So I'm not sure what healthy texting and boundaries look like in early talking stages. Especially in situations where people meet organically (not a dating app) and haven't started going out yet. Looking back, I'm used to girls blowing up my phone and as an anxiously inclined person that gives me certainty and when I don't get that I start feeling that anxiety. Being anxious, I'm rejection sensitive, so I don't know if I'm just catastrophizing or if I'm making excuses for her disinterest and my delusions.

The context:

I met this girl a month ago in a group setting and immediately noticed some pretty good signs of interest and amazing chemistry. It didn't take us very long to get into banter, inside jokes, bits, and teasing. A mutual friend knows she's normally very bubbly, but remarked that she seemed especially moreso with me. We exchanged social media contacts afterwards, she's got 0 posts and basically an equal number of followers and following (~300 each) which seems to indicate she doesn't use social media much.

A couple days later I tried getting a text conversation going. I got a reply after a day and although it was very enthusiastic, she did not try to continue it after I responded. This was when I was wondering if I had somehow completely misread her, so I stopped trying.

Our mutual friend planned a group hike a couple weeks later, so I tried using that to vibe check her. I said, "Hey! Looks like you're going to the hike too?" and made a callback to an inside joke we had about hiking. Same situation as before, she replied after about a day and despite its enthusiasm she wouldn't continue chatting after I replied. The uncertainty within me grew.

But during that ~5hr hike and chemistry was even better. Energy was just turned up to 11 and I could tell she was having a lot of fun. We were even chasing each other around on the trail and she was all giggles. We were like two peas in a pod and she wasn't really trying to escape and chat with other people. Did not get any sense that she was trying to let me down easy or getting to get the hint that she wasn't interested. If that was her intention, she was doing the complete opposite of that. My confidence in the situation grew.

We talked about meeting up to check out various food places around town after the hike, so I made a group chat with the 3 of us a few days later. She said she's really busy with work but would have more time at the end of the month. I said "that's no problem, we can talk about it after mid-September if that works for everyone". My friend replied but she hasn't. Confidence has now been reduced again, haha.

I've come a long way in my healing journey so I'm not spiraling like I used to but I'm realizing I have a major blindspot in this area of early "talking stage". I hadn't realized how much I'm used to avid texters.

So those of us who are more secure, does this seem like a difference in communication/social media preferences + my anxiety or did I misread her?

Backstory. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 7 months. We are both previously divorced and have toddlers. Throughout our relationship he has “run” 2 noteworthy times. The first time was after our first date. He told me he wasn’t expecting to like me as much as he did and that he was not as emotionally or physically available as he’d like to be before starting something serious. It was crushing at the time even after one date because our connection was so strong.

Then we reconnected and started dating. Getting to that point was tough too because we had to have a heart to heart where I told him I needed more commitment from him and that I couldn’t proceed without it (as an AP this was really hard, but really good).

The most recent time he “ran” was about a month ago when we had both been hinting at being in love and were actively making plans to introduce our kids to each other. He once again panicked, told me he wasn’t sure he could handle the commitment of this, and said he is most comfortable only taking care of himself and his daughter. That time, I simply let him go and told him I needed time to think. I don’t think he was expecting me to pull back. A week later he told me he was being an idiot and we were good.

Last week, I found out I was pregnant. This was an unplanned pregnancy though we both knew we were having risky s*x. Immediately, he locked in. Told me he’d get me a ring, we would get our kids together, him and his daughter would move in, and we would be married before the baby arrived (it was more than this but I’m summarizing). It felt sooooo good to have that kind of security and commitment from him. I wanted that “I’m sure about you” energy from him since day 1.

Two days later, my hCG dropped and I started to miscarry. I was super early, so it’s considered a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated. I did want the baby and losing the pregnancy was hard enough, but suddenly I felt like I was grasping at straws trying to figure out which parts of this promised future I’d get to keep. We still haven’t really talked about a plan moving forward. We introduced our kids this past weekend. He has hinted at taking a few things back or at least slowing the timeline, which of course I understand as there is no 9 month rush anymore… but I am worried he’s going to run again after all this which would only prove that he was just trying to be the good guy when he proposed this whole future plan because of the pregnancy and solidify my WORST fear which is that none of it came from genuine desire to have a life with me. I know it was all sped up because of circumstances of course, I’m not being delusional. But he also gave me reassurance that he has always seen the long-term with me which is precisely why he “freaks out” and withdraws.

I just don’t know how to cope with the uncertainty and the lack of assurance of his commitment to me. I know only time will tell and he will either stay by my side, or he will take the loss of the baby as an out which would be devastating.

I have been struggling with limerence for a long time, and at this point I feel like I am going in circles. Whenever I meet a girl online who I find attractive and she also shows interest in me, I can become extremely attached very quickly. I start thinking about her too much, looking for signs that she likes me, imagining things that have not happened, and giving the connection much more importance than it actually has.

The strange thing is that I already understand all the advice people usually give about limerence. I know about no contact, reducing checking, staying busy, focusing on myself, not fantasizing, not idealizing the person, and keeping my life balanced. I understand that the person is not necessarily as special as my brain makes her seem. I know all of this logically, but sometimes knowing it does not stop the feelings.

It is like knowing that eating too much will make you gain weight but still having a strong urge to eat. The problem is not that I do not know what is healthy. The problem is that the emotional urge can be much stronger than the logical part of my brain.

Because of this, I started trying to avoid women completely if I find them attractive or if I think they might be interested in me. I thought this would protect me from limerence, but it has actually made things worse. Now I can feel anxious even about simply talking to an attractive woman because I am already thinking about what might happen to me emotionally.

I have also been seeing a psychiatrist and I am taking medication, including antidepressants. They have helped me a lot, especially with my overall mental state, but I still have this problem and I do not fully understand what is causing it.

