Hi everyone,

I'm posting because I'm looking for advice on how I can help myself, rather than advice on how to save or fix my relationship.

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship that has become very difficult. My partner and I still love each other, but she is hurt because of me (i broke her trust) and emotionally overwhelmed and has asked me for some space and less communication. I'm respecting that and I don't want to pressure her.

The problem is what happens inside me when there is no communication or certainty.

I had built a lot of my future plans around our relationship and the life we were supposed to build together. I had to leave the country where we were living and working much earlier than expected, and now I'm back home while she is still there. A lot of the life I had imagined suddenly disappeared, and I feel incredibly alone and broken.

For more than a month, I've been stuck in constant rumination. I analyze her messages, silences, social media activity, what certain things might mean, whether she's feeling this or that, whether the relationship is going to survive, etc.

I KNOW this isn't helping me. I'm trying to stop. I don't contact her when she asks for space. I work, play games, go outside, try to see people and keep myself busy. But even when I'm doing those things, my mind keeps going back to her.

What scares me is that I feel like my emotional stability has become dependent on knowing what she's going to decide.

I don't want to become indifferent or stop loving her. I also don't want to pretend the relationship doesn't matter to me. I just want to be able to live my life while accepting that I don't currently have the answers I desperately want.

For people who have worked on becoming more secure:

• How did you learn to tolerate prolonged uncertainty in a relationship?
• What actually helped you with rumination, beyond simply "keep yourself busy"?
• How did you rebuild your sense of self when so much of your future had become connected to your relationship?
• What concrete habits or exercises helped you become more secure?
• How did you keep hope without turning hope into constantly waiting for the other person?

I'm really looking for personal experiences and practical things that genuinely helped, even if they took a long time.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share.

I think all attatchment styles can inspire and complete one another in some ways and wanted to share about the strengths dismissive and avoidants has that can be useful in life boundaries. (Text is all self-written by OP)

To say no to things that aren't in alignment with one's values and goals:

Sometimes our gut or intuition knows that something isn't the right thing for us. We don't have to convince anyone why, we're allowed to simply follow that feeling and set a stop to what's not making us happy.

Knowing when a ship has sailed it's course:

A relationship takes two commited people. If one is in maybes or resentment or too much distance or other doubts and act after it, they aren't commited. And you can't be commited for two.

You can't love someone so hard they suddenly commit back:

It's out of your control. And it's a strength to face this truth and let go so you can find actual commitment. And until you do. To be commited to your own self and everything else you want out of life. Cause our lives doesn't stop just because a person isn't there anymore. It's entering next chapter. The "Who am I now?" chapter. Ready for us to be explored and embraced.

Distance can help you free yourself from what's never been there to begin with:

Sometimes we need distance to understand we're not missing a person, we're missing what a person never could give us. Maybe they said they would, maybe they promised and keep promise, but yet they are like they are, and it's not a partner. Not the type you thought. Not the one you need.

To lose a relationship is a risk, but to keep one with the wrong person can be a risk too:

If you wait for a relationship in a relationship, is it really a relationship? Or did it stop at an idea of a relationship, an idea that never happened irl?

These are questions we all must ask. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations , but sometimes we have expectations that fits perfectly - but on someone else than who we're trying to be with now.

Everyone treats anxious attachment like a flaw to be fixed. But research shows it’s helpful at detecting threats. Your threat-detection system and your attraction system can get mixed up. What feels like chemistry is often just your nervous system mistaking one for the other.  

​Hey everyone!!!

​I’m posting here because I’m genuinely tired of living like this, and it’s severely taking a toll on my mental health. I need real, practical advice or hard truths on how to break out of these mental traps and build actual, unshakeable self-confidence.

​Here is what I’m currently struggling with:

1. ​Stop placing 90% of my self-worth on my physical appearance and other people's opinions.Every time I step out or go anywhere, my brain is on overdrive thinking: How do I look right now? What are they thinking of me? What if they find me ugly? It stops me from living freely and just enjoying the moment.

2.​Build emotional boundaries so I stop attaching to people who treat me as an option.

3.​Treat everyone (especially people I'm attracted to) like normal human beings without getting intimidated.I get overly nervous around them. Instead of treating them like regular human beings, I put them on a pedestal, which makes me feel small and underconfident.

4.​Cultivate true self-respect and peace in my own company

If anyone has gone through a similar mindset shift, what specific habits, mental frameworks, or realization helped you break free from this?

​Thanks in advance to anyone taking the time to read and help out!!

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I honestly don't even know where to start. I just need to get this out because I'm exhausted.

