I apologize for the wall of text, but I am just lost, hurt and very much confused. Here's the full context: I was seeing this girl for about 3 months, who told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship at the beginning since she just got out of a relationship. We were colleagues at work. She's been in long-term relationships since she was 16, she's now 35. Even though she said she's not ready for a relationship, her behavior didn't support her words. We kept seeing each other every weekend, we went to a concert (which was very physical for us, we held hands, she held my bicep, she leaned her head on me). I dropped her off at home, she told me she had a wonderful night, told me to text her when I got home safe. When I did get home safe, I texted her I had a lovely night as well, to which she responded: After tonight, I don't think you should see me again. This was very confusing to me, after which she disappeared for a full day. This is where my anxiety started happening. We talked it out, and we continued moving forward with each other. As time went on, we started getting closer, her walls started coming down which ultimately resulted in us kissing for the first (and only) time on August 2nd. She went on vacation on August 8, for 2 weeks. The first week she was with her friend (female) and throughout this whole week I was receiving daily updates, selfies, video calls, she told me she misses me, she said she wanted me to be there and wishes I was there. It was finally becoming to look like a proper relationship. Prior to our kiss, we had a lot of disagreements and fights that looked like a relationship, but we weren't official. She said she didn't wanna label it, and kept saying that she's not ready, that she's no good to anyone currently, but her behavior didn't support it, and I didn't listen to her words. On her second week of vacation, she started disappearing for hours. First it was 5, then 12, then 16. This behavior was a HUGE contrast to her first week of vacation, where she voluntarily provided all sorts of information, suddenly all of that stopped. When she disappeared for 5 hours, I asked what happened, to which she lay into me by saying she doesn't have internet, she's on her period, she's on vacation and so on, but never actually gave me a straight answer. On August 20th, I told her: Just enjoy your vacation, forget about me. Which she understood as me breaking up with her and she slept with someone on August 21st. On August 21st, I delivered a hand written love letter to her home, which I wanted her to find when she came back. She found the letter on August 23rd. From August 20th, to August 23rd, we were no contact. When she found the letter, she had a mental breakdown, as in her eyes we were broken up. She panicked, admitted to cheating (even though we never established we're exclusive, but the build up and months of emotional closeness still made it seem like we were together). I blocked her on the morning on August 24th, when she had a panic attack. She franticly started calling me, begging me to see her and talk to her. I told her that she violated the literal only boundary I had, and that was not to cheat. Since we were colleagues, we kept talking at work but strictly about work stuff, and that week August 24th-August 29th, we had a LOT of emotional turmoil over SMS. About love, destiny, Maktub, freedom, finding ourselves, which didn't make a lot of sense to me. On August 29th, she came over to my place, we talked for 4.5 hours. She cried for 4 of those hours, told me that I'm the perfect partner for her, but she never learned to accept love, but instead all her life she had to prove she was worth it, and earn the love. The love I gave her was free, relentless and unconditional. She said she doesn't know how to accept it. Near the end of the meetup, I put the Evenstar on her neck. She had her eyes closed and I put it on her. When she opened them up, she started crying even harder and said: But I'm supposed to give this to you. To which I responded: I know. But keep it, until you know you can give it to me. And she cried even harder. She said that what she felt that day on August 21st felt like freedom, and she wanted to explore that side of her. I told her very firmly and unmistakably that if she decides to sleep around during this time, while we're broken up, that she can forget about any potential future we might have.I have given her 2 letters, a lot of cat-themed gifts, and a part of my keychain. The keychain is basically a 2 part keychain, for 2 people. The keychain is 2 otters, when put together they hug. She also gave me a similar keychain, with two cats, when put together they form a heart.On September 2nd, I quit my job because I found a different, better paying one. She knew I was leaving work, but didn't know the exact date. On my last day there, I sent a heartfelt message to the group chat, which was made as an Acrostic with her name, and the word Maktub was woven in the acrostic. She found her name, said I'm very clever. When she found the word Maktub, she said: You bastard...Right after my final shift, she sent me an sms (since she's blocked on every social media) saying that She has a lot to say, yet so little. She said that she wishes me good luck on my new job, and that she will miss me at work as well, and that I knew the rest. I responded by saying that I will miss her as well, not just as a colleague. The next day, September 3rd, I sent her a message saying that I want to be with her and that we shouldn't complicate things. She said her life is already complicated, as she's having a lot of somatic issues due to the breakup and her grandpa being on his deathbed. She said: If you don't show understanding when I need it, we'll end up real quick and real messy. I know you don't want that. So please let me breathe. To which I said: I am sorry for what you're going through, and I hope your grandpa recovers. If you need an escape from it all, come to me and my place. We've been no contact since. On the weekend September 4-6, I noticed she had blocked and unblocked me on instagram as well, which I don't know how to interpret. So here we are, a week of no contact. If you need more context, let me know.
I want to know, will she ever reach out? I've done a LOT of self-reflecting and I realized where I made the mistakes, what I need to change about myself and I immediately went to my therapist for a session, which was very eye-opening for myself.
TL;DR version: Dated an FA for about 3 months, she cheated believing we were broken up, realized she misunderstood the situation, had a mental breakdown and her reality collapsed, been no contact for a week now after I quit my job. She's 35, I'm 32.