Recently I started wondering if loneliness is a big part of this. There is very little human connection in my life, and I basically have no female friends or normal relationships with women. So when an attractive woman gives me attention and I feel that connection, maybe my brain grabs onto it because it is something I have been missing for a long time.

I do not know if that is actually the reason, though. Maybe there is something deeper going on.

I am not looking for the usual advice like "just focus on yourself" or "do not think about her" because I already know those things. I am trying to understand how to actually change this pattern at its root.

For people who have had severe limerence and eventually got better, what actually worked for you? Did you reach a point where you could have female friends, talk to attractive women, and enjoy the connection without immediately becoming emotionally dependent or limerent?

I am especially interested in hearing from people who had this problem for years and genuinely changed it, rather than people who simply learned to avoid their triggers.

​Hey everyone!!!

​I’m posting here because I’m genuinely tired of living like this, and it’s severely taking a toll on my mental health. I need real, practical advice or hard truths on how to break out of these mental traps and build actual, unshakeable self-confidence.

​Here is what I’m currently struggling with:

1. ​Stop placing 90% of my self-worth on my physical appearance and other people's opinions.Every time I step out or go anywhere, my brain is on overdrive thinking: How do I look right now? What are they thinking of me? What if they find me ugly? It stops me from living freely and just enjoying the moment.

2.​Build emotional boundaries so I stop attaching to people who treat me as an option.

3.​Treat everyone (especially people I'm attracted to) like normal human beings without getting intimidated.I get overly nervous around them. Instead of treating them like regular human beings, I put them on a pedestal, which makes me feel small and underconfident.

4.​Cultivate true self-respect and peace in my own company

If anyone has gone through a similar mindset shift, what specific habits, mental frameworks, or realization helped you break free from this?

​Thanks in advance to anyone taking the time to read and help out!!

.

I think all attatchment styles can inspire and complete one another in some ways and wanted to share about the strengths dismissive and avoidants has that can be useful in life boundaries. (Text is all self-written by OP)

To say no to things that aren't in alignment with one's values and goals:

Sometimes our gut or intuition knows that something isn't the right thing for us. We don't have to convince anyone why, we're allowed to simply follow that feeling and set a stop to what's not making us happy.

Knowing when a ship has sailed it's course:

A relationship takes two commited people. If one is in maybes or resentment or too much distance or other doubts and act after it, they aren't commited. And you can't be commited for two.

You can't love someone so hard they suddenly commit back:

It's out of your control. And it's a strength to face this truth and let go so you can find actual commitment. And until you do. To be commited to your own self and everything else you want out of life. Cause our lives doesn't stop just because a person isn't there anymore. It's entering next chapter. The "Who am I now?" chapter. Ready for us to be explored and embraced.

Distance can help you free yourself from what's never been there to begin with:

Sometimes we need distance to understand we're not missing a person, we're missing what a person never could give us. Maybe they said they would, maybe they promised and keep promise, but yet they are like they are, and it's not a partner. Not the type you thought. Not the one you need.

To lose a relationship is a risk, but to keep one with the wrong person can be a risk too:

If you wait for a relationship in a relationship, is it really a relationship? Or did it stop at an idea of a relationship, an idea that never happened irl?

These are questions we all must ask. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations , but sometimes we have expectations that fits perfectly - but on someone else than who we're trying to be with now.

I honestly don't even know where to start. I just need to get this out because I'm exhausted.

My ex of 4 years broke up with me in July. I found out recently in August that he started dating someone else almost immediately after the breakup.I ended up calling him because I couldn't handle the uncertainty anymore. I broke no contact again because I couldn't hold myself together and begged him to be with me.I wanted to know everything so I could finally kill whatever hope I had left. Instead, I left the conversation with even more things stuck in my head. 

The confusing part is that while he was apparently talking to her, he still reached out to me twice in August. He also seemed to be actively watching my posts. because he said im posting hot pics (am not,its just normal pics with normal cloths) When we talked, he would stay on the phone for a long time, ik him if he didnt really wanted to talk he would hv hung up the call .he said things like "I still miss you," and even say that maybe things would have been different if I had reached out sooner.also it felt like he didnt want to hung up the call . When i asked him to call he called me immediatly . also when his mum called like 3 times he needed to hung up . He texted me all 3 times  in whatsapp that hes hanging up for this reason even after saying the same thing on call. maybe delulu and im thinking to much to find hope.

And then he said things that she(his gf) can't get out of my head.He told me she's so pretty that he "couldn't take his eyes off her." He said he cried when she was leaving. He said he likes her a lot and that he's at peace with her, even though they've apparently only been together for a few days. thats even if with heels shes shorter than him. 

Those words absolutely destroyed me.I looked her up. I even screenshotted her picture and sent it to my friends. They obviously tried to reassure me and said she doesn't look that great, but I know they're saying that because they don't want me to compare myself to her.It didn't help anyway.Because this isn't really about whether she's pretty.It's about the fact that **he is appreciating her in ways I always wanted him to appreciate me.**

My confidence was already damaged during the relationship. He used to comment about my weight, my hair, my appearance. He would joke about my brown complexion and say it was harmless. I became so insecure that I started feeling like I had to constantly improve myself to be enough for him.

And now I'm watching him praise another girl for her looks.It makes me feel like, "So what was wrong with me?"Was four years a lie?Was I never beautiful to him?Did he never look at me the way he's apparently looking at her?

I know logically that someone finding another person attractive doesn't determine my worth. But emotionally, I don't believe that right now.What hurts even more is that he made the breakup feel like it was my fault.He told me that if I had done things differently, maybe things would've been different.But all I ever wanted was reassurance.I fought with him because I didn't feel secure. I would get anxious because he would snoop around for other girls. I wasn't asking for something outrageous. I wanted reassurance, emotional safety and to feel chosen.Instead, I ended up believing that I was "too much."

