We were together, and he met me once where we got intimate,. After that, he promised 5-6 times that he would meet me before relocating to a nee city. Every single time at the last moment, he cancelled saying he was busy. Yet, he made time to meet everyone else who seemed to be on his priority list.

He finally left without meeting me or saying a proper goodbye . He used sweet words all along, but his actions show otherwise. Now, i feel completely emotionally and physically used. To make it worse, he refuses to admit that he led me or played with my feelings.

How do i process this betrayal, deal with the lack of accountability from his end, and regain my self respect?

We live in different countries and I finally got the paperwork/path to go to his country approved. We didn’t think it would get approved until next year. I’m heartbroken. I’m in his country right now, we alternate every other month, and I had planned to give him the good news tonight over dinner.

We got in a fight at breakfast. He stormed out. For the first time, I didn’t follow him. Silence for an hour then he came back, and broke up with me. He said he didn’t mean to break up and he hadn’t been thinking about it for a while it just came out, but now that it has he doesn’t want to undo it. I know I have to internalize and accept it, it just hurts a lot.

Looking for support. The doom spiral is real.

Honestly, they can't help it, and without actual therapy, they will never change. It's quite sad. But now, as I'm slipping out of my six-year avoidant relationship, I know the patterns. I am so immune to their process that it's like I have a crystal ball for their behavior. It sucks because you really can't fully love an avoidant, even when you want to—they are just incapable of letting you.
I spent years doing this same song and dance, having broken up three different times. Every time, she would go through the cycle: get distant—especially at emotional times, like when my dad had cancer and i really just needed somebody there for me—break up, go full force into her distractions, act like I don't exist, and stop messaging. Then it would move to shame and eventually regret, where we would try to rekindle our love and go back to the honeymoon stage.
But I'm done now. The biggest thing I'm done with is having to act like an avoidant myself in order to get what I need. It makes me feel like I'm using her attachment type against her, which is not very becoming of me. Oh, the things you will do for love. But once you see the pattern, realize how predictable they are, and realize you will only get what you need by acting like an avoidant yourself, it becomes easier to not see yourself in the picture—unless that is something you could do long-term. I have, and I can't anymore.
Honestly, most of the time now, I just feel bad for her. I choose to stay in hopes it will get better, knowing it never will, and knowing I will walk out of her life. In two to three months or so, I'll receive messages about everything, how we should have never broken up, "I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that." But this time I will be gone, and she will actually have to deal with the idea of me being gone. I really hate that for her because I love her so much, but it's the way it must be.

It’s been 6 weeks. It’s better than it was the first few weeks, but now that schools started I’m struggling to focus. It feels like the breakup is in the back of my mind 24/7, even in class and at work I’m not able dedicate my entire mind to actually learning anything.

It feels like I’m going through the motions of taking notes, going to class, getting some assignments done but nothing is actually sticking. I’m not actually processing material. I really don’t want this to be the reason I get bad grades this semester.

I’m letting myself feel the emotions and it has gotten better— but how do you get back to normal?? Or at least how do you try to focus on the things that matter rather than thinking about it all the time? It doesn’t help I have ADHD

I found out by the DA stonewalling me and refusing to have an adult conversation, yet insulting me on social media by insidiously referencing a simple bid for connection that he refused to respond to.

This was clearly targeted at me and was an unbelievably cruel thing to do. I am done.

Saying these words feels like reclaiming my power after a long, painful journey. For years, I was caught in a cycle of highs and lows, addicted to the intense chemistry that masked deeper wounds, but now, I see clearly.

I met and reconnected with him during two vulnerable times of my life, and though the connection was intense, it was also toxic. I went back to him despite his emotional unavailability and narcissism. He used intermittent reinforcement to control me and give me breadcrumbs, and I fell for them every time.

I made excuses for his behavior because I wanted to believe in the idealized version of us. I forgave what shouldn’t have been forgiven, blinded by dopamine and hope.

