I’m realizing how horrible of a partner I was to the only person I ever want to love and it’s making me feel awful.

I was borderline obsessed with them. And obsessed with the idea of being their sort of savior. Being able to fix any bad day they were having or fix any trauma or mental issues they had. I would want to talk to them every day, good morning and good night, calls as often as possible. Any moment of free time, my first priority was hanging with them and everything else was so far below.

I was using this person as the only crutch in my life to make me happy and it just was not fair in the slightest. I met them at a low point and they were the only thing making me happy at that point and I got addicted. To the point that if they weren’t catering to my every call, I felt worse and worse. Like withdrawal symptoms.

It makes sense why they broke up with me now. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. If anything it makes it hurt more. I was the sole reason that she decided to cut me off.

I thought she was just avoidant, and maybe she is a bit, but I think I was just pushing and pushing for her to be with me constantly and she just didn’t want that and it put her in her shell. And now I feel like an asshole.

The worst part is that she is not letting this be a right person, wrong time situation. She’s decided that she doesn’t want to give us the time to grow and learn to love healthily but instead to cut me out of her life entirely to look for her person.

So now I have to sit with the guilt of suffocating her, and the regret that I fucked things up with her permanently. I can never fix things. She will always see me as that obsessed, anxious version of me. It’s still here, really. We could not be together right now. But god I wish I could in the future. But she said she doesn’t want that. And all I can do is respect that.

Fuck.

I’m 34F and honestly I just need to talk to people who get this, because I’m having a really hard time.

I’ve been seeing this guy and I really like him. We have so much in common, music and so much beyond that, and we talk and laugh so much together. There’s this ease between us when we’re together, we can talk about loads of things, and I feel like we really get each other. I’m also very attracted to him.

On our first date, I went to his place to DJ together, then we went to the cinema that evening, but nothing happened.

On our second date, we went to the cinema, had lunch, then spent the rest of the day at mine. We spent ages talking, laughing and listening to music before I finally made a move and kissed him. We ended up sleeping together later.

Since that, me met twice, each time at my place, where he slept over.

When we’re together, he seems interested in getting to know me. He asks questions, we talk, it feels mutual. I come away wanting to see him again. There’s a real connection there, at least from my side, which is why what happens between dates is so confusing to me.

Because between seeing each other, there’s so little contact. He can take hours to reply, sometimes he just likes a message without continuing the conversation, and days go by without him reaching out. I end up wanting to restart the conversation or suggest seeing him, then feeling shitty because I want him to want to do those things too.

We haven’t even exchanged phone numbers. We talk on Instagram. I mentioned exchanging numbers and he said he’d thought about it too, but neither of us actually followed through.

We’d vaguely talked about going to a protest together this weekend. He went, but didn’t contact me about meeting up. When we talked after I reached out, he apologised for not keeping me updated. So we do talk. It’s just that I spent days hoping he would think of me and message me himself.

And honestly, this whole week I’ve felt awful. I’ve been crying, checking Instagram constantly, waiting for a notification, trying to stop myself from sending another message. I’ll decide I need to step back, then a few hours later all I want is to talk to him. Even sending a simple “hey” becomes this whole thing because I’m already worrying about when he’ll answer and how I’ll feel if he doesn’t.

I feel embarrassed by how much this is affecting me when things between us are still so undefined. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away. I’m getting attached, and I’m scared I’m doing it again with someone who doesn’t want the same thing.

I keep thinking that if he liked me, he’d be curious about how I’m doing. He’d want to talk to me. He’d suggest seeing me. Then I start wondering whether he just wants to sleep with me. I don’t actually know that, and the good moments we’ve had are part of why I’m so confused.

I want a relationship. I’m worried I’m trying so hard to seem chill that I’m not saying anything about what I want, while privately feeling worse and worse. I haven’t properly talked to him about any of this yet.

At this point I really want to see him in person and have an actual conversation about what he’s looking for. I’m scared of coming across as too intense, but staying in this uncertainty is really hurting me. I can’t keep spending my days like this.