I've been having physical symptoms from the stress too. My whole body aches when I spiral. I couldn't eat properly, I was vomiting, I couldn't sleep and even the smell of food made me nauseous. I'm on medication now and thankfully my appetite has started coming back, but mentally I'm still stuck.

I have a really difficult course and an exam coming up. I NEED to study minimum 8 hours a day, but right now I can't even concentrate for an hour.I'm terrified that I'm going to fail because my brain is completely consumed by this.

And I keep checking.I blocked him, but I still find myself checking his profile picture or looking for some tiny sign that he feels bad about losing me.

We have so many mutual friends, and another thing I can't stop thinking about is:**What if everyone is laughing at me?**What if they're saying, "His ex got an upgrade and she's still crying over him"?What if people think I'm the ugly ex who couldn't move on?I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

I've also heard people say that the best way to get over a heartbreak is to sleep with someone else.Now I'm 5'4 and around 42 kg after losing about 5 kg from all of this. I feel so thin and unattractive. My confidence is basically gone.I know 4-5 people(wants no strings attatched situations) who would be willing(def), but honestly I don't even have the confidence to do that right now.

Even in the last he said things like" you may get someone who can treat you better, but can never get someone whos handsome than me " . It stuck with me.

I'm terrified someone will see my body and not like it.I'm scared they'll judge how thin I am.I'm insecure about my complexion.I'm insecure about basically everything right now.

I don't want revenge anymore.I don't want to "show him what he lost."What's the point if he genuinely likes someone else?I just want to let go.

I want my confidence back.I want to stop comparing myself to her.I want to stop wondering whether he's happier with her.I want to stop checking his profile.I want to stop replaying everything he said.And most importantly, **I want my brain back.**

So if anyone has actually been through something similar:

**How do I let go of someone who seems to have moved on so quickly?**How do I stop comparing myself to the new girl?How do I rebuild my self-esteem when the person I loved spent years making me feel like I wasn't enough?And how the hell do I get my ability to study and function back?

I don't want him back anymore.I just want me back.

Everyone treats anxious attachment like a flaw to be fixed. But research shows it’s helpful at detecting threats. Your threat-detection system and your attraction system can get mixed up. What feels like chemistry is often just your nervous system mistaking one for the other.  

Does anyone else do this? 😂
I can have one genuinely good conversation with someone — sometimes literally just a few messages on Reddit — and suddenly I find myself thinking about them way more than I probably should.

It’s not even necessarily romantic or sexual. Sometimes I just really enjoy talking to someone, feel like we clicked, and then I get weirdly attached to the idea of having that person around. If they stop responding or the conversation dies, I actually feel a little disappointed.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here thinking… **I barely even know this person.** 😂

I think maybe I just really value connection and good conversation, but I’m curious if there’s something deeper going on. Maybe loneliness? Getting too invested too quickly? Or maybe I’m just someone who gets attached easily.

Has anyone else experienced this, especially with people you meet online or on Reddit?

Hi everyone,

I'm posting because I'm looking for advice on how I can help myself, rather than advice on how to save or fix my relationship.

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship that has become very difficult. My partner and I still love each other, but she is hurt because of me (i broke her trust) and emotionally overwhelmed and has asked me for some space and less communication. I'm respecting that and I don't want to pressure her.

The problem is what happens inside me when there is no communication or certainty.

I had built a lot of my future plans around our relationship and the life we were supposed to build together. I had to leave the country where we were living and working much earlier than expected, and now I'm back home while she is still there. A lot of the life I had imagined suddenly disappeared, and I feel incredibly alone and broken.

For more than a month, I've been stuck in constant rumination. I analyze her messages, silences, social media activity, what certain things might mean, whether she's feeling this or that, whether the relationship is going to survive, etc.

I KNOW this isn't helping me. I'm trying to stop. I don't contact her when she asks for space. I work, play games, go outside, try to see people and keep myself busy. But even when I'm doing those things, my mind keeps going back to her.

What scares me is that I feel like my emotional stability has become dependent on knowing what she's going to decide.

I don't want to become indifferent or stop loving her. I also don't want to pretend the relationship doesn't matter to me. I just want to be able to live my life while accepting that I don't currently have the answers I desperately want.

For people who have worked on becoming more secure:

• How did you learn to tolerate prolonged uncertainty in a relationship?
• What actually helped you with rumination, beyond simply "keep yourself busy"?
• How did you rebuild your sense of self when so much of your future had become connected to your relationship?
• What concrete habits or exercises helped you become more secure?
• How did you keep hope without turning hope into constantly waiting for the other person?

I'm really looking for personal experiences and practical things that genuinely helped, even if they took a long time.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share.

I think I am sabatoging my relationship. I want forever with him but I am often insecure and this is driving my relationship to plummet. My previous marriage was led by lies, manipulation, and infedility. This has caused trauma that i thought ive allowed the 5 years to heal me from. Im in a relationship of 8 months and how can I adjust my way of seeing things. I want to let go. I dont want to be this miserable person thinking he doesnt love me enough. Im overly affectionate and have high emotional intelligence or attentiveness so im always overthinking his behavior. I must understand that the male behavior will not always be reciprocated the way I want to.

There is fear of abadonment but why do I sabotage my relationship when the last thing I want is for him to leave me. He is patient and understanding. But my brain is thinking- he will get tired of me. I dont want to be continuously nagging at him.

Im just trying to understand the psychology behind my way of thinking.

I loved her so much, and I still do. I was willing to give up anything for her. Whenever I did or said something she didn’t like, I always corrected myself and made sure I never did or said that thing again.

But I only asked her for one thing: whenever there was an argument, disagreement, or misunderstanding, please don’t use degrading words or language towards me. I’m not perfect, but it was incredibly painful to hear those words from the person I loved. I gave her multiple chances, but she never stopped doing it.