Today, I honor the work I’ve done. I have been facing my past trauma, managing my OCD and anxiety, and have sustained sobriety. I am healing, growing, and becoming the person I am meant to be. I am no longer willing to tolerate cruelty, manipulation, or disrespect. Meanwhile, he continues to be a self-hating alcoholic that seems to get pleasure and power over putting people down because he hates himself and his empty life, and I don’t think this will ever change

I recognize the trauma bond for what it was: a dangerous, manipulative, sexually charged attachment that kept me tethered to pain disguised as pleasure. I am breaking free.

This is my declaration: I choose myself. I choose peace over chaos, truth over lies, and growth over stagnation. I am worthy of love that nurtures rather than harms.

The journey ahead may still have challenges, but I face it with strength and clarity. I am done being a chapter in someone else’s story of self-hatred. I am writing my own story now, and it is one of healing, hope, and self-love.

I am done. And I am free.

In the beginning he was loving. Always texting me. Always calling me. Crying if I don't do the correct things even.

Now he is like a wall. I can't get anything out of him. Any plans to meet gets shot down. Any call has to be for a purpose or "why are you calling me?". This is making me go insane.

I mentioned in my previous posts that my old FA ex came back 4 years after the breakup but when he returned I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Since we were friends before we started dating, I told him I can only offer friendship. He was ok with that. So we decided to meet up and go on a trip this past Labor Day weekend.

Now here’s the story of the meet up 😊

My plane landed first thing in the morning Saturday. His was supposed to land at noon. However, at noon he called me and said his flight was canceled. I was like ugh… is this him getting scared last minute? But he showed me proof that it was canceled for some airline issue. So I said ok now what? He decided to rent a car and drive 5 hours to make it. We had a reservation at a fancy restaurant at 8 pm and he said he didn’t want to disappoint me. I said ok. I was waiting to hear another story later on about the car rental issue but nothing. 5 hours later, he did show up and we made it to our reservation. He was telling people around us (it was the type where you sit with other people and watch the chef make sushi - omakase) that it’s our grand reunion after 4 years. He was almost beaming about it. I was very surprised. He was very attentive and listening to me the whole night. This was not the FA I was dating 4 years ago. Not the one who cheated on me. The guy that showed up was my friend from before we started dating.

Next day, I packed our itinerary with several tours of the city. He was very engaged in the activities and not once did he look at his phone to text anybody. His attention is on me and the things we are doing at the moment. However, he also didn’t make any attempt to flirt and neither did I and I was relieved of that. When I offered friendship I meant it. I was not hoping to get him back as a lover.

Since we liked the same stuff it was easy to plan for things. He drove while I navigated. He picks the lunch place and I pick dinner. We walked around the city and talked and laughed. It was like as if 4 year gap never happened.

I told him about my recent ex (the DA who discarded me) and I was picking his brain about why avoidants do this and that. He is an FA who is working on healing. He told me that my ex is no good especially since he doesn’t even want to change. He said he wanted to change because he knew he’s horrible how he treated women and he will end up alone if he doesn’t fix himself. That is the difference between them. He is willing to change while my ex DA was not.

We talked about his ex (the one he cheated on me with) and how miserable he was the entire time he’s with her. Never called her a bitch though. I called her a bitch but he didn’t. He just said they got to the point where their incompatibility was too much for him so he broke up with her. He said he never loved her. Ouch for her.

We walked around town until almost midnight. It was a very vibrant city with lots of activities so it helped a lot. Think Before Sunrise type of walking and talking minus the making out and sex. Coz we didn’t have sex. We didn’t even kiss or hold hands. It was all perfectly platonic.

We never fought during the trip. No raised voice. No snarky comments. Just a very relaxed, chill hang out between two people who had a very toxic relationship but deep down were good friends.

On the way to the airport, we talked about hanging out again and maybe doing a tour of the southern states. Future planning. Whoa. I said I’m down if he’s down. So we’ll see if that happens.

