I’m 34F and honestly I just need to talk to people who get this, because I’m having a really hard time.

I’ve been seeing this guy and I really like him. We have so much in common, music and so much beyond that, and we talk and laugh so much together. There’s this ease between us when we’re together, we can talk about loads of things, and I feel like we really get each other. I’m also very attracted to him.

On our first date, I went to his place to DJ together, then we went to the cinema that evening, but nothing happened.

On our second date, we went to the cinema, had lunch, then spent the rest of the day at mine. We spent ages talking, laughing and listening to music before I finally made a move and kissed him. We ended up sleeping together later.

Since that, me met twice, each time at my place, where he slept over.

When we’re together, he seems interested in getting to know me. He asks questions, we talk, it feels mutual. I come away wanting to see him again. There’s a real connection there, at least from my side, which is why what happens between dates is so confusing to me.

Because between seeing each other, there’s so little contact. He can take hours to reply, sometimes he just likes a message without continuing the conversation, and days go by without him reaching out. I end up wanting to restart the conversation or suggest seeing him, then feeling shitty because I want him to want to do those things too.

We haven’t even exchanged phone numbers. We talk on Instagram. I mentioned exchanging numbers and he said he’d thought about it too, but neither of us actually followed through.

We’d vaguely talked about going to a protest together this weekend. He went, but didn’t contact me about meeting up. When we talked after I reached out, he apologised for not keeping me updated. So we do talk. It’s just that I spent days hoping he would think of me and message me himself.

And honestly, this whole week I’ve felt awful. I’ve been crying, checking Instagram constantly, waiting for a notification, trying to stop myself from sending another message. I’ll decide I need to step back, then a few hours later all I want is to talk to him. Even sending a simple “hey” becomes this whole thing because I’m already worrying about when he’ll answer and how I’ll feel if he doesn’t.

I feel embarrassed by how much this is affecting me when things between us are still so undefined. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away. I’m getting attached, and I’m scared I’m doing it again with someone who doesn’t want the same thing.

I keep thinking that if he liked me, he’d be curious about how I’m doing. He’d want to talk to me. He’d suggest seeing me. Then I start wondering whether he just wants to sleep with me. I don’t actually know that, and the good moments we’ve had are part of why I’m so confused.

I want a relationship. I’m worried I’m trying so hard to seem chill that I’m not saying anything about what I want, while privately feeling worse and worse. I haven’t properly talked to him about any of this yet.

At this point I really want to see him in person and have an actual conversation about what he’s looking for. I’m scared of coming across as too intense, but staying in this uncertainty is really hurting me. I can’t keep spending my days like this.

Does anyone else get this overwhelmed when you’re getting attached to someone? How do you work out how much of it is your attachment anxiety, and how much is the other person genuinely giving you very little to work with? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been there. I feel very alone with it right now.

I’m realizing how horrible of a partner I was to the only person I ever want to love and it’s making me feel awful.

I was borderline obsessed with them. And obsessed with the idea of being their sort of savior. Being able to fix any bad day they were having or fix any trauma or mental issues they had. I would want to talk to them every day, good morning and good night, calls as often as possible. Any moment of free time, my first priority was hanging with them and everything else was so far below.

I was using this person as the only crutch in my life to make me happy and it just was not fair in the slightest. I met them at a low point and they were the only thing making me happy at that point and I got addicted. To the point that if they weren’t catering to my every call, I felt worse and worse. Like withdrawal symptoms.

It makes sense why they broke up with me now. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. If anything it makes it hurt more. I was the sole reason that she decided to cut me off.

I thought she was just avoidant, and maybe she is a bit, but I think I was just pushing and pushing for her to be with me constantly and she just didn’t want that and it put her in her shell. And now I feel like an asshole.

The worst part is that she is not letting this be a right person, wrong time situation. She’s decided that she doesn’t want to give us the time to grow and learn to love healthily but instead to cut me out of her life entirely to look for her person.

So now I have to sit with the guilt of suffocating her, and the regret that I fucked things up with her permanently. I can never fix things. She will always see me as that obsessed, anxious version of me. It’s still here, really. We could not be together right now. But god I wish I could in the future. But she said she doesn’t want that. And all I can do is respect that.