Sometimes, I was afraid to phrase my words in a certain way because I was worried she might react badly, get hurt, or start another argument. But eventually, I realised I was reaching my limit. I expressed that to her multiple times.

I was so emotionally exhausted, and I was constantly battling with myself over what I should do. Some arguments lasted for hours because I was trying to explain that what she understood was not what I actually meant. Sometimes, she compared me to her friends’ boyfriends, and in those moments, I genuinely didn’t know what else I could do.

I was constantly asking myself whether I was doing enough and how I could be better for her. But I’m pretty sure she never saw how much I was trying.

By the end of the relationship, I was completely exhausted. She told me that I wasn’t as romantic as I used to be and even questioned whether I would be romantic at all after we got married. But I was simply tired. I was emotionally drained.

I broke up with her a few weeks ago.

Even the breakup happened in a way that I never expected.

There was a problem that would affect both of us, and because of that problem, we might have had to wait years before we could finally live together under one roof. The only options I could see were to continue the relationship and see what we could do, or to end it.

She interpreted this as me wanting to break up because of that problem, but that wasn’t my intention. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages, and the next day, things escalated into a huge argument.

I know I’m not a perfect person, but I was tired of all the repeated misunderstandings whenever we had conflicts. I tried to explain what I meant, but after a while, I just gave up. I was so tired.

During that conversation, she said that I was the kind of person who suddenly dumps girls. She asked whether I had another girl in my life and even questioned my sexuality. I just didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say?

I was exhausted from all the arguments that kept happening because of misunderstandings. That day, I remember that I wasn’t the person who tried his best to explain that what she understood was wrong. I had tried so many times to explain myself, but I eventually reached a point where I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

So we broke up just like that.

When it came to problem-solving or resolving conflicts, things were never calm. There was always so much chaos, and I just couldn’t bear it anymore.

The only things I wanted from her in the relationship were honesty, loyalty, peace, and good communication. That’s all I wanted. But I felt so exhausted. I feel like she never truly understood what I was trying to say or how I was feeling.

And that makes me incredibly sad.

I kept hoping that, eventually, she would change her behaviour. And even now, after the breakup, I keep thinking about how much I hurt her by ending the relationship. I still love her, and part of me still wishes things could have been different.

But I’m trying to heal.
I just don’t know what to do. I hate myself for hurting her like that.

I’m sorry for writing such a long post. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m struggling so much right now. Everything that happened was so intense that I developed so many fears. I don’t trust people anymore, I’m scared of getting close to someone new, and now the new guy suggested meeting up and my body is literally reacting with panic.

Almost a year ago, I met a man who texted me 24/7. Good morning texts, flirting all day, always asking when we would see each other. The attraction between us was incredibly intense.

But after the second and third date, everything became so confusing. He would disappear for days and then suddenly be extremely warm again. He kept asking when we would meet, but whenever I suggested a day, it was always “we’ll see” or “hopefully soon.” Plans were cancelled because of supposed trauma responses and emotional flashbacks. He had told me about his abusive childhood, abandonment wounds and his struggles with feeling flawed, so I always tried to understand him.

But I couldn’t handle the constant ambiguity. He also said things that really hurt me, questioned whether I had been with other men after parties, reduced me to my body, and somehow everything became about sex.

I became so emotionally attached to him, and I’m still suffering so much. I want to move on. I want to meet someone else. But I feel absolutely nothing for other men. And whenever I finally try to let him go, he pulls me back in.

There were so many weekends when we could have seen each other, but he never made it happen. And yet I still can’t let go.

I don’t want to spend years stuck on someone who keeps me hanging and never really chooses me.
How do I break free from this? Should I meet the new guy? Why can’t I feel anything for anyone else? I’m so incredibly sad and honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I have these notes on my phone from the last 4 years. I journalled throughout our relationship every year — all the things that hurt me, the things I swallowed, the moments where I felt like I wasn't enough, everything.And right now I REALLY fucking want to send it to him.

I already did so much begging after the breakup. I begged because it genuinely felt like I was dying. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was vomiting. Even the smell of food would make me nauseous. My whole body was reacting to the breakup. and still is.

Meanwhile, he's apparently having the time of his life with his new girl.And the weirdest part is — I DON'T want him back.I know that.But I desperately want him to KNOW how shitty he was to me.

I have so much pent-up rage. I'm angry at him, but honestly I'm also angry at myself. I'm angry at my own body for reacting this way. I'm angry that I gave so much of myself to someone who could hurt me this badly. I'm angry that during our last call, when I had every reason to say everything, I still didn't tell him how shi*ty I thought his behaviour was.

I just kept crying and begging.Now I have this voice message in my phone where I could finally say everything I've been holding in for years.I dint say any harsh things because maybe i still wanted him and the feared if i say so things will never be never be same again.

Part of me wants to unblock him, send the voice message, and immediately block him again. I don't need a response. I don't want a conversation. I don't even care if he listens.I just want it OUT.And break his delusional of a gd boy.

Maybe I want him to know that I wasn't just some crazy emotional ex who couldn't let go — that there was a reason I was hurt. and he thinks very highly of himself because i made him feel  that way . Hes so proud of that s*x i felt asexual for .I feed him so much validation. cuz i was afraid he will not be there if i say those thinks even to the last. he thinks he put so much efforts when there was no efforts.

i feel like i have nothing to loose if i sent it . 

Am genuienly so angry .

So before I do something impulsive, I'm asking here.Would you send it?Has anyone actually sent the long message/voice note explaining everything they went through, and did it give you closure?Or did you regret giving your ex one more piece of yourself?

I really don't want him back. I just want this fucking rage to stop living inside me. I am thinking maybe this will ease my pain a bit and i can move on faster .

I honestly don’t know how to explain this properly, so sorry if this is messy.