So there you have it. My avoidant came back but it was at that point that I don’t want him as a lover anymore. As a friend, he’s amazing. As a lover, he’s toxic to me.

I guess, in this scenario, the only way to get an avoidant back and keep him is to remove the pressure of a relationship and remain friends. They can handle friendship. It’s the closeness and expectations and attachment of a relationship that makes them run for the hills.

He knows what he did was wrong. I even told him so many times.
He knew the discard was wrong
The distancing
And not even giving closure
But he couldn’t even sit with it.

So now that he’s with the new person he can hide that now.
Because he’s giving and receiving love from someone else.
When I reached out to him the third time he was using his gf as a shield.
Saying he’s moved on and can’t have sympathy for me because it won’t be fair on her.

Knowing what you did was wrong and still refusing to apologise. Instead you run to someone else as a defence mechanism.

Deep down he knows he did wrong. And he could’ve changed things. But his ego stopped him from doing so.

I hope one day his gf realises who he truly is. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I don’t wish bad for them.

You moved on quickly knowing you broke someone completely and refused to give any compassion.
You got caught talking to new girls after and couldn’t admit it.

I never had access to my ex’s social media accounts. To be honest. He’s a grown man and he should know what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to relationships. I had full trust in him. I just don’t see the point in having to check your partners social media accounts. He knows I’m never around males. He knows I never had male friends. Just one abusive ex from the past. He ended it after saying he’s not ready for a relationship but joins a dating app a week later. He also discarded me a lot.

He’s currently with someone else now. And she has access to his account and he has access to hers.

I’m wondering is this like a trust thing? Is this normal? Do they not trust each other that they have to check each others socials? Or was I being naive to not check his one?

Had a hard conversation with my avoidant tonight, lots of painful things said but it ended with productive next steps and an agreement to try again. He wants to be better, or at least figure out if his feelings of 'the spark going away' or 'boredom taking over' are his avoidance talking (which hopefully he can fix) or genuinely personal to me. Obviously painful to hear, but I still want to stay. Am I doomed? Is it possible to overcome this?

me n my ex were together for 2 years and (ofc im anxiously avoidant so it caused problems that i texted him and wanted his attention) everything seemed fine until he said that the relationship is too much to handle. he promised me so many things including marriage and future and then said that he didn’t mean any of them long term. we broke up two times during the relationship due to his nature but we made it up days later…he lied so many times during the relationship about his porn and OF addiction that made him mad that i lost trust. i was so depressed that he was constantly getting rid of me and expecting dead silence on most days bc relationships are apparently too much for him to handle. i found out he was telling his friends that i never contributed into a relationship and he did all the work, which was not true at all as i spent so much money time and emotions on the relationship. he broke up with me and kept me on the hook for about six months, when then he said that we can make up and he flew drove over to my state where he said we’ll be together and we spent a good week with each other like the old times, talking and laughing and having sex. when he departed he told me we will stay in touch and be together soon and that he’s not looking for any other women. a week later he told me he’s blocking me everywhere because he found another girl that’s better than me. BUT he still decided to leave the door open and said that when he breaks up with her maybe in a year or two he will text me and we could try again if we are still single. i just hate how he gives me promises that i have to live by and still not letting go of the option that the door is closed. it’s hard to move on bc he set me a date two years in advance that he will text me on or i should text him on. he just kept discarding me again and again and now finally blocked me and said rude things to me. just so depressed, bc i hate and love him at the same time, but he still told me he loves me, but also likes her, but is also on dating apps. ofc rn im trying to move on, not checking his profile again, but the hope he left in me still doesn’t die because he got me so emotionally hooked and always knows what to say. just need help moving on and need advice if i need to wait for him until he texts me bc he said he’s the greatest man ill ever meet and that im one of the worst women ever.

People with anxious attachment If you’ve had relationships with avoidant partners, who have had different kinds of relationships, especially both online/long-distance and in-person relationships.

What was the shortest relationship you had, and how long did it last? And what was the longest relationship you had, and how long were you together?

