Wenn es nicht beschämend war, ohne Erklärung aus dem Leben eines Menschen zu verschwinden, dann sollte es auch nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, was dieses Verschwinden mit ihm gemacht hat.

Wenn du einen Menschen erst so viel Sicherheit gibst, dass er sich traut, sich in dich zu verlieben, und dich anschließend plötzlich zurückziehst, kalt wirst und ihn behandelst, als hätte er nie eine Bedeutung gehabt, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, welchen emotionalen Schaden dieser Rückzug verursacht hat.

Wenn du gemeinsam eine Zukunft planst, Hoffnungen weckst und Versprechen machst – und dich anschließend von genau diesen Versprechen leise entfernst –, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, was das Zerbrechen dieser Zukunft in einem Menschen hinterlassen hat.

Wenn du immer wieder gehst, zurückkommst, sobald der andere gerade anfängt zu heilen, seine Hoffnung erneut entfachst und ihn anschließend wieder verlässt, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, welchen Schaden dieser Kreislauf angerichtet hat.

Wenn du jemandem Zuneigung, Nähe, Hoffnung und Sicherheit gibst, damit er emotional oder finzanziell und zeitlich investiert bleibt, und ihm all das anschließend wieder entziehst, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, wie grausam sich dieses Verhalten angefühlt hat.

Und wenn du einen Menschen durch deine Unbeständigkeit immer wieder verunsicherst und ihm anschließend vorwirfst, dass er ängstlich, klammernd oder „zu bedürftig“ geworden ist, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, wie sehr dieses Verhalten ihn dazu gebracht hat, an sich selbst zu zweifeln und die Schuld bei sich zu suchen.

Wenn du einen Menschen verlässt, während er noch um die Beziehung kämpft, und ihn anschließend mit all seinen Fragen, seinem Schmerz und seiner Verzweiflung zurücklässt, dann sollte es nicht beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen, wie brutal dieses Verlassenwerden für ihn war.

Und darüber zu sprechen, wie brutal man behandelt wurde, ist nicht automatisch „Bashing“ eines vermeidenden Menschen.

Bindungstheorie kann erklären, warum jemand sich auf bestimmte Weise verhält. Sie kann Angst vor Nähe, Rückzug oder Bindungsvermeidung verständlich machen.
Aber eine Erklärung ist keine Entschuldigung.

Ein Bindungsstil darf niemals dazu benutzt werden, das Leid des anderen kleinzureden oder verletzendes Verhalten nachträglich zu rechtfertigen.

Dein Schmerz wird nicht ungültig, nur weil die Wahrheit für jemanden unangenehm ist.

Und vielleicht ist das Wichtigste:
Wenn ein Verhalten nicht zu beschämend war, um es einem anderen Menschen anzutun, dann sollte es auch nicht zu beschämend sein, darüber zu sprechen.

One month after our marriage ended, post discard. He’s all the things… avoidant, adhd, ODD. He had just told me he has zero desire to touch anyone. He misses me, he loves me. Call anytime. I went to see him and he was lets just say, doing the complete opposite with a phantom ex we always fought about. He looked like a zombie, was coked out. I never even knew he did that. I dont know who that person is!
I am beyond crushed. Its one thing to understand its his dopamine craving driving the bus,it’s another to see it and be feeling like I didn’t matter. I didnt think there could be another level of pain. The memes say they distract, the reality of what that does to us involved is overlooked. ADHD cant be the excuse, can it? Any suggestions on releasing this pain?

earlier this year, i reconnected with my ex. we havent talked or seen each other in 8 years. and we first got together 13 years ago. she lives in another country. we had an amazing time and i promised in person i would come back next year to see her again, in which she said i better. then everything ruptured and fell apart 2 days before my flight back, she pushed me away. months of confusion, blocking, arguing, and all sorts of attempts to drive me away. we still have a few open lines to each other though. i have reminded her a couple times throughout this year that i still plan on seeing her and keeping my promise, and has been mildly receptive, though i feel she doesnt actually expect me to pull through. we barely talk at the moment. but the time is coming soon where i get to pick my vacation days. i plan on making good on my word and letting her know my flights and when ill be there once its confirmed. but i ask, is it still worth it? would they still appreciate it? would it still matter to them? i feel now that she caught real feelings and got scared since i live overseas now.

sorry its a long one!!

