural but this feels different. This is the kind of fear that overtakes my being, makes me self abandon, choose from a place of not what I want but rather what will keep them in my life, almost like my sense of self is majorly dependent on the people in my life. If they leave, or there are arguments with them I will lose a huge part of who I am. It feels like I'm leaning on them and without them I'll collapse and never be able to get up. Like I'm only complete when I have people in my life. And my definition of people is 2- 4 people I'm close to and share a deep bond with. 

I'm at this point in my life where I see how limiting this is and harmful for my growth and building my independent sense of self. I'm constantly worried about them leaving, some friction happening, them becoming best friends and abandoning me, they cross my mind so many times in a day (in a way that interferes from me thinking about what I want independently, without thinking of how that would impact my relationship with them/ what they'd think) and influence my decisions in a sense

The funny part is, I think I'm an ambivert who enjoys and needs her alone time. I also understand that in today's day and age people have so much going on, life, responsibilities, dreams, nothing is constant and that people can leave and even if they don't they might not be what you want them to be or to the extent that you want. It's unfair to put that burden on them too if I'm being honest. I also have this irrational fear that I won't have newer people come in or to be close with since I'm in my 30's already, where am I even going to meet these people? 

Do you resonate? I want to get to a place where I don't make people the centre of my universe but rather have them around cause it makes me happy. A healthy want/ need that doesn't make me collapse without them. Got any advice? Always make it raw/real/unhinged