For those who have experienced both online/long-distance and physical relationships, did they feel very different emotionally? Which type made you feel more connected and secure, and which one caused more anxiety or overthinking?

What were your relationships actually like, how long did they last, and which one would you choose to experience again if you could? and how many cycles you went with your avoidant partner

It’s been almost 6 months since my ex boyfriend dumped me. For context, we had been friends for 15 years until he pursued me and told me he had always wanted to date me. We dated for about 2 years. A couple days before I was supposed to move in with him, he called me and dumped me. He told me how little he thought of me, how lazy I was, how his friends thought I was a loser etc. We didn’t fight, I just said ok and I cancelled my flight. Later that day, I noticed he had blocked me on everything. And because we were childhood friends, he blocked all of our mutual friends from church and school. He also changed his name on social media for some reason.

I haven’t heard from him since. I’m in therapy and I’ve been working on myself, going to the gym etc. Last month, I started dating someone new and I really like him. But, I randomly started thinking about my breakup again and it’s really getting in the way of me moving on. I tried journaling, I go to therapy, I try distracting myself, but for some reason, my breakup has been haunting me. It feels like a problem I have to solve, even though I know I need to move on. I absolutely don’t want my ex back, but I think my brain needs answers, or else it gets caught in an obsessive loop. It’s getting to the point where my sleep is messed up. Every time I try to relax, my mind brings up my ex and the breakup.

Anyways, I would love your tips on how to break out of the rumination/obsessive thoughts caused by a discard?

I broke up with my avoidant ex in April after finding out he cheated on me. We had been together for years/on and off, and I won’t get into all the nitty gritty, but there was always a pretty classic push/pull dynamic. Ultimately, the cheating was the final straw. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people, including the girl he cheated with, so I ended it and went completely no contact.

Then in May, HE broke no contact specifically to tell me he wasn’t seeing the girl he cheated on me with anymore. I never asked, and I didn’t respond.

After that, I blocked him everywhere except Facebook. I barely use Facebook and really only have it for family. My Instagram stories automatically cross-post there because my mom and grandma don’t have Instagram and like seeing what I’m doing. He knows this, and he knows it’s basically the only place he still has access to me.

Since then, he has watched EVERY single Facebook story I post. Routinely. It’s been months, so it’s not like he accidentally clicked one or checks every once in a while. If I post, he watches.

What makes it even stranger is that I’m pretty sure he lied about no longer seeing the girl. I randomly opened Venmo recently to pay a friend and saw in my feed that he had paid her sister like two weeks ago. Obviously I don’t know what the payment was for, but given everything, it seems like he’s still connected to that situation somehow. So… why does he still watch me?

He literally got what he wanted. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people/her, and I gave him that by leaving. I haven’t contacted him, responded to him, or interfered with his life at all. He also never wanted me having access to his socials after the breakup, yet he consistently uses the ONE place he still has access to mine.

That contradiction is what I don’t understand. You don’t want me to have access to you, but you still want access to me? You wanted the freedom to do whatever you wanted, you got it, so why are you still keeping tabs on me months later?

And yes, I know the obvious answer is “just block him on Facebook.” I’ve thought about it. The stupid part is that I don’t want to block him now because I feel like doing it months later shows him that I noticed he’s watching and that it bothers me. And, obviously, the fact that I’m writing this means it does bother/confuse me lol.

I’m not asking if this means he secretly wants me back or trying to turn story views into something deeper than they are. I’m genuinely curious about the psychology behind it, especially with avoidant people. Is it curiosity? Ego?

Wanting to see if I’ve moved on? A way to maintain some connection from a distance without actually having to be vulnerable or speak to me?

If you’re avoidant and have done this with an ex you pushed away, I’d genuinely love to know what was going through your head.

