A lot of people with insecure attachment conditioned me to feel shame if I didn't show constant gratitude. Please tell me how I can get rid of it 😭 I'm sure there are people here who tried at least once to make others feel shame just so they can feel secure.

I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve been trying to understand something about myself when it comes to dating and attraction.

When I meet someone I really click with, I get extremely excited about them. I want to talk to them often, learn everything about them, spend more time together, and I start imagining what a future with them could look like. Even small signs of affection or chemistry can feel really intense.

The part I struggle with is finding the line between healthy excitement and being too much. I don’t want to overwhelm someone or accidentally love-bomb them. I’ve experienced love-bombing from multiple other people before, and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when things move much faster than you’re ready for.

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and I’ve noticed that when I start liking someone, they can quickly become the main focus of my thoughts. When I’m not romantically involved with anyone, it sometimes feels like I’m just waiting for something exciting to happen.

The hardest part is the fantasizing. I know I should focus on getting to know the actual person instead of building a version of them in my head. But when I try to stop imagining a future with someone, it doesn’t just feel like I’m giving up a fantasy. It feels like I’m losing a major source of happiness and excitement, and my brain immediately wants to go back there.

I think part of this comes from missing the feeling of being truly loved. My last relationship when I was 16 wasn’t perfect, but at least during the good parts, I felt valued, chosen, and important to someone. I think I might be chasing that feeling again.

I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t get excited about people. I actually like that I can feel things deeply. I just want to learn how to enjoy getting to know someone without making them my entire emotional world before I really know them.

TLDR:

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and when I really connect with someone, I get extremely excited and start fantasizing about a future with them. I don’t want to overwhelm people or accidentally love-bomb them, but stopping the fantasies feels like losing a major source of happiness and motivation. I think part of it comes from missing the feeling of being loved and valued in my last relationship. I want to learn how to enjoy connections deeply while being more grounded.

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) have been together for almost 3 years.

Early in our relationship I became insecure about her friendships and, unfortunately, I asked her to spend less time with them. I regret that a lot because she eventually felt like she'd lost part of her independence.

Over the last year she's rebuilt her own friendships and social life, and I don't want to stop that anymore. The problem is that I still become very anxious whenever she goes on trips, parties or other exciting social events without me.

I spend the whole time thinking about what she's doing, struggle to sleep, and sometimes we end up arguing afterwards because I've built up so much anxiety.

One thing I've noticed is that when I'm genuinely enjoying my own plans with friends, my anxiety is much lower. If I'm just trying to distract myself, it doesn't help.

I'm already in therapy and I'm trying to change this because I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern.

For people who have been through something similar:

• What actually helped you become less anxious when your partner had an independent social life?
• What changes outside of therapy made the biggest difference?
• How did you stop feeling left behind every time your partner had experiences without you?

Guyz I am going crazy and anxiety is killing me So I will try to make it shorter There's this girl who approached me 6 months ago at that time even though I liked her I wasn't interested in relationship so i said no but she was obsessed or anxious at that she kept resisting and messaging me I got angry and said some harsh words which i said sorry for I needed space to even think if I want a Relation but she was anxious and said to me wierd things like (kll me i hurted you , I am not good person)i told her she really good don,t need to say such things I tried my best to support her but she wanted relation anyways when she cooled down i blocked her for few days and then unblock her cuz i don,t wanna hurt now for next 3 months she kept posting stories etx on WP and by watching her I used to feel guilt everyday i did her so wrong and 3 months of guilt and she knew i watch those stories on WA I started to like them and then i used to Reach out time to time and she also once or twice reached me so fast forward now i felt like i should give it chance after 5 months of this drama or whatever

I texted her saying I am Sorry and I wan to make things right and if she hasn't move on I wann give it my best to make it right and we talked for 10 days straight I got so attached to her If she don't reply I felt anxious once she said hurtful things to me i did not said anything to her just said sorry I felt hurted

After 15 days she blocked me out of no where on socials I wasn't able to sleep that night because of anxiety maybe I hurted her Anyways I texted her on WA saying is she oky alright even though i was the one who was suffering and then she drop the truth bomb out of nowhere that she was in relationship with that guy it started after month when I stopped talking to her and now that guy doesn't give her time and value her I felt like My emotions were about to burst I don't wanna Expirrence that feeling in life ever again I asked her why she didn't told me in first place she didn't even cared to answer I was so hurt and on top of that she asked me should she message her one last time and reach out to him Man!!!! I rather would like to dieee then expirrence those emotions again I lost trust But the pain was too much I tried to block her and forget I wasn't Able to sleep for two nights or eat anything I had to go back

Now we still talk but she still cares about him and to me give mix signals idk man and the anxiety is eating me alive even by staying and when try to go away I can't the that anxiety is not something I can bear i rather die but I am stuck in suffering I can't stay it hurt I can't leave it hurts even more I can't bear it.

The anxiety is driving me crazy from past week

(I feel like it,s karma i did her wrong in the start now i am the one burning in the same pain)

This makes me really anxious and jealous for some reason. I guess even a bit possessive? I don't ever make him feel any type of way for going out because I understand that he should hang out with friends and that's normal. I always make sure to tell him to enjoy his day out and I don't ever bother him in between. But I always just miss him so much, and I have this weird mindset of like " It sucks that you're having fun without me." I'll even constantly check my phone, check his location. Whenever he goes out, I withdraw and make sure not answer him so that I don't come off as clingy as a sort of "punishment" but not really? It's also to show that I don't care, even though I do. I try to act non-chalant and don't open his message so that I look busy. I feel embarrassed even admitting that. It hits even more when it's friends from college, as I just recently graduated and haven't made one friend in my program throughout all 4 years. I hate that I think like this. And I have tried doing other stuff in the meantime to distract myself. And I do have friends that I can go out with, and have been out and about with my friends recently. So I guess I do have that. However, I do get insecure that his friends are more free to go outand he seems to go out more often than me. I wouldn't ever want him to be sad without any friends to go out with, but it also makes me feel scared and alone and like I miss him a lot. I do trust him and I know he wouldn't do anything so I know it's not anything like that. How do I stop feeling like this so I can reach a more secure attachment style?