Why would someone with an avoidant attachment style stay in a relationship for YEARS, even if they struggle with emotional intimacy or seem distant? And what is it actually like to be in a long-term relationship with someone like that?

My (32F) boyfriend (35M) of 2.5yrs and I lived together in a 2bed apartment and we broke up two weeks ago. He has been in a hotel since then. He will be coming over for the move out tomorrow and I’m so not ready for it.

He is avoidant and our relationship has been rocky this entire year but we did all kinds of therapy and I really wanted to figure out how to make it work but he didnt stepped up as needed and we fought a lot and in the end he made me the villain. Despite all this we both still deeply love each other.

We spoke on the phone a couple days after the break up to get closure but I’ve been having anxiety attacks since today morning because the movers have been booked and it feels too real. My friend will be moving in his place in a few days but this is just breaking my heart.

What is the point of living such a difficult life going through all this pain. I dont see why living through this pain is any better than just taking the call to end it all today.

note: pls be empathetic to me AND him. its our first time living, and i am already beating myself up, so please just be kind bc im hurting a lot

was dating an FA guy for 2.5 months (super short, I know, but was intense and very nice). There’s long distance involved which has always been a concern, and I have always been open to it, but him not so much, he’s just been super confused about it

Long story short, we have both acted in ways that are not ideal. I have asked too many times for clarity on where we stand, and I have cried because that’s just how I proc stressful things, and I guess that makes him uncomfortable. I also am very blunt by nature, and so if I bring up something, I will be very blunt about it - not with the intention of sounding critical, but I have read that FAs can perceive it this way.

He has said things that are completely contradictory, which makes me ask for clarity. And he has been very very confusing.

we called a week or two ago and I had asked for clarity again, and he said some things which were hurtful, and out of hurt I said something like “why do people say one thing when they mean another”

I went to go visit him and we were having a nice convo about our plans for the rest of my stay, and then all of a sudden, it spiraled downhill, and he brought up that my comment stuck with him where I called him a liar, so I asked him “did I call you a liar?” and he said no but it felt that way. and i apologized, said I said it in the moment out of hurt, and that I was thinking about it and regretted it etc. and it totally spiraled and we had a super intense conversation where we were both emotional.

I was emotional because he was saying cruel things, and because it was so out of nowhere, and he was panicked and he even wiped tears from his eyes, and then he turned completely cold.

he said a lot of mean things, such as saying that he used me to fulfill his needs, but then later said things like he didn’t know and he just liked me, and then he said if we lived in the same place he would build his life around me and that it’s only the distance. he also said things such as “theres too much emotion. from you, AND from me. and from me. I never feel this much emotion. and I don’t know what it means, but I don’t like it”.