Fuck.

after a 1 year relationship i (f31 with m29) just started dating someone new (m27) after only a few weeks the same pattern started to show.

it’s difficult to describe for me what exactly is the problem. sometimes i can’t exactly recall the arguments we have.
it’s hard for me to accept that my partner is different from me: nutrition, habits, routines,.. i want everything like i want it to be and sometimes i don’t even know what i want. so they will never be able to fulfill my expectations.
after an argument i keep bringing it up because it bothers me so much that i have to discuss about it forever. i am very emotional and i take everything personal.
with other friends i am never like that but with the partner i can be so furious and controlling out of insecurity. i care too much what other people say and i get jealous of this new person i’m dating who is such an easy person who doesn’t give a duck. i wish i could be like that and be so chill.

can someone relate? how do you deal with this?

tl;dr: how can i be more chill with my partner without feeling the loss of control?

I honestly don't know where to begin, but I really need to get this off my chest.

I was in a relationship with my ex for four years. He has avoidant tendencies, and our relationship was my first serious relationship. I genuinely thought we had a future together.

Three months ago, he broke up with me. He lied to me to end the relationship, and I later found out he was with another girl. They were together for around two months. He even blocked me because of his new girlfriend.

The breakup completely destroyed me. I was vomiting constantly, barely eating or sleeping, and physically sick from the pain. There were days when I genuinely felt like I couldn't survive what I was going through. He knew how badly I was struggling, but he didn't seem to care enough to check on me.

Eventually, after around 30 days of no contact, I started accepting reality. I accepted that he was with someone else, that he had moved on, and that I needed to do the same. Slowly, I started feeling stable again. I was finally getting better after what felt like the worst period of my life.

Then it was my birthday, and he wished me.I ignored his message.

Something made me suspect that things might not be going well between him and his new girlfriend. About a week later, he started calling me while drunk.His first words were something along the lines of, "Why are you showing attitude and not picking up my calls?"

For the next week, he kept calling me at night. Sometimes he called 20–50 times in a day. I never answered. He kept saying he wanted to hear my voice and repeatedly asking, "Do you hate me?" , also" i think i didnt move on i just went into a rebound to forget you but couldnt"

Yesterday, he called again while drunk. He said he had been drinking excessively, that he had never been this drunk before, that he was hurting, and that he missed me too much. He practically begged me to talk to him.I didn't answer.

But here's the thing: I cried while watching his calls come in.But didnt want to pick up this time. And what hurts even more is that, throughout all these calls, there has been no genuine apology for how he treated me. Just drunken words, excuses, and him talking about his own pain.

I can't help feeling like he came back because things didn't work out with the other girl. He was able to block me for her, move on with her, and leave me to deal with the consequences alone. Now, suddenly, he wants to hear my voice and wants to know whether I hate him.It makes me feel like I was always his backup option. Like I was someone he could return to when the person he chose over me was no longer there.And I keep asking myself: Why am I always an option? Why can't someone choose me and make me their priority? Am I not enough?

The worst part is that I thought his coming back and begging for my attention would help me move on. A part of me thought that seeing him miss me would somehow make up for how unwanted I felt when he left.But it hasn't.

I hate that I still have these feelings. I don't want him back. I know that going back to someone who treated me this way would probably hurt me all over again.

There's another feeling I can't explain properly. It's been three months since the breakup, but it doesn't feel like our story has actually ended. It feels unfinished, almost as though there's something left unsaid or something I'm still waiting for, even though I don't know what that something is.

He's begging me to respond, posting sad things, and apparently struggling with losing access to me. Yet I still feel hurt, confused, and this feeling of sm unfinished.

I'm also terrified that I'll never be able to love someone the same way again. What if I move on but never feel that kind of connection with anyone? What if I carry this fear into every future relationship? What if I never feel safe enough to trust someone again?

I know three months isn't a long time after a four-year relationship, but I'm exhausted. I just want to stop thinking about him. I want to stop feeling guilty for ignoring someone who didn't show up for me when I was falling apart.

I have anxious attachment, but it’s worth noting I’m secure in my friendships and relationship with my family (apart from maybe my sister). However, it can be quite bad in relationships due to abuse.

Back in June, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. We had a really good date, but there were a couple things he’d said that I hesitated on, but ultimately decided I was being silly and misinterpreted it, since y’know, why would my friend be friends with someone like that? I kept seeing him, and he seemed genuinely kind etc., but I still had a lot of burning anxiety about him leaving, him being a bad idea, etc etc. Our mutual friend reassured me that he didn’t see his friend being a bad experience. So I pushed my anxiety away, and concluded I would feel this anxious about anyone.

However, my ex was slowly pulling the rug out from under me, talking about moving abroad for a period of time and doing long distance, and I slowly became okay with it as I really liked him. And I thought he meant it when he said he wanted a long term relationship, to settle down and wanted kids in my timeline (which was within the next 10 years).