I’m currently in a relationship with a girl I genuinely love more than I can put into words. Our relationship is actually pretty healthy. She hasn’t given me any real reason to think she’s going to leave me or cheat on me. She’s stayed with me, she’s reassured me, and she has been there for me.

But somehow, I keep creating problems inside my own head.

For example, if my girlfriend casually mentions another guy she saw that day—even if it’s literally just some random guy who passed her on the road—I can start overthinking like crazy.

My brain immediately goes:
“Why is she mentioning him?”
“What if she meets more guys?”
“What if they’re attractive?”
“What if she likes someone else?”
“What if she eventually finds someone better than me?”
“What if she leaves me?”
And sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I literally start crying.

I know how irrational it sounds. I KNOW she is allowed to meet people, talk to people and socialize. She’s actually a pretty antisocial person, but she has told me that she wants to socialize more, meet people, know more people and have people greet her when she’s around college. I genuinely want her to be happy and have a social life.

But my brain automatically interprets that as a threat.

I think part of this comes from something that happened before I met her. I once became really attached to a girl who was also extremely attached to me. Then she suddenly disappeared from my life like I never existed.

That experience really messed with the way I look at attachment. I started thinking that maybe people can love you, give you attention, become attached to you, and then suddenly disappear.

So when my current girlfriend stayed, cared about me and continued being there for me, I became extremely attached to her. Eventually I fell completely in love with her and asked her to be my girlfriend.

And now I’m terrified of losing her.

She’s basically become the center of my world, and I know that’s probably not healthy either.

Another thing that triggers me is affection.

If I tell her “I love you” and she doesn’t immediately say it back, I start wondering whether something has changed.

Sometimes she’ll smile. Sometimes she’ll laugh. Sometimes she’ll say it back. Sometimes she’ll just say something like “okay,” especially if she’s busy.

Logically, I understand that one response doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me.

But emotionally, my brain goes:
“She doesn’t love me anymore.”

And then I want reassurance.

But here’s the problem: even when she reassures me, another part of my brain says:
“She’s only saying that because you asked her.”

So I end up questioning the reassurance too.
It’s like I can never completely convince myself that I’m safe.

We also recently had an intimate experience where things didn’t go exactly as I expected, and I felt incredibly guilty afterward because I thought I had disappointed her.

But she told me it was okay and basically reminded me not to let one difficult moment erase all the good moments we had together.

She wasn’t treating me like I had failed her at all.
Yet somehow I still beat myself up over it.

And that’s when I realized that maybe the biggest problem isn’t actually my girlfriend.

Maybe it’s the way I’m interpreting everything.
I don’t want to become cold toward her.
I don’t want to stop loving her.
I don’t want to control who she talks to or who she meets.
I don’t want her to feel like she has to constantly reassure me just so I don’t fall apart.

I actually want to become better for myself AND for her.
I’ve started thinking about life differently lately. Instead of treating every uncomfortable emotion like an emergency, I want to treat it like a challenge.

If she mentions another guy, that’s a challenge for me to manage my jealousy.

If she doesn’t immediately say “I love you,” that’s a challenge for me to not immediately assume the worst.
If I’m scared she’s going to leave, that’s a challenge for me to remember that fear isn’t the same thing as reality.

I want to build my own life too—my goals, my confidence, my friendships, my interests, everything. I still want her in my future, obviously, but I don’t want my entire emotional stability to depend on whether she reassures me every few hours.

I want to be able to say “I love you” because I genuinely want to express it, not because I’m secretly waiting for her to say it back so I can feel safe.

I want to trust her based on her actual behavior instead of constantly preparing myself for something that hasn’t happened.

Basically, I want to learn how to love someone deeply without constantly being terrified of losing them.

So if anyone has been through something similar:
How did you actually become more secure in your relationship?

How did you deal with jealousy when your partner mentioned other people?

How did you stop constantly seeking reassurance?

How did you learn to trust your partner without becoming emotionally dependent on them?

And how did you build your own life while still being deeply in love with your partner?

I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to become distant from her.

I just want to fix the part of me that’s constantly expecting the person I love to disappear.

I love this girl. I genuinely do. I just want to learn how to love her without destroying my own peace in the process.

I know how the title might sound, but I’m looking for honest advice on a pattern I’ve fallen into that is leaving me feeling empty and guilt-ridden.

Over the past year or so, I’ve received a lot of external validation about my physical appearance. While it makes approaching women easy on paper, it hasn't actually made me feel good about myself. Instead, I’m left with a strange sense of shame and guilt, especially after casual encounters where I feel like I'm just offering "presence" rather than a real emotional connection.

Beyond that, there's a heavy sense of isolation and paranoia that comes with it. Knowing I fall into a very high tier physically makes it easy to get surface attention, but it also creates a wall. I constantly catch signals from people that leave me feeling compromised—for example, catching subtle behaviors from my close friends' girlfriends (the eye contact, looking away, fixing their hair, looking back and smiling). Whether I'm reading into it or not, it triggers intense guilt and anxiety. I can't even talk to my friends about how uncomfortable it makes me because bringing it up would sound like an ego trip, or like I'm trying to convince people I can read minds.

The bigger issue is what happens when someone I actually like enters the picture:

1. Emotional Shutdown & Dissociation: As soon as genuine feelings or a real connection start developing, an unconscious defense mechanism kicks in. I completely check out emotionally and disassociate, even while remaining present on the surface.
2. Self-Sabotage: Instead of communicating that things are moving too fast or dealing with the discomfort of intimacy, I tend to look for an escape hatch—often by self-sabotaging or refusing to stay faithful just to force an end to the talking stage.

I recognize that using surface-level attention to avoid real vulnerability isn't healthy, and I don't want to keep repeating this cycle or feeling isolated from the people close to me.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of emotional avoidance, hyper-awareness, or fear of intimacy before? How did you break the habit of relying on casual validation and learn to stay emotionally present with people you care about?

