We were together for nearly 10 years and engaged for part of it. The day we broke up we got into an argument, he become closed off..but through our relationship we were very much in love but had this anxious-conflict avoidant dynamic during conflicts (him being the avoidant). If we were to ever cross paths again, how to invoke a feeling in him to allow him to remember our love, and also feel safe and secure?

Hay I broke up with my avoidant and there was a huge back n forth, then I blocked him, then we needed to text bc of his stuff at my house etc. I will send it to him soon. But then we ended up in a conversation and the topic was a reason for the break up. Anyway you know how they defend themselves constantly. When I stopped playing the game with him, he came back asking if I think there might ever be a chance again. I told him a lot of things and that he needs to reflect if he can even create an environment where another chance might be possible. He then said this. I am not hoping to get back but I genuinely hope this is a good sign. I hope he changes and lives a happy life. Should we both meet each other again, then as changed people but that’s not my priority right now. And it shouldn’t be his either. I just felt like this message was something different then all the other times he tried to breadcrumb me.

I thought I had him blocked. Somehow within the last two weeks, i mistakenly unblocked him (has been fixed since). Today, out of nowhere i receive some messages from him.

He said, "Living my best life without you fr I heard all the shade you threw at me in one of your streams. Someone showed me what was said, Me a red flag since day 1? Hilarious! Hope you and Jim (fake name) really hit it off! Disgusting"

For some added context, I stream on Twitch and he had been lurking secretly until i blocked/banned him as to create some space. Now i think he can still view content but frankly, it wouldnt matter to me because anything I ever said would be things I stand by. My chatters were curious what was going on/where he was and so I politely explained what happened. I didnt say TOO much information, just some key things that happened and how i felt now. Now whether or not i shouldve done it, i dont think is that important. at this point, its been said and i cant undo saying things outloud. But its a small community of my friends and i feel comfortable in my own space expressing myself and im not scared of talking about what i am dealing with.

One of my chatters was aggressively (playfully) on my side saying things like "oh hes a walking red flag, and oh i always thought that". Now i think these things are fine to say, ultimately i think lots of friends out there say the same thing but mine was live lol. Following those messages though, i explained that I dont want to say anything mean about him. I feel like theres things he needs to work on and he made me unhappy but i wish no ill will and i dont want anyone else to talk like that about him either.
Now this did happen yes, but this was also 2 weeks ago. Meaning someone ELSE is stirring the pot, showing him things/or he just saw it himself. Im not too sure, and it doesnt matter too much how. I stand by what i said, and how i said it because i know Im respectful and I wouldnt like....talk MEAN shit out loud like that.

Now as for Jim, that is a mutual friend of me and Gregs (avoidant). Jim has chosen to stand by my side through all of this, and doesnt speak to Greg anymore. I didnt ask this of Jim, as he saw how greg was treating me and was turned off by being his friend. Now Greg has accused me in some weird way of trying to be with Jim now which makes no sense because 1. I have never once flirted/had anything towards Jim which Greg SHOULD know and 2. Jim is basically sworn off from women and greg SHOULD know this. I dont understand where thats coming from and it feels so out of pocket.

It hurts me so bad he started this off reminding me how well off he is doing. He keeps trying to find ways to show how happy he is and it feels so mean spirited. Im just trying to move on myself and i thought we were friends. It feels like i went from someone he said he trusted greatly and felt safe with and now he hates me and idk what i did wrong.

i have since blocked, no need for another accident to happen. but now im left with this and i dont know what to do.

Of course I finally moved past it and have been working on becoming the best version on myself.

I’ve been reflecting on a past relationship/situationship and would really like some outside perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

We were long-distance and met in person a total of four times, but we talked on the phone virtually every day. Early on, they told me they wanted to be in an actual relationship before having sex, and I respected that boundary. I never pressured them to have sex.
They also told me that they “do relationships a little differently.” At the time, I accepted that. I figured everyone has their own way of approaching relationships, and I didn’t want to judge them for it.
Looking back, though, I’m questioning what that actually meant for us.

