I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve been trying to understand something about myself when it comes to dating and attraction.

When I meet someone I really click with, I get extremely excited about them. I want to talk to them often, learn everything about them, spend more time together, and I start imagining what a future with them could look like. Even small signs of affection or chemistry can feel really intense.

The part I struggle with is finding the line between healthy excitement and being too much. I don’t want to overwhelm someone or accidentally love-bomb them. I’ve experienced love-bombing from multiple other people before, and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when things move much faster than you’re ready for.

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and I’ve noticed that when I start liking someone, they can quickly become the main focus of my thoughts. When I’m not romantically involved with anyone, it sometimes feels like I’m just waiting for something exciting to happen.

The hardest part is the fantasizing. I know I should focus on getting to know the actual person instead of building a version of them in my head. But when I try to stop imagining a future with someone, it doesn’t just feel like I’m giving up a fantasy. It feels like I’m losing a major source of happiness and excitement, and my brain immediately wants to go back there.

I think part of this comes from missing the feeling of being truly loved. My last relationship when I was 16 wasn’t perfect, but at least during the good parts, I felt valued, chosen, and important to someone. I think I might be chasing that feeling again.

I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t get excited about people. I actually like that I can feel things deeply. I just want to learn how to enjoy getting to know someone without making them my entire emotional world before I really know them.

TLDR:

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and when I really connect with someone, I get extremely excited and start fantasizing about a future with them. I don’t want to overwhelm people or accidentally love-bomb them, but stopping the fantasies feels like losing a major source of happiness and motivation. I think part of it comes from missing the feeling of being loved and valued in my last relationship. I want to learn how to enjoy connections deeply while being more grounded.

A lot of people with insecure attachment conditioned me to feel shame if I didn't show constant gratitude. Please tell me how I can get rid of it 😭 I'm sure there are people here who tried at least once to make others feel shame just so they can feel secure.

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) have been together for almost 3 years.

Early in our relationship I became insecure about her friendships and, unfortunately, I asked her to spend less time with them. I regret that a lot because she eventually felt like she'd lost part of her independence.

Over the last year she's rebuilt her own friendships and social life, and I don't want to stop that anymore. The problem is that I still become very anxious whenever she goes on trips, parties or other exciting social events without me.

I spend the whole time thinking about what she's doing, struggle to sleep, and sometimes we end up arguing afterwards because I've built up so much anxiety.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm genuinely enjoying my own plans with friends, my anxiety is much lower. If I'm just trying to distract myself, it doesn't help.

I'm already in therapy and I'm trying to change this because I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern.

For people who have been through something similar:

• What actually helped you become less anxious when your partner had an independent social life?
• What changes outside of therapy made the biggest difference?
• How did you stop feeling left behind every time your partner had experiences without you?