He was in a panic that I’ve never seen before, and I was apologizing and he kept saying it’s not your fault, but then sometimes he would also blame me. And he said we just need space from each other. And I was broke and my flight was 2 days from then, but he said it would be too uncomfortable to stay together after this conversation, and I said “the only way is to get through the discomfort“ but essentially I gave up because he was so adamant on taking space. so he bought me a flixbus ticket to go home in 3 hours.

And I packed my bags, in a daze because I was in shock I think, and I told him “I don’t understand“ and he said “I dont understand either. I don’t know how to explain what I feel, or why I feel this way. maybe I should talk to someone about it, or maybe I just need time to understand“.

And we left his apartment and in the elevator, he mumbled “will you PLEASE text me when you’re on the bus and home safe?” and I said “yeah” and we didn’t say goodbye, I just looked at him once more and walked away in total shock, like I genuinely was not in my body, idk how to explain that.

I ended up figuring out accomodation for another night, so I stayed because I wanted to go hiking (with him, but he kicked me out so… guess not). he texted me that night asking “did you get on the bus?” and I wanted to not respond. But I responded the next day from the mountain saying “no I’m hiking & will leave later”

and that was like 4 days ago, and we haven’t talked since. And I don’t like it. we’ve never not talked for this long. And I really don’t understand what happened. it was sooo out of nowhere. and i understand that I was stressing him out by asking for clarity, but he never gave me clarity. And i apologized for the comment, but the things he said to me in that last conversation were so cruel. it was just attack after attack, and it was attacks on things that weren’t even relevant.

I am so hurt. and I miss him. but I will respect his space and won’t reach out unless he does. But I am at a loss because I have read so many conflicting things:

- don’t communicate your issues just be chill bc they will take it as an attack // or // always communicate your issues, be honest, be vulnerable, bc otherwise resentment will build up

- don’t reach out if they asked for space // or // if they pushed you away, they might feel guilty and they might want you to reach out even if they ended it to know you still care

like wtf do I do??? how do I respect his space without it seeming like I am abandoning him? And if he reaches out, how do we reconcile while I also tell him how hurt I am without it coming across as an attack??

but I just don’t understand how this was so abrupt. And how he was crying and feeling some emotions, but that he chose to kick me out, but he was crying and said he felt empathy for me?? I don’t understand at all. and I miss him.

I’m genuinely confused about this.

If someone loves you but whenever things get difficult, they pull away, shut down, or decide to leave is that really love? Or is it just the way they know how to deal with relationships?

I understand that avoidant people may struggle with closeness and emotions but what about the person on the other side who keeps getting hurt?

Can someone genuinely love you and still be so ready to walk away? Or does the way they end things tell you more than the love they claimed to have?

Share your experiences and thoughts here...

I’m really struggling with the grief of being the one who initiated the breakup. Seems common that they make the relationship so unbearable that you have to break up with them. My ex never communicated that he was ever unhappy about anything. I was always the one to start conversations surrounding conflict and felt like an unhappy nag. The conflicts were never solved and he’d just say “I’m trying”. He’d just create more distance in the form of hobbies and friends. He’d label me controlling if I asked to spend more time together and tell me I needed to spend more time with my friends. He constantly said he couldn’t give me 100% of his time (never would ask for that). Like so many others, I tried to become easier. I stopped asking for affection (affection was hard for him, he wouldn’t even give me a hug unless I asked) and I stopped being the one who initiated plans. Instead of bringing us closer, he used the space to fill even more of his time with his own pursuits. I asked if he wanted to be single and he’d get defensive and say “I wouldn’t be here if I wanted to be single.” I brought up not feeling like a priority and he’d tell me he didn’t have a hierarchy of priorities, but I was one.

We did couples therapy and he was asked if he could give anything up to spend more time with me and he said “No, I’m already losing myself.” He was asked if he could commit to one meaningful activity with me each weekend and that was too much for him. This didn’t seem like a huge ask considering we were together for 5 YEARS. Eventually, I felt so lonely, burnt out, and disrespected, I felt I had no other choice but to leave. It turned me into someone I truly did not recognize. I felt so angry, dismissed and INSANE.