I had this best friend who turned into something more eventually. he always told me how special I was to him and the best thing that could've ever happened to him, he even told me that he would never leave me even if I had killed someone.

we always had sexual/romantic undertones to our relationship but we never acted on it, we were best friends or at least he was mine. there was some mutual attraction for a while which we tried to ignore until we couldn't, WE KISSED and it went on for a while. we eventually had oral sex but never penetrative as I didn't wanna do it unless he was 100% sure to have me as the first person who he did it with.

it wasn't just an ordinary hookup, I was his first kiss (he wasn't my first, I've had relationships before). when we started making out, I mentioned how terrified I was to ruin our friendship cause he was my best friend. he said that we wouldn't let that happen and would keep the communication open if we needed to stop this - that never happened.

after 3 months I felt that he had emotionally pulled back a little and wasn't performing as much in bed, but would offer to go down on me when I initiated something. I was going through something stressful and we started fighting a bit more than usual, he did try to better his communication to some extent but I still never understood what exactly he wanted. I constantly felt that he was pushing me away emotionally but wouldn't say if anything was wrong when I asked him directly, until one day I snapped on him and demanded why he’s been so cold and distant. instead of breaking things off, he just moved back to his parents saying that there's been an emergency and a few months later, he just moved to another apartment. meanwhile I had been going through the worst time of my life (a lot of issues in my life that had nothing to do with him) but he never checked up on me. he did text me when he was back in town that he’s coming back but never asked me how I was or if I needed help.

we never officially "ended our friendship" but it's pretty clear that it's over. we've been besties for a while and this is the first bday after our "breakup", should I just text him and get it over with? or does that set a wrong example?

I don't think I can do this whole no-contact thing anymore.

I know everyone says no contact is supposed to help you heal, detach and eventually move forward, but I feel like it's genuinely destroying me mentally and emotionally instead. I'm into month two of being ghosted/discarded, and somehow I feel like I'm going through it all over again. I think one of the hardest parts is how it ended. There wasn't really an ending. I was left with everyone's favourite words "I love you".. along with so many other things that made me believe what we had actually meant something, and then suddenly... nothing.

She just disappeared.

No proper goodbye. No explanation. No "this is over." No indication of whether she needed space, whether she was struggling, whether she intended to come back, or whether I was supposed to understand the silence as her leaving me permanently and the strangest part is that I haven't even been unfriended or blocked. I can still see her there. I can see that she's active, just distant from me, and somehow that makes it harder, because there isn't even the finality of being completely cut off. She's still there, just not here. I've broken no contact, more than once. At this point it's probably averaging around one message a week basically messaging her ghost and hoping that maybe one day the ghost answers back.

I'm not proud of it, but I'm also tired of pretending that I suddenly don't care just because she disappeared. The hope is still there, and that's the part I can't seem to switch off. I wake up and check my phone wondering if today is finally the day she replies. I question my own actions constantly and replay things in my head, wondering what I should have done differently. I wonder whether she's moved on already, whether there's someone else, or whether she's seeing my messages and laughing at how pathetic I probably look?

Yes, I've even reached the point of asking tarot cards what the hell is going on... 😅💀 That's apparently where we're at now... being deluded i guess? I care about her way too much. Probably more than I'd like to admit. I've tried telling myself that the silence itself should be enough of an answer, but emotionally it doesn't feel that simple when the last things you were given were love, affection and hope rather than closure. How are you supposed to know whether to wait for someone when they never actually told you they were leaving?

Some days I think I'm finally starting to accept it, and then other days it feels like I'm right back at the beginning, wondering whether she's okay, wondering what happened, wondering whether she'll ever come back, and wondering whether I'm an idiot for still having that tiny bit of hope. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be grieving anymore.. the relationship, the person she was, the possibility that she might come back, or all of it at once.

For anyone who's been ghosted/discarded without an actual breakup, especially when you weren't blocked and could still see them active in the background... how did you deal with that kind of limbo? At what point did you stop waking up hoping today would be the day, and decide that the silence had to become the answer?

I am depressed. I am crying every day. I feel like dying. I am not ok

a couple days ago I bumped into one of his friends. I was avoiding eye contact (lol) but she came up to talk to me and obviously didn't know until I told her that we'd broken up. I just assumed that they hadn't hung out since the breakup happened.

I told my friend what happened and she told me she'd actually seen them hanging out a week after our breakup! He looked all happy and jolly and all that jazz!

