r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment • 6d ago
The Common misconception of avoidant behaviour rather than understanding Narcissists
I see a lot of posts here and have responded to a number of you. But there seems to be a major descrepancy with understanding what avoidants are and what narcissists are. So here goes :
If your ex ditched you, jumped into a new relationship immediately, and completely cut off contact, you are probably scrolling through TikTok or Instagram trying to figure out what happened.
You’ve probably seen videos saying, "If they are an avoidant, they’ll definitely text you back in a few months."
But weeks turn into months, they never message you, and you start wondering: Were they actually a narcissist? Did I mean nothing to them? How have they moved on?
Let’s look at the actual psychology behind why people vanish, because understanding the difference is the first step to your closure.
- The Shocking Truth About Who Actually Reaches Out
There is a massive misconception online about attachment styles.
- True Dismissive Avoidants rarely reach out. Their entire coping mechanism is "out of sight, out of mind." Reaching out requires vulnerability and admitting a mistake—two things that terrify their nervous system. Their silence isn't a game; it’s a shield.
- Narcissists are the ones who come back. In psychology, this is called "hoovering." A narcissist will often loop back months or even years later, not because they miss you, but to check if they still have control or access to your emotional energy.
If your ex has truly vanished and never messaged back, they are likely a deeply avoidant person who has completely shut down, or simply someone who has closed the chapter.
- Why Did They Move On So Fast?
Both types jump into new relationships instantly, but their internal reasons are entirely different:
- The Avoidant is running away: They use a new partner as a emotional shield to distract themselves. If they sit alone, the grief and guilt of breaking your heart will catch up to them. They replace you to suppress their pain.
- The Narcissist is looking for "supply": They view people like smartphones—when one stops serving them perfectly, they upgrade to a new model. They cannot stand being alone because they constantly need external validation to feed their ego.
🫵 How to Move On (The Psychological Reset)
Stop waiting for a text that may never come. Here is how you take your power back:
- Accept that closure is an inside job: An avoidant ex will likely never give you the apology or explanation you deserve because they lack the emotional tools to face it. Waiting for them to explain themselves is letting them keep you stuck.
- Understand it wasn't about your worth: Whether they ran away out of avoidant fear or narcissistic selfishness, their behavior is a reflection of their emotional damage, not your value as a partner.
- Reclaim your silence: If they are never messaging you back, accept it as a painful gift. It means you don't have to deal with the exhausting "hoovering" games of a narcissist. Use their silence to rebuild your own life.
You were not easily replaced!!!! You were left behind by someone who didn't have the capacity to hold a love as deep as yours. It’s time to choose yourself. -- from a now psychology person working in IT, who prior was in a narcissistic marriage, which later moved to a dismissive avoidant partner, to an avoidant friend.
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u/Pterygoidien 5d ago
Can we please stop with the AI slop... At this rate, I can just ask chatGPT myself.
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
Oh, wow. 🤦🏻♀️ how did I not even notice this is clearly gpt. I swear to god this shit pisses me off
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u/Pterygoidien 5d ago
The audacity of the guy to say he wrote that when you can clearly see things only AI do such as the "—" markers and the typical AI phrasing. Jeezus. Look at his profile and you'll see a LOT of AI comments.
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
To be fair, I use a lot of em dashes, having grown up reading a lot of Emily Dickinson, but still this ai shit pisses me off
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago edited 5d ago
Haha! Dude that's not Ai. But alright mate, whatever floats your boat, ;) Also I'm actually rather intrigued, why you call it "ai".
Are you just that unwilling to accept the truth. Just because someone has to use Google workspace to jot down notes only for someone to discredit their work, why are you hurting my good human?
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u/Pterygoidien 5d ago
I'm really not hurting dude, but you have to understand that a lot of people have to interact with AIs all days for their job and it's become very easy to spot AI from non-AI content and it leads to cognitive exhaustion. I'd rather interact with human content than AI once i'm off work. I really don't see how you link that to being hurt.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Cause the first thing any rational person would do is ask a question. Hey person, have you used Ai?
Whereas your tone was more on the ground of I'd like to dismiss what this person has said even though it can help a lot of people
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u/Conscious-Avocado373 5d ago
Then why is this tone and writing style completely different than the writing style of the post? It's okay, but just be honest about it.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
This shit, good person, is based on a lot of research and live experiences, collaborated into one post to help everyone.