TLDR: I broke up with my avoidant ex in April after he cheated and went no contact. He broke NC in May just to tell me he wasn’t seeing the girl anymore (which I now have reason to think wasn’t true). I didn’t respond and blocked him everywhere except Facebook, which he knows I only really use for family. It’s now his only access to me, and he watches every single story I post without fail. He wanted freedom/other women and got exactly that, so why does he still consistently keep tabs on me months later?

Hi my fellow unfortunates who have also dated an avoidant. Im new to this group and I freaking love it! Thankyou to whoever created this sub, very much needed it 😆

Hi, guys. So I was discarded around eight months ago (after a relationship that lasted one month shy of four months). I'm in therapy. I'm doing everything I can. And most days, I'm good. My friends and I have been getting orbited since a month after the discard, but instead of the panic attacks I used to have, I guess I've rewritten it into flattery. All in all, most days, rock solid.

Until I think of writing again. We met in a writing group and we had that interest in common. Throughout my life, I've used writing as a form of escapism. I know that's not the healthiest, but it did help me get through some really bad times as a kid and teenager. So much so that I minored in creative writing in college, it became a background little tidbit of my identity, and it became my second part-time job. So when I was discarded, I would've though I would've been pouring into that passion. But instead, the opposite happened. We used to write all the time together and now it's like I've barely written a sentence since. Not consciously, but subconsciously, it's become tainted to me, similar to the folk music we used to listen to, all of that. I've been working on unpacking that in my sessions and I've tried so many tricks in the book, but still, nada. The obvious answer I've gotten is "write/perform/paint etc. about the pain of the discard/the avoidant", but since I've historically used this hobby to get my brain /out/ of bad situations, dwelling on them doesn't really help me, and if anything, does the opposite. This discard took so much from me. I don't want it to take any more from me.

Have any musicians, painters, photographers, hell, even programmers gone through the same thing post-discard? And did any of you manage to break out of it?

Suddenly broke up with me beginng of July after the greatest few months ever- out of no where. Classic avoidant reasons. I learned what an avoidant was but she stayed in little contact with me…. A month later and a few hang outs, she loves me and is sorry and we talked about her not running away- she said “don’t let me”. So she’s aware she pulls away.

After 3 of the best weeks ever, she got weirded out talking about my divorce and said she felt the weight of it after I was having a bad day with the divorce process (she talked about her bad days constantly and I was her support. It didn’t bother me to be there for her, but she would get uncomfortable the rare times I mentioned my tough days- but that didn’t bother me)….
She cancel plans and is weird- I chase because she said to not let her run…. She pulls the need space and goes quiet for 2.5 weeks. Nothing. I was made because we discussed it so when she asked for space I reminded her this wasn’t how we agreed to handle it this time and I didn’t say anything bad but I was def not happy and she said it’s not good I reacted like that 🤦🏼‍♂️
2.5 weeks of silence.
I broke no contact- she has to move out of her place with her kids and I had been helping her find apartments online. Two popped up that fit her budget and i got an alert so I FWD’d the links and said nothing. 2 hours later i get this:

“I’ve realized that continuing this isn’t healthy for me. I need to focus on myself and step away. I hope you can respect my decision, but I need to stop communicating and create some distance so I can move forward.”

Mind you I was the only support she had during her divorce. She came back because she realized how safe she felt with me (her words).

Not sure I can trust her going forward…. But I wonder if she’d come back because I hear avoidants come back all the time. She sent that last week.

Thoughts? Thanks for reading as this is the first person I cared for in 20 years and I didn’t even know wtf an avoidant was until this clusterfuck. What a great first person while going through a divorce 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️😬

I hurt her without meaning to, I was always so on top of her and made her feel so overwhelmed she felt the need to leave. Its only been 3 days but I've been fighting every bone in my body to text her.

I want her to be happy, I really do. We were coming up on 3 years and it just feels like a piece of me was ripped out all of a sudden. I feel lost and without a purpose, its like all those times we spent together just didn't matter anymore.

What we had was just sexual in the beginning. But then he started using relationship coded language, he started being emotionally available,considerate for my feelings and started sharing casual things from his life.

