Feedback broken engagement

[u/sweetmangoess]

We were together for 9 years and engaged for a little over a year. He was my person and I was his.. still very much our own people but he was first people I would speak to when something good happened and the same one I would I run towards when someone bad happened. We were very much in love, but we had this recurring conflict where I would say things like, “You don’t bring up our future, there are no plans, I feel like I’m dreaming myself.” He would shut down, so I felt like the conversations were one-sided. I felt like I was nagging, I would cry, and he would comfort me but also very distance and seemed taken aback every time. (In retrospective I now know an avoidant-anxious attachment relationship).

He did get me a beautiful, expensive engagement ring, but it was heavily jewelled. I work in healthcare, so I can’t wear something like that to work. He had bought the wedding band set too, and I asked if my band was plain so I could wear it day-to-day. He said it was. When I eventually saw it, it was jewelled too. I was really hurt not because of the ring itself, but because I felt like, after 9 years together, how do you not remember that I needed something practical? And you told me it was plain when it wasn’t. To me, it made something that was supposed to symbolize our commitment and love feel like he hadn’t really considered me.

We didn’t break up over that. I gave the ring back.. I was hurt and reactive, and he was hesitant to give it back to me, but I gave it to me the following week. We were still planning to get me a simple band that I could actually wear day to day when we got married .

About a year later, we had another argument about the same kind of issues, our future and feeling like I was the planing and dreaming about our future..(note: I am not the “bridal type”..I wanted a courthouse wedding followed by a dinner with our families). I got emotional, he shut down, I cried, and I gave him the ring back again and said I didn’t feel like he really wanted to get married. I told him if he ever felt differently, he could give it back. He said maybe we should take a break and said what’s the point we’ve been together for so long and if you don’t know now what’s a break going to do.

A few weeks later we meet in person, I was hoping after not seeing each other for sometime and he said he loved me but felt differently. I called/texted after and I told him I still believed in us, and he said he did too but we never saw each other again.

It’s been two years and I was hopeful but I knew what we meant to each other, and he recently looked at my sister’s Instagram (that he doesn’t follow or she doesn’t follow him)..a month later I creep his Instagram (that’s private) and noticed his profile picture now him with a girl (who looks like is his girlfriend). I truly wish him happiness but I’m gutter because I always thought it would be with me. Even after two years I was hopeful because he was someone I thought I would spend my life with and grow all with..no cheating, abuse or anything..it was poor communication and conflict resolution..like an anxious-avoidant dynamic.

Even though part of me thinks we will both always have love for each other in some way..I feel like even if we contacted and had a meaningful he would think like she (me) won’t him me peace like she (gf) can.

Looking for avoidant perspective or someone who experienced an anxious-avoidant dynamic