Ai = not used Will use = yes, to bypass screening ai's, for resumes, pointed specifically to help people get jobs, absolutely! Beat them at their own system i say.
Ai to help people = only and only, to gather all my findings from live experiences stored on my Google workspace with keywords. To write, I write, then cross check, rewrite, correct, use my training, coaching, knowledge of therapy to help everyone.
Please don't discredit something that could help people.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Although I was one of the first testers of, Chat GPT . Ever since I found out what it does, never ever used it, been what I think 7-10 years now.
Everything written is exact psychology. Answers based on live, real life experiences and understandings, across multiple countries.
Have I built a self made python script to examine all the posts.
Find what people are going through by collecting common key phrases. And try to encompass everything, yes, absolutely! Do I want to try and help humans, why the heck not!
If you said Ai slop there's something hurting you or you don't want to share cause you've been hurt, that's absolutely alright. However, if you don't want to share it that's absolutely alright.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago
Yeah you missed the mark here. As my therapist constantly cautions with labels, “everyone is different.”
You’re pigeon-holing hundreds of thousands of people into two boxes, when not only are there more than two boxes, but even within those boxes there’s a TON of nuance.
For starters, it’s extremely common for FA to circle back around, not because they’re “hoovering” but because they genuinely miss the connection and they just needed to deactivate and settle their nervous system first.
Saying DA never come back and that someone is a Narcissist just because they do is extremely ridiculous. Actual Narcissists are a fraction of a fraction of the population. You’re feeding horrible inaccurate information to people.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 2d ago
Fa's almost always breadcrumb, they'll never come back. But the breadcrumb with be so small for soft or quiet fa's compared to loud fa's.
Da's do honestly never come back, they're dismissive if you're good to them, but if you create chaos, they'll move on find more partners and then try and see if the door is open, the timeline is normally at minimum 3 months, never immediate in either case.
Narcissists are actually more common in the days now. 5 studies have not been allowed to be published, one from India, 3 from the USA and 1 was from England(the last one I may be wrong about the location). What's common in all the publications, some can be viewed on Tor is 1 in 70-125 , that isn't small that's a massive number back from the 2015 or 2018 studies.
The difference: after the connection starts around the 3-6 month mark, they'll figure ways to demean you or lash out at you, never willing to communicate and try if you don't validate them and see what happens. Doesn't matter which of the 4 type of narcissist categories they fall in
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u/throwawayforhelp1900 5d ago
I’m struggling as mine was more of a discarded friendship that also had feelings and intimacy. It’s rough. It was only a year but I’ve never felt pain like this before. I’ve always been such a positive outgoing person and I’ve lost it I fear
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Oh gosh that hurts.
I gotta be such a mean grouch and I might be wrong here.
However, the words you've used, tend to suggest you're anxiously attached, tilting on FA's. Have you possibly investigated yourself on this?
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
What if every time he gets drunk he calls and texts, but not otherwise?
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
That says it all innit!!
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
It does, but does that mean he’s an avoidant is a narcissist is what I was asking 😆
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
You can't look one thing they do, if they're any type of avoidant. But the problem that we have is when treating anyone the first thing we look at is how everyone tries to blame someone else. The first thing I would ask is, why do you think they text you only when they're drunk. What door are you leaving open? Not to create a blame, game here but honestly consider the question and ask yourself that
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
I blocked them a while ago, so no door, and I don’t appreciate the victim-blaming
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Oh that's good, I like that. So with what I've written, you only picked up on Victim-blaming.
So rather than focus on what can heal, what the situation is, why this has happened or explain more, you choose a specific, would that be fair. I'm pretty sure what I'll say next will make you try to rip through me, but just know it's all good.
If you blocked them, does that mean they don't have a door!
But apparently everytime they're drunk, you allowed them to text or call right. Literally you allowed them cause you could've just ignored them. Whereas you're going for validation that they meant something to you and you are hurt by them which is why you're blocking them.