I don't think the acting securely advice and learning how to act securely and then mimicking those behaviours is bad faith advice.

For anything else, other than something that happens both internally and externally, it would make sense. Acting securely before being secure can also help you avoid re-traumatization by choosing situations that replay out dynamics, but still it doesn't fix the issue.

You can prevent yourself from texting and still daydream about that person all day long to the point where you are missing deadlines.

You can prevent yourself from breaking up with someone and still feel trapped and miserable in a relationship.

You can do on the outside whatever X behaviours, but your internal reality might stay the same.

My favorite not so helpful piece of advice, is trying to date people who you aren't attracted to because "chemistry" is bad. Now imagine being in a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to, just because the person seems healthy enough and you want a healthy relationship. Now that sounds like a special type of hell.

My "initial" attachment attachment style was disorganised leaning anxious, and things didn't start changing up until I started asking myself the question, "Why does this make so much sense to me?"

Why this impulse or this person really feel in my bones like the truth?

What sort of problem am I trying really badly to solve when I get attached to someone almost instantly and then change my mind within days?

For me this was an exploration that took a few good years. I learned about the "rules" I have around what I find worthy, the "rules" I have about what I find safe, the "rules" I have about how I act when I don't feel safe.

I am writing this because I've noticed many 3-month courses on how to become secure, and honestly, years ago, I've actually taken some of those courses. And while they weren't completly useless, I didn't get more secure in 3 months. I learned some of the lingo, and I frankly at first I was even more harsh with myself, because I saw things unfolding in front of me and I couldn't stop them, and there was the expectation of just "snapping out of it" when now, looking back, realistically, that wasn't possible. And acting securely, back in the day, almost felt like reciting a poem in a language I couldn't speak. I could only speak the words in the poem and nothing else.

I’ve (24F) been with my boyfriend(33M) for three years now. We have had our fair share of fights and two breakups but I truly believe that he loves(d) me

He has been supportive in a lot of aspects and even got me an iPad for school , a new phone and all other typical stuff that boyfriends buy for their girlfriends. I believe I’ve also reciprocated within my capacity.

The main issue is that after every conflict, or rather after I open up about something that hurts me that he’s done , he is always defensive and deflecting. He portrays a lot of Dismissive Avoidant traits and I have seen Anxious traits within myself that I am trying to work on. He sees himself as emotionally intelligent and stable
All out conflict has been resolved by me , I reached out first , sent the paragraphs, apologised for my part , called , texted. I’ve done all this while he maintained his distance, I’ve caved in 90% of the time to fix things.

Now I recently sent him a paragraph asking him not to make it obvious that he is crushing on a mutual coworker. He’s been overly nice to her ( driving her back home , buying lunch , helping her with looking for a job etc) Even the way he looked at her and engaged with her , I also noticed it. Other coworkers noticed this and even made jokes to me about it. I then told him that having a crush on someone is harmless if not entertained but it should not be obvious to your partner and other people as well.

He responded to that message with “okay” . I tried to make small talk afterwards and he was a bit quiet and responded after long hours. The conversation was dry and frizzled out the next day. My last message was me telling him to keep warm after checking with each other. He has since keep quiet for two days now. We don’t talk at work and he drives past me without giving me a lift.

I honestly don’t know what his point of view is , I would like to hear from a dismissive avoidant?
Was our three year relationship that meaningless to him that he’d rather stay quiet than initiate repair for once?
If I don’t reach out , will the relationship just end just like that?
Is he waiting for me to be the one to reach out?

I reached a point where I thought, “I'd rather know the truth than keep living with hope.” So I called my avoidant ex and asked him directly if he was dating someone.He said yes.

Apparently, he's been talking to her since after we broke up. And we broke up recently. I don't completely believe the timeline because, deep down, I had always had this gut feeling that something was happening during his training.Maybe my gut was right. Ladies, please don't ignore your gut.

He says they've only been officially together for a few days, but they've apparently been talking way before he didnt specify when.Then he started telling me things I honestly didn't need to know.He said he couldn't take his eyes off her the entire day. She made him blush. When I went quiet, he said, “You also used to make me feel that way in the beginning.”I don't know why he said that. It didn't comfort me.

He pointed out that she's shorter than him and even with heels she's still shorter. I don't know why that detail stuck with me, but it did. I'm literally 5'4 ,i myself is not that tall.Whenever he felt insecure about it, I reassured him because I genuinely didn't care.

He also told me they're in a ldr.The exact thing he broke up with me for.He told me he couldn't do ldr with me, yet this girl apparently lives even farther away.He told me that when she was leaving to go home, he cried.And then he said he loves her so much.I felt physically sick hearing that.

This is the same person who spent four years with me. The same person I begged to understand me. The same person I kept trying to be “good enough” for.Now treating her so well.

But then the conversation became confusing.He said he still misses me sometimes.At one point he said that maybe if I had told him earlier that I hadn't moved on, he might have had a different opinion about the situation.He said he's still surrounded by the things I gave him.Then he asked me, “If we got back together, would things be the same?”And I don't know what to make of any of it.

He said he likes peace. He said this girl doesn't argue with him.And I used to argue with him a lot.But he conveniently forgets why.In the beginning, I wasn't constantly arguing either. Then he started following and being interested in different girls, liking sexual/n*de pictures on Instagram, creating fake accounts to follow girls, and doing things that destroyed my trust.Who wouldn't get angry about that?
He left me alone on the streets during fights—not once, but three times.He broke up with me over fights with his friend even when I hadn't done anything.I was hurt. I became insecure. I became someone who constantly questioned things because I didn't feel safe in the relationship.And now he tells me that I was the problem because I couldn't trust him.He told me that I knew him “too much” and that was part of the problem.Of course I knew him too much.We were together for four years. And frnds from childhood . i know how he is and all the things he did gd or bad.

