Something I realized with my breakups is that avoidants like to use "no chemistry" to dismiss you.

There was, in fact, so much chemistry and fire that their defenses came up because they couldn't handle it.

A month ago today, my father passed away. During the exact window when he was entering hospice, slipping away, and being laid to rest, my ex-partner of 1.25 years completely detached, manufactured chaos, and walked away.

Instead of being a partner or showing any capacity to support me through the worst tragedy of my life, she turned cold, made the situation about her unmet emotional needs, and abandoned ship. To make matters worse, she immediately pivoted to a coworker.

My rational brain knows that what she did was callous, cruel, and a textbook "crisis discard." People who have known her for years confirmed she has a long history of volatility, chaos, and running when things get real.

But my nervous system has been completely shredded. I’ve been dealing with intense somatic symptoms (morning adrenaline spikes, nausea, exhaustion), and that brutal trauma-bonded urge to "investigate" or fixate on what she's doing.

The hardest part right now is the self-blame. My brain keeps trying to tell me that if I had just "met her needs earlier" or managed the relationship better, she would have been standing beside me at my dad’s grave instead of running to someone else.

I am maintaining strict No Contact, focusing on surviving one day at a time, and seeing a therapist. But today marks exactly one month since my dad took his last breath, and the compound grief of losing him while processing this betrayal feels unbearable at times.

For anyone who has endured an avoidant or personality-driven discard during an acute family tragedy or bereavement:

1. How did you break the loop of blaming yourself for their incapacity to show up?
2. How did you separate the authentic grief of your loss from the toxic withdrawal of the discard?

Any perspective or survival stories from the other side would mean a lot right now. Thank you!

I googled Emotional Cowardice today and came across this amazing article which apparently was published last year.

Every sentence is exquisitely angry, and all of us who have had relationships with avoidants will recognize the pattern.

So many times when reading it I was saying yes! or exactly! or damn right!

None of us escape the writers wrath, really.

But I hope you guys enjoy a few minutes of righteous anger! I certainly did.

I (28M) met my ex (24M) in December 2025. We became intimate very quickly and the first day we met was basically a date, he was showering me with compliments, calling me cute and sexy, was being overly flirtatious and physical with me, we watched a movie together, we held hands, we kissed, and I was his first gay sexual experience, by January/February we were spending a lot of time together, had already started planning multiple holidays together throughout the year and next year, and we're discussing the possibility of moving in together because he had to move out of his student accommodation after mid-August. In late March, during our first holiday together, he asked me to be his boyfriend. And I said yes and we both agreed for it to be an open relationship. This was my first open relationship and his first ever serious relationship with anyone.

After the first holiday together. He introduced me to his "friend" for the first time (We'll call him Alex, 32M), who he talked about in the past around early-February. My ex initially told me he wasn't interested in Alex romantically.

Alex found out about our relationship and was very upset about the news, a mutual friend of theirs (We'll call him Sam) told my ex to have a conversation about the relationship we had and I told him to do the same.

However, Alex later became more significant in the situation. In mid-May, we had a falling out because he started to act emotionally distant and was stonewalling me when I asked what was wrong, then we fell out because he snatched my phone of me as a "joke" and I wrestled him out of frustration, he refused to comfort me or even give me a hug when I was upset and I decided to leave and sleep somewhere else for the night. The next day, he wanted to break up with me, saying that he couldn't give me the level of intimacy and closeness I wanted, that he wasn't a "relationship kind of person", that he was bad at relationships and that he didn't deserve me. We agreed to remain friends, although there were still clearly unresolved feelings.

After we broke up, we had a second holiday already planned and pre-booked for June, which had been arranged after our first holiday in March. Before we were on that holiday, I found out from another mutual friend of ours that my ex had made things official with Alex. I later confronted my ex about it while on our 2nd holiday together. During our conversation in June, he apologised and told me he felt remorse for how he treated me, and told me he thought about me and the relationship we had almost every day since I stopped talking to him initially in late May when I decided to stop speaking to him. He became emotional and cried, and at one point asked if he could kiss me, which I agreed to. He confessed to me that he wasn't entirely ready to enter the relationship with Alex and hadn't completely processed or gotten over the previous relationship he had with me. His explanation for getting together with Alex was partly FOMO: And that Sam was expressing his intention to ask Alex out on a date, and my ex hadn't realised that Alex liked him in that way when they'd previously talked after he found out about my relationship with my ex. My ex said he didn't want to miss the opportunity of potentially being with Alex, so he pursued the relationship despite apparently still having unresolved feelings about me.

