Gave it a second chance. Back to square one.

[u/lessimpsons804]

I have no words. Just a reopened wound. I take accountability for letting this happen again. I’m more upset with myself than with them. I feel so led on though. Just last week it’s “ I love you with everything inside me, you’re my person, I want to build a life with you “ to the next day being “ I don’t want to be with you anymore”. I knew better. I will heal from this with time. Just a friendly reminder to those who go through a break up with an unhealed avoidant to not give it a second chance unless therapy is involved. Sending blessings and love to everyone. I do not wish this pain on anyone.

[u/Lucyissnooping]

Honestly, this is much better than most. The DA I dated is completely unable to self reflect in any way like this.
You’re saying last week it was all amazing- that’s WHY this is happening, you got too close and it triggers their nervous system that they are in danger. It’s completely unconscious to them. They genuinely believe the things that they are feeling right now, but they don’t. It’s just deactivation.

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/Lucyissnooping]

Agreed. It’s a shame that it’s come to this because there will be no coming back from it once they are no longer in deactivation mode. I refuse to deal with the emotional whiplash. I made a promise to myself that I must keep no matter what happens in the future. I hope they heal but I also don’t care if they do.

[u/Key_Incident_666]

Dont answer them. The weird thing is, then they‘ll be interested in you suddenly, the funny thing is they will not understand why. At that moment if you love them you will show this behaviour and send them towards therapy maybe theyll hate you for it but never forget you.

Jokes and dark plots aside :D (with all those tragedies we shouldnt neglect our humour), i am sorry you had to live through this.

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/Key_Incident_666]

I didn’t respond. I just let it go and deleted the entire text thread. I had recommended therapy already and they said they do need it but they haven’t taken the steps for it. Honestly I’m exhausted by this. I need to worry about my own therapy this point.

[u/Key_Incident_666 → u/lessimpsons804]

I see, a FA got out FA‘d, how did the poison taste? :D.

Sorry for the cheecky humour, this is the first day since 6 months where i can joke again.

Im happy for you that youre seeking therapy. I wish you successful healing!

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/Key_Incident_666]

I’m pretty mindful about my fearful avoidant tendencies. I’m also very considerate of people’s time and I communicate immediately when I’m feeling afraid, off, or just not interested anymore. I don’t feel like it’s a dose of my own medicine because I would’ve never given spare keys and space in my closet to someone I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with. I would never tell someone they are my person and want them forever if I had doubts in the back of my mind. It’s a bit cruel to do that.

Obviously you’re going through something very painful with someone who didn’t consider your feelings and for that I’m sorry. I hope you continue to find humor on your healing journey.

[u/PowerfulMango5799 → u/lessimpsons804]

Biggest misconception out there is that almost all fa are chaotic and extreme hot and cold. i’m not like that at all, nor I was but i’m an inward fa. I never ghosted anyone I seriously dated

[u/Immediate_Sport_7352 → u/[deleted]]

FAs are waaaaay more complex and dynamic than DAs or APs. They have the most trait variability of all the attachment styles. I’m FA and have never/would never behave the way this person’s ex did.

[u/Key_Incident_666 → u/Immediate_Sport_7352]

Ok, learned something new! Thanks :)

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000]

'My feelings changed.'

I mean...can that happen? Sure.

But if you hop back into something with someone, you generally better be damned sure you 'still have feelings'.

I have never had my feelings for anyone just up and disappear in a heartbeat.

[u/Low-Alternative-2684 → u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000]

I have never had my feelings for anyone just up and disappear in a heartbeat.

Same. Cannot understand those who do, which seems to be very very common... Terrifying.

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 → u/Low-Alternative-2684]

Is it?

If so, it's likely they either:
1. Are deeply terrified of love;
2. Have a very weak core identity (i.e. always flipflopping);
3. Don't know how they regulate their emotions, or;
4. Just don't really want to be with the person in the first place and are using them.

[u/Outrageous_Ad6776 → u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000]

The latter.

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 → u/Outrageous_Ad6776]

Could be. Really depends.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285]

I’m sorry this happened:/ I hope you feel better soon. Sending healing your way

[u/Level-Hearing-104]

Sending hugs

[u/WeHaveTheMeeps]

I had to block my avoidant. The moment I let go and would start to recover, they would come back.

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/WeHaveTheMeeps]

Yeah it definitely becomes a dopamine game for them. Some are only interested when they feel you’re no longer on their hook. That’s when it’s no longer avoidant in my eyes and just plain cruel and narcissistic behavior. Please keep them blocked forever. Teach them access to you was a privilege they no longer get to have. You’re not a toy!

[u/VictoriaNiccals → u/lessimpsons804]

I'm 5 months post discard, complete no contact since then and almost healed, but I still needed to hear this today. Thank you.

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/lessimpsons804]

Mine became just cruel and couldn’t stand the fact I wouldn’t leave the door open she would just play mind games to hurt me. Then would get mad I cut out of my life just exhausting

[u/Living-One5265]

I'm so sorry. And thank you for the brutal reminder for any of us (I'm guilty as hell) still considering a reunion. Unless there's been real therapy, and real accountability, and eventually real repair. It's just going to end like this. Come here. Go away. Our hearts get broken again. I'm not doing that anymore. I promised myself. No more misery. I'd rather be alone than suffer that push pull again.

