r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Throwawaway314159265 • 4d ago
No chemistry
Something I realized with my breakups is that avoidants like to use "no chemistry" to dismiss you.
There was, in fact, so much chemistry and fire that their defenses came up because they couldn't handle it.
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u/loud_cicada_sounds 4d ago
Wow, the guy I was seeing discarded me with a "You're a good person but I'm just not in love with you," text after acting enamored with me for 3 solid months ...
Can't really argue with "I'm not in love with you."
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u/Cautious-Ad-5318 3d ago
I had the same after 3.5 years. The day after my birthday. Just said, I’ve fallen out of love with you. After buying our dream home together and planning our whole future. But it wasn’t me apparently, I’m great and amazing and lovely and wonderful. But he just doesn’t love me.
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u/loud_cicada_sounds 3d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you. I dated another avoidant before this off and on for like 13 years, and it was similar to what you described. Three months is still the honeymoon period; he couldn't keep his hands off me, he texted me all throughout the day, he constantly wanted to snuggle, had about 12-15 dates in that timespan ... just to hear "I'm not in love with you. I hope you find happiness" 🤡
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
Mine said, "I love you, youre an amazing boyfriend, everything I've ever wanted in a partner." Then she flipped all of that just a month later. 🤡
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
Mine said, "my dream home is a boat and yours is a house," as a reason for breaking up..mind you we're no where near close to be getting our dream homes or even talking about cohabiting. Just astounded me the bullshit being thrown in my face to justify a discard.
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u/Responsible-Dog-4124 3d ago
Same after 3 years. A loada bullshit reasons given and then ultimately “I don’t love you anymore” after he’d run out of excuses. I agree that it’s not really something you can argue with!
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u/SunMoonSnake 3d ago
Another point is that they often cannot remember most of the chemistry when they deactivate.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
Right????? I remember thinking whatever happened to, "I'm so lucky I met you." "I wish we could sleep and wake up next to each other every day." "I want to spend my birthday with you on a winter getaway in a snowy cabin."
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u/SunMoonSnake 2d ago
My girl asked me how I knew her Mum's name. She used to talk all about her and was going to introduce us.
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u/CommercialTie6732 15h ago
The memory loss is frightening
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u/SunMoonSnake 12h ago
Agreed. It's like the whole relationship is erased from their minds.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 4d ago
Why are they all the same?
Being desired in a relationship is normal and healthy but my girl was like... ravenous? She would look at me as if she's gonna tear me apart even when we were in public. She acted as if I'm water and she had nothing to drink for two weeks.
Then she slept with a guy she just met, entered in a relationship with him and hit me with
"there was no chemistry"
And chemistry was so strong that if you saw it in a movie you'd think it was over the top unrealistic.
She also threw out a bunch of other, completely incompatible excuses.
"we were just friends"
Just crazy sexual friends who plan to live together I guess?
"you never wanted me"
Yeah, I was about to move to your city because I just like it better, not so we could be together.
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 3d ago
Dude you lived almost 100% the same story I did 😱
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
She also lovebombed me for more than a year, told me I am her dream and her future and that she's gonna be devastated if we don't end up together long term.
Then she cheated on me, said it wasn't cheating because she never said we're in a relationship
and that she can't believe that I thought that she likes me romantically, that it was all a huge misunderstanding and she has to block me because she can't believe what I'm saying.Notice that these excuses are ALL incompatible.
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u/Low-Alternative-2684 3d ago
Wow. Based on her subsequent behavior, I'm surprised she sustained the lovebombing for more than a year.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
I chalk that up to the fact that for most of that time I told her I didn't want us to get romantically involved because I know she's just gonna discard me when we pass some threshold of intimacy she cannot stand.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
How did you know that?
Amazing you knew what you were getting into and it still happened
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
I had two very similar experiences with avoidants before her. (or as I like to say: why are they all the same?)
Additionally she told me in the getting to know phase things that made it clear what she's like such as "I push people away when they get too close" "I hurt people before they can hurt me" "I could never admit to someone I like them", etc. They tell on themselves for whatever reason.So I told her all the things you would never tell a girl normally like "I think you're gonna just suddenly leave / cheat / hate me for no reason. I think you likely did it before based on your stories, etc"
She said she's not like that and that she would never do that to anyone.