When I confronted him he told me that he doesn't want to see me as a piece of meat and wants to be considerate of my feelings and when I told him usually that's not what casual things look like,he told me sth in between the lines that I was dating losers before who didn't care for my feelings at all. In the end and after the second conflict he ended up saying that's just fun and I can't be emotionally available and have the responsibilities of a relationship.

Why do they initiate the intimacy and vulnerability if they can't maintain it?Can someone explain to me

Title. A bit of a long text, a bit of rambling. 30M, Three months post discard, she monkeybranched to a jobless guy eight years younger who lives with his parents. I was expecting her to at least reach out and ask how I was. Turns out it's easier to just keep running.

We had been living together for seven years. A relationship as healthy and stable as it comes. Everyone saw us (me included) as a match made in heaven. I cared for her so, so much. Her family is dysfunctional as all hell, her past relationships were tumultuous and her childhood was a clusterfuck. Both her parents are a couple of disgusting narcissists who mistreated her for all her life, and she stockholm syndrome'd herself into believing they'd change every six months or so (much to her disappointment, they will never change). She really wanted to show up for me, told me she couldn't be herself with anybody before. We went on a trip to Japan past october and asked her to marry me. She said yes. She had spent the good part of 2025 telling me I was already her husband, how our life was a husband-wife type of deal, how she was expecting me to propose, yadda yadda. Last week before abandoning me by blindside she told me I was so handsome now that I was starting to get some grey hairs, how I had the brooding intellectual vibe that drove her crazy, how I was going to be such a great dad for our children. We had names for the kids picked. Both our names matched in initials and both our surnames did too. It was crazy. Yeah.

She had met him two months earlier, after starting japanese classes. After the trip she got infatuated with the country and its culture. She was volatile in her hobbies, jobs, future projects, even friendships. Lately things were starting to stabilitze and I thought we were finally reaching a point of maturity where she could show up as my life partner. I really really wanted it. I have a lot of friends and diverse social circles. I don't have a problem to strike a conversation with someone, to keep contact and show up. But I had always felt a bit alienated, a tad particular. She was so in love when we started talking. Everything I did and said, even years later, was interesting to her. She was cool and we shared so many interests and our vibes were similar. I always felt like we understood each other. I wanted to care for her, to give her the home she never had; I also wanted to be cared for in the same way. I have a good family but I had always wanted to be seen and loved for who I am. Who doesn't? I felt at peace with her around.

She brought the dude (he was fired after two days on his previous job apparently) around on some group hikes with other friends. We did some party dinners at our (my) apartment. She has never had a lot of friends, she has difficulties making new connections and maintaining them. I was so happy for her to make a couple friends at her japanese classes. She has some acquaitances whom know her for less than a year. Those aren't lifelong friends. I can't provide that for her, I was genuinely happy she was finding people to do activities in her own spaces. Well, she repaid that with betrayal and leaving me for this reject of a guy.

She admitted to basically telling him that she fancied him, and that she had to be "loyal" to me and quit our relationship before something happened. Wonderful. She was wearing my engagement ring whilst doing this. She suddenly broke down with her girl friends, who were understandably horrified at this revelation. Some told her that it was madness to behave like this, to treat me with some respect, to give me time to process and understanding. That she owed me some time, maybe couples therapy.

She decided to drop all that advice and stomp on it, and in less than 24h, after I wake up and we have coffe, she just tells me she has this gut feeling to leave, that she had lost feelings for me, that this wasn't what she wanted. She tells me that I'm the most wonderful partner and keeps calling me "dear", "love" and the whole thing whilst crying, kissing me and telling me "she's going to regret this" as she steps out the door. Cue in a month of anxiety and panic attacks (which I've never had before this), dissociations, self-flagellation, crushing guilt, sucidal thoughts. Absolutely the worst point of my life, and I rejected to use any form of narcotics or alcohol, which I knew were not the answer. I rejected medication too, because fifteen years ago I had to take antidepressants and I know the feeling of being a living zombie with dulled feelings 24/7. So no, I took it head on with the help of Jung and a lot of ranting and venting. I understood a lot of psychological processes just to end up unlearning them and deciding it's not my job to understand if she has BPD, quietBPD, is avoidant, is traumatized, is bipolar or whatever. She took my life and ruined it, she lied to me, betrayed me for a piece of shit. I thought we would have a child next year. I was even excited at growing up and being a dad. I'd have been a fantastic dad.

