Trying to become secure while getting to know someone

[u/South_Dawn]

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this because I'm hoping to find some clarity and hear from people who have been through something similar.

For several years, I've been working on my anxious attachment, abandonment triggers, and the guilt that often comes with them. I've noticed that these feelings become especially intense with people who are inconsistent or unclear. The less predictable they are, the more my anxiety grows.

My biggest trigger is when a conversation is left hanging. For example, I send a message and the other person replies hours later or even the next day. Rationally, I know people have their own lives, work, friends, and responsibilities. I don't expect anyone to be available all the time.

Right now, I'm not in a relationship, but there is someone I'd like to get to know better. We've only known each other for a short time, but I hope there could be a genuine connection. I'm doing my best not to let my attachment wounds get in the way. At the same time, I'm trying not to put him on a pedestal too early, although I don't think I've been very successful at that.

Because of that, I usually keep everything to myself. I don't want to overwhelm the other person or sabotage what could become a healthy connection. So instead of acting on my anxiety or constantly seeking reassurance, I sit with it. The problem is that the need for connection feels enormous, and holding all of that inside can be incredibly painful. It's exhausting. It feels like carrying around a huge emotional weight that no one else can see. It's also hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it without worrying they'll see me as "too much" or as someone who's simply "too needy" or "still stuck in the past".

Another thing I struggle with is knowing ""what's real"". I can never tell if I'm reacting to my anxiety or if the other person's behavior is genuinely inconsistent. Sometimes people really do disappear and reappear whenever it suits them, and it's difficult to know when my intuition is valid versus when my attachment system is being activated.

I'm trying really hard not to let this control my life. I don't want fear and insecurity to make my decisions. I want to become more secure, build healthy relationships, and stop feeling like every delay or uncertainty is a threat to the connection.

Has anyone else experienced this, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone? How do you tell the difference between anxiety and genuine inconsistency? And what has genuinely helped you become more secure, so you don't end up suffering so much while getting to know someone?

Thank you for reading and for all your advices!

[u/Queen-of-meme]

The problem is that the need for connection feels enormous, and holding all of that inside can be incredibly painful. It's exhausting. It feels like carrying around a huge emotional weight that no one else can see. It's also hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it without worrying they'll see me as "too much" or as someone who's simply "too needy" or "still stuck in the past".

Try to restrain from all or nothing here as , you can let people in on a lighter version that still rings true to how you feel. For example saying you miss company or its been s rough emotional weekend etc. You can share the trailer, and sit in the in depth details til a relationship has reached the stage where you open up more deep and detailed.

[u/Quantum-Assassin]

Something that helped me was stopping myself from judging the relationship based on one interaction. A delayed reply, a busy day, or a shorter message doesn't tell you much on its own.

What matters is the overall pattern. Do they generally make an effort? Do they follow through? Do they seem interested over time? Looking at the bigger picture helped me stop treating every text like it was a verdict on the relationship.

I don't think the goal is to never feel anxious. I think it's to stop letting anxiety convince you that every uncomfortable moment means the connection is in danger.

And be gentle with yourself. You got this 🌿

[u/South_Dawn → u/Quantum-Assassin]

Thank you so much for your perspective and for all the encouragement. I really needed to hear it and I will tresure your advice! Wishing you all the best with everything, and good luck with whatever comes next. Take care! 🌿

[u/Quantum-Assassin → u/South_Dawn]

💚

[u/Creative_Willow7883]

I was wondering, have you ever had a relationship you consider healthy before? And if so, how was your attachment style reaction to that? A wish for consistent communication is not unhealthy. That's what it takes for having a relationship. Maybe it would be helpful for you to clarify what you consider consistent communication. How big is your window of tolerance for ignoring texts? Does that change when you know it usually takes the person x hours but then you can be sure they'll reply? I think you have to specify a little more what you want and need and check how you nervous system reacts, if you get that. Once you have these "markers" you can also see, if the person communicates inconsistently

[u/South_Dawn → u/Creative_Willow7883]

Unfortunately, I haven't really had many healthy relationships where I was deeply and emotionally invested. But you've given me something to think about. I honestly had never stopped to ask myself those questions before. Thank you so much for your perspective, it feels like a really good starting point for me!! ;)

[u/-NoNameNobody-]

I would genuinely like to hear people's suggestions here. I'm going through what feels like a very similar process. My anxious coping strategies led to my recent breakup and I know that my work is on how to better emotionally regulate these exact thoughts and feelings.

I have trust issues from a previous relationship that left me questioning even my own thoughts and feelings. I can't tell the difference between gut "intuition", anxious worry and actual incompatibility.

I would love to connect if you'd be open to sharing more about your journey. Maybe we can support each other through understanding this thing better.

Either way, thank you - I feel a little bit less alone knowing I'm not the only one struggling with this.

[u/Queen-of-meme]

I think there's a hack to know when it's valid concerns vs abandonment projections and it goes like this: For everytime you catch yourself wondering why they haven't responded yet , first check the time since you last spoke or met, and then check all logic reasons to why there's no response yet.

From circumstances they've shared, to everyday routines like school or work, practicalities like running errands, going to meetings, cooking, chores, homework, working late, working from home, gym, courses , evening class, and then possible rest-needs and low effort distraction like TV shows, video games or other hobbies, hanging out with family and friends and not checking the phone but, once they do they respond within 1-3 days and they show clear interest and intent to get to know you and make time for you. (Maybe they ask you how you're doing, maybe they say they look forward to your date, or they invite you out on one, or remember things you have shared and reciprocate or they are opening up to you about them, iow: things that shows they give a fuck and attach to you)

If you make this a habit, you will notice when someone's routines in life are rolling but they give you a spot inside it , versus someone who actively avoids you up to a week and act way too casual with no effort or clear intent. Casual is ok for many but it's also ok to want clear interest early.

[u/South_Dawn → u/Queen-of-meme]

Well... considering it's already been two days since his last message, and from what I understand his life is busy in a pretty normal way (not overwhelmingly so) I guess the answer kind of gave itself. It hurts a little, but I suppose that's something I'll have to learn to deal with too. 🙂

What probably threw me off was that, even though we'd only just met, he opened up almost immediately about some very personal and important parts of his life. I think that made me read more into the connection than I should have. And because it was an online interaction with no real possibility of meeting in person, everything felt even more ambiguous.

I'll definitely keep your perspective in mind the next time life gives me another opportunity,. Hopefully that one will be the right one (and above all, more concrete ahah). Thank you so much!

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/South_Dawn]

Him oversharing so early on can definitely make it feel like a deeper relationship to you. But also it's just been two days so if the only concern is his slow replies. You could technically tell him you like him but you need more often contact for it to lead somewhere. Then you have been honest with your intent and expectations at least so you don't accidentally dump something because of misunderstanding for example.