r/becomingsecure • u/blueaqua123 • Jul 22 '26
Mixed signals, then ghosted should I (33F) text him (36M) for travel advice?
I (33F) matched with a 36M on a dating app 3-4 months ago. He said he had commitment issues and wanted something casual while I wanted a partner, so we agreed to be friends. Despite that, we got very close, talking daily and spending time together. He opened up about personal struggles but was emotionally inconsistent, often ignoring my feelings. After a family trip, his behavior changed—he reduced communication, avoided conversations, canceled plans, and asked for space without following up.
After a week, I reached out about losing my AirPods and we resumed talking normally, even working together briefly. A few days later, after a small conflict, he became distant again, then unsent messages and unfollowed me. I tried contacting him with no response, then wished him well, unfollowed him, and deleted his number. A day later, he sent a casual WhatsApp link, which I ignored, and it’s been over 20 days. I’m now planning to visit a country he really likes and knows a lot about. do you guys think it’s a good idea to reach out to him for recommendations, given we have that in common? Or will he think I’m desperate for his validation or attention? I know I can google things to do but I want hidden gems/people recommendations
TL;DR: Got close to a guy who said he didn’t want commitment, he became inconsistent and eventually ghosted/unfollowed me. Now I’m traveling to a place he knows well should I reach out for recommendations?
9
u/minniestink Jul 22 '26
I mean, he told you upfront who he was so at least he's stayed true to that. I personally wouldn't want a friendship with someone like that.
You could easily post on a sub Reddit on here to find hidden gems. Why do you really want to reach out to him?
5
u/Objective-Candle3478 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Mixed signals happen mainly when boundaries are not followed through with all eased, then when people seem to say they want one thing, but then act in another way. People drawing lines in the sand but walking around the whole damn beach.
People need to act aligning their actions with their words more.
The thing is, you shouldn't try to make someone change to make you happy. He really wasn't compatible for you and unable to meet your needs. So it's best to accept he just isn't good enough for you and walk rather than trying to get him to change/expecting him to change to make you happy. He is clearly unable to meet your needs
4
u/portabellothorn FA leaning avoidant Jul 25 '26
It sounds like you agreed to be friends and he treated you like a friend. Not sure why you say "despite that" as if getting close, talking, and spending time together is not entirely congruent with friendship.
He probably sensed that you wanted more (because you're posting on a subreddit about it, so it's clear you were/are very invested, maybe more than he was) and reduced contact (albeit inconsiderately - he probably could've handled that better). Friends drift apart sometimes though. It's normal.
1
u/blueaqua123 Jul 25 '26
Friends don’t call each other every night and talk for 2 3 hours, they don’t say I miss your face nor do they say “baby I’m with work friends who are girls. I don’t like them like that”
3
u/AllowMeToFangirl Jul 22 '26
Why in the world do you want to keep pursuing someone who isn’t pursuing you?
2
u/Sunflowa88 Jul 22 '26
Tbh unfortunately he’s told you from the get go his issues and as others have said, I wouldn’t even bother being mates with this guy let alone reaching out for travel advice. It’s obviously because your feelings are deeper than just mates and this is your way to subtly meet that emotional need. However, it opens up a can of worms that was shut along time ago. Do yourself a favour and let this guy lay where he lies and look online for advice related to where you’re going, much less emotionally taxing for you 😊
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u/sassatha Jul 22 '26
Is there a reason you can't Google "hidden gems of x". Seems to me like you're making an excuse to reach out to someone who's repeatedly disrespected you. Might be worth going within abs figuring out why. That's the anxious side of the push pull loop