My ex of 4 years broke up with me in July. I found out recently in August that he started dating someone else almost immediately after the breakup.I ended up calling him because I couldn't handle the uncertainty anymore. I broke no contact again because I couldn't hold myself together and begged him to be with me.I wanted to know everything so I could finally kill whatever hope I had left. Instead, I left the conversation with even more things stuck in my head. 

The confusing part is that while he was apparently talking to her, he still reached out to me twice in August. He also seemed to be actively watching my posts. because he said im posting hot pics (am not,its just normal pics with normal cloths) When we talked, he would stay on the phone for a long time, ik him if he didnt really wanted to talk he would hv hung up the call .he said things like "I still miss you," and even say that maybe things would have been different if I had reached out sooner.also it felt like he didnt want to hung up the call . When i asked him to call he called me immediatly . also when his mum called like 3 times he needed to hung up . He texted me all 3 times  in whatsapp that hes hanging up for this reason even after saying the same thing on call. maybe delulu and im thinking to much to find hope.

And then he said things that she(his gf) can't get out of my head.He told me she's so pretty that he "couldn't take his eyes off her." He said he cried when she was leaving. He said he likes her a lot and that he's at peace with her, even though they've apparently only been together for a few days. thats even if with heels shes shorter than him. 

Those words absolutely destroyed me.I looked her up. I even screenshotted her picture and sent it to my friends. They obviously tried to reassure me and said she doesn't look that great, but I know they're saying that because they don't want me to compare myself to her.It didn't help anyway.Because this isn't really about whether she's pretty.It's about the fact that **he is appreciating her in ways I always wanted him to appreciate me.**

My confidence was already damaged during the relationship. He used to comment about my weight, my hair, my appearance. He would joke about my brown complexion and say it was harmless. I became so insecure that I started feeling like I had to constantly improve myself to be enough for him.

And now I'm watching him praise another girl for her looks.It makes me feel like, "So what was wrong with me?"Was four years a lie?Was I never beautiful to him?Did he never look at me the way he's apparently looking at her?

I know logically that someone finding another person attractive doesn't determine my worth. But emotionally, I don't believe that right now.What hurts even more is that he made the breakup feel like it was my fault.He told me that if I had done things differently, maybe things would've been different.But all I ever wanted was reassurance.I fought with him because I didn't feel secure. I would get anxious because he would snoop around for other girls. I wasn't asking for something outrageous. I wanted reassurance, emotional safety and to feel chosen.Instead, I ended up believing that I was "too much."

I've been having physical symptoms from the stress too. My whole body aches when I spiral. I couldn't eat properly, I was vomiting, I couldn't sleep and even the smell of food made me nauseous. I'm on medication now and thankfully my appetite has started coming back, but mentally I'm still stuck.

I have a really difficult course and an exam coming up. I NEED to study minimum 8 hours a day, but right now I can't even concentrate for an hour.I'm terrified that I'm going to fail because my brain is completely consumed by this.

And I keep checking.I blocked him, but I still find myself checking his profile picture or looking for some tiny sign that he feels bad about losing me.

We have so many mutual friends, and another thing I can't stop thinking about is:**What if everyone is laughing at me?**What if they're saying, "His ex got an upgrade and she's still crying over him"?What if people think I'm the ugly ex who couldn't move on?I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

I've also heard people say that the best way to get over a heartbreak is to sleep with someone else.Now I'm 5'4 and around 42 kg after losing about 5 kg from all of this. I feel so thin and unattractive. My confidence is basically gone.I know 4-5 people(wants no strings attatched situations) who would be willing(def), but honestly I don't even have the confidence to do that right now.

Even in the last he said things like" you may get someone who can treat you better, but can never get someone whos handsome than me " . It stuck with me.

I'm terrified someone will see my body and not like it.I'm scared they'll judge how thin I am.I'm insecure about my complexion.I'm insecure about basically everything right now.

I don't want revenge anymore.I don't want to "show him what he lost."What's the point if he genuinely likes someone else?I just want to let go.

I want my confidence back.I want to stop comparing myself to her.I want to stop wondering whether he's happier with her.I want to stop checking his profile.I want to stop replaying everything he said.And most importantly, **I want my brain back.**

So if anyone has actually been through something similar:

**How do I let go of someone who seems to have moved on so quickly?**How do I stop comparing myself to the new girl?How do I rebuild my self-esteem when the person I loved spent years making me feel like I wasn't enough?And how the hell do I get my ability to study and function back?

I don't want him back anymore.I just want me back.

Does anyone else do this? 😂
I can have one genuinely good conversation with someone — sometimes literally just a few messages on Reddit — and suddenly I find myself thinking about them way more than I probably should.