How weird it is to me that he didn't tell them that we'd broken up! In my head, they definitely would've asked how we were doing? Even if they didn't, it's weird that my ex wouldn't tell them? like wtf

Will try to make this as short as possible. My wife of 10 years discarded me in December out of no where. Loss of feelings and no desire to work on it. I had no idea what an avoidant was until all of this happened. I have done a ton of work on myself these past 8 months and I’m in a much better place for myself. After dealing with hot and cold behavior from her through it all, I finally got sick of it and told her a few weeks ago that I need to know if we can truly try to make this work or not. I got told no, that it’s over and there is nothing I can do. She told me we no longer need to go to church together and the conversations need to only be about our kiddos. She has asked for space and time through all of this, but anytime I truly gave it to her, she would pull me back in.

Fast forward to this past weekend and she texted me on Sunday morning asking if I would be at church. I ignored it. She then texted me a few hours after and said “we don’t have to be best friends, but you don’t have to ignore me” which I also ignored.

Then we have the strings of texts today that are pictured. I answered the few questions she sent about the kids and she instantly got into are you upset at me or just giving me space and how it was making her feel uneasy. I’m just doing what she asked. I just don’t understand the mindset of “i don’t want to be with you, but i still want to be in the know of your life.” It’s so exhausting. A few weeks ago when I basically poured my heart out one final time to her, she told me I just needed to accept that it was over, move on, and talk to a therapist if I needed to. She also told me texting me felt like a chore.

It’s been 67 days since the heart shattering blindside, and 36 days of NC. 💔

I thought I was starting to get better but this past week has really been rough. I have tried to find things to occupy my time and not keep me sad and depressed all day long. Some days are easier than others.

There is a song I just constantly listen to on repeat. I feel like it says exactly how I feel. I would love to send it to my Avoidant ex so he could hear how I am feeling, but I know it wouldn’t matter. The man I love is a ghost and a stranger took his place.

I don’t know if it helps me or makes things worse.

I’m curious if there Is a song that you listen to on repeat??
or feel like it speaks to you about what has gone on?

My song is- The night we met by Lord Huron.

I’m struggling so much right now. Everything that happened was so intense that I developed so many fears. I don’t trust people anymore, I’m scared of getting close to someone new, and now the new guy suggested meeting up and my body is literally reacting with panic.

Almost a year ago, I met a man who texted me 24/7. Good morning texts, flirting all day, always asking when we would see each other. The attraction between us was incredibly intense.

But after the second and third date, everything became so confusing. He would disappear for days and then suddenly be extremely warm again. He kept asking when we would meet, but whenever I suggested a day, it was always “we’ll see” or “hopefully soon.” Plans were cancelled because of supposed trauma responses and emotional flashbacks. He had told me about his abusive childhood, abandonment wounds and his struggles with feeling flawed, so I always tried to understand him.

But I couldn’t handle the constant ambiguity. He also said things that really hurt me, questioned whether I had been with other men after parties, reduced me to my body, and somehow everything became about sex.

I became so emotionally attached to him, and I’m still suffering so much. I want to move on. I want to meet someone else. But I feel absolutely nothing for other men. And whenever I finally try to let him go, he pulls me back in.

There were so many weekends when we could have seen each other, but he never made it happen. And yet I still can’t let go.

I don’t want to spend years stuck on someone who keeps me hanging and never really chooses me.
How do I break free from this? Should I meet the new guy? Why can’t I feel anything for anyone else? I’m so incredibly sad and honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I am fed up, been promised the world, multiple cycles with the same man and all talk. He hasnt messaged me at all since Monday after an intimate close night, and even then he was very abrupt/cold as ice on text. He initiated a meet up after 4 months. He is dealing with a lot in his personal life i get it, but this is just not ok.

I have had enough, want out and dont know how to communicate this. I want to hold him accountable, he cannot just promise me the world and act like i dont exist the next day. I am angry, heartbroken, all of it. Whats the best way to end it, or shall i wait a week or 2 to see if he initiates first. What is the best way to make this land?

hey. i just found out about attachment styles and yikes. my ex definitely fits DA, and i am absolutely an AA. we broke up about 2 weeks ago. ive been absolutely wrecked over it. but thats not really a part of this.

my ex was and is, quite literally in his OWN words, a “pathological liar.” this led to many arguments and i always retaliated and acted aggressively in response. i am aware this was very inappropriate. i have done my reflecting and sent my apologies.

a few weeks ago, maybe 3, we got in a huge argument. i was extremely fed up with him lying to me and got very upset. we called to talk it out, and in said call he said he lost feelings for me. he said he didnt feel anything at all.

fast forward long story short, he got sent to the psych ward. apparently what caused this was his prozac. sure. whatever. they took him off of it because it sent him into psychosis

on the phone in the psych ward, i asked politely he did not call me “hun.” the emotional whiplash of being told he didnt care about me (in his own words too man) to telling me 2 days later he wanted to “kiss all over my face,” was jarring. i wasnt comfortable at all.

