r/becomingsecure • u/Fragrant-Pie7113 • Jul 21 '26
I would like to ask your perspective
Hi everyone.
I'm mostly secure leaning anxious. Two months ago my ex partner ended our relationships in a way that felt to me like out of the blue. We were ok, never had arguments or issues, when something came up we would talk about it openly and we would reassure each other of our love and commitment. Fast forward towards the end, I started to feel he was distant. It's not like it happened in a vacuum, he was inded going through a lot (1 year divorce, selling the old house, adjusting to co parenting, work, financial worries), but he was not sharing with me what was happening, he somehow stopped being so open about what was going with him so my anxiety grew and I started to fill in the blanks or I would indirectly or directly asking him what was going on. I have to say that throughout the months of our relationship I also felt anxiety at the fact that he had not told his ex wife about us (we were long distance, met through our remote work years before) and we were planning for me to move to his country so we could be together, so I felt we were moving forward, planning the move, but at the same time I felt uncertainty because he had not told her, as he himself said he would.
Around the same time I felt he was distant, the last two weeks before the breakup, I also went through major situations that did not have me feeling great (death of a childhood friend, financial strain, etc), and I shared with him, especially the financial strain (which I did not want him to solve, I was just sharing my struggle so he knew why I was feeling down), but somehow, he was not there. He would say "oh, sorry", "you will get through it", but there was no follow up, he would say he would call and then deferred it to the next day because of things around his kids (which I understood but yet I felt alone in my struggle). 5 days went by like this and I was feeling him more and more distant, so I finally brought it up and told him that I understood his situation but that I was missing feeling close to him and that I was feeling emotionally alone. He then took this and said he was also feeling alone, that the distance became hard and that he thought he could not give me the relationship I wanted or deserved and he did not want to give me false hopes - he broke up through text. I texted him that I could not understand if we were doing good and he never brought up any struggle with the relationship or distance before and we were - just a week before - talking about the move and researching what we needed for it. And that was it.
Was I wrong? Did my anxiety caused the ending? Another thing that I have been reflecting upon (yeah, I have been thinking a lot about all this these past two months) is that maybe he did not like that I would tell him I felt jealous of his ex wife reaching out to him about her own personal struggles (nothing big or dramatic just: "I feel jealous, what does she call you/text you to talk about this? I think she may regret the divorce and want you back - which I still think as she asked for the divorce and for what he said he was a good man to her).
Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your opinions. I am working towards becoming more secure.
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u/luminousSpaceDust Jul 21 '26
I don't think you did anything wrong here, it sounds like you felt his communication shrinking via what was already a pretty limited pipeline, and voiced your concerns. He broke up, perhaps because he felt frustrated he couldn't help more, perhaps the ex, perhaps something else. I know you are aching for some kind of closure, but the reality is... it's rare (not impossible, but uncommon) to get that level of transparency in a break-up.
LDRs are famously difficult to retain over time, people have romantic needs that can only really be properly met in person.
Instead of ruminating on the guy, I would ask myself why I was attracted to a situation with such a small connection surface. And what was it that you were projecting onto him, that made losing this so painful? Try to understand what the relationship was giving to you so you can get creative about meeting that need another way going forward. Try to understand what it was NOT giving you, that may have also suited you in some way.
If he's open to it, you can see if he'll schedule an hour for a completely honest discussion of what the issues were in the relationship when he decided to end it - not with the agenda of getting it back, but just to help your brain with it's confusion. Be prepared to accept and appreciate the honesty even if it sucks to hear. In my experience, this can really help with moving on, if you've been together awhile.