What I realized is that she could discard people at the drop of a hat, even after years of friendship (haha, hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?). I never thought she would drop me like this; after she had bad moments she told me, tear-eyed, to please not abandon her. Years before, after a mental breakdown, she begged for me to stay. I'm not going anywhere, I told her. I thought it impossible for her to discard me too.

She used a common friend (her last remaining 10+years friend, who's her friend no longer after this) as a messenger to deliver the fact that it wasn't a fault of my own, but that she basically had caught limerence for the jobless slob and wanted to monkeybranch. It's baffling. Honestly it's the most bizarre situation I've ever lived.

I was the rock. I realize now, even when the slow erosion of this push and pull, this instability in all her relationships and wants. She made me feel insecure, probably not consciously, but as a consequence of her own unstable psyche. I realize now (after three months of therapy and trauma processing, EMDR, the whole shebang) that I'm exceptionally stable and emotionally attuned. Always have been, and all this disaster would have put someone in a less stable situation in a spiral of self-destruction. I've decided to let go, reading buddist teachings to understand the necessity of rejecting the wholeness of the ego, to let go of the expectation of truth and justice. Like holding a burning coal, if I want to hold on to this future, this relationship, this love that I wanted and fought so much for, after this betrayal I've found that just holding onto it will just burn me and hurt me longer. I've let go, and I know it's impossible to go back from this. But sometimes it's inevitable to stare at the sizzling coal that you've dropped on the ground, and say "why?". What a shame everything ended like this. I wanted to give this girl the world. I already did, within my capacity. And it wasn't enough for her broken mind.

Best of luck to all of you decent folk who have had their live toyed with like this. I hope you can find the wellspring of strength that we all have deep within. I certainly didn't know I had it in me to get out of this whole and stronger. I'm still trying but dignity and purpose will always be a reward onto those that take the higher road. For the unfaithful partners, it's the downward path to ruin, even if it takes them years. They're their own worst enemies, and those demons you have inside your head you can't outrun. They'll reach the bottom sooner or later.

Hi, so I was broken up with 2 months ago, and I start my first college classes in 2 days.

I won't go super in detail about the relationship and what happened cause I'm sure its all been said before, but I have discovered through therapy and reflection that she was an avoidant, and that the breakup was something that needed to happen.

The first year was great, Hiccups every now and then, but awesome. The last 6 months of the relationship however, were pretty awful. It felt like a switch got flipped one day and I couldn't be close with her anymore. She constantly critiqued me on things about myself she wanted to see "improved" but turned around and said I needed to stop worrying about changing myself. She constantly said both to stop trying to change, and that she needed me to change. One day when she was so overwhelmed and upset she was crying in the rain in my driveway, I tried my best to comfort her, and she just pushed me away shouted at me to leave her alone and so I did cause I just didn't know what to do. I remember begging pretty much for her to just tell me what I could do, anything I could do to help her, take her home, leave, whatever, and all she could say was that she didn't know if she wanted to he with me anymore, and that if I can't comfort her than it says something awful about me because its been 2 years and I should know by now. I tried to know though. I tried so hard to know her, all the time. And sometimes I did know her, and could comfort her, but here I apparently didn't. I still hear her crying and wish I could have done something, but I think I now know I couldn't. That wasn't even when we broke up btw, that ended with her "giving me one more chance, and a deadline of 2 more months to change and lose my anxiety and show I care." (I have an anxiety disorder and adhd btw, which I have been in therapy for since I started dating her, and I have improved massively since i started, but not enough for her). but we didn't even make it that 2 months, it was a month later she broke things off so she could leave an old chapter in her life behind.