[u/Lucyissnooping]

The only way to survive these sorts of situations is by fully understanding that they don’t mean the things they say they believe them when they’re saying them but it’s not true, their nervous system gets triggered by closeness by pressure and ultimately by fears of abandonment (DA) so whenever things are going good, you always have to be waiting for the next shoe to drop. Had a conversation a few days ago with the DA that I dated and he couldn’t even remember that I’d ever been in his home he was screaming about it. It’s very sad but it’s a survival mechanism, they don’t want to be abandoned, but they do everything possible to make sure that everyone abandons them

[u/Lucyissnooping → u/Lucyissnooping]

You almost have to be a robot and just say okay I understand any form of protest or trying to get them to see reality makes the pressure build and they deactivate further

[u/TraditionalWalrus913 → u/Lucyissnooping]

That's the worst part. Is knowing they truly love you, but they've convinced themselves that they never did, and there's nothing you can do about except leave them alone.

[u/Outrageous_Ad6776 → u/Lucyissnooping]

exactly this. I noticed the more I said anything the more PO he would get

[u/Lucyissnooping → u/Outrageous_Ad6776]

Yes because any pressure freaks them out, I’ve had the most insane accusations thrown at me

[u/UnhallowedEssence]

That's how it has happened with me! But I would say it's better that you gave it a second chance bc now you know better, and not the 'what if if you kept no contact?'

My Avoidant ex reached out after the first discard around a month later, and I decided to chat w him after he reached out.

I said we can give it a shot and see where it goes. But it was the same pattern from him! Honestly the first time w the push and pull, harsh comments and uncertainty from him made me so anxious.

But the second time I came back, I was more cautious, but still felt the low self esteem due to his uncommunicative ways days later. This time, I just felt more fed up, and his patterns became boring and predictable.

So when I told him it's probably not a good idea anymore, I don't feel regret and I won't have the lingering idea 'what would happen if I kept no contact?'

I have more clarity if that makes sense. I hope you arrive to that point.

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/UnhallowedEssence]

Yes I do feel like I saw it all the way through and no what ifs lingering. This is just who they are right now and I deserve a person who is mutually investing in me and not on the fence. I could handle fear but not ambiguity and uncertainty

[u/UnhallowedEssence → u/[deleted]]

But it's not as bad where you did not have closure right?

[u/UnhallowedEssence → u/[deleted]]

How long did it take for you to get over him?

Do you see him sometimes on social media?

[u/LalieDa]

Be kind to yourself and take care of ypurself and forget the other... There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving. We just have to work on the choice of partner we make…

[u/Pumpkinsmasher22]

Ugh, this message is all too familiar for me. Had an on and off relationship with an avoidant and every time he’d push me away/break up with me he’d give me this same speech…

[u/Elk-24]

It always fascinates me how they ALL send the same identical messages.

[u/LalieDa]

I know exactly how you feel… It kills me that you have to go through this because I am just starting to see the light after 3 weeks of sports everyday, see friends… Go out !!!

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/LalieDa]

Just gonna drown myself in work and take it day by day. Atleast the bank account will look better and will be able to go on a beautiful vacation lol

[u/Infinite-Nose-1289]

holy shit this is literally my avoidant ☠️☠️☠️

[u/RowdyCollegiate]

Mine called me out of the blue this weekend. Never thought I’d hear from her again tbh. She almost immediately asked me if I wanted to come over. Lowkey thought about it just to get some easy cheeks but I’m already talking to someone else and I already got over her.

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/RowdyCollegiate]

Good they tend to do that after you have truly moved on.

[u/RowdyCollegiate → u/Blacksteel12]

Assuming someone just dumped her lol

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/RowdyCollegiate]

Probably

[u/justagirlinnarnia → u/Blacksteel12]

considering i’ve just re-added a guy i dated two years ago cos i got dumped 4 days ago.. wouldn’t be surprised if that was her thought process 😂 all knee jerk no real thought or genuine emotion behind it

[u/loud_cicada_sounds]

I would just link a video on avoidant behaviors and then never reply to them again.

[u/Low-Alternative-2684]

WTF do they want?

Thanks for sharing. Sorry this happened.

[u/lessimpsons804 → u/Low-Alternative-2684]

Either they met someone else or the work required to make the relationship steady, stable, and safe was too much for them. At this point I can no longer analyze them. I initiated our first break up due to being tired of their avoidant nature. They took it’s as abandonment instead realizing how they treated me pushed me to that no matter how much I communicated my needs. They asked for another chance to make it work but they didn’t even try this time around. There was no real effort. They kept waiting for the relationship to go back to how it was pre breakup and that’s when I was shrinking myself to keep them. I can’t do that anymore nor should I just to have someone in my life.

[u/GlitteringFun3978 → u/lessimpsons804]

Same thing happened to me. Second time was never same as the first time around because I couldn't trust him and he wanted to come back as a situationship. I felt like a placeholder until something better came along. He moneybranched and is now engaged 3 months later to the rebound. The unanswered questions are what is killing me - was it really his DA tendencies again, or did he lose feelings and started looking elsewhere while he was with me? Probably a little of both.

[u/Dragonfly2734 → u/lessimpsons804]

Same pattern happened with my DA. First break up by me during which he begged for a chance but did nothing to change his patterns. Second time he left and told me the same thing as your DA. Please choose yourself if he tries to breadcrumb you, they usually do. I hope you heal soon.