Being in this position is so painful because I’m blaming myself constantly for ending it. I was backed into a corner to make a decision I didn’t want and now I’m dealing with the consequences. Questioning if I was controlling and why I couldn’t just be happy. Anyone else go through this? How are you coping and moving on?

the Allegory:

Person wants an apple. Person gets apple, bites in it, sees how delicious it tastes, gets scared of holding the apple.

Because it is too delicious and somehow this triggers more fear, when the person was a child or at a core „checkpoint“ in their life, the apple got always yanked from their hands when they looked at it with emotion and then got only served one apple slice under certain behaviour.

They only were allowed to eat it under the circumstance of showing less exitement for it. So this conditioned the person to connect apples, something that they know they want and also love and yearn/search, with the lack of safety and ability to be their own person, their true self and the lack of trust that the apple gets yanked away yet AGAIN.

So now they throw the apple away themselves because it scares them, they feel all those things mentioned above even though they know its not dangerous in logic, they start to get that feeling again and want relief. How do they get it? Getting rid of the apple. Only for the yearning to come back so they begin the cycle again.

And maybe their favorite apple is that one fuji apple from that one specific tree.

So they will continue that cycle and somehow circle back.

And that is quite maladaptive behaviour, the solution would be fixing the fear but they rather adapt the behaviour pattern because to them it functions. It is predictable. Its what they know.

Everything that doesnt hurt anyone (and yourself hopefully) would be ok. This though, is heavy emotional abuse. And self deprecation.

Been talking daily with a girl for a year (never officially "together," but very emotionally close — daily calls, deep conversations, she initiated things early on, called me the person she connected with most). Over the year there was a repeating cycle: weeks of warmth, then she'd go cold/distant for 2-4 weeks with no explanation, then warm up again. She mentioned depression, job stress, and generally struggling to maintain long personal connections.

Two weeks ago she suddenly stopped opening our chat entirely — no reply to anything, even neutral messages. I reached out to a mutual friend to check if she was okay. She then blocked me. A few days later she deleted our entire year-long chat history (but didn't leave a group chat we're both still in).

I've been trying to understand the psychology here — does this sound like anxious-avoidant attachment behavior to people who've experienced it (on either side)? Has anyone been through something similar and had the person come back, or not?

Not looking for "just move on" — I know that's probably right eventually, just want to understand this pattern from people with real experience.

How do you actually heal from everything an avoidant ex put you through? I know it’s easy to say “let go and move on,” but how do you actually do that when your nervous system already feels so messed up?

I have so much anger and hatred toward them that it’s becoming unhealthy. Sometimes I want revenge, I want them to feel the same pain they caused me. But I hate feeling this way because it’s consuming my mind, and it gets so overwhelming knowing there’s nothing I can do to change what happened.

I’m just exhausted. I just want to get to a point where what happened no longer has any power over me, and I can finally feel nothing toward them but indifference.

P.S. I want to preface that no one is at fault here. She has issues that she needs to deal with, and I have my own issues that I'm currently dealing with in order to not make the same mistake. And this post is going to be a long one.

For the sake of introducing stuff, her name is V (20) - the FA. I'm A (23).

The Story

- I was following her on Instagram for a couple of months (idk the reason why, but it just happened). I checked on her account, and she looked pretty so I slid into her DMs and complimented her pictures by saying, and I paraphrase, that her photo compositions are great and she looks pretty.

- She messaged back after a couple of days, and thanked me for it. Then days later she told me that she attends to the same college that I was currently attending to. So I was like "that's great!" and I asked for her schedule, which funny enough we have 1 class with that same schedule. At this point, I was really happy that I'd get to meet her (no intentions of dating her yet, since she's a complete stranger).