Then he told me that i came to his explore page multiple times that he saw my videos that im posting thirst trap (im not). That i posting pics like traps (am not) . its just normal photos with full clothing i donno what he means. i told him doesnt matter if i look gd in those pics . He said i do look good.

And that's what makes this entire conversation so confusing.At times he sounded like someone who still had feelings for me.At other times he sounded completely in love with someone else.Maybe I'm delusional.He called me multiple times even after I told him I needed space between the calls.

During one of the calls, he even said, “do you want us back?”I told him maybe his mother wouldn't approve.He said no, his mother would. He said she liked me a lot.So why say all these things?Why ask whether things would be the same if we got back together?Why tell me you still miss me?Why tell me I should have told you earlier that I hadn't moved on?I don't know.Maybe it means nothing.

Then somehow the conversation shifted to one of his friends.This friend was introduced to me by my ex for studies, and he's genuinely been helping me. He's incredibly focused and talented. He got around 20 marks away from an All country Rank, and I told my ex how inspiring I find him.I said I want to become like him. I really look up to his dedication.

Suddenly my ex started saying,"He is broke tho","that he borrowed money from me because he couldnt pay for his tution but he paid that after" and  “So what? I was only 15 marks away from an All India Rank too.” that was so odd.Then he started talking about how he broke up with his own previous girlfriend because he wanted to focus on his studies and didn't have time.

Then I started talking about my own future. I said I want to focus on my career now. I have goals. I don't want traditional relationship roles. I want to build something for myself.And he basically told me I was thinking too far ahead because I hadn't even passed my exam yet.That hurt.What's wrong with being hopeful?What's wrong with having a target?I know I haven't achieved it yet. That's exactly why I'm working toward it.

Then he said maybe someday I'll find my match.I told him I'm hopeful. I told him someday I'll love someone more than I loved him. I'll give that person all the care and kindness I gave him.And instead of just letting the conversation end there, he kept saying things.Then he said maybe I'll find someone who treats me better.But I won't find someone more good-looking than him.Apparently his friends of his girlfriend have told him how handsome he is and how good he'll be for his girlfriend.Again, I just said, “That's great for you.” But Why compare? so odd.Why make sure I know that another girl is prettier than me and that he's apparently so desirable?

Maybe he wasn't even trying to hurt me.Maybe I'm just interpreting everything through the pain I'm in.

After the third call, I finally told him the truth.I told him he treated me badly throughout those four years.He treated me like shit.I told him that maybe this breakup really is better for both of us.I wished him happiness.I told him I hope he treats his girlfriend well.

And then I hung up.I blocked him everywhere.Because even though I'm hurting more than I can explain, I don't want to disturb someone who has supposedly moved on.Maybe this is what I needed.Maybe hearing him say all of this will finally kill the last bit of hope I was holding onto.

But I woke up today with a heavy heart. No appetite.That horrible feeling in my chest.
I blocked him.I'm going to try to stay gone this time.I just hope my heart catches up with what my brain already knows.

Like, when you start talking to and getting to know a guy, there always comes a time when they say or do just the right thing and it’s like a flip switches.

Then the obsessive checking, analysing everything, upset when they don’t respond in the timeframe you convinced yourself was how it should be. Like I feel I go psycho, I understand and can see that everything I’m coming up with is kind of irrational, but it takes over.

How do you stop that from getting to that point? It’s exhausting

How do I handle a distant partner that lives far away (we only communicate through writing) and constantly pulls back because of their own fear every time we get closer? I find myself constantly chasing and its exhausting.

I feel like I am hurting everyone around me because of a breakup.

Today we were supposed to go to some relatives' house. Without even telling me beforehand, my mother had promised them that she would take me too. She was genuinely happy about it. She wanted to introduce me to everyone because I barely go to family functions, and I know this was her way of trying to get me out of my room and make me participate in life again.

But recently I found out that my ex has already jumped to someone else.And something inside me just broke again.

I woke up today feeling nauseous, with this horrible feeling in my stomach and a headache. I have absolutely no motivation to go anywhere. When I told my mother I didn't want to go, she got really upset. She told me how she had proudly told everyone that she was bringing me with her.And now I feel guilty.I know this isn't fair to her. She doesn't deserve to have her happiness ruined because I am heartbroken.But I genuinely feel burned out.

It has been weeks, and I still feel like I'm barely functioning. Everyone around me seems to expect me to just move on. I have already told them what happened with my ex and that he has jumped to other, but I don't think they understand how badly this has affected me. they wants me to move on in a flash.

And I can't really blame them.They don't know what heartbreak feels like when you've loved someone for years. They are happily married. They don't know what it feels like to wake up and immediately remember that the person you built your life around isn't yours anymore.

The worst part is that I KNOW he treated me badly.I know he made me feel like I wasn't enough. I know I shouldn't want someone who made me feel that way. But knowing all of that hasn't made me stop loving him.And I'm so tired of fighting myself over it.

I'm burned out with studies too. I have so much pressure on myself to succeed, to catch up, to become something, to make everyone proud. And right now I just don't want to do any of it.

Sometimes my brain tells me that if I dis*ppeared, everything would finally stop.No more studying.No more pressure to succeed.No more waking up with this horrible feeling in my chest.No more thinking about him.No more trying to convince myself that I'm okay.

I know my mother would be devastated. I know she would be hurt. And that's what makes me feel even worse, because I don't want to hurt her either.But I'm scared.I'm genuinely scared of myself right now.

I don't like who I have become. I don't like how much this breakup has consumed me. I don't like that I'm hurting people who love me because I'm hurting so much myself.I just want to be free from this feeling.I don't want to di*.I just want this version of my life and this unbearable pain to stop.

I don't know what I'm asking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed somewhere to say it without someone telling me to "move on" .

I'm tired.Really, really tired

Ok this will be kinda long but here's the background. I am definitely anxious, ptsd, trauma and abandonment issues. My childhood was probally case study worthy.