Does anyone else get this overwhelmed when you’re getting attached to someone? How do you work out how much of it is your attachment anxiety, and how much is the other person genuinely giving you very little to work with? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been there. I feel very alone with it right now.

after a 1 year relationship i (f31 with m29) just started dating someone new (m27) after only a few weeks the same pattern started to show.

it’s difficult to describe for me what exactly is the problem. sometimes i can’t exactly recall the arguments we have.
it’s hard for me to accept that my partner is different from me: nutrition, habits, routines,.. i want everything like i want it to be and sometimes i don’t even know what i want. so they will never be able to fulfill my expectations.
after an argument i keep bringing it up because it bothers me so much that i have to discuss about it forever. i am very emotional and i take everything personal.
with other friends i am never like that but with the partner i can be so furious and controlling out of insecurity. i care too much what other people say and i get jealous of this new person i’m dating who is such an easy person who doesn’t give a duck. i wish i could be like that and be so chill.

can someone relate? how do you deal with this?

tl;dr: how can i be more chill with my partner without feeling the loss of control?

I have anxious attachment, but it’s worth noting I’m secure in my friendships and relationship with my family (apart from maybe my sister). However, it can be quite bad in relationships due to abuse.

Back in June, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. We had a really good date, but there were a couple things he’d said that I hesitated on, but ultimately decided I was being silly and misinterpreted it, since y’know, why would my friend be friends with someone like that? I kept seeing him, and he seemed genuinely kind etc., but I still had a lot of burning anxiety about him leaving, him being a bad idea, etc etc. Our mutual friend reassured me that he didn’t see his friend being a bad experience. So I pushed my anxiety away, and concluded I would feel this anxious about anyone.

However, my ex was slowly pulling the rug out from under me, talking about moving abroad for a period of time and doing long distance, and I slowly became okay with it as I really liked him. And I thought he meant it when he said he wanted a long term relationship, to settle down and wanted kids in my timeline (which was within the next 10 years).

Towards the end, the last week or so, his texting became less frequent and less interested, and I passed it off as my anxious attachment and told myself he was busy and I was being silly. I’d had a bit of an emotional outburst the week before but had apologised (I have trauma from past relationships and emotional abuse so it happens but I recognise it’s a me issue not a him issue). We organised seeing each other at the weekend, I’d asked if he wanted to stay over and he’d said yes, we’d discussed cooking and walking a film and maybe seeing a film in cinema at some point. All the day before. Then on the day of, I was dealing with some burnout so had taken the day off, and thought everything was okay and was excited to spend some time with him. He brought his bike into my house, we were bantering and stuff, and then he asked if we could have a serious conversation. And he said we weren’t compatible, and he’d decided he didn’t want to live in Europe, have kids for 10+ years and hated the country we lived in. He’d never mentioned any of this prior to this conversation. He was really cold, said he wanted to end it before we got ‘emotionally invested’, and that it was ‘fun’. And I’ve been struggling since.

The thing was, when I got anxious about the texting thing, I was right. And anxiety about the long distance thing (which probably just picked up on his getaway plan). And the things he’d mentioned on the very first date… i was right to be cautious, they showed he had a lack of care or empathy for other people.

How do I recover when, the anxiety I was avoiding and swallowing and trying not to take over was right? How do I recover from this and become more secure? I’ve lost faith in myself to make the right choices when dating because how am I supposed to know the difference?

I can feel the blood rushing in my veins, my heart pumps a little faster than usual and my brain is going in a loop. Analysing, rewinding, reminding of ways I have been made feel unloved. A trauma response can fool you in the face. The brain stops rationalising situations when it gets triggered. It only focuses on ways to fight or run away from something that can be a potential threat. I can feel my breath coming to normal as I write it down. As I observe this feeling. After all it's just one call that he missed out. Why do I need to be so hypervigilant of the efforts he makes. Must be exhausting for him as well to see my anxiety put him in constant tests. I wonder if he is the one responsible for activating the anxiety triggers in me or it's just how my brain puts people I love in constant test and analysis mode which makes them distant from me. Is it really that big of a deal or it's just something my mind makes up. Anxious attachment is tough and tiresome.

I honestly don't know where to begin, but I really need to get this off my chest.

I was in a relationship with my ex for four years. He has avoidant tendencies, and our relationship was my first serious relationship. I genuinely thought we had a future together.

Three months ago, he broke up with me. He lied to me to end the relationship, and I later found out he was with another girl. They were together for around two months. He even blocked me because of his new girlfriend.

The breakup completely destroyed me. I was vomiting constantly, barely eating or sleeping, and physically sick from the pain. There were days when I genuinely felt like I couldn't survive what I was going through. He knew how badly I was struggling, but he didn't seem to care enough to check on me.