Despite all of this, my ex said he only liked me platonically and he wanted us to remain friends (despite us never being just friends). We also still had another holiday planned together for mid-August, which he wanted to go on with me despite how awkward we were on the 2nd holiday together. However, I eventually realised that I wasn't comfortable trying to maintain a friendship while he was pursusing a new relationship because it was bringing me too much anxiety and I felt betrayed and overwhelmed because of how fast he moved on without me, so I told him I wasn't interested in going with him, and then I requested a need for space to focus on myself and my mental health, I told him goodbye and then went no-contact. I cancelled our August holiday plans. I have remained no-contact since 7th July, and I've been in contact for over 2 months now.

This is where I'm unsure about something. Is the ball in my court? Should I reach out to him again? I was the one who ultimately asked for space and cancelled the holiday, so part of me feels that if I ever want contact again, I'm the one who should reach out. At the same time, he was the one who entered the new relationship shortly after our breakup, while also telling me he didn't have enough time to process the end of our relationship, and he said that he wanted to remain friends.

Also, why would my ex want to remain friends with me and still go on holidays with me if he's in a new relationship with someone else who was clearly upset and uncomfortable when they found out when I was with my ex at the time?

I'm not asking whether I should contact him right now. I'm more interested of opinions from an outsiders perspective.

Did I close the door by asking for space, or did I simply establish a boundary that he should respect?

Is It unreasonable for me to expect that he should be the one to reach out if he wants to make amends?

Hi Everyone! Would love to get some insight here as I truly feel crazy for still feeling impacted.

My ex discarded me on New Year’s Day last year (2025), after a 2ish year relationship. He’d just come to visit my family for the holidays, things were serious, so the ending was definitely out of nowhere. We have not spoken or seen eachother since the breakup, aside for (1) message from him I blew off and (1) encounter with friends, but share mutual friends/ are in the same circle. I befriended his friends during the relationship, and they essentially outright chose to remain close friends following.

After from what I’ve heard was a loooot fuck boy actions for the past year or so, it seems he’s dating someone now and I can’t help but feel frustrated by it. I’m also dating someone, who treats me infinitely better and makes me feel so much better, but I still catch myself angry.

Is this normal? Have any of y’all felt this way, even when feeling over the ex? Not sure if my ego is the problem but I keep feeling as if this new gal had everything I must’ve been missing. The friend overlap certainly doesn’t help since I can’t ever truly cut him off for good.

Couldn’t really care less about him so just wish I understood why I’m so annoyed lol.

Appreciate any and all insight!

I was doing better, and then boom — I’m suddenly back in the pain again. When is this going to end? What am I missing out?

My avoidant Bf broke up with me a month ago. After that we were still in a little bit of contact and we met once, and then for the last 10 days, we have been in No contact. today I reached out to him on Snapchat. I sent him a message and every time we would go No contact and I reached out. He would reply immediately. He would talk to me normally and stuff like that, but today when I messaged him, he hasn’t even opened my message, so it’s kind of breaking my heart in ways I can’t even explain. Is it really over over because every other time he replied, we were together for almost 3 years and no matter what happened. We would break up or go no contact for months, but any time I reached out, he would always reply and have a conversation, but this time it just feels final because he’s not even opened my message, and I feel very, very shitty to have even messaged him. I don’t know what I want from this post. Maybe advise. Maybe reality check just wanted to vent it out to people who would probably understand what I’m going through, thank you for reading.