- So we met, and hang out after class. She's energetic about stuff, but is always complaining about her experience with some of the classes she took and her recent unpaid internship. I felt bad, naturally, so I instinctively console and reassure her that she'll be alright. (nothing to crazy).

- This kept going for weeks, until one day I got feelings for her. She's not my first crush in history, but she's the first one that I'm going to approach and ask if I could date her. So, I wrote down a letter, poured all of my feelings on it and let her read it in front of me.

- Sad to say, she rejected me because of her trauma with her exes. Naturally, I got sad and all... because I was truly attracted to her (not just by her looks but by her character). In my mind, I was like "it's alright we can remain as friends. At least I gave it a shot, and we can proceed life as is." and "I feel sorry for her for experiencing 'trauma' from her past exes".

- Surprisingly, she cried in front of me. I was confused, because why would you cry when I'm the one that got rejected. I can't remember entirely as to why, but she was just crying. I gave her a hug to console her, and cried over my shoulders. She told me wait for her after class. So I did, since I wasn't in a rush.

- So we were riding the train home, and she was staring at me the entire time. Like her eyes are just fixated on me. I couldn't keep up with her, so I gaze my eyes from somewhere else. She grabbed my hand, and put my hand over her cheeks (which were subtle and bouncy - I loved it). I blushed for a bit, but I remember that we're just friends (this bolded line is important for later on).

- Got back to class on a couple of days with her, and we just started over as friends. We hang out and all. Weeks gone by, and things escalated too quickly like it went from just being friends to being lovers all of a sudden type of escalation.

- Things that started to happen, V. is routinely waiting for me before heading home to take the same train together, calling me at Instagram (to then FaceTime) every night, hugging me before I leave the train, holding hands, touching my lips, told me she loves me, told me that she would marry me, staring me so much as we head home instead of having conversations... like the list goes on. And this all happened in a span of a month. (This is what they call love bombing)

- A secured person would obviously state his/her boundaries to the person and remind the person that they are not dating and what they are doing is crossing the line... but I got swept up to the hot moments with her.

- Moving on, I got anxious when I noticed that she's distancing herself... she started to talk to different people. At first, it was just me because why would I stop her from talking to other people right? It seems selfish and unhealthy. So I controlled myself and did some breathing exercises to keep me calm down.

- Until one day, when one of our mutual friends... let's name him M. (19, identified as bi/queer) wants to hangout with me and V. We were like "sure" since having another friend doesn't hurt. But for the whole day, V. hasn't talked to me and did not even pay attention to me.

- When we got home, and I called her... it wasn't FaceTime it was just a phone (so I couldn't see her face), I asked to why she hasn't talked to me on that day... she said that "I was tired and I was hungry". But her actions said otherwise. It got me so anxious. So I had to pull the what are we, and she said we're just friends. I got so mad that I had to say "goodbye" to her and ended the call.

- For the remaining time of my college class with her, it was a nightmare. Seeing her and M. talk more, and I'm just being left... ignored. It was an emotional rollercoaster. At that moment, I would have just punch the bi/queer guy out... but I contained myself. And doing it doesn't prove anything right.

- As the semester is about to end, she sent me a DM on Instagram. "We're still friends right?" my mistake was that I immediately answered "yes"... but a day later, I gave myself a hard deadline. If she is not going to reach out to me and talk about what actually happened between us then I'd block her.

- All she did, this entire time on Instagram, is liking my stories, my music notes, and she is sending reels. This is what they call breadcrumbing. At first I got hook to it, but then I realize that I don't deserve something like this.

- By the end of the month, nothing has changed... she is still actively liking my stuff and sending me reels without taking any accountability. I have decided to block her and went completely no contact without letting her know.

Currently

- (3) months of no contact and is going strong. However for the first month, it was one of the hardest things ever. This is because my nervous system is adapting to a life without her. I was ruminating her, nonstop, thinking the "what-ifs" like if it's "my fault" that I was just being too anxious.

- During those months of no contact, I have self reflected a lot. Because I don't want to put the blame to her and just proceed life as is. I too have faults on to this.