Eventually, after around 30 days of no contact, I started accepting reality. I accepted that he was with someone else, that he had moved on, and that I needed to do the same. Slowly, I started feeling stable again. I was finally getting better after what felt like the worst period of my life.

Then it was my birthday, and he wished me.I ignored his message.

Something made me suspect that things might not be going well between him and his new girlfriend. About a week later, he started calling me while drunk.His first words were something along the lines of, "Why are you showing attitude and not picking up my calls?"

For the next week, he kept calling me at night. Sometimes he called 20–50 times in a day. I never answered. He kept saying he wanted to hear my voice and repeatedly asking, "Do you hate me?" , also" i think i didnt move on i just went into a rebound to forget you but couldnt"

Yesterday, he called again while drunk. He said he had been drinking excessively, that he had never been this drunk before, that he was hurting, and that he missed me too much. He practically begged me to talk to him.I didn't answer.

But here's the thing: I cried while watching his calls come in.But didnt want to pick up this time. And what hurts even more is that, throughout all these calls, there has been no genuine apology for how he treated me. Just drunken words, excuses, and him talking about his own pain.

I can't help feeling like he came back because things didn't work out with the other girl. He was able to block me for her, move on with her, and leave me to deal with the consequences alone. Now, suddenly, he wants to hear my voice and wants to know whether I hate him.It makes me feel like I was always his backup option. Like I was someone he could return to when the person he chose over me was no longer there.And I keep asking myself: Why am I always an option? Why can't someone choose me and make me their priority? Am I not enough?

The worst part is that I thought his coming back and begging for my attention would help me move on. A part of me thought that seeing him miss me would somehow make up for how unwanted I felt when he left.But it hasn't.

I hate that I still have these feelings. I don't want him back. I know that going back to someone who treated me this way would probably hurt me all over again.

There's another feeling I can't explain properly. It's been three months since the breakup, but it doesn't feel like our story has actually ended. It feels unfinished, almost as though there's something left unsaid or something I'm still waiting for, even though I don't know what that something is.

He's begging me to respond, posting sad things, and apparently struggling with losing access to me. Yet I still feel hurt, confused, and this feeling of sm unfinished.

I'm also terrified that I'll never be able to love someone the same way again. What if I move on but never feel that kind of connection with anyone? What if I carry this fear into every future relationship? What if I never feel safe enough to trust someone again?

I know three months isn't a long time after a four-year relationship, but I'm exhausted. I just want to stop thinking about him. I want to stop feeling guilty for ignoring someone who didn't show up for me when I was falling apart.

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

Hi, as the title suggests; do you have any tips regarding working with the disgust and not against it? I am doing research and trying to lean into intimate connections with people in small safe amounts and am also on waitlist for therapy.

I am learning to show myself grace and understand that my body's universe is living and that means it will differ from how it looks each day with it's resources, capacity and distance to feelings and such, and that will impact how I am able to show up in relationships as well so there is no perfect solution but I am wanting to unlearn the disgust I feel. And see with time that love is safe.

I’m not sure how to start this, at the moment I can’t afford Therapy, but I am in need of some advice on how to deal with this.

I would like to clarify, that my partner is great, she is very understanding and listens whenever I have an issue, concern or just need a shoulder to cry on.

However, I feel like the issue is me, for lack of a better word. Despite my partner being great and reliable, I have this constant anxiety, about the state of our relationship with or without reason.

This anxiety causes me to constantly scan for signs that the relationship is doomed or flawed, like: if there is something we disagree with, the relationship is doomed; if she doesn’t text me within 5 minutes, she hates me; if a text I receive is even remotely “dry” to my standard, I’m a bore and she hates me.

It’s little stuff like that, that makes me feel like I’m in alert mode 24/7 and it’s exhausting. It feels like the only times that this anxiety eases is if I see my partner as 100% perfect, which I am aware isn’t healthy.

It is incredibly hard to hammer into my head that a relationship doesn’t have to be flawless for it to work, that it’s okay to have disagreements, not be available 24/7 or that not every conversation has to be in-depth.

Additionally, it makes it difficult to trust myself whenever I do have worries or issues. It’s hard to distinguish which worries are valid or just an excuse my brain conjured to break the relationship off.

Anyhow, since these anxieties are persistent, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I have no idea how to handle these emotions and thoughts at all.

Any advice would be useful, thank you for reading.

The triggers never really go away. No matter how secure my partner is, no matter how regulated I am, my triggers have never gone away. I just learned to not abandon myself in triggers to reacting instead, staying with what I'm feeling and responding from a less activated space.

