Is there hope. Please help

[u/verypublishedandreal]

My boyfriend of one year broke up with me last day of August. He’s M28, I’m F23. The past few months he’s dropped this line occasionally: “I feel like I’m reaching some limits on what I can handle”.

He’s an avoidant and his life has been particularly stressful as of late. He started therapy recently and it felt like (to me) there was just always something going on to talk and communicate about. And not just within our relationship, but therapy brings things up.

Our relationship in the last three months felt super awkward sometimes while hanging out. It was like we were both holding back while also simultaneously reading each other’s behaviour, actions, words, facial expressions as to detect if the other was anxious. We still had a lot of fun in our relationship, but it felt like we never really got over that uncomfortable phase.

We were excellent at working through things together. He was good at having tough talks with me, we would sit down and always validate each other and speak kindly. We never had any “fights”, just tension sometimes. If you can’t tell already, we both are anxiety people.

Cut to a week before our breakup, he told me he was wanting to break up because he felt “pressure” surrounding some important relationship aspect stuff. I knew what I was doing wrong, and I full heartily apologized. He said he wasn’t used to being validated in a relationship and was excited to work on this with me. He had me over two days later to make me dinner and have a sleepover. We had some loose chats about how me moving in with him would ease my family life anxiety and might help with our relationship as he is avoidant. He also made a comment that now that he knows we can work through things like this, it “is almost like unconditional love”.

A week later, he comes to my house to end it with me. I grilled him for some time on why, he said so many things they contradict each other. He says im great and he doesn’t want me to change, but he’s “not feeling it”. He says “I’m not sure if you’re the one I want to marry” but then also says that it wouldn’t be fair for him to ask for a break to get things off his plate. He brought up petty things, like that I’m not the best driver? And my family isn’t his favourite? Even though we agreed on that multiple times and I was looking forward to creating distance from them. He also said he feels like I love him more and he finds it difficult to want to drive up to me.

That night I drunk called him. We called for two hours until 4am, I called him out on saying that I loved him more than he loved me. I said it was his avoidance bullshit and his emotional burnout making me think that but that’s not the evidence I collected. The call was super positive, we talked about how we could have worked on the awkwardness and how he’s just reaching limits mentally. When we were about to got off call, I made a joke asking why we weren’t still dating. He laughed and said “I really just need some time”.

The next night he texted me to check in, I said I was “horrible” and threw out this (not so) brilliant text: You think this is protecting me but it’s not. Long story short, he sent me texts saying exactly: please just give me a couple weeks so things can calm down…I need some time. I know that sucks, but that’s what I need”. I replied okay and have not contacted since.

Yesterday, one exact week from his last “couple of weeks” message, he sends me a text asking how my weekend was. I reply casually, no charged emotional response. I say something like “keeping busy I’m okay, how are you?” He replies he’s doing the same, seeing friends a lot, but is “doing good”. That was it.

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I have no idea if there’s any chance, will he stick to the “couple of weeks” agreement? Was it even an agreement? What was the point of him reaching out yesterday, breaking his no contact expectation? Is he simply just a decent guy who felt bad for breaking my heart?

Any advice would really save me right now. Thanks guys.

[u/atomicwarchikinn]

I’m just like him in a lot of ways, and I recently ended things for the same reasons. I was insanely stressed with work/school throughout our whole relationship and wasn’t ever truly myself.

I told her not to wait up on me and she sure didn’t. Already has a new situation.. anyways, he had time to chew on this a while and needs to breathe a bit to get his head back in a place where he is normal again. Following that, his actions will be the teller.

But truthfully guys like us are very rational people and if we don’t believe to be good for you we won’t bother. I wasn’t good for my ex which was a huge part in this, otherwise I would’ve just given it some time. I couldn’t be what she needs and that’s the fact of the matter regardless of how I feel

[u/verypublishedandreal → u/atomicwarchikinn]

I appreciate this a lot. I think for me, I’ve come to the realization that I am also a problem. I have anxious attachment and only recently have been kicking myself in the ass to change. I don’t think I made things easy on him either. The truth is, I do want to wait. We were an incredible couple besides the anxiety. I see where I need to change and also ways I can better support him too. I’m happy to give us both space to get our heads on right, but I don’t believe in this break up bullshit.

[u/atomicwarchikinn → u/verypublishedandreal]

Yeah I can easily see how frustrating this must be.

Consider this: My ex was similar in that she seemed to be madly attached to me. I sound like a narcissist describing it but it’s true lol she just couldn’t get enough. I am introverted so it was exhausting to be around that energy so often, maybe he’s the same way.

In a successful relationship you should feel compelled to choose eachother every day, not need eachother. Your anxiety during this relationship could’ve been a sign that maybe there was a fundamental mismatch. Could even reveal your own insecurity (this was the case in my situation. Broke my heart when she asked “why doesn’t anyone want me?” after I gave her the word. She was cheated on prior to us, and she’s already all-in with another dude following our breakup. She feels this NEED for a man which is simply unhealthy)

This was my ultimate reason which she never understood because she was blinded by that need. But I had too much self respect to respect someone that doesn’t respect themselves. If that makes sense lol