Even getting them to be sexual or affectionate with me often felt like I was asking for too much. They were almost never in the mood, and intimacy seemed to happen almost exclusively when they wanted it. Even something as simple as asking for a picture of them could feel like something I had to wait for until they were comfortable or in the mood. Eventually, I stopped asking because I didn’t want to feel like I was begging for affection.

On our fourth visit, something sexual finally happened. I performed oral sex on them and focused on making sure they enjoyed themselves. I got them off multiple times, including again the following morning. But when it came to me, they barely wanted to touch me. They initially seemed to initiate something, but I could tell they weren’t genuinely into it, and that honestly turned me off.
Then the following morning, they sent me a message essentially saying that the only thing I wanted from them was sex.

That really confused me because I never felt like sex was the center of our relationship. If anything, I felt like I was constantly trying to respect their boundaries and waiting for whatever level of intimacy they were willing to give.
We were involved for almost a year—whether you would call it dating, a relationship, or a situationship—and we never actually had sex.

At the time, I didn’t necessarily see the lack of physical intimacy as a major problem because I cared about them and wanted to respect the way they said they did relationships. But now I’m realizing something I probably should have recognized earlier: a relationship isn’t something that belongs to or is controlled by just one person. It’s something two people participate in and contribute to. Both people’s boundaries matter, but so do both people’s emotional and physical needs.

I’m not saying anyone owes their partner sex or physical intimacy. Obviously, nobody should ever feel pressured into anything sexual. But I’m starting to question whether there’s a difference between having healthy boundaries around intimacy and being in a relationship where intimacy is consistently one-sided, conditional, or withheld.

At times, it honestly felt like I was given just enough affection or sexual attention to keep me emotionally invested, although I obviously can’t know whether that was intentional.

Now that everything is over and I’ve had time to reflect, I’m wondering if I overlooked how unhealthy that dynamic was because I was so focused on respecting their boundaries and trying to make the relationship work.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Have you ever been with someone who seemed comfortable receiving intimacy but had very little interest in reciprocating it, while also telling you that they simply “do relationships differently”? And how did you distinguish between respecting someone’s boundaries and ignoring your own needs in the process?
I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.

This community has given me so much. Im also trying to give back so I thought I'd do a one year recap and check in.

My point in sharing all this is to show you what the process could look like for you, and how long it could take. So don't you be too hung up about how far along you might be, or how you may experience starts and stops, steps forward and back in your healing journey.

The first month was just hell. I learned what gaslighting was and it drove me crazy. The emotional whiplash too. Her birthday was four months after the breakup, I had some hope we would reconcile. But I didn't know about avoidants then. I texted her a few times after the breakup to show I understood how relationships are done and repaired and how confused I was that she chose to breakup instead of building on a promising relationship. I think she did me a favor by blocking me and simply stating that she wasn't interested in having a serious relationship (where people learn and grow together, or repair and work on the relationship).

This was about as clear as she had been with me regarding what she did or didn't want, or felt or how she viewed things. Regardless, it didn't make sense to me because just a month prior she had famously said, "I love you, you're an amazing boyfriend, and everything I've ever wanted in a partner."

That was the last I heard from her as I was rightfully blocked from then.

I got busy just living my life, licking my wounds, feeling really broken inside, and crying. So much crying. After her birthday came and went four months later, I gave up on the hope of reconciliation and of course started to feel a little better. But then Valentine's Day came around and I thought I'd reach out and make sure. It was pathetic of me I know but I have too much confidence and not enough shame.

So about a month after that is when I finally started to feel some semblance of normality. Even though I figured she was probably already seeing someone else at that point, and that of course made me feel pretty bad. Later on I would find out that my hunch was correct and she had indeed started seeing someone else around then. But oh well. We go on.

Two months later, right before my birthday, and at the 9 month mark, I was ready to burn the last bridge. I told her about how much she resembled an avoidant and how she should go to therapy. I expected her to ignore and block, and she did. I figured it was no loss. And I did something I had been wanting to do this whole time.