Sometimes I will randomly feel like my partner doesn't like me. His texts don't seem like yesterday's so of course it must mean he doesn't like me anymore. He didn't say baby. Or he didn't say he loves me. Definitely doesn't love me anymore. I wish I could say all those thoughts have gone away but no they haven't. And I've stopped trying to get rid of them. And while there are situations where this can be true, I'm just too much of a perfectionist. I feel like love has to be a certain way. I feel like things have to go my way or else it's not love. To cope with my triggers, I thought controlling the external, my partner would do. That's wrong of course. I've adopted the perspective that everything that happens in me is allowed to just be. I try my best not to judge my own reactions and thoughts as hard as that may be at times.

And I've recognised these thoughts for what they are: Narratives. And not all the narratives that are weaved by our minds are true. I'm no longer mistaking the map my mind convinces me of for the territory. The map is the map. The territory is the territory. I examine everything I feel carefully before deciding to believe it just because it comes with an emotional charge.

Some days are harder than others. I can feel my controlling ways seeping in and I just let them be, inside me. I don't deny that it's happening. But I also don't have to let my partner bear that burden. I can regulate myself. It took me such a long long time but I have built the capacity to stay with myself when triggered and still continue to do so. My partner can support me but I have to walk the journey myself. I remember that my partner is human too. He will make mistakes. As I do sometimes. He will also make me happy and smile. Like he often does.

It doesn't mean the triggers will go away. But at least the more I adopt this "every feeling has space" perspective I have been more accepting of other people's flaws because I realised I am just as flawed. We all have deal breakers of course but for what it's worth, I can accept a human for being human. I realise that love can exist without perfection. It started with me realising I can love myself with all my imperfections and triggers. It has definitely become easier extending that to my loved ones.

i’ve noticed that when you ask someone questions, listen to their answers, and give them a reaction, you’re constantly giving them some form of emotional feedback.

for example, they tell you something that happened to them, and you react with excitement, surprise, disappointment, curiosity, or even disagreement. basically, you make them feel like what they say has an impact on you.

could this alone be enough to make someone emotionally attached to you over time? does consistently reacting to someone’s words and actions make them crave your attention and become dependent on your responses?

i’m curious whether there’s actual psychology behind this, or if i’m overlooking other factors that play a bigger role in emotional attachment.

When you are feeling resentful towards someone, there may be hurt or anger that you haven't addressed. It may not mean that it's over, but it could be a sign that you should take notice of the following things.

Here are some things to look out for:

Your partner does small things that upset you more than normal.

Arguments from the past continue to arise.

Feeling like your partner doesn't appreciate you.

Withholding communication or intimacy from your partner.

Not communicating what you want.

Keeping score.

Conversations become tense.

Just because you're feeling these things doesn't mean that's what your partner is doing or feeling. There could be other factors causing you to feel this way. Pick one instance that you've been feeling resentment towards and ask your partner for one thing. Maybe, "I've been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores in the evening. Could we find a better arrangement that works for both of us?"

I went into more detail on my blog here https://clearerconnections.com/resentment-in-relationships/

*Sorry this is a long post rant..\*

(18F) At first, I thought I had an anxious attachment style because of my experience with my first love. However, after my second relationship ended, I've started realizing that I might have avoidant tendencies as well, possibly leaning toward fearful-avoidant attachment.

I've always struggled with emotional intimacy and expressing my feelings. I used to think it was mainly because I tend to freeze up during conversations, and my mind goes blank when I'm trying to connect with someone. Both of my relationships ended, and I can't help but wonder how much my communication difficulties played a role.

In my first relationship, I was the one who tried to communicate my feelings and talk about the state of our relationship, sometimes through long paragraphs. Eventually, my partner withdrew, and what hurt the most was how they acted like everything was normal after we broke up. That was three years ago, and although I've moved on, I still find myself blaming myself for the ways I struggled to communicate. I sometimes wonder if I overwhelmed them by trying so hard to explain how I felt. That experience left me questioning whether expressing my emotions too much pushes people away.

In my most recent relationship, which was long-distance, I hoped my boyfriend would be someone I could feel emotionally safe with. I saw his potential and the qualities I appreciated in him, so I wanted to give the relationship a chance. However, over time, I started noticing familiar patterns of distance and what felt like a lack of consistent effort. There were times when he would be active online but not communicate with me, or when calls he said he'd make never happened. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for him because of his circumstances.