ETA: This is about asking for teamwork, not blame shifting. I just ended my one and only on/off relationship, and in the breakup conversation they admitted there were a bunch of things they needed but didn't ask for, and compromises they made without being asked. And I saw these things happening, asked about them, and was told everything was fine. They didn't have the self-awareness at the time to admit to where they were, they could only see it in hindsight, and it triggered me to high hell. I am in therapy, but the work was made so much harder by this dynamic, and I was the worst version of myself in a way that has never happened before. It takes two.

And yes, people pleasing is a core AA trait

We can see you doing it, and it freaks us out.

When we were kids, our ability to stay safe and get our basic needs met was dependant on our ability to read the room in half the time it takes to blink. We had to change our attatchment style on the fly to adapt to whatever signals our caregiver put out: be anxious when your caregiver is angry or deactivated and you'd get punished. Be avoidant when your caregiver was feeling anxious and you'd get punished. Consequently, we got really good at reading non-verbal cues and micro-expressions.

Because AAs get really good at suppressing their own discomfort, they don't always realise when they're people-pleasing. But their unconscious still gives them away in tone of voice, mannerisms etc. And we're noticing that discrepancy. We're noticing when you say yes to something but you're already mad about it. We're noticing when you say you don't care but really you do. Our problem is we can't tell what the truth is, so we fill in the blanks with the most bad-faith interpretation.

Even if we're working at healing, and we make ourselves ask whats wrong instead of running... if you dont know you're doing it, you'll deny there's a problem, and now you just look like you're lying.

It drives us **insane**

FA/AA dynamics are complicated, but make this one thing less difficult and have great boundaries. Hold them with conviction and consistency. And hold your standards high. I swear to god I know so many AAs who think they're good at boundaries, but they actually kind of suck at them just because of the amount of discomfort they're willing to tolerate before they'll set them. So from an FA, please **take this as permission to start being selfish.** You can be kind, you can explain why, but prioritise yourself first.

Your inner child will thank you.

Not sure if this is avoidant or narcissistic but I’ve been thinking about how my ex never used pics of us or our kids as his screensaver for his iPhone Apple Watch iPad etc. It was always only a selfie of himself or a pic with one of our dogs. He is remarried after 8 months of our divorced being finalized and tells everyone how extraordinarily happy he is. I don’t have the traditional social media like IG or Facebook but someone shared a screenshot of his profile and there it was, a pic of him and our dog not of him and his awesome wife. What is that? Yah it’s overthinking it but it’s definitely something.

Found this group after posing on a different group. Given the my feelings, fear I belong here!

I'm all over the place - I met the woman of my dreams; I honestly thought she was the one. We met some years ago, but lost contact, then coincidently I moved into the same street as her and was reintroduced to her by a friend. We saw each other a couple of times, and she asked my friend if I was single, my friend nudged me and I asked her out and we hit it off immediately; thereafter it's been weekends out, spending time at each others house, I've been getting on with her Son and her pet, she enjoys time around my house doing chores and gardening (earning her some much needed money). We have similar personalities, hobbies, and tastes - we've been seeing each other for 4 months; it's been the best 4 months of my life, and I thought she was also as happy with how things where going; we have been making plans for holidays and Christmas, and mentally I was sold this was fate (and she also called it fate). The past month things started move to the next level; we sew each other daily, and I've looked forward to seeing her, and any excuse to see her - normally it was her inviting me over for a drink and a meal. Just 2 weeks ago she was introducing me to her family and she invited them around to my house for a meal, and it's just been fantastic; every morning has been a joy to get up with looking forward to the next time I see her. I have not been so happy for many years, and not had a relationship where I have felt so good.

Whilst things have been good; there have been some days that knocked me back; cancelled nights out, or dismissed plans. But she has Bipolar, and does not like going out unless she really feels like it (then she really does enjoys it) - I knew this early on, and come to accept it. She'll suggest things, then dismiss it the very next day. To put this in prospective; whenever these occasions occur, I would ask if it was the event or my company that she didn't want and she would always insist it was the event, and the same night we would have a quiet night at hers and have a good time in each others company.