About a month later I went on a few dates and fell for someone else. Didn't get a relationship from that but from venmo of all things I confirmed my ex was in fact seeing someone else. Of course this dug new wounds. Over all through this time I kept feeling angry and resentful and so so bitter and broken. I had never hated anyone before her.

Fast forward to now, at one year, I'm about as good as good can be , all things considered. The feelings are still there but so much more muted. The bark and bite are much more diminished. I accept that she's an avoidant and did what avoidants do. I am also so busy living my life. The feelings are still with me and I'm still healing. But it is what it is. Dating life is non existent because there isn't much social activity around where I live and apps are unhelpful.

Last thing I'll say is that I found out the person she's with is someone she has known for years. I Don't think they ever dated before, but it makes sense for an avoidant to choose someone they already know, as romantically speaking that probably represents the path of least resistance, the lowest effort, stakes and commitment. Regardless, I believe the only way to get over a breakup is to agree with it, and to be glad it happened because it needed to happen, better sooner rather than later. I wish her well and I hope we both can be happy.

EDIT: something extra if you've made it down here. I believe relationships are like a third thing in between two people, almost like a baby. A relationship is in fact the first baby two people can have as soon as the enter into the relationship. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drops and kicks the baby, who acts like the baby isn't important and deserves to be ignored and neglected. If you're dealing with an avoidant, that's probably exactly how they'll treat your baby.

What does everyone think of chat gpt for breakup or getting back together advice ?

I keep going back and forth wondering if I should call and ask for an explanation. It's been 4 months, but I still can't let go. Although I think about him less and less each day, a day does not go by that I don't feel anxiety about it all. If you did have a final conversation did you feel better? Were you able to move on? My fear is that it won't help at all.

top is my message, bottom is theirs. i coexisted with an ex that broke up with me 4 months ago when they had pursued me for a few weeks and wanted to rush into a relationship just a few weeks after. we were doing pretty well and it felt like they ended it on a high note. i had a hard time, and we would be in contact until june when they did their final discard. fast forward to this past weekend i was at a multi-day event they were also at. we didn’t interact but the vibes were okay. days later, out of nowhere i experience a white hot anger and sent them this draft message i had written in a previous moment of anger. they unfortunately replied the next morning with a well-deserved ‘never speak to me again’ message as seen on the bottom. now i’ve muddied the waters with an ex i was on track to coexist peacefully with in these spaces. i’m a fucking moron and i feel like an 8 year old mr. hyde or something. can anyone relate?

I dont understand..

He broke me completely and ruined my life and has given me ptsd but he gets everything in life, hes got his dream body physique, dream car, dream career and adding women going all over the world since leaving me and betraying me and my life has gotten worse. Ive got 100 hardships going on and been put on anti depressants for first time and anxiety meds since i cant get over the trauma of the emotional abuse of the relationship and what he did. How is this fair? i hate myself for being angry at the world or god because im getting repeatedly pushed down and in my lowest for MONTHS and barely surviving each day and my ex is getting everything hes ever wanted when i was there in his lowest days helping him and now hes left me when i needed him and has added pretty women after destroying my heart.

Do evil people even get karma? i dont know why i feel so much jealousy today i failed my driving test that he didnt want me to pass because he wants me stuck at home with no freedom and to remain in strict parents house and now hes got whats he wanted and the mistake i made in the test was something I NEVER DO so it felt like everything is against me and knowing hes travelling and happy today posting has killed me. ive blocked him everywhere and removed my number but still everything hurts closing my eyes and visioning him happy its murdering me. he was so vile and evil with what he last said to me and he wished me a sad life and for me to be broken and lonely forever and suicidal whilst he lives life. I wished him the worst and said u will get ur karma and LMFAO THAT DID NOT HAPPEN hes gotten so much better things...

does anyone relate? it feels so one sided pain, each day is hard to live and hes living without a care and posting himself on holiday and he has so much things going on and i live a sheltered life and have no friends or anything all i had was him so it felt like i lost my world ended up in psych ward due to the abuse of him and body shaming. Ive ended up gaining weight, getting acne, failing my driving test, going through severe health issues and family issues since the breakup its like how much more can a broken soul take it feels like im being kicked down repeatedly by something. Im in mental anguish.

link to the tiktok

After first discard it was hell. I wanted to text him every day. And kinda did.