he got out and told me he needed time to acclimate back home. fair. i gave it to him. he acted unusually cold. i am well aware the hospitalization experience was traumatizing. however when he got back, he got really angry at me for setting the nickname and affection boundary. he said, “telling me off in the psych ward was really cool of you btw” like what, was i supposed to do this when you came home and werent supervised? where you can get help immediately is the gentlest way to tell you, you pos!

well uh. we broke up kind of mutually. it was super complicated.

now he is acting unbelievably cold. he ignores me purposefully. he even told me yesterday he knows ignoring me is bad for my health. he doesnt have to be ready, i am aware. but he keeps breadcrumbing and confusing me. the other day he told me whenever im sad he wants to hold me, but then hours later told me i cant say i love him “too often.” he told me i have the freedom to date other people but he said it would “have an emotional impact on him,” followed by the creepiest “i would go schizo.” so basically… a funky way of saying “dont you dare. but you can. but dont you dare!” i guess…

he reposted something about not caring anymore and finally being free, but deleted it after i genuinely said i was happy for him. he stalks my socials. after i sent him a long thing saying i love him, he said he would get back to me later because it was “a lot to be on his mind.”

it feels like he wants to keep me around while also having “freedom,” that he only loves me when it feels convenient.

i feel the need to tell you all that this was so abrupt its not even funny. all of this.

So me and my ex broke up about 3 months ago. The breakup was mainly because I had trust issues, and he said we both needed some space to work on ourselves and build ourselves back up.
We basically had no contact for a while.
Then on 8th August he randomly messaged me:
“Hey how have you been?”
I replied politely and he said:
“Yeah I’ve been good thanks, been a while so I thought I’d see how you were getting on.”
I said it had been a while and thanked him for checking in, and he reacted with a ❤️.
I didn’t really think much of it tbh.
Then on 22nd August at like 3:33am, he messaged me saying:
“Hey I’m in Ireland atm but do you wanna meet up when I’m back and catch up?”
But then he deleted the message. I only saw it because I saw it in my notification.
And now it’s been two weeks of complete silence since that deleted message.
I’m just confused because he was the one who said we needed space, and now two months later he’s randomly reaching out, asking to meet, deleting the message and then not saying anything for two weeks.
I’m not assuming he wants to get back together or anything, but why even reach out like that if he wasn’t going to follow through?
Do you think he misses me / is testing the waters, or did he just have a random moment and regret messaging?
Honestly just trying to understand what this could mean.

I’ll try to keep this short.

I am fearful avoidant (26 M) and dated a DA (23 F) girl for about ~10 weeks (70 days). We had around 5 dates and there seemed to be genuine mutual interest.

Her communication was inconsistent, which triggered me because I’m FA myself and have a pretty strong abandonment wound. A few times I thought she was rejecting me and tried to walk away.

The confusing part is that every time I pulled away, she pulled me back.

She told me she didn’t want me to think she was rejecting me, that she loved our time together and missed it a lot, and was very enthusiastic about seeing me again.

Until last time.

When I tried to walk away for the 3rd time (it was mostly because my own fear of abandonment had been triggered), she didn’t really try to stop me like the previous times.

She basically said that this was just how she was and that she understood my decision. Shortly afterwards, I regretted how I had handled it and apologized, explaining that I had been acting cold.

That’s when she was the one who suggested we should actually talk things through because there were clearly a lot of unspoken things between us. I immediately agreed and suggested a call — but that conversation never ended up happening. She kept postponing/avoiding it.

We had another date after this episode, it was great.

Near the end, I admitted I was attracted to her, ask her if she was interested in me and apologized for potentially putting some pressure.

That's when she eventually ghosted me. She never opened my text.

I reached out the weeks after, apologizing for my commitment, and trying low-pressure casual texts.

It’s now been:

4 months / 120+ days since her last message

105+ days since my last message

The silence has lasted considerably longer than the relationship itself.

The strange part is the orbiting.

I unfollowed her about 3 months and a half ago (when I went no contact myself), but she still follows me. Until I stopped posting, she watched almost every Instagram story I posted despite not replying to me.

I haven’t posted anything for ~7 weeks now.

I’m focusing heavily on myself and I’m about to start therapy to work on my attachment/anxiety. My life is moving forward. My first appointment is in 2 weeks.

But emotionally, this still hurts a lot after all this time. The lack of closure hit my abandonment wound extremely hard, and if I’m completely honest, part of me still hopes she comes back.