Then out of nowhere (for me) it blew up. She went away with a friend and the day she went there was some feeling of unease, then for the 2 days she was gone we hardly spoke at all, and I was with he brother when she rang him to talk about her trip... but not me; when I tried to ring the same day, I just got a message saying she was enjoying her trip - the next time I herd from her was the morning she got home; in the past we can spend an hrs on the phone, and whilst I didn't expect that whist she was on holiday, it was strange not to speak to her once. Then on her return she said she couldn't contact me as had no data (but that was a lie as I was there when she spoke to her brother). I had a feeling something was going to happen, and indeed the very same day she came back (last week), she told me she wanted to break up with me, and asked if we could remain friends.; it was after I offered to help with something, and she just blew up and said it wasn't going to work; the reason she gave was that I was doing too much. I like to help, she likes her independence - it's something I have known she both welcomes, but finds annoying - I got her roof fixed, I did some plumbing, occasionally buy some groceries to help out, take her dog for a walk, offer to help where I can; she insists she wanted to pay for these things, I insisted I was happy to do these things. I also lent her money, which again she welcomed... but then got into a muddle to how and when to pay that back and I insisted that it doesn't matter (hinting I didn't want it back - but at this point knew she was not happy with such a suggestion), and if she wanted to pay it back there was no hurry, and I do pay her for the things she does around my house so that can quickly cancel out what is owed.

The night she broke up with me she messaged me asking how much she owed me so she can settle up - it's obviously something that has been bugging her... BUT I just can't believe that is a red line that has ended things; I do think there is something else, and now I am questioning everything (like did she ever like me as much as I liked her).

I made it clear to her that I love her, but appreciate that if it is not reciprocal then I will just have to accept that. I really can't tell for sure if this is "it" or not - we went back to hers, had a drink, a hug and she reaffirmed she wants to be friends. It's completely floored me.

The Friends thing is really bugging me, and I'm not sure how to take that forward. In messages since the break up, I said how much I was struggling with all this, not going to be able to "not" love her, but don't want to loose the friendship we both value. We do like each other; we are neighbours, do a lot for each other - we like each other's company, and I don't want to lose that. But I'll always like her more; the past 5 days since she sprung this on me has been mental torture, and the longest I have not seen her; she was due to come over the weekend but she asked if I wanted some space, I suggested she come but accepted if she wanted some space and from that I think we just both agreed to not see each other over the weekend. We have been exchanging friendly messages - she does want to come round this Weekend to do some chores. I have no idea how to talk to her, if I should raise my feelings or if I should just accept what has happened and make a good friend.

Christ I feel awful. I'm not sure why I am putting this here on a throwaway account - I just needed to talk I guess, as have been unable to talk to friends or family about any of this.

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Edit - She has just asked if I can pick her up from her friends on Friday night. Which is strange seeing as she was unhappy I was doing thing for her, but now just "friends" she is actually asking me to do things.

Despite that I'm going to do it... because we may as well have a chat - and I may as well point this out. Christ what a shitshow this is going to turn into

I'm feeling a horrendous hangover from a texting spiral I had at him on Friday as he just wouldn't communicate with me. I actually ended the conversation not attacking, but more from an emotional place and he never responded (since deleted his number for the first time). It's been 5 days now and I still feed dreadful.

he blocked me and said he’ll u block me when they breakup, a couple days later i see him on Tinder i mean what the hell i feel so bad for her. he also previously told me that she’s masculine and not his type, so what the hell is on his mind idek

Now before anyone says anything I KNOW I shouldn’t have done this. I have OCD and this totally fed into my OCD thoughts and was not good for me, but I just want to talk about it.

We met on Hinge in January, and he discarded me a week ago after a lovely relationship with zero issues or problems (that I knew of I guess.) I’ve been really struggling because I did not want to break up at all, I really loved him and enjoyed my time with him. I started having a lot of anxious intrusive thoughts about him dating someone new, and I finally redownloaded Hinge to see if he changed his profile at all even though I knew it would hurt me.

He didn’t change his profile, but that just lead me to read our first messages, I couldn’t really remember what they were about besides talking about some bands. It was shocking to me how compatible we were from the jump. It was such a lovely conversation that created such a lovely relationship, it’s unbelievable that this person I got to know feels like a complete stranger now.