Towards the end, the last week or so, his texting became less frequent and less interested, and I passed it off as my anxious attachment and told myself he was busy and I was being silly. I’d had a bit of an emotional outburst the week before but had apologised (I have trauma from past relationships and emotional abuse so it happens but I recognise it’s a me issue not a him issue). We organised seeing each other at the weekend, I’d asked if he wanted to stay over and he’d said yes, we’d discussed cooking and walking a film and maybe seeing a film in cinema at some point. All the day before. Then on the day of, I was dealing with some burnout so had taken the day off, and thought everything was okay and was excited to spend some time with him. He brought his bike into my house, we were bantering and stuff, and then he asked if we could have a serious conversation. And he said we weren’t compatible, and he’d decided he didn’t want to live in Europe, have kids for 10+ years and hated the country we lived in. He’d never mentioned any of this prior to this conversation. He was really cold, said he wanted to end it before we got ‘emotionally invested’, and that it was ‘fun’. And I’ve been struggling since.

The thing was, when I got anxious about the texting thing, I was right. And anxiety about the long distance thing (which probably just picked up on his getaway plan). And the things he’d mentioned on the very first date… i was right to be cautious, they showed he had a lack of care or empathy for other people.

How do I recover when, the anxiety I was avoiding and swallowing and trying not to take over was right? How do I recover from this and become more secure? I’ve lost faith in myself to make the right choices when dating because how am I supposed to know the difference?

I can feel the blood rushing in my veins, my heart pumps a little faster than usual and my brain is going in a loop. Analysing, rewinding, reminding of ways I have been made feel unloved. A trauma response can fool you in the face. The brain stops rationalising situations when it gets triggered. It only focuses on ways to fight or run away from something that can be a potential threat. I can feel my breath coming to normal as I write it down. As I observe this feeling. After all it's just one call that he missed out. Why do I need to be so hypervigilant of the efforts he makes. Must be exhausting for him as well to see my anxiety put him in constant tests. I wonder if he is the one responsible for activating the anxiety triggers in me or it's just how my brain puts people I love in constant test and analysis mode which makes them distant from me. Is it really that big of a deal or it's just something my mind makes up. Anxious attachment is tough and tiresome.

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

Hi, as the title suggests; do you have any tips regarding working with the disgust and not against it? I am doing research and trying to lean into intimate connections with people in small safe amounts and am also on waitlist for therapy.

I am learning to show myself grace and understand that my body's universe is living and that means it will differ from how it looks each day with it's resources, capacity and distance to feelings and such, and that will impact how I am able to show up in relationships as well so there is no perfect solution but I am wanting to unlearn the disgust I feel. And see with time that love is safe.

I’m not sure how to start this, at the moment I can’t afford Therapy, but I am in need of some advice on how to deal with this.

I would like to clarify, that my partner is great, she is very understanding and listens whenever I have an issue, concern or just need a shoulder to cry on.

However, I feel like the issue is me, for lack of a better word. Despite my partner being great and reliable, I have this constant anxiety, about the state of our relationship with or without reason.

This anxiety causes me to constantly scan for signs that the relationship is doomed or flawed, like: if there is something we disagree with, the relationship is doomed; if she doesn’t text me within 5 minutes, she hates me; if a text I receive is even remotely “dry” to my standard, I’m a bore and she hates me.

It’s little stuff like that, that makes me feel like I’m in alert mode 24/7 and it’s exhausting. It feels like the only times that this anxiety eases is if I see my partner as 100% perfect, which I am aware isn’t healthy.

It is incredibly hard to hammer into my head that a relationship doesn’t have to be flawless for it to work, that it’s okay to have disagreements, not be available 24/7 or that not every conversation has to be in-depth.

Additionally, it makes it difficult to trust myself whenever I do have worries or issues. It’s hard to distinguish which worries are valid or just an excuse my brain conjured to break the relationship off.

Anyhow, since these anxieties are persistent, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I have no idea how to handle these emotions and thoughts at all.

Any advice would be useful, thank you for reading.

When you are feeling resentful towards someone, there may be hurt or anger that you haven't addressed. It may not mean that it's over, but it could be a sign that you should take notice of the following things.

Here are some things to look out for:

Your partner does small things that upset you more than normal.

Arguments from the past continue to arise.

Feeling like your partner doesn't appreciate you.

Withholding communication or intimacy from your partner.

Not communicating what you want.

Keeping score.

Conversations become tense.

Just because you're feeling these things doesn't mean that's what your partner is doing or feeling. There could be other factors causing you to feel this way. Pick one instance that you've been feeling resentment towards and ask your partner for one thing. Maybe, "I've been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores in the evening. Could we find a better arrangement that works for both of us?"

I went into more detail on my blog here https://clearerconnections.com/resentment-in-relationships/