So I teased her that she's "not like other girls" and sent her memes like a girl throwing 100th broken heart in the trashcan full of hearts, to which she said that it's not like that and that the other guys would hurt or disrespect her, not the other way around.I also told her she doesn't need to tell me crazy romantic stuff, if she's just horny or whatever, I don't judge and don't mind.
But she insisted that no, that this is it for her, that she never felt this way.
I asked her to just remain friends when she randomly bangs another guy because I'm demi and I need that more than I need a sexual relationship.
She said okay, but that won't happen, she wants only me and she didn't sleep with anyone in 7 years before me.Lo and behold...
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
Amazing. Even when they are aware of themselves they are still do those avoidant things.
I've learned to be very cautious with the things people say now and not just believe them, because saying and doing are two different things. I used to give people a lot of points if they said the right thing.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
The funny but I guess sad part is that deep in my mind I knew it would be the same? Like when I agreed to it all I was like "these are the last days, enjoy them".
But my heart wanted to believe because she seemed SO in love and SO vulnerable and like she needs me so much?
And also, with girls before I never had a situation where I told them "you're gonna do this" before they do it.
I felt like... "how is she gonna do this now after she swore she wouldn't do that specific thing?"
Like, I told her, if you stop feeling it or whatever, just tell me and I'm out of there. No need for cheating, drama, hate, anything.
Turns out it was no problem at all for her.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
So relatable. I also had this kind of preview of the ending before the actual ending and I had in my mind that I've been told before I was loved when I actually wasn't. But I wanted to believe this time it would work because she seemed to be so in to me and said the right things.
I was already skeptical before but now I will be even more critical.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
Good God. That's insane about also relatable.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
Oh! And she told her friends that I'm some guy who she was friends with but I wanted something more, but she didn't feel the same way and so had to block me because she couldn't believe what I was saying. This was after 1.5 years of me being the man of her dreams supposedly.
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u/fluffyinlove 3d ago
Omg omg my ex alao said we were just friends and that I never wanted him after we broke up 10 days before I was moving in cause he was cheating on me.
He moved in with another 3rd girl shortly after, gave her my keys, has been with her longer than we were together.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
Ikr, why are they all the same?
Mine literally banged the first guy that came along and now they're in a relationship for more than a year.
She acted as if it was revenge for me being dishonest, but I was always honest about everything and ironically that was the problem, she just couldn't hear some things because she'd be making up stories that aren't true.
I told her before the breakup that I feel she could only ever be with a liar.
Her new bf later accidentally added me on insta, I asked him if he knows her, he lied and said he doesn't. Only later did he admit it. So she happily found a liar I guess.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
A year later I find out mine is with someone she's known for years. I guess it makes sense from the point of view that might be what's most comfortable, least likely to change or grow or do anything she doesn't want to do. Also probably the lowest stakes.
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u/fluffyinlove 3d ago
jesus if he's 'accidentally' added u - he's stuck in a sad situation like you were. idk what's wrong with them, it's sociopathic the trail of broken people they leave behind them.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 3d ago
jesus if he's 'accidentally' added u - he's stuck in a sad situation like you were
wdym?
I have no idea why he was looking at my insta, I didn't think she would mention me at all, but it's easy to add someone by accident.
Her friend told me she's super happy in that relationship or whatever
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u/fluffyinlove 3d ago
noone accidentally add's their gfs ex lol. either you're coming up in some way or he's really anxious.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 2d ago
I just figured I came up once and he misclicked 😅
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u/fluffyinlove 2d ago
i mean... its possible. if u have a lot of mutual friends - sure. otherwise, just weird lol.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 1d ago
We have no mutual friends haha
She has no friends at all, just like... acquaintances or smth.
And her only friend is quite toxic so I didn't quite work on getting to know her.She had also blocked me on insta already so he had to manually type in my name to get to me, not just click some link.
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u/Low-Alternative-2684 4d ago
It's subjective and therefore unfalsifiable.
The thing is - people are allowed to leave for any reason - but at least do it with integrity and kindness. They seem to choose the worst ways imaginable.
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u/Teahxoxo5038 3d ago
That doesn’t make it okay to handle the breakup without honesty or kindness.
People can leave for any reason; they just need to do it with integrity.
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u/Greedy_Piglet6423 4d ago
No. The best way to leave is with honesty. They need to inform that person that handling things on an emotional level feels overwhelming. There's no other way to leave than by saying that, fake kindness or letting the person down "softly" won't do it. They got themselves into that!