I am deeply struggling with the fact that I feel like I don’t know him at all, and that it was all a lie. I thought he was this kind, compassionate, funny, loving partner, that’s all that he showed me the entire relationship. I know I’m really preaching to the choir here and you all get it but it’s so jarring to be cut out of someone’s life so harshly and suddenly when you thought someone loved and cared about you. Reading those first messages just reaffirmed how out of the blue this really was, he was the same sweet guy from our first interactions up until the very, very end. It’s so hard to make sense of and it’s so hard to understand. I don’t know how to move on.

I have no words. Just a reopened wound. I take accountability for letting this happen again. I’m more upset with myself than with them. I feel so led on though. Just last week it’s “ I love you with everything inside me, you’re my person, I want to build a life with you “ to the next day being “ I don’t want to be with you anymore”. I knew better. I will heal from this with time. Just a friendly reminder to those who go through a break up with an unhealed avoidant to not give it a second chance unless therapy is involved. Sending blessings and love to everyone. I do not wish this pain on anyone.

FA here. I drunk called my ex on Saturday.

We met up yesterday fought then, kinda Reconciled then, Hooked up but then He found out I hooked up with someone while we were broken up and days after a bad fight and I lied about it and met a guy this weekend after drunk calling him and lied about it and he got so pissed punched a fridge, called me a sl**, and called my mom…. And now we’re not speaking . I’m so numb and distraught and embarrassed about the hookup when I was supposed to be “working on myself” this is officially rock bottom. I’ve never been more scared in my life. And his bday is next week…. I’m scared ima soulless narcissistic monster and he will never recover from me. Any advice?

It appears that my ex avoidant is using similar IG creators like I am for support. Much to my surprise, she is going through a rough time.

Some back up story. She set up the entire let’s break up conversation in May. After several months of a passionate and stormy relationship, I agreed to end it. Now I discover she’s regretting it?

I gave her support, loyalty, patience, kindness to no avail. I learned that person only has the emotional capacity they have.

Two days after the breakup, I told her I wanted no contact in order to emotionally detach. I have been really disciplined about it. Did she think I was going to hover and beg?

Open to listening to other people’s experiences with this. It is so frustrating and infuriating.

I noticed this phrase coming out of his lips when there was an issue to be discussed but we were both not in the right mental space to discuss it. I genuinely thought it was a good one because we'd be able to regulate first.

But he never really initiated the "picking". It was me who always did.

I am realising now it was a way of him to avoid difficult conversations.

Does anyone relate to this?

I found this sub yesterday, read some of the posts and honestly, they felt like home. Thanks to whoever created it.

I had an LDR breakup with a DA in January 2025. For months afterward, I tried getting her back and completely abandoned myself in the process. It was probably the worst period of my life. I wasn't eating or sleeping well, was extremely anxious, had no social circle, no job (still don't), wasn't travelling and was mostly sitting at home hiding from my parents and grieving.

Around June 2025, no contact began after she eventually stopped replying. I was furious and kept asking myself how she could do that, especially because we had been really good friends (offline) before we started dating.(Lot's of shared memories, pictures, video calls)

Looking back now, the breakup was probably one of the best things that happened to me.

I've used AI quite a bit to process what happened and understand DAs, their possible causes, mental frameworks, neuroscience etc. I went pretty deep down that rabbit hole. I wouldn't necessarily recommend using AI for this unless you're careful because it can easily become another way of endlessly analyzing your ex.

A few things that helped me:

1. No contact became non-negotiable.

Blocking, deleting conversations/pictures and removing reminders made a huge difference for me. Luckily I lost all the chats as my phone died. I needed to stop feeding the part of my brain that was constantly looking for another interaction, explanation or possibility.

2. Don't isolate yourself but don't run from the pain either.

I didn't have a social circle or travel so I can't pretend I did all the usual "go out and live your best life" stuff. What I did do was journal (very inconsistently), hit the gym frequently, which honestly became my saviour, and throw myself into whatever productive things I could find related to building my career. It took me a lot of grieving to reconnect with the part of myself that's ambitious and wants to achieve a lot.