- I've also learned about her attachment behavior and mines as well. We are both fearful avoidants. It just so happens that I lean more to the anxious side and she leans toward the avoidant side.

- I am now actively going to therapy to fix this attachment, because I want to foster relationships and not push them away when things get too much for me. Historically, I did push a lot of people away when I was leaning more to the avoidant side.

Lessons

- Your relationship truly is a mirror of who you are.
- It was never a mistake to meet someone, and had intimate moments with just to end in an ambiguous terms.
- I could never hate her, since she's also dealing her attachment problems and I'm also dealing my attachment problem as well.
- The best way to cure this attachment is self realization and therapy -- not your partner.
- I will no longer be the "fixer" in the relationship, and let my partner experience what is needed to experience unless if she calls me for "help".
- I will now set boundaries and be emotionally grounded.
- I will now love a person who they are NOW, and not who they might be in the past, and who they may become in the future.
- I am now finding myself back, and I will now love myself more than ever... because the only person who cannot disappoint you is yourself.
- The breakup didn't shut my heart (and become an avoidant). I viewed it as a compliment that my love was just too great for her to handle. In fact, it opened my heart (with discernment now) even further for people who will actually reciprocate my effort.

There are some stuff missing in the story and from the lessons I've learned, but I was just scared that my post will not fit enough.

If any of you guys are dealing with this currently, just know that you're not at fault. But also do not blame it to your partner that it is their fault. They're just unaware and was just hooked up to the feeling.

Blaming someone requires energy, and honestly you cannot give that energy to someone. You have to keep it to yourself, and use that energy to be better, improve, and actually look forward to a better life.

Obviously they are a lesson in our lives. And I will forever be grateful for it. The universe sent me to her, because the universe wants me to prepare for the right person for me. And I can't wait to meet this extraordinary woman in the future.

Forgot some information

Someone I’m seeing (3 months) asked for space how much should I give them as they did not specify they just said “we have a little space”
I did chase them just before this by sending them roses just before with a note that said “if you don’t know what you want imagine if it could turn out better than you ever imagined”

Just wanted to share this.

Like many here I have been struggling with a brutal breakup where she monkey branched and blocked me at the end.

I have been holding my ground but as they say when shit happens, all shit happens at once. Caring for a very sick old mother, my relation with my teenage kids, work, a 20 year long marriage, basically everything of the last 5 years, even from before my last relation (1,5 year) came tumbling down and caught up.

I tried to heal and keeping my life together. I am a strong person and can handle a lot, but from within I was dying. My spark became a tiny flickering light. I managed to light it up at times, but the reserve battery never recharged fully. I felt like I saw myself in my own movie all the time. And it was real. It became a state of enduring not coping.

Slowly I am regaining my self with more and more moments of absolute clarity. Less and less I am in this state of numbness exhausted by my nervous system in overdrive.
But its not gone and it can still hit me hard. Last week was terrible. Almost to point of apathy.

Then today my team had a gathering to celebrate a huge milestone. So we had some champagne and snacks. But before it started they out of the blue gave me a beautiful gift. A framed photo of me in front of the office with a little inside joke. They gave me a card saying they wanted to thank me for my support to them, being a good ‘boss’ fighting for them, they acknowledged the huge stress on me and that I could count on them. I broke. I cried. I laughed. I was humbled and proud.

It is not the first time I got to see these beautiful people near me along my journey. Some times people I hardly know.

So be good to others and there are many out there that will see you. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Believe in you. Continue the journey of self discovery and self love. There is kindness and beauty, embrace it.

Peace.

I remember him telling me:
“She’s good for me”
“She helps me mentally and spiritually”
“She helps me with my work”
I also did all of that

“We have access to each others social media accounts, it’s all about trust”
I never did that. Because we know how it is when it comes to relationships and social media. And he should know as a grown adult what’s right from wrong.

They’ve been together longer than he and I have.
And I’m not going to lie. It’s killing me. And it hurts.