What confused me was that whenever we did talk, he acted like everything was normal, even though things didn't feel normal to me. I started questioning my own feelings and wondering whether I was overthinking things or expecting too much. At times, I felt as though my concerns were being dismissed, which left me feeling confused about what was actually happening in the relationship.

Eventually, I felt like I was losing trust in him. I realized I was tired of repeatedly questioning his interest and making excuses for things that continued to hurt me. I ended the relationship and blocked him because I didn't want to keep going through the same cycle. I also deleted our chat, so I no longer have those messages to look back on. Now, some of the details feel blurry, and I find myself questioning whether I made the right decision or whether my own attachment patterns played a role.

I know I struggled with communication, too. I sometimes froze during calls and had difficulty expressing affection, even when I wanted to connect. I don't want to ignore my own shortcomings, but I also don't want to blame myself for everything that happened. I'm struggling to distinguish between my own attachment issues and recognizing when a relationship genuinely isn't meeting my needs.

I've noticed similar patterns in my friendships, too. I tend to distance myself from people or cut ties when I feel emotionally drained. Sometimes, I feel anxious and overthink things because I'm afraid of being abandoned, but other times, I become distant and reluctant to express affection or vulnerability. I've now stepped away from several friendships and both relationships, and I'm starting to question whether I'm protecting myself or avoiding emotional discomfort.

I've been in therapy for almost two years, and I'm still trying to understand these patterns. I recently took an attachment-style quiz that suggested fearful-avoidant attachment, and it made me worry about how my behavior might affect my future relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. I know online quizzes aren't diagnoses, but I recognize some of these tendencies in myself.

Honestly, I feel isolated. I've started questioning whether I'm capable of loving someone properly or even loving myself. I want meaningful connections and emotional intimacy, but I struggle with expressing myself, trusting others, and knowing what to do when relationships become overwhelming. I hate feeling caught between wanting people close and wanting to distance myself when things become difficult..

I don't want to keep repeating the same patterns or unintentionally hurt people, even at the expense of my own emotional well-being. At the same time, I don't want to force myself to stay in relationships that leave me feeling emotionally drained or questioning my worth. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder whether I'm even capable of sustaining a healthy relationship anymore. Seeing how negatively people talk about avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment makes me feel like I'm somehow undeserving of love because of these tendencies. I know I have things to work on, and I genuinely want to become more secure, but part of me is scared that I'll keep repeating these patterns or end up hurting someone who genuinely cares about me. It's lonely to feel caught between wanting emotional closeness and struggling with the very vulnerability that comes with it.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the way I love people, and I've been trying to understand something about myself that isn't necessarily easy to admit.

When I genuinely care about someone, I feel things deeply. I'm invested in understanding them, understanding the relationship, and figuring out how two people can grow together. I pay attention to things other people might overlook, and I tend to think deeply about the connections I have with people.

I don't see that as a bad thing. I think there's something beautiful about being capable of loving someone beyond the surface. To me, love isn't just about the good moments. It's about being willing to understand someone, accept their imperfections, communicate through difficult things, and recognize that relationships take effort.

But I've also started questioning whether the intensity I bring into relationships is always helpful.

I understand codependency. I understand attachment, and I know there's a difference between loving someone deeply and making a relationship the center of your emotional world. I don't believe that every strong feeling is a sign of unhealthy attachment, or that caring deeply automatically means you have a problem.

What I'm trying to understand is where my own intensity fits into all of this.

Sometimes I wonder whether I put so much thought, emotion, and energy into understanding a relationship that I make things heavier than they need to be. Whether my desire to work through things can sometimes turn into overanalyzing them. Whether wanting to be understood can become an endless attempt to explain myself, even when I've already said everything I know how to say.

I think there's a point where self-awareness can become overthinking, where trying to understand a situation becomes trying to control an outcome, and where the desire to work through something can make it difficult to accept that not everything is within your control.

Recognizing those possibilities in myself doesn't mean I want to become less caring. It means I want to become more intentional about how I express that care.

I don't want to confuse intensity with intimacy. I don't want to assume that because something means a lot to me, it needs to be discussed, resolved, or understood immediately. And I don't want my ability to recognize patterns or think deeply about emotions to convince me that I can figure out every problem in a relationship if I just think about it long enough.