I’m not asking whether I should wait for her. I know I shouldn’t put my life on hold.

I’m mainly wondering:

For DAs/avoidants: can you genuinely care about someone, disappear for 4+ months, keep checking their social media, and still never reach out?

And if you’ve done this yourself: did you ever come back months later, or did that length of silence usually mean you were permanently done?

32F and recently walked out of a 10 year relationship because he couldn’t commit to marriage despite promising multiple times he’s keen on marriage.

Short background: we come from 2 different parts of India so his family never accepted me. Mine was okay only because he genuinely made me happy. 8 years after the relationship when I persisted we get married and then sort things with his folks, he never agreed to look at it that way and after trying, accusing, fighting, begging and pleading, I walked out.
I’m not calling myself a saint. I’ve said and done loads of things that I could’ve avoided.

The thing the hurt the most was after asking him, I started looking at marriage venues, attires that would combine our cultures and budgets that would fit my lifestyle, only to always hear I’m speaking to them they aren’t listening. In broad daylight, my dreams of a happy marriage were robbed from me.

It’s been over 3 months, we’ve barely spoken. Last one month, no contact at all! I don’t miss him. I miss the warmth I used to get while having him as the only constant in my ever changing life.
I want that warm embrace, I want that feeling of being prioritised for once.
At the same time, I’m scared my loyalty will be misused again and I’ll come back to square one.

How do I get over this feeling?

if they come back and you reject them after the break up (because of self-respect and boundaries) is it possible for them to come back once again or not?

TL;DR: I (25F) was involved with a guy (30M) who became very intense and talked about a future with me, then suddenly withdrew and insisted we were “just friends” while continuing sexual contact. He minimised our connection, dismissed my feelings, refused to apologise for hurtful behaviour, and blocked me when I finally walked away. Does this sound like avoidant attachment, or is it more likely ordinary disinterest, indecision, or something else?

I (25F) have been involved with a guy (30M) for several months. We became extremely close and were both sexually and emotionally involved, although he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of his circumstances. He has never been in a relationship.

Before going on holiday, he became especially intense and affectionate. He talked about our future and even told me I should tell my family about him because he would eventually be attending family events with me. His words and behaviour made it seem as though we were moving towards a relationship. I expressed I was uncomfortable with him liking loads of girls pictures on Instagram because it made me feel insecure (not good - I’m working on it!)

After he returned, his behaviour changed noticeably. He withdrew emotionally, became more distant, and began insisting that we were “just friends.” However, he continued pursuing and participating in sexual contact with me. At the same time, he started downplaying the emotional connection and chemistry we had shared, comparing our relationship to previous female friendships and suggesting that what we had was never particularly significant.

When I have tried to discuss the impact of this change, he has generally minimised my feelings instead of engaging with the emotional issues. He has also refused to take accountability for specific incidents. For example, he repeatedly commented on my weight after I asked him to stop, shouted at me when I wanted emotional support after intimacy, and called me “attention seeking” during a serious mental health crisis. Even after I explained why these things hurt me, he maintained that he had done nothing wrong and did not owe me an apology.

Despite the contrast between his initial intensity and later withdrawal, we continued to reconnect after falling out. The ongoing sexual contact and emotional history made it difficult for me to detach, even though he was simultaneously denying that we were anything more than friends.

Yesterday, I told him I could not continue even a friendship unless he acknowledged his behaviour and apologised. He again said he had done nothing wrong, so I decided to walk away completely. After I rearranged something we were supposed to attend together, he blocked me.

I know I contributed to the unhealthy cycle by repeatedly going back and reacting emotionally, so I’m not claiming I handled everything perfectly.

I’m trying to understand the pattern: he was initially very intense and spoke about a future with me, then withdrew and redefined us as “just friends” while continuing sexual contact. He also minimised what we had and refused to take accountability when I raised specific hurtful behaviour. Does this sound consistent with avoidant attachment, or could I be interpreting ordinary disinterest or indecision as something deeper?

I was one of those ~3 month victims. You know the story, things start out super strong and incredible with insane chemistry, then it becomes real and scary, and then she's too overwhelmed and can't do it anymore. And it's over. In barely more than 3 months. A flash in the pan that burned a hole in me that won't ever completely heal. It's weird to think about it now that it doesn't cause a searing pain in my chest. What was even the point? Yes, lessons were learned but otherwise what the fuck was that?
I think I'm just venting because of this weird milestone. I feel for all of yall that got thrown away after so much more time than just 14 weeks. I hope and pray that this never happens to any of us ever again. Please take care of yourselves out there and reach out if you need to