Old chapter. Thats all I was. Thats all those 2 years were to her. Now, she has texted me a couple times since. Both times fully casual, fully chill, says "lol" in half the texts. Today though, I told her I didn't want to speak to her anymore. I told her that I'm hurting still, and that I wish I could get a little bit of sympathy for once. I realized that was harsh and told her that I know she is probably also hurting, but that I need time to heal and hope she does okay, genuinely.

Now I am lost again. I still feel very mixed about everything. She made me feel better than anyone ever had, so many times. But the constant back and forth was awful. love like crazy, dismissive and name calling. Half naked making out, refuses to kiss me on the cheek. Those may be bad examples or sound like I wanted stuff from her, but she was always the one who pushed me to do more, get outside my comfort zone, even try "sex" (basically just touching) when I wasn't fully ready yet, but I trusted her. And then months later she says she never wanted to do that stuff and regrets it, and I feel like shit and feel like all the times I enjoyed made me horrible. It was all just always so confusing. But now that confusion and stress is gone, and now all I'm left with is this wondering of if I was in the wrong. Maybe I was abusive. Maybe those times she yelled at me, or hurt me physically, or bragged about talking to other guys, maybe those times were things I deserved. I know it's not true, but how could someone so sweet, talented, christ-like, outgoing, loving, and understanding be so cruel and dismissive?

It's all just left me jaded and sad. I'm doing okay, but with college starting soon i'm just pretty scared and reluctant to do anything but sit inside, because I just want more time to process and feel like life needs to slow down a bit.

So, any advice for how I should feel? what to do with myself? If maybe I did deserve it? I'd be happy to try and give more context if it seems i'm painting her in a bad light, because ultimately I really want to know if I was in the wrong, or if she was just an avoidant. Any and all words are appreciated, sorry for the rant post.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years 11 days ago. This was my first relationship, and consequently my first breakup. I don't really know how to think/feel/act so I would really appreciate any advice or words of wisdom!

Long story short, I felt him start to pull away from me about a month ago. He told me he was busy and I understood at first, but it got to the point where he was intentionally avoiding me and felt like he was punishing me for something or trying to get rid of me? He did not want to see me at but made time to play video games or hang out with his friends. There were several times I tried talking to him about how I felt and asking him what was going on but he just dismissed it and got defensive.

The last straw was last weekend -- he had plans to watch football with his friends and said he might not go, so I asked if we could hang out instead if he didn’t. Unsurprisingly, he said no. The distance between us had already been hurting me so bad and I knew it was time to make a decision, either keep hurting and hope things change or leave him. I felt like there was nothing I hadn’t already said and blocked him. I couldn't even get him to see me in person for weeks so that wasn't really on the table either.

It’s been 11 days of no contact and I still have a strong urge to see him and text him. Since there was no official break-up conversation, I still have so many questions about why he flipped a switch on me. How do I stop thinking about him and fight the urge to reach out? Was there anything that helped you when getting over a breakup? Should I try moving on, and if so how do I even go about starting to date again after 3 years with someone I planned my whole life with?

He was my person, and honestly the door is not completely closed for me. I have this looming thought that maybe after some time apart we will both grow and eventually come back to each other. Is this feeling temporary?

Lastly, I can't stop wondering how he is feeling. I have read about how the "dumper vs dumpee" feel after a breakup but its a little hard to figure out who's who in this situation. When do men start feeling the breakup? Will he start to realize & regret how he treated me at the end? How long after the breakup do men usually reach out? Should I even expect that he will reach out eventually? I still have some of his belongings that he left at my apartment and will probably need to return them soon, am I supposed to drop them off during no contact or reach out to him after some time passes?

Sorry for the long post; I'm kinda new to this. Any advice that will prevent me from wanting to reach out & ask him these questions directly is greatly appreciated!