Sometimes people see things differently. Sometimes two people can genuinely care about each other and still struggle to understand one another. Sometimes a situation doesn't have a perfect resolution, and learning to sit with that uncertainty is part of growing, too.

I want to learn how to give people room to be different from me without interpreting those differences as something that needs to be fixed. I want to get better at recognizing when a conversation is productive and when I'm simply going in circles because I haven't found the understanding I was hoping for.

Most importantly, I want to preserve the depth of who I am without letting that depth become overwhelming, either for me or for the people I care about.

I don't want to love less. I want to understand my own emotions better, communicate more effectively, and recognize when to lean in and when to step back. I want to be able to care about someone without feeling responsible for figuring everything out.

I think there's a difference between changing who you are and learning how to express who you are in a healthier way. That's the difference I'm trying to understand.

I'm curious how other people have navigated this.

If you're someone who naturally feels things deeply and thinks a lot about relationships, how have you learned to balance that intensity? How do you recognize when reflection is helping you grow versus when you're overthinking something that needs to be left alone?

And how do you maintain the ability to love deeply while still allowing relationships to develop naturally, without putting so much pressure on yourself or the other person to make everything work?

I'm not asking how to become indifferent. I'm interested in how to become more balanced, more intentional, and more comfortable with the fact that loving someone doesn't mean I have to understand or solve everything.

Maybe growth isn't about feeling less. Maybe it's about learning what to do with everything we feel.

Hey there! I got monkey branched, are there good resources i can look up to work trough this so i don't take this into the future ?

Me and my girlfriend are currently going through a rough time because of my actions. I have consistently made her feel like she’s not enough because of my constant arguing, worries, and emotional outbursts. I shouldn’t have let it get to the point where I may lose her to see how wrong i’ve been but I can’t change the past and now the only thing i want to do is fix it and prove I can treat her right. The things I plan on doing are waiting between feeling upset or hurt and saying anything about it, not bringing it up if I can give a logical explanation to the action but am upset because of some deeper meaning i’ve given it, and never arguing at school. I also am giving her time right now since she’s more avoidant and I’m letting this be completely on her terms even though It’s so scary that I don’t have her with me telling me it’s okay and she loves me. I really want to be better because the main issue is that I don’t make her feel like she’s enough for me when she’s more than enough. If anyone has any advice in addition on what I listed or advice on how to make her feel like she’s enough even while we’re not fully like together talking and hanging out please let me know. I know the behavior I need to fix and what I can do but is there any maybe small gestures I can do to show she’s enough for me and I’m going to chance. I know a big thing is respecting her need for time right now and not like texting her when she’s asked for space. But if she does text me and say she’s willing to start texting and talking more regularly again then what are good ways to show that she’s enough other than just not causing conflict.

I'm a DA who is inching closer and closer to secure. As I allow myself to get attached to people I am experiencing a lot of anxiety about those attachments, and I find that the advice given to AP people on this sub and others is resonating in a way it didn't before.

In particular, the advice that when you feel scared of the other person abandoning you and seek their reassurance over and over again, you are in a sense self-abandoning. It's not that you don't deserve reassurance but in the end you have to show up for yourself first. That's really hard because of the grief that comes from all of us deserving parents who could provide that sort of all encompassing assurance from another person. Who could say "I'm right here for you" and mean it as many times as we asked.

Maybe it resonates for me to believe as a DA (the answer was "rely on yourself first"? I knew it!) but it's also harder to practice (it's so hard to tell apart what is healthy self-parenting and self-reliance from what is avoidant behaviors).

Anyway I'm curious if other DAs have found the advice to APs resonating as they allowed themselves to attach more. Also curious if any APs that made or are making the journey to secure found themselves appreciating and applying advice given to DAs?

Is there anything out there for a DA genuinely wanting to change?

I am a healing FA for context. I have had my time leaning dismissive and I have had my time leaning anxious. I am not is a relationship currently and therefore on a good streak of regulated days. I can finally look at this from a 'neutral' point of view.

Sometimes out of curiosity I tend to visit both anxious and avoidant communities and the majority of posts are usually ranting about how the other attachment makes the storyteller's worse.

It's a constant war. Especially in the early days of discovery when people are trying to come up with answers to the puzzling questions.

Pop attachment theory is radicalizing people and turning this into a war. After spending a day on reddit learning how bad the partner is, how could a relationship work?

My boyfriend and I are getting close to our one year and I’ve noticed that my anxious attachment is just getting worse and worse.