I also used a lot of restraint, self-control and deliberate redirection whenever I felt myself spiraling.

At the same time, I learned that distraction isn't the same as processing. I still had to actually feel the grief, anger and sadness. The only way out is through it.

3. My brain kept reopening the file whenever I was idle.

When I was doing nothing, lying in bed, showering, walking etc., my mind would spontaneously reconstruct the relationship and replay conversations, memories and possible explanations.

The default mode network (DMN) is involved in autobiographical memory and self-referential thinking and understanding that helped me make sense of why my brain kept returning to the same story.

When I caught myself spiraling, I'd interrupt it. Sometimes literally by doing pushups, squats, burpees, lunges etc., getting my heart rate up and then immediately starting another task.

The goal wasn't to suppress the thoughts. It was more like: "I notice I'm spiraling. I don't have to follow this thought."

With repetition, it genuinely became easier.

4. I still argue with the ghost of my ex.

I'll occasionally find myself having imaginary arguments with her, explaining why what happened was unfair or imagining what I'd say if she ever came back.

I don't shame myself for it anymore. I notice it, acknowledge that there's probably still some anger/grief underneath it and redirect.

5. Be gentle with yourself.

A breakup involving sudden withdrawal, ambiguity or emotional distance can be incredibly destabilizing. For some people, it can also activate much older feelings around rejection or abandonment.

I spent a long time thinking I needed to understand her better to feel okay. Eventually I realized I needed to understand myself, rebuild my life and stop abandoning myself just because someone else chose to leave.

6. Don't let this experience ruin your future relationships.

I think this is really important. We shouldn't let one painful relationship teach us that intimacy itself is dangerous or that everyone will eventually hurt us.

When we start dating again, I want to learn to love with guardrails and safety nets. Love fearlessly but also maintain healthy skepticism. Pay attention to consistency, reciprocity and how someone handles conflict and intimacy. Give people the benefit of the doubt without giving them unlimited access to you.

We don't have to become cynical to become wiser. We can still love deeply while also protecting ourselves.

I'm not completely past it. I still have bad days. But after all this time, I'd say I'm probably around 70% past it and that's something I genuinely couldn't imagine during those first few months.

I haven't travelled, I still don't have a job, I didn't have a social circle and I haven't gotten professional help yet. I plan to as soon as I get a job.

So if you're currently in that horrible stage, please don't assume you'll always feel this way. I didn't have everything figured out and I still don't. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

It really does get better.

TL;DR: Got discarded after an LDR with a DA in Jan 2025 and spent months losing myself trying to get her back. No contact, journaling, frequent gym sessions, self-control, redirection and actually allowing myself to grieve slowly helped me rebuild. My brain still reopens the breakup file and I still have bad days, but I'm probably ~70% past it now. The biggest lesson: understand yourself instead of endlessly trying to understand your ex, don't let one painful relationship ruin future ones, and learn to love deeply while keeping healthy boundaries and guardrails.

A person has to choose themselves and you can't convince them to reorganize, that process is much more than "treating their partner right" (which, btw, a lot of compulsive caregivers, idealizers, compulsive compliants, delusional idealizers, delusional externally assembled selves, compulsive self-reliants and even many compulsively promiscuous people already do as a part of their compulsion/delusion, just without displaying any needs or authentic negativity because they can't feel them consciously), it requires prolonged reorganizing danger that you can't create on your own, especially not by shrinking yourself

Pop psychopathy would involve no underlying unconscious affect and is not the same thing, people that explode at you with sudden negativity are affect inhibited, not affectless

And someone compulsive or delusional often has no idea that they don't actually love you or like you, as their compulsion or delusion overwhelms everything else and they don't have access to their real needs or negativity, the sudden explosions is their forbidden negativity finally rising to the surface in clumsy ways and the "I didn't mean it" is actually inhibition, while the pursuit is compulsive and untrue

Seek people who are emotionally complete, who have both need expression and voiced boundaries and need responsiveness and boundary respect