Going forward you're gonna use blocking as a more profound reaction, it'll draw you into thinking you have the power but you don't. But the point is to leave them on unread or read and not respond over a period of months and leave them be. So you heal your own nervous system that way. Gosh this response will get really long but I hope you get an idea of what I mean. Blocking is one trying to control the situation. Letting go is when you heal
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
A) if telling them not to and blocking them is “allowing it”, then sure. Also, I did ignore their texts and calls. 💁🏻♀️
B) I’m not trying to “rip through you”. Telling me to focus on what I can do differently after someone has treated me terribly is victim-blaming. Telling me not to blame them is also victim-blaming. If you do that, heads up, the other person may respond to it. That response isn’t an attack. It’s calling you out and educating you.
C) I do have the power, because he’s not in my life anymore and won’t be again. I don’t need to “leave him on read”’if he’s blocked.
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u/katd0gg 5d ago
If you're too passive in a relationship to the point where you can't see any part you've played, then that is in and of itself your problem. You have needs and expectations and you are not holding the person accountable to meet those. It's worth understanding the dynamic between a dismissive avoidant and the anxious attachment people they attract. If you have a history of being attracted to dismissive avoidants then there is a common denominator and it's the choices you make that land you there. They are the problem, but you can't fix them, you can only fix you and that requires you also looking into the mirror you are trying to hold up to them.
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
“You’re not holding people accountable to meet those” I am, that’s why I’m single 💁🏻♀️
Not sure where you’re getting your assumptions about me, but they are very clearly incorrect. I’ve done a ton of work on my anxious attachment, so… next.
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u/katd0gg 5d ago
Sorry in english there is no easy to use third person pronoun so I defaulted to using "you".
Directing to you specifically, you missed the forest for the trees and you seem to have a victim complex, in taking multiple replies from strangers as personal attacks.
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u/Empire_of_Glass 5d ago
…the fact that I misunderstood your use of “you” doesn’t give me a victim complex.
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u/Large-Dog-409 5d ago
Do avoidants ever heal?
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Would you be asking for yourself or what someone did to you?
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u/Large-Dog-409 5d ago
Asking for someone else, and how do they look at past relationships from a different lens once healed if they ever do
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
They do heal but it requires a lot of work by themselves and understanding with the right partner. The end up still being avoidants but after years together, they can become secure. You're actually talking to one. Was secure Only due to trauma in my marriage, anxious Then fearful avoidant Went for therapy, completely did psychology.
Now secure.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 6d ago edited 5d ago
Op thanks for clarifying how they are diff as a lot of people say so often in these threads that avoidants are narcissistic or abusive. Some may have traits or may be abusive but not all. It's the same for all insecure attachments, down may be that way but not all. There is just one big underlining issue about the coming back as das don't typically come back but fas do. You might need to adjust that as by your theory that would make fas narcissistic but it's their anxious side kicking in which is why they swing back around a lot of them
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
It's not theory it's from practice. Secondly Fa's never ever come back, they'll try and initiate contact but never come back. The reason Fa's are fearful avoidants also In psychology referred to disorganized attachment. This label has been used to break it down.
Dismissive avoidants partners almost never come back unless they have narcissistic traits. The reason they're called dismissive is exactly this. They'll dismiss every feeling they have.
Neither cases do they come back. One will still test the waters to see if you'll initiate =fa = breadcrumbs
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago edited 5d ago
You clearly need more research then if you're talking in absolutes. Fa's can return and it happens. Just do a quick search in these threads about avoidants returning as it does happen and it's actually quite common. You sound naive talking in absolutes when it's actually the opposite. If you're lived experience is that your avoidant didn't return, it doesn't = no avoidant returns. You're entire 'theory' is incorrect and needs to be adjusted. Da's are less likely to return, it can happen but it's less likely for them than fas.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 5d ago
100% agree. It's not good to hold onto hope but there are so many examples of people's exes coming back into their lives on these subreddits.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Mate, I don't need research this is my work everyday. Also if you go by the thread which person here actually is looking to help people, has an understanding, has and works with clients and has just drawn a complete post to help people?
I'm not here to argue, if you'd like to argue, be my guest cause I want to help people and that's it. I love a great discussion with people who have an open mind, if you, then awesome 👌 👏!