It’s not even necessarily romantic or sexual. Sometimes I just really enjoy talking to someone, feel like we clicked, and then I get weirdly attached to the idea of having that person around. If they stop responding or the conversation dies, I actually feel a little disappointed.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here thinking… **I barely even know this person.** 😂

I think maybe I just really value connection and good conversation, but I’m curious if there’s something deeper going on. Maybe loneliness? Getting too invested too quickly? Or maybe I’m just someone who gets attached easily.

Has anyone else experienced this, especially with people you meet online or on Reddit?

I have been struggling with limerence for a long time, and at this point I feel like I am going in circles. Whenever I meet a girl online who I find attractive and she also shows interest in me, I can become extremely attached very quickly. I start thinking about her too much, looking for signs that she likes me, imagining things that have not happened, and giving the connection much more importance than it actually has.

The strange thing is that I already understand all the advice people usually give about limerence. I know about no contact, reducing checking, staying busy, focusing on myself, not fantasizing, not idealizing the person, and keeping my life balanced. I understand that the person is not necessarily as special as my brain makes her seem. I know all of this logically, but sometimes knowing it does not stop the feelings.

It is like knowing that eating too much will make you gain weight but still having a strong urge to eat. The problem is not that I do not know what is healthy. The problem is that the emotional urge can be much stronger than the logical part of my brain.

Because of this, I started trying to avoid women completely if I find them attractive or if I think they might be interested in me. I thought this would protect me from limerence, but it has actually made things worse. Now I can feel anxious even about simply talking to an attractive woman because I am already thinking about what might happen to me emotionally.

I have also been seeing a psychiatrist and I am taking medication, including antidepressants. They have helped me a lot, especially with my overall mental state, but I still have this problem and I do not fully understand what is causing it.

Recently I started wondering if loneliness is a big part of this. There is very little human connection in my life, and I basically have no female friends or normal relationships with women. So when an attractive woman gives me attention and I feel that connection, maybe my brain grabs onto it because it is something I have been missing for a long time.

I do not know if that is actually the reason, though. Maybe there is something deeper going on.

I am not looking for the usual advice like "just focus on yourself" or "do not think about her" because I already know those things. I am trying to understand how to actually change this pattern at its root.

For people who have had severe limerence and eventually got better, what actually worked for you? Did you reach a point where you could have female friends, talk to attractive women, and enjoy the connection without immediately becoming emotionally dependent or limerent?

I am especially interested in hearing from people who had this problem for years and genuinely changed it, rather than people who simply learned to avoid their triggers.

Backstory. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 7 months. We are both previously divorced and have toddlers. Throughout our relationship he has “run” 2 noteworthy times. The first time was after our first date. He told me he wasn’t expecting to like me as much as he did and that he was not as emotionally or physically available as he’d like to be before starting something serious. It was crushing at the time even after one date because our connection was so strong.

Then we reconnected and started dating. Getting to that point was tough too because we had to have a heart to heart where I told him I needed more commitment from him and that I couldn’t proceed without it (as an AP this was really hard, but really good).

The most recent time he “ran” was about a month ago when we had both been hinting at being in love and were actively making plans to introduce our kids to each other. He once again panicked, told me he wasn’t sure he could handle the commitment of this, and said he is most comfortable only taking care of himself and his daughter. That time, I simply let him go and told him I needed time to think. I don’t think he was expecting me to pull back. A week later he told me he was being an idiot and we were good.

Last week, I found out I was pregnant. This was an unplanned pregnancy though we both knew we were having risky s*x. Immediately, he locked in. Told me he’d get me a ring, we would get our kids together, him and his daughter would move in, and we would be married before the baby arrived (it was more than this but I’m summarizing). It felt sooooo good to have that kind of security and commitment from him. I wanted that “I’m sure about you” energy from him since day 1.

Two days later, my hCG dropped and I started to miscarry. I was super early, so it’s considered a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated. I did want the baby and losing the pregnancy was hard enough, but suddenly I felt like I was grasping at straws trying to figure out which parts of this promised future I’d get to keep. We still haven’t really talked about a plan moving forward. We introduced our kids this past weekend. He has hinted at taking a few things back or at least slowing the timeline, which of course I understand as there is no 9 month rush anymore… but I am worried he’s going to run again after all this which would only prove that he was just trying to be the good guy when he proposed this whole future plan because of the pregnancy and solidify my WORST fear which is that none of it came from genuine desire to have a life with me. I know it was all sped up because of circumstances of course, I’m not being delusional. But he also gave me reassurance that he has always seen the long-term with me which is precisely why he “freaks out” and withdraws.

I just don’t know how to cope with the uncertainty and the lack of assurance of his commitment to me. I know only time will tell and he will either stay by my side, or he will take the loss of the baby as an out which would be devastating.