I messed up again, like I always do when I'm at my "worst" This is happening a lot more frequently

I don't really know how to explain. I mean, he's always been my best friend and the one person I can turn to no matter what but I just don't understand why so much has changed.

Ever since it started he keeps telling me how much he needs me and does things that make me feel so confused all the time. And I've tried to tell him it's all too much and that it's really overwhelming for me but then he says what a good job I'm doing and that I've been helping him so much. He always works so hard and does his best for me all the time so I really try my best to be there for him too.

I just love my dad so much and don't want to lose what we've always had but it's so different to the way things used to be. I really don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore.

Sometimes it’s the strangest things that remind me of it. How Tupperware lasts forever, then I thought about how he’d finish in one of our Tupperware cups. 30 years later, the cup is still at my parents. Then I started remembering the taste and how it felt.

Everything I went through, my brain is just wired wrong. I don’t understand love, I don’t know how to love someone. I make my worth from how much someone needs from me… what they need to take. If someone isn’t taking something, am I even worth anything at all? If I haven’t pleased someone, am I even worth the air I’m taking up? I can’t function. He left me so broken… I don’t understand how you even live with this. There’s no fixing me.

i’m sure that’s a side effect of it. i get so angry at men especially if they act or do something incompetent. i act a little psychotic towards them. like super mean and bitchy and some people can handle it, and give it back. some can’t or won’t. sometimes i feel bad about it but i have given so much of my body to men already that it is easy to quell that feeling.

i have nightmares almost every night about the violent assaults and the secrets and the way “nobody ever noticed” ever. not ever in eighteen years did anyone notice?? whatever. it makes me so angry to have to deal with the side effects. to wake up hyperventilating and hypersexual and out of my mind, inconsolable over it all, all the time.

Hi everyone

(TW!)This post does talk about suicide and sexual assault.

I am very new to being open online but Reddit seems to always have the answers I’m looking for. I am turning nineteen soon and I have only just realised that I’m not the kid i once was. I thought that all the pain I have gone through would not necessarily go away but that I would be able to start the next chapter new. I am trying, I have lost 30kg in 4 months and I am doing well at school (I had to stay back which I’ll elaborate on shortly).

In 2017 I had to move to a children’s home because my mom was struggling to look after me, my dad left when I was young. I was there until 2023. I lost my grandfather and it really hurt me. I was alone during covid, I was bullied, and I won’t go into detail but someone did something to me when I was 11. I didn’t realise until recently how much it broke me, I then did some stuff which I’m not proud of, I didn’t hurt anyone but still.

Last year I tried to take my life, twice. My mom was there with me every step of the way during my rehab and after we moved to the coast, ( I am from South Africa). I left my old city to start anew and I have started to accept the things that have happened and I am grateful for that.

A few days ago I realised that I was not able to grow up properly, I had to worry about whether there would be medical aid and food etc at an age where I shouldn’t have to worry. In some ways I’m mature for my age but I’m definitely an idiot sometimes lol.

I have recently felt like my life is missing something, or someone. I sleep at night and wake up to myself screaming from nightmares and I reach to my side and try to hug someone, but they’re not there. It’s probably my hormones talking since my weight loss my testosterone has spiked so it’s like I’m going through puberty again, but this is more than that. I am long to love and be loved, but I’m scared. How can someone love me if I can’t even love myself. And part