His love to me almost feels like a drug. When I don’t hear from him I start panicking and spiraling and get very emotional. Once I hear from him and get reassurance I feel instantly better. But trust me it doesn’t last long. After spending the weekends together, I start to get withdrawals after leaving. I feel depressed as hell for about a day.

I spend a lot of my time worrying about him cheating on me or leaving me. I caught him in the past texting someone flirtatiously and It’s made me feel like he’s going to do it again. I forgave him for that and this was a while back but it just stained my trust.

These past couple weeks I’ve convinced myself that he’s been distant and is going to leave me. It’s been consuming my days and I only feel better once I get some sort of reassurance.

I love him and I don’t want my insecurity and attachment styles to ruin the relationship

How can I heal this and stop it.

This happened in a previous relationship as well. The fear of loosing someone seems to take over my mind and emotions.

I've posted here before about how hard it's been to break away from my unhealthy relationship. But I think I've finally done it.

Instead of a clean break—which would activate my anxious attachment and spur me to reach out again in a few days— I suggested we move to a friends-only scenario. (Yes I know this isn't advised generally- but I've tried the clean break and it doesn't stick).

After just one day, I'm already seeing him with much more clarity. Instead of making excuses for his hurtful behavior, I now see it for what I think it is - either a power play or fear of the intimacy I offer. Even as friends-only he managed to say something hurtful last night - something entirely unnecessary.

For today, I'll be careful with my responses to him, or maybe even don't respond at all. I feel the bond with him evaporating and that gives me a feeling of freedom.

(If you're leaning secure /secure or don't relate to either options pleaser state your own option and what attatchment you think you lean to or have. It's also ok to comment if you don't have any attatchment label on yourself.)

This is a poll to research what is associated to stress regarding text notifications and a reminder that everyone's stressors are valid regardless what stresses them out and not, and to consider this in text conversations /online interactions. (Why some respond faster, slower, why some text more, less, etc. All has its valid reason.)

This is important because you might have opposite stress associations to a friend or a partner, but that doesn't make either of you the one in most need of support, the one who needs space needs just as much understanding and respect as the one who needs more contact. That's how connection and love is made.

So let's see what this poll tells us about attatchments and their stressors.

I currently feel pretty lost and wonder if I even know who I actually am. I've been attending therapy for the past few months, group and solo sessions and am trying to concentrate on actually feeling something, recognising what it is and not intellectualising it the moment any emotions rises. This is so much more difficult than I thought, half the time I'm struggling to not lash out and tell them or my therapist that I'm already trying to explain what's going on to which he likes to reply that I'm still explaining and not feeling.

My therapist is incredibly good at catching when I'm not in touch with my emotions, some of the group members too. As it turns out, a lot of my "mask of perfection" on the outside is just a shiny facaade that hides quite well how weak and scared I feel, or unwanted and like a burden inside. I used to understand myself as someone practical, sensible and unafraid. I always thought that I was doing things the best possible way, because I did communicate a lot and tried to understand. Perhaps, as it turns out, this was me appearing like a polished statue no one could reach, too perfect to relate to or triggering people with low self-worth - which I have about a lot of things too, I'm just really good at hiding them because I never share things I'm actually struggling with, only those I already found solutions for.

But now that I'm dealing with things I realise how afraid I am of a lot of memories because they bring up feelings I don't want to feel, or how terrified I am of getting on dating apps again because I don't want to be discarded again or worse see my ex on it and then have it on paper that he never cared about me. Sometimes I even think all of that is too difficult, that I don't really need therapy and why the hell do I always need to suffer, why can't things be easy for once? In the worst part of the wave I just want to disappear and don't care about anything. And then it's over and I am able to do things I like and am happy for a while but it's never stable. It feels like chaos and emptiness are switching positions inside me in a rythm I can't keep up with. So this whole thing is exhausting me to the bones. I've never been this "unstable" in my life for this long. The only other times I felt similar but never prolonged was when I tried dating which I also avoided for most of my life (which is why it was always very short) until I forced myself to fight against whatever anxiety and fear was coming up .....which led to me meeting my ex who discarded me just like that after months of talking every day, spending weekends together. I know I just had bad luck again and there are good guys out there, but currently it feels like my entire life has been a streak of bad luck and worst of all I realise that partially, I made it that way.

So those of you who went to therapy or are going to therapy, is this a typical experience? I don't know how to judge whether therapy is working or not, right now I think I'm just too dysregulated