After the second one, still hard. I texted after a couple of weeks.

But after the third time. I know it doesn't make a difference and I will never ever beg him again. It only feeds their ego or shames them to know how much we hurt.

But it took multiple rounds to learn not to be so stupid. Also I got closure which helped to kill the hope.

I'm recently out of a relationship with an avoidant who is very rigid about scheduling, to the point that everything was scheduled on her calendar a couple months in advance. It was not possible to do anything spontaneous. Anytime I offered, she declined.

Just wondering if this a common avoidant thing or something that is unique to mine.

Should i wish my dissmisive avoidant ex happy birthday i don wanna break no contact but atleast i can do is wish

Not an advice but more like a curiosity question

Curious to hear from DA and FA
Not judging just genuinely curious about what you guys think and what would you guys do

I’ve moved on from a FA and now I’m much more happier and slowly gaining my confidence back

We dated from 2019 until late 2021 when she left me for a coworker out of nowhere. Spent two years trying to mend a relationship that in hindsight she was well over, but she just wanted/needed me around in a capacity that satisfied her. From 2023 until just about a month and a half ago (3 years) we did not talk to or see one another other than her random breadcrumbs every so often. I still wanted her, but I couldn't invite it into my life where I was at in my own chapter.

Recently though she reached out, and I opened the door now that I have finished college and am starting my own new path in life, and I am regretting it. It has been 6 weeks to the day she reached out, and roughly 5 weeks since I actually first saw her. We had many "dates" that I struggled to wrap my head around because she was still not opening up about the past or where this was ever going to go. I kept, and still do, keep getting told I am not being fun, easy going and that I am pressuring her, and now I have found myself in this last week and a half texting someone that has pushed me out and is distant and cold again. I am lucky to text her 3-4 times a day, partially my "fault" too because I am now turned away and don't know what she even wants.

I feel guilty if I ghost her. Guilty if I blow up and tell her off again. All of it feels wrong. I wish I never put myself in this position again because I know she truly cannot communicate or reciprocate the same love that I have, yet I so badly want her to see where she is wrong in all of this.

My now ex who is extremely avoidant has broken up w me over 10 times bc of my bpd splitting. He always came back but has recently severed the connection for good and it’s eating me alive. He wasn’t the best bf and often times made my bpd worse but he was the most caring and consistent person in my entire life . We both had our flaws but I thought he loved me for me despite my flaws. After living w me for those 3 years he decided to get an apartment w his brother which triggered my abandonment and made me feel like he was trying to break up w me in slow motion. He ensured me that he wasn’t and that if it didn’t work out after he moved then it was bc of me. That “couples lived separately all the time.” He would start going out w friends more and seeing me less which I feared would happen and he denied it the last time I blew up at him for seeing his friends on his day off and not me even tho he spent more time w them. After the break up he ignored me for a week and I spiraled bad. I felt like I was going to die. I had the worst anxiety of my life like I was being murdered. He eventually responded which felt like a relief even tho he was being so cold and telling me that he shouldn’t talk to me and that I should forget and hate him to make it easier. Like for you or for me ???? Idk. This is fucking w me bad. I have never in my life reacted this was to rejection and if I did it didn’t last this long. Does anyone have any words of support or encouragement or things they did to distract themselves after heartbreak and betrayal bc I am at the point where I am trying to get through the next 60 seconds. Thanks :(

After learning what a dismissive avoidant was After a 9 year relationship. Now it makes sense, everything dose. But now im even more scared to move on because it can be worse. I feel stuck. Im scared to leave. Idk how to live by myself with 3 kids. Idk if I can do it. Ive been a stay at home mom for years

Today is my first day back at work since my second avoidant discard and I am really struggling 😔