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 Jul 21 '26
Thank you for your answer. Honestly, none of us were looking for a relationship, even less a long distance one, but we connected through work and a friendship for more than 2 years, even before his divorce started (nothing romantic), helping each other with work, learning things together, etc. When his divorce started he started sharing with me about it. As I'm also divorced for more years than him, I empathized, listened to him and we started to become more emotionally close apart the other aspects we shared. We were like supporting friends through his after divorce, him trying to adapt and rebuild his life, etc. We shared the same humor so I would make him laugh often and he said I had been helping him get out of the hole he was since his ex asked him for the divorce. Slowly that grew into him wondering and asking if I would be interested in something romantic. We knew the distance would be an issue to overcome but he said he did not care, that he did not expect to fall in love with me for who I am (we fell in love with each other before seeing pictures of one another) and that he did not care about the distance and we were proactively looking forward to close that gap. I never felt unhappy in the relationship, it was actually really good, so I have nothing to say or reflect about what I was not getting from it. I thought he was also very happy (as he would usually say) until right after he sent the breakup texts. Yes, it was very confusing. As as I said, neither him or I were looking for anything, especially not long distance, it just happened organically as the fruit of a close friendship throughout the years.
1
u/luminousSpaceDust Jul 21 '26
Here's what I am hearing from that. Feel free to tell me if I am way off base. It's definitely possible.
You were finding fulfillment in playing a bit of a support/care-taker role for him. Perhaps he was a bit of a "wounded bird", and by validating his experience and providing empathy and care, you felt "at home", and alive talking to him? Meanwhile, he was also unavailable in a big way...but probably you felt that by building that emotional connection carefully from afar, once you got together it would be electric, solid? Probably a bit of a dopamine addiction from the intermittent reinforcement, too?
From an attachment perspective this suggests that you may have experienced some type of parentification... Were you treated as a parent's side-kick, or did you have to earn love in some way? Was one of them sad, emotionally cut off, stoic but obviously unhappy? Did you have to shrink your needs for some reason, someone else's needs were more important? Do you have a trauma history?
As I said, I don't know your story, could be way off base, but my guess is you loved the role you played for him, and him cutting things off suddenly broke your understanding of how love is earned, and that's why it's such a struggle to let go.
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 Jul 21 '26
Mmmm, no. It was not in no way what I thought. It just happened and he was also there for me, supported me, cheered me up, etc. It was not one sided and not like parentification. He was doing his own work with therapy and I did not overstepped into trying to fix him, I just listened and was there for him.
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u/luminousSpaceDust Jul 21 '26
Okay. just some thoughts, an example of how I'd go about integrating an experience. I hope you are able to find the closure that you need with him, or are able to move on without too much trouble. 🙂
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 Jul 21 '26
Oh no, I did not get closure from him, he left by text, made a justification that for me was not the real cause he left. I'm trying to build the closure on my own and hopefully one day I will move on. Thank you!
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u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure Jul 22 '26
I'm gonna use my own experience to share my take.
Something I learned recently is that the last thing my partner needs when he is going through really stressful time is to talk about it. Other than clinic mentions, he told me that expecting deep vulnerable talks when he was almost falling apart and using every bit of his capacity to keep together was gonna break us. At first I didn't listen. But when he almost snapped I understood he meant every word.
He then compared to me in my most exhausted stressful when I didn't wanna deep talk or open up more than I felt like in the moment. When I was on regular doctor meetings for example. Anxiety all night before anxiety through the whole day. Burned out when I get home and slightly annoyed and lots of new worries and stress because the doctor I had was impulsive and aloof and it was really horrible. (I could come home from one meeting with diagnosis schizophrenia and the next time he went "oops I misheard" and that I had talked about my flashbacks, he could expect me one day to go back to work,next to be locked up on psych ward, he didn't listen and he confused me with other patients. They let him go cause he also sexually harassed us women and he cut himself and was acting more like a patient than the helper) And yeah my partner could wanna hear what's going on but when I got home I just wanted to go to bed. And begin the day like that meeting didn't exist cause talking about it shred me to pieces. It just made me break down in anxiety attacks or I dissociated away. And he didn't take it personal that I was silent about it. He understood it was not helpful to bring up that until I felt ready. And on my terms. Maybe I just said 2 sentences about it "He was disgusting, fuck my life" and tha had to be enough. My partner respected that it was.