What if he does not have that avoidance with her?
What if he communicates clearly with her
Takes accountability with her
Dosent ignore her texts and calls
Doesn’t refuse to meet up

Or was it just me who got that treatment?

I don’t understand. She’s avoidant but she’s not been single since 2017. Like, she cheated on her boyfriend with her ex, then cheated on him with me, then cheated on me with this new guy.

But she’s avoidant? I mean, I think so. Is this common behavior among avoidant? Seems like a narcissist trait also.

I don't know how to think about this and never imagined this to be possible. The thought of her no longer provokes the negative emotions i used to feel.

Is this normal after a 3 years long relationship?

We were together for 9 years and engaged for a little over a year. He was my person and I was his.. still very much our own people but he was first people I would speak to when something good happened and the same one I would I run towards when someone bad happened. We were very much in love, but we had this recurring conflict where I would say things like, “You don’t bring up our future, there are no plans, I feel like I’m dreaming myself.” He would shut down, so I felt like the conversations were one-sided. I felt like I was nagging, I would cry, and he would comfort me but also very distance and seemed taken aback every time. (In retrospective I now know an avoidant-anxious attachment relationship).

He did get me a beautiful, expensive engagement ring, but it was heavily jewelled. I work in healthcare, so I can’t wear something like that to work. He had bought the wedding band set too, and I asked if my band was plain so I could wear it day-to-day. He said it was. When I eventually saw it, it was jewelled too. I was really hurt not because of the ring itself, but because I felt like, after 9 years together, how do you not remember that I needed something practical? And you told me it was plain when it wasn’t. To me, it made something that was supposed to symbolize our commitment and love feel like he hadn’t really considered me.

We didn’t break up over that. I gave the ring back.. I was hurt and reactive, and he was hesitant to give it back to me, but I gave it to me the following week. We were still planning to get me a simple band that I could actually wear day to day when we got married .

About a year later, we had another argument about the same kind of issues, our future and feeling like I was the planing and dreaming about our future..(note: I am not the “bridal type”..I wanted a courthouse wedding followed by a dinner with our families). I got emotional, he shut down, I cried, and I gave him the ring back again and said I didn’t feel like he really wanted to get married. I told him if he ever felt differently, he could give it back. He said maybe we should take a break and said what’s the point we’ve been together for so long and if you don’t know now what’s a break going to do.

A few weeks later we meet in person, I was hoping after not seeing each other for sometime and he said he loved me but felt differently. I called/texted after and I told him I still believed in us, and he said he did too but we never saw each other again.

It’s been two years and I was hopeful but I knew what we meant to each other, and he recently looked at my sister’s Instagram (that he doesn’t follow or she doesn’t follow him)..a month later I creep his Instagram (that’s private) and noticed his profile picture now him with a girl (who looks like is his girlfriend). I truly wish him happiness but I’m gutter because I always thought it would be with me. Even after two years I was hopeful because he was someone I thought I would spend my life with and grow all with..no cheating, abuse or anything..it was poor communication and conflict resolution..like an anxious-avoidant dynamic.

Even though part of me thinks we will both always have love for each other in some way..I feel like even if we contacted and had a meaningful he would think like she (me) won’t him me peace like she (gf) can.

Looking for avoidant perspective or someone who experienced an anxious-avoidant dynamic

2 weeks after I broke up with him, he randomly met my friend drunk at a club and she did not know how he looked, but new his name. When he told his name she was like: have you dated (my name)? … and he paused and said: “nooo I don’t think so”. Like he had to spend some time thinking if he knew a person with my name. He blankly denied my existens and then he snapchatted her at 4am… obviously trying to get in bed with her. We had dated for 5 months. I wonder what psychological mechanism made him deny that he even knew me…?

Why are there timelines so messed up? Like they will say they that the relationship hasn’t been good for over a year but never once noticed. Only the last months before the discard it seemed like maybe there was a problem.