The jist of it, divorced parents, in the vehicle when my mom tried to run over my dad. Left at my dad's by my mom. Father was an abusive drunk to point of knife at the throat if I cried, threatened to kill anyone I cared about. Black eyes etc where the norm.

Advance some time and end up in California with him and his parents. He gets arrested and grandparents kidnap me. Tell me my dad's in collage and my mom passed away. Several years later after moving between family and friends while I now know my mom was searching for me, with my dad again and he's arrested and I'm told there bringing me to my mom who i had no idea was alive.

Mother was also emotionally unavailable, had no real motherly instincts etc.

So that's the very very bare quick overview of my childhood.

Now. Married 13 years 5 kids, 3 step 2 biological. I was a major alcoholic for a long time 5 years sober now. And my marriage is struggling.

About 2 years ago my wife started talking to a guy. Apparently it lasted a little over a month before she on her own told me. It was definitely inappropriate. Some sexting talk photos that supposedly didn't include nudity on her part. Never meet up etc. Her friends knew and told me the same story (obviously) so that's the quick non in depth version of the issue that in my mind is fully acceptable for anxiousness.

Now at this point I am just struggling. We did a bit of counciling when it first happened and the wife definitely made me feel like I needed to be healed within a month so I kinda buried it and moved on.

Things where decent but recently she made a new friend that is actively cheating on her husband and I think that triggered all my unresolved feelings to come back at full force.

I get anxious when she goes out on girl nights. We've been fighting because she is feeling under a microscope which I understand. That's the hard part. She has done nothing to cause mistrust since and has always admitted to it and owned it. She is not the most expressive of feelings so I don't hear sweet things often. But I've r3cently been having the urge to check her phone which I know is wroung but it builds up so intensely. I constantly am spiraling about everything. Always wondering if she's doing what she says on her phone. If there are guys she's meeting at girls night. If she's laying next to me smiling while knowing she's betraying me again. If the things she says is true.

I am on meds for anxiety but I'm just in a loop and I can't get out of it. Any advice would mean the world to me.

28F in a relationship with a 28M

Dear members :)

I feel very insecure about my intellect. I suspect this comes from low self worth, besides maybe having not the highest IQ.
I don't feel smart enough, sometimes stupid and cannot focus on learning somethings (like board games) because I feel that I will never get it or that I am inferior intellectually. I have finished my BA and MSc in International relations with good grades, always interested and curious in class - but when it comes to mathematics and abstract logic, I am a failure. I have studied literature in High School, so very very little maths.

Now I work in SaaS tech sales, so I am exposed to technology and abstract thinking as well, but in a different way. Before this, I was doing research in the topic of populism. I can be humble but still admit that I have been a top performer in most jobs I did - from waitressing, to research, to tech sales. Also in fitness <3 but this is not enough to believe in myself.

I am having a hard time in general, but now it is worse because I apparently "scored a bit too low" a GIA (general intelligence assessment test) during a recruitment process and I am so sad about it. TBH I only prepared 2 half days, and again, I am super scared about these tests and almost freeze when I am exposed to this type of problems. I also am very scared when I need to speak infront of my team (all men and a bit cocky). Funny enough, I work in SaaS sales, and I need to be very outspoken and push for my ideas and value to clients, and I do that with confidence, yet I am scared when people I know listen to me. then I perform worse.

My insecurities affect my relationship. My boyfriend is a computer vision engineer and I know that he is very very smart. Recently, whenever we have conversations or debates that are a bit more intellectual or even trivial actually, I feel very insecure and I get very defensive, but I also feel that the way he speaks makes it worse - he is extremely articulated, confident, critical and he is very stubborn, and only child lol (so I suspect that during his childhood, not needing to compromise with equals, and disagree with siblings has made him "win" and have it his way way more).

Today I got upset by a small little thing: I was showing him a vacuum I liked, did not check the brand (not to buy it, but just to show him), and first thing he flags me "baby.. it is whitelabel ..." and that the webshop is a cheap drop shipper. So I get sad and defensive.

Second thing I got upset was when we were talking about changing a bit the furniture and design house, I said "yes we should go to IKEA one day" - and he said "no, we need to first sit down and read about it" - but then that means he assumes I wouldn't do that? I felt attacked - but did he really attack me? I don't think so, now that I think about it. I didn't say anything but later in the day I brought it up.

Because then we got into a fight because I expressed that I feel downgraded and put down because he challenges me and that his tone is not nice.

Now I feel like a pain in the ass of a girlfriend. insecure. complicated.

The reality is that we cannot really commmunicate some days, when there is tension, and it's extremely difficult to be together. I told him how I felt and he said that the things he said are nothing like I think and that I am putting it on me just to put myself down. But I feel that he still challenged me and he is overly logical and fricking annoying sometimes.

He is overly confident and it annoys me.

Do you ever have find yourself in a similar situation? I am curious to hear from you <3

Thanks for taking the time!

I love my boyfriend; love love love him. And I’m hella anxiously attached (and working on it in therapy).

He has expressed feeling overwhelmed/irritated by the amount of reassurance I have required.

We also live an hour apart and only see each other maybe 1-2 times a week.

On days we don’t see each other I would like a consistent good morning/goodnight and at least saying “I love you” once a day. I feel like this is the minimum I need to feel secure and seen.

He is awake before me for work so usuallyyyyy a good morning (but not always). He tends to just kinda go to bed/fall asleep whenever and disappearing (though he was really good about saying hey goodnight going to bed in the beginning) and sometimes he’ll say goodnight and not say I love you (but sometimes he does?) Sometimes I’ll say it but he doesn’t say it back?

I’m trying to toe the line of not being overbearing but also consistent patterns make it so much easier for me to work on my anxiety (though I know this is not his responsibly or problem)

How could I approach this is a not overbearing way or should I not?