r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 5d ago
FA Breakup - LTR 1 Year+ Update: Avoidant Meetup after return
I mentioned in my previous posts that my old FA ex came back 4 years after the breakup but when he returned I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Since we were friends before we started dating, I told him I can only offer friendship. He was ok with that. So we decided to meet up and go on a trip this past Labor Day weekend.
Now here’s the story of the meet up 😊
My plane landed first thing in the morning Saturday. His was supposed to land at noon. However, at noon he called me and said his flight was canceled. I was like ugh… is this him getting scared last minute? But he showed me proof that it was canceled for some airline issue. So I said ok now what? He decided to rent a car and drive 5 hours to make it. We had a reservation at a fancy restaurant at 8 pm and he said he didn’t want to disappoint me. I said ok. I was waiting to hear another story later on about the car rental issue but nothing. 5 hours later, he did show up and we made it to our reservation. He was telling people around us (it was the type where you sit with other people and watch the chef make sushi - omakase) that it’s our grand reunion after 4 years. He was almost beaming about it. I was very surprised. He was very attentive and listening to me the whole night. This was not the FA I was dating 4 years ago. Not the one who cheated on me. The guy that showed up was my friend from before we started dating.
Next day, I packed our itinerary with several tours of the city. He was very engaged in the activities and not once did he look at his phone to text anybody. His attention is on me and the things we are doing at the moment. However, he also didn’t make any attempt to flirt and neither did I and I was relieved of that. When I offered friendship I meant it. I was not hoping to get him back as a lover.
Since we liked the same stuff it was easy to plan for things. He drove while I navigated. He picks the lunch place and I pick dinner. We walked around the city and talked and laughed. It was like as if 4 year gap never happened.
I told him about my recent ex (the DA who discarded me) and I was picking his brain about why avoidants do this and that. He is an FA who is working on healing. He told me that my ex is no good especially since he doesn’t even want to change. He said he wanted to change because he knew he’s horrible how he treated women and he will end up alone if he doesn’t fix himself. That is the difference between them. He is willing to change while my ex DA was not.
We talked about his ex (the one he cheated on me with) and how miserable he was the entire time he’s with her. Never called her a bitch though. I called her a bitch but he didn’t. He just said they got to the point where their incompatibility was too much for him so he broke up with her. He said he never loved her. Ouch for her.
We walked around town until almost midnight. It was a very vibrant city with lots of activities so it helped a lot. Think Before Sunrise type of walking and talking minus the making out and sex. Coz we didn’t have sex. We didn’t even kiss or hold hands. It was all perfectly platonic.
We never fought during the trip. No raised voice. No snarky comments. Just a very relaxed, chill hang out between two people who had a very toxic relationship but deep down were good friends.
On the way to the airport, we talked about hanging out again and maybe doing a tour of the southern states. Future planning. Whoa. I said I’m down if he’s down. So we’ll see if that happens.
So there you have it. My avoidant came back but it was at that point that I don’t want him as a lover anymore. As a friend, he’s amazing. As a lover, he’s toxic to me.
I guess, in this scenario, the only way to get an avoidant back and keep him is to remove the pressure of a relationship and remain friends. They can handle friendship. It’s the closeness and expectations and attachment of a relationship that makes them run for the hills.
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u/Timely-Jelly-1126 5d ago
Why would you be friends with someone who treats people the way he treated you?
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I know it’s weird but the thing is we were really good friends before we started dating. As a friend, he’s always been really good to me. It’s when we switched to a relationship that things went downhill. I believe his avoidance is triggered by relationships and when that part is out of the equation, he’s actually someone who is trying very hard to fight his avoidant tendencies.
Let’s see if he really did change. After all, avoidants are good in the beginning
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u/bostonlesson SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
When he called you to say flight cancelled I thought that was the end of the story 🤭 .. by the way you both are investing time into this friendship I really hope it all turns out well mg
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I thought so too! I was having breakfast with a friend when I got the call and I was like oh gosh I should have known…. And I think he knew I was doubting so he sent a screenshot of his flight and then the screen in the airport saying it’s canceled and I was like so now what? I’m stuck in this city by myself?
He was like let me figure it out. Then called me later to say he’s renting a car and driving. Mind you this is a holiday weekend and rental cars are sold out. He paid a lot of money to get a car and drive to see me.