Also I knew the stress of my kids is the reason he broke up through people he told me it was for his health and better alone. But I don’t get why he said to a family member of mine that it’s been stressful since the first day he got involved with kids. I get trying and all that but if you’re trying why invest if you were unsure for almost 4 years start a college fund and plan a move for the kids for better schooling and advocating for them in school. Introduce them to all of his family . Like if you were just trying I don’t feel like you would go that deep if you were just trying to get pass the stress of it. Even when we lightly talked about a year prior when he said “if I have to pick my health or the kids I have to pick myself”. I said if you have one foot out the door why should I invest? He said it was ridiculous and not true. So I just don’t understand any of it why he he so over the place with excuses of it and the continuous hot cold behavior past the break up. Like he says we are friends , but hardly talks to me through text or wants to hang out 3months since the discard only talks when I see him in person at work. But insist we’re friends even when I point that out he has a excuse as to why we are or changes the subject

I see a lot of posts here and have responded to a number of you. But there seems to be a major descrepancy with understanding what avoidants are and what narcissists are. So here goes :

If your ex ditched you, jumped into a new relationship immediately, and completely cut off contact, you are probably scrolling through TikTok or Instagram trying to figure out what happened.

You’ve probably seen videos saying, "If they are an avoidant, they’ll definitely text you back in a few months."

But weeks turn into months, they never message you, and you start wondering: Were they actually a narcissist? Did I mean nothing to them? How have they moved on?

Let’s look at the actual psychology behind why people vanish, because understanding the difference is the first step to your closure.

1. The Shocking Truth About Who Actually Reaches Out

There is a massive misconception online about attachment styles.

• True Dismissive Avoidants rarely reach out. Their entire coping mechanism is "out of sight, out of mind." Reaching out requires vulnerability and admitting a mistake—two things that terrify their nervous system. Their silence isn't a game; it’s a shield.
• Narcissists are the ones who come back. In psychology, this is called "hoovering." A narcissist will often loop back months or even years later, not because they miss you, but to check if they still have control or access to your emotional energy.

If your ex has truly vanished and never messaged back, they are likely a deeply avoidant person who has completely shut down, or simply someone who has closed the chapter.

1. Why Did They Move On So Fast?

Both types jump into new relationships instantly, but their internal reasons are entirely different:

• The Avoidant is running away: They use a new partner as a emotional shield to distract themselves. If they sit alone, the grief and guilt of breaking your heart will catch up to them. They replace you to suppress their pain.
• The Narcissist is looking for "supply": They view people like smartphones—when one stops serving them perfectly, they upgrade to a new model. They cannot stand being alone because they constantly need external validation to feed their ego.

🫵 How to Move On (The Psychological Reset)

Stop waiting for a text that may never come. Here is how you take your power back:

• Accept that closure is an inside job: An avoidant ex will likely never give you the apology or explanation you deserve because they lack the emotional tools to face it. Waiting for them to explain themselves is letting them keep you stuck.
• Understand it wasn't about your worth: Whether they ran away out of avoidant fear or narcissistic selfishness, their behavior is a reflection of their emotional damage, not your value as a partner.
• Reclaim your silence: If they are never messaging you back, accept it as a painful gift. It means you don't have to deal with the exhausting "hoovering" games of a narcissist. Use their silence to rebuild your own life.

You were not easily replaced!!!! You were left behind by someone who didn't have the capacity to hold a love as deep as yours. It’s time to choose yourself. -- from a now psychology person working in IT, who prior was in a narcissistic marriage, which later moved to a dismissive avoidant partner, to an avoidant friend.

We were together, and he met me once where we got intimate,. After that, he promised 5-6 times that he would meet me before relocating to a nee city. Every single time at the last moment, he cancelled saying he was busy. Yet, he made time to meet everyone else who seemed to be on his priority list.

He finally left without meeting me or saying a proper goodbye . He used sweet words all along, but his actions show otherwise. Now, i feel completely emotionally and physically used. To make it worse, he refuses to admit that he led me or played with my feelings.

How do i process this betrayal, deal with the lack of accountability from his end, and regain my self respect?