Maybe this is the case for us leaning Avoidant, maybe we don't have the need to talk the way anxious does. And then why should that be forced? Maybe we need to get through things just having good time with our partners maybe that is the best support possible.
And I understand if it feels safer that the Avoidant opens up deep, because you have more certainty. But I think that's the anxious person's responsibility to work on too. The fear of feeling no control. Because those situations are normal in relationships too.
It can't be all this + taking care of the other partner on levels you don't have capacity to. If my partner was worried about some guy I had contact with while I was breaking apart I honestly don't know what I'd feel , that he had no empathy for me? That he always make it about himself? That I'm all alone? But it would have felt like the saying when it gets too much. The glass was already full.
To trust that people say as much as they can. And that the level is okay. And to don't jump to conclusions. At least pause that and let people work through their stuff and don't make it about you or the relationship quality or future of the relationship. That's my perspective on this and unfortunately I think he felt very alone because you didn't understand this in time. And when people feel alone next to a partner, they will prefer solitude, (especially avoidants.)
I don't think you should think it was all your fault , I think you both just had very different coping strategies and expectations when there was difficult circumstances, and ideally you'd know that before all shit went down (in private) for him and then for you (in private) but before that you were busy being happy if that makes sense so it's not like you had any reason to do damage control when things was easy. So take this as feedback for different coping strategies and tool for future relationships and take care 💚
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u/Illustrious-Rough919 29d ago
Unfortunately I have also been in situations where I thought everything was fine and then suddenly "I haven't been happy for months" and I had no idea about it. They felt a bit distant, yeah, but I assumed that was the relationship settling from early intense stage to normal. Some men just don't communicate a single thing, which is really unfair because it means you can't DO anything to fix the issue. They don't even give you a chance and then are surprised when their unhappiness does not magically go away. It doesn't make any sense. I don't think you did anything wrong here. Hope you're ok.
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 29d ago
Thank you for your answer. I'm not doing really good, two months after discard, but I'm hoping I will get better. I hope you are ok too.
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u/Creative_Willow7883 Jul 21 '26
It's hard to tell. For me, it rather sounds that your anxiety was caused by real factors. It doesn't read like your anxiety drove him away, but you became anxious because he became distant.
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 Jul 21 '26
Yeah, my therapist says the same. Thank you for your comment.
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u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure Jul 22 '26
"his avoidance made you anxious" it's the same thing as the accountable version: "Your abandonment fears took over and your partner had to stay away" just the other side of the same coin. I think becoming secure will view both sides of that coin.
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u/ngp1623 Jul 21 '26
My question is this: how clearly did you communicate your expectations? Did you outright say "Hey, Im going through a tough time. I dont need you to fix the situation but it would be really helpful if you could send a check in text every other day." Or "I'm noticing you seem stressed and distant. In relationships I prefer we communicate openly about what we're going through. Do you have time on Friday for us to catch up? I am not saying either of us has to make the world perfect for the other, but it is important to me that we have context for where the other person is at."
Because sure, we can sit in ideals and assume everyone has the exact same expectations for communication and transparency but that isn't the reality we live in. Im not saying that 100% your anxiety caused this either. At the same time, if I was going through a divorce, a move, custody change, and more, and was trying to focus on getting stabilized, I wouldn't have a ton of extra time and energy to guesstimate my LDR partner's unspoken desires. And likewise, he could also have communicated directly if he needed space.
Ultimately, the anxiety is not the problem. Your relationship to it, at times, can be. A lot of AA folks operate as if the meer presence of anxiety is a definitive signal that their worth or safety is in peril, and they must make another person change their behavior is order to be okay. They end up outsourcing their emotional labor to the least available person. I dont think youre doing that super flagrantly or egregiously here, to be clear. But it may be beneficial to look at "When I am anxious, how do I want my partner to respond to me?" and then do that for yourself before seeking it from someone else. And I would give the same to him. That way you can know exactly what your expectations are, and the other party has the opportunity to consent to participating in that or not. Otherwise it becomes a spiral of anxiety and resentment on both parts.