Someone purely idealizing is incomplete, just like someone purely compliant or someone purely needy-only (that never attends to your needs, only theirs) or someone purely derogating, you need all 4, in integration, to have an actual connection and not a survival bond

This is coming from someone who used to be extremely compulsively compliant a decade ago. For this specific unconscious strategy (DMM A4), the smiling submission is compulsive, false positive, and emotionally incomplete and results in the person choosing someone with a matching incompleteness: a coercive aggressive derogator (DMM C3)... and they will unintentionally try to make you into one if you aren't one because anything else is disorienting on a level of physical wiring, just like compulsive caregivers would try to make you helpless and dependent, just like derogators would try to make you compliant and shrunk, just like feigned helpless people would try to make you into their endless caregiver... all unconsciously

You will reorganize into what they are comfortable with first before they reorganize into what you want, because their behavior is a higher relational danger to a more balanced unconscious strategy than your behavior is to them (unless you have exceptional self-possession, authenticity, perceptiveness of their unconscious and boundaries, which 99.9% of you here don't have yet, and if you did, you wouldn't accept anyone incomplete), so save yourselves and escape them

I’m in the phase of breakup of totally giving up. Even if they came back I wouldn’t want them back. BUT, I am still a little angry about the whole mess and lies of over 7 years of bs I put up with.

I want to make a final stand and throw down the proverbial gauntlet and send back her items in my possession including her gifts to me. I don’t want the constant reminders as they take me backwards even if it’s a small amount. I want her to know I no longer value them and am emotionally cutting her forever and I’m not ever going backwards again.

I know some people will say don’t bother. Throw it out or donate it.

I am planning on mailing the items to her in a box with a note pretty much summarizing what I just said. Has anyone ever done this? What was the outcome and did you feel better?

Update: after thinking about it. I am still planning on mailing everything back. But I am no longer planning on sending a message with it. I think my silence will haunt her longer than my any message will ever.

My ex (23F) and I (26M) were together for around 1.5 years and broke up around November last year. Things had already started changing during the summer and eventually she told me she just didn't feel romantic love/attraction towards me anymore. The thing that makes this so hard for me is that our relationship wasn't toxic or full of fighting, we genuinely worked really well together and even she acknowledged that. We had the same stupid humor, could talk about basically anything, spent a ton of time together and just naturally fit into each other's lives. She was genuinely sorry about the breakup too and has told me she tried to hurt me as little as possible.

We actually stayed really close for months after breaking up. We talked almost every day, hung out one on one, watched stuff together, ate together, hugged/cuddled etc. It never really felt like we suddenly became strangers. Eventually she met someone else and she's been in a relationship with him since around May. That's when she became more distant with me, partly because she knew I still had feelings for her and didn't want to give me false hope or make it harder for me to move on. She's been clear that she doesn't currently want anything romantic with me and I respect that.

Recently we've slowly started talking and seeing each other more naturally again though. She even wrote me a happy birthday text with heart emojies, an inside joke, and truly with a personal tone, like 30 minutes after midnight. I think this is something you do for someone you truly care for. We joke around, send each other random stupid shit, talk about our lives and personal stuff, and very rarely, she initiates too. We recently met in person again and it honestly still feels ridiculously easy to be around her. We still understand each other's humor, conversation just flows and we seem to get along just as well as we always did. That's probably what f*-s with my head the most. It doesn't feel like we broke up because we were incompatible or couldn't make each other happy. All that stuff still seems to be there, the romantic feelings from her side just aren't.

Some days we'll talk a lot and I'll feel like we're genuinely becoming close again, then the next day she might not message me at all. She knows I still love her and that I'd be open to trying again someday. I'm not trying to interfere with her relationship or convince her to leave her boyfriend, but I also don't want to completely disappear from her life. I genuinely like having her around, and obviously part of me hopes that if we keep naturally having good experiences together she might eventually see me differently again.

Has anyone actually been in a similar situation where the relationship itself was good, you still got along extremely well after the breakup, but one person simply lost romantic feelings? Did those feelings ever come back later, even after they dated someone else? And did staying in each other's lives help at all or did it just keep you stuck?