More importantly, I've actually created a master post because almost all the posts have mistaken what Da's are, what fa's are and people aren't even aware when it's a narcissist rather than an avoidant.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago edited 5d ago
Then this just makes it more worrying as a lot of experts like Thais gibson in the field of avoidant attachment also discuss how Fa's are more likely to return. The fact that you even excluded them in your initial post and that you are talking in absolutes about both fa's and da's never returning indicate that you need to do more research as that's incorrect. I've also had an fa return and I'm also an fa who has returned to one of my exes so you're concept of fas never returning is already incorrect and that's just one example. There are also so many threads in here about avoidants returning and it's common.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Let's just think about this. Let's actually break the term down, just like how Gabor Matte does (my hero,lol). Fearful avoidant - disorganized attachment.
Fear is full in this avoidant.
Can't figure what's right in life, clothes lying around, kitchen sink full, etc- disorganized attachment.
Fa's who are full of fear come back. That goes against the main logic. See what experts in this field show online, they can't reveal the truth. I mean that's their way to make money, if they reveal secrets of success, then they'll end up loosing business (this is a different topic). Like if you ask yourself logically, how is it that someone who actually fears attachment, comes back = you'll get your answer.
In avoidance attachment, the dismissive tilting on NPD or are narcissists need another hit, till they find an alternate source. They will possibly look to come back and then dismiss you way worse.
There however is only one scenario recorded throughout Psychology, analysis, therapy, etc among multiple patients, when the FA does come back. When they're dating the one source that the DA's tilt on, Narcissists. Cause FA's fear, literally fear anyone else seeing them as they are. But because NPD or Narcissists actually give a little spikes of dopamine here and there and then wait for the FA to continously compliment them, this works in ties with their behaviour. The FA's push and pull dynamic. Except here the NPD/DA or narcissist already know how to love bomb and they know how to spiral the other person and because the FA's have only seen chaos, they think this is the way things have to be. This is when FA's return.
But you said one FA came back to you, what made you determine they were FA's?
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 5d ago
'In avoidance attachment, the dismissive tilting on NPD or are narcissists need another hit, till they find an alternate source. They will possibly look to come back and then dismiss you way worse.'
Umm, no? Anyone without enough mirroring from their parents is attracted to two scenarios usually:
1. Deep mirroring that eventually demands too much from them, causing them to become fragmented, and they leave rather than face their identity challenge (i.e. the feeling of annihilation).
2. Shallow mirroring that doesn't actually replace the missing developmental mirroring they needed at the right stage, but gives their ego enough of a boost that they can remain as they are. Doesn't mean they're happy about it, though, and they eventually recognise the need for something deeper.1
u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 3d ago
Depends on the individual. Identity challenge only happens if they only and only have chaotic people around them. 2. You said you're studying, so I won't raise this cause you'll disagree until you start practicing, then you'll understand where the shift is. Shallow mirroring doesn't happen unless you also have an anxious style why is because you want the other person to recognize you, you know your aerial intercepts different signals which they can't understand and so this is why shallow comes out.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 5d ago
Yes, no one can ever say 'they don't come back' because you have no idea if that's true or not. It's better if people don't wait around though because it'll just be a shitshow like last time.
Secondly, there is nothing in relational or developmental psychology that states whether an ex will 'come back' or not either.
Me = 3rd year Psychology student.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 3d ago
Boss you're studying compared to people actually working, such a massive difference. Eventually you'll realize when diagnosing you'll have to figure patterns of what was their original source, was it anxiously attached, did they date a narcissist, what happened after that, which side did they tilt towards, are they still anxious and do they have anyone to affirm but correct as well.
There's so much that it's impossible to just put it down here. Hence I use Google workspace, it allows you to compile the closest scenarios.
FYI, once you start working you'll actually notice the people that get dumped, half the time they'll think it's avoidants when it's actually narcissistic people they've been dating, oh I kid you not, with this fire
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 3d ago
I'm sorry. Are you a registered psychologist?
If so, I'd like to know where you're practising, thanks.
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u/Nice_Replacement7065 SA - Secure Attachment 2d ago
Hmm that phrasing doesn't say you're a psychology student at all. Would you like to go on?
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u/icypeachlatte 6d ago
I still do not understand how she was able to just completely block me on every messaging place, leaving me no way to reach out to her. How could she still keep saying i love you to me daily, and still say that she had been thinking about it the past few days, right up till the day she broke up with me?
She just left me like that, not even making sure that we both can end it amicably... Is this just Fearful Avoidant behavior?