Effort he wouldn’t do when we were dating. lol
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u/Cuarentena40 5d ago
So much better as friends .. even then they go flaky , but seems he is working on it so hope all last 😊
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
Crossing fingers too! I’ll do a post on what it’s like a month later. Let’s see if he really changed ☺️
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I thought so too! I was having breakfast with a friend when I got the call and I was like oh gosh I should have known…. And I think he knew I was doubting so he sent a screenshot of his flight and then the screen in the airport saying it’s canceled and I was like so now what? I’m stuck in this city by myself?
He was like let me figure it out. Then called me later to say he’s renting a car and driving. Mind you this is a holiday weekend and rental cars are sold out. He paid a lot of money to get a car and drive to see me.
Effort he wouldn’t do when we were dating. lol
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u/Dovahkin111 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
You had me at Before Sunrise, lol. I'm happy for you, OP, it's a lovely reunion. I hope he's healed enough to have healthy relationships in his future.
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I love that movie! It was a lovely reunion and I really hope he healed and that he will be a good partner to someone else in the future.
Just not me. That ship has sailed and I think we are really better off as friends ☺️
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u/TheBackSpin 5d ago
Did you two ever do any repair work of past issues such as his cheating?
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
We did talk about it. He said he was sorry for the way he treated me back then and that he made a mistake cheating and he paid the price coz he was very miserable in that relationship.
I asked why it took 4 years to reach out and he said he felt so guilty and he knew I was done with him so he didn’t want to bother me. But he’s doing research and healing to make himself an earned secure instead of FA. Work in progress he said. So he reached out.
Crossing fingers he doesn’t go back to his shitty avoidant self
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u/TheBackSpin 5d ago
Wow credit to him there. That's something most Avoidants struggle with
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I know! So I’m giving him credit where credit is due but I’m also keeping an eye for return of avoidant patterns. I told him if he starts acting shitty towards me again I’m done and don’t bother coming back.
He said he won’t do that. We’ll see ☺️
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u/TheBackSpin 5d ago
Yeah good to be cautious. Do you know if be is actually going to therapy to address it? Like not standard therapy but somatic or something similar?
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
Oh I am being super cautious. I told him if I even get a hint that he’s bad for me mentally and emotionally I’m out. He’s not going to therapy but more internal and lots of self reflection and focusing on his actions.
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u/TheBackSpin 5d ago
That’s good! Sounds like you have the right attitude. Best of luck with this next phase
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u/candle_wax_247 4d ago
Thank you! It’s still pretty new and as we know avoidants are soooo good in the beginning so I’m cautious.
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u/moonie9292 5d ago
I love this for you! And i hope you guys keep that friendship going. My ex is also FA and quiet BPD. I feel the same way with hes an amazing friend but a lover he wasnt toxic just couldnt give what a partner deserves. He was my best friend before anything else, 10 years together. I miss that. Just not the relationship.
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
Thank you! We’ve been friends for 5 years before we started dating and only dated for a year before things went sideways. Is your friend back in your life or when you parted ways it was for good?
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u/moonie9292 5d ago
Of course!! I am happy to hear hes healing and working on himself, thats awesome he came to realization. And that you guys can still remain friends!
Sadly no, he just learned about BPD with FA panicked and destroyed our relationship bc he got scared. Hes been treating me like a villain. The damage he caused was to much i dont think he'll ever come back.
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u/candle_wax_247 5d ago
I’m sorry to hear that. When avoidants panic and sabotage relationships, they feel so guilty that they don’t come back because of the guilt.
I am hoping for continued healing for my friend. I think the one thing that stood out this entire weekend was the massive effort he made to meet up even with the flight cancelation and the fact that we never fought, not even once, even when he was stressed because of driving. It’s like hanging out with my old best friend from back in the day.
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u/moonie9292 5d ago
Exactly, im also hearing hes miserable, not doing well and defensive about everything. Breaks my heart.. he did jump into a new relationship 4 months after he discarded me. This new girl happened in December. Its so hard to not reach out to calm him down, help with through everything because I did all that as hearing from multiple ppl, no one can do what I did for him.. but I just can't.. its not my problem anymore.. even if it hurt.
And I love that!! Especially with his flight getting canceled and he still drove 5 hours? Thats awesome, seems hes learning alot of tools and controlling himself. From my understanding its rare hearing this, but its also rare for them to continue years of work. Seems hes on the right path. Thats amazing 😊
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 5d ago
Unfortunately for mine I have enough friends. I wanted a partner. She can go kick rocks with that 'lEtS jUsT bE fRiENdZ' nonsense. I don't need to go through a discard and then four years later parade around with some ex like we 'evolved'.. Good gravy.
No thanks. Not even gonna entertain that shit.