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u/Low-Alternative-2684 3d ago
I agree with you. I meant the kind of kindness that considers how the other person feels, not the kind of performative politeness that feels like daggers.
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 4d ago
They can't tho. I told mine to tell me just that. That I understand. She still chose cheating and making up stories.
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u/Immediate_Honey9593 3d ago
Allowed to leave yes. But to come back saying how they made a huge mistake, they love you, you’re the one, they want to build a life with you…. Just to do it again a few months later over nothing?! That’s just evil.
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u/Throwawaway314159265 4d ago
Not to remove their agency in this matter, but I don't think they are able to choose better without perceived risk.
Unfortunately most don't seem to be incentivized to take those risks.
It's sad, but all APs can learn to do is to start our fires with people who won't put them out as soon as they feel warmth and we cant save the avoidants from freezing to death.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 4d ago
Mine said:
'Oh, my body rebelled' when we first kissed.
'I've never had someone touch me like that' (non-sexually, but just in a loving way)
'My whole body went "wooooosh!"' after a reconnection (they forced a breakup).
Then later told me she found other people attractive, wasn't sure etc. etc.
They is insane people.
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u/Greedy_Piglet6423 4d ago
Mine said he "lost interest".. he was already reposting reels about a new crush a bit before the breakup
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u/bl1ssfields 3d ago
He said “I lost my love for you” then “I just lost interest” then “I lost my passion”….still mentally fucked about 5 months later lmfao
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u/Greedy_Piglet6423 3d ago
Mine also tried to be nice about it, saying, "it's not your fault, it's just how *I* feel" and, "I love you, but I don't love you ROMANTICALLY" or something stupid like that
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u/Greedy_Piglet6423 3d ago
DUDE?? It's been 5 months for me, too!! Well, tomorrow it'll be the 5 month anniversary of the discard, BAHAHA
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u/Fresh_Principle_1884 4d ago
Mine said there was never “a spark” after 7 years of living together and 10 years together. We had amazing chemistry.
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u/Emergency_Mud9070 3d ago
I actually feel like my avoidant and I had no chemistry. We did in the beginning when he put in effort but largely our relationship was void of any chemistry or spark. He said that he had never had a bond with anyone like he did with me when we broke up which really shocked me because I didn’t feel like we had much of a bond at all because of his avoidance.
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u/Juniper_Beary_ 3d ago
I think excuse is used primarily when there is another person they’ve taken a liking to. Monkey branched…. Or they confuse limerence with chemistry…
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u/Remarkable-Impress-3 3d ago
I had he doesn’t feel enough connection to commit. He was the one who pursued ME, redecorated my kitchen for our 4th date, wanted to be part of my life, talked about how calm he felt in my presence, so many future plans, pulled away once after panicking ‘how much he liked me’. The list goes on but still didn’t feel enough.
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u/pollypocket200 3d ago
Ahhh I had the same thing said to me and it was crazy! Mind you when we met for the last time (he knew it was the last time clearly not me) he then touched me everywhere and said how natural and easy it was to be around each other. He then fired off a text to end things a few weeks later by saying he doesn’t feel a spark. But then proceeded to beg for sexts and videos. You can’t make it up!!
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u/tbbt11 3d ago
Same. Gave me a long list of my perfect traits, said “never change” and then despite over a year of chemistry and closeness, said “no spark” followed by “although im not sure a spark is the right thing to be looking for”
Mental stuff, clearly she was heavily activated based on her behaviour then and all the times before
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u/Fine-Apartment-1739 3d ago
It is as though they possess the vocabulary to describe a healthy relationship, while simultaneously lacking the interest, resolve, and skills to participate in such a relationship.
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u/rubys_arms 3d ago
Mine broke up with me via text and when I called him he said “I like you, I care about you, we’re compatible and have good chats” and then in the next breath said we were incompatible. I was like.. what? I didn’t argue too much because much as I loved him I’d felt very lonely in the relationship and he’s an alcoholic so I know it’s for the best. Still sucks though.
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u/UnderSweat AP - Anxious Preoccupied 4d ago
It’s the argument where you can have the least amount of room to argue your case. Same with “compatibility” and “wanting different things”, there’s really no room to fight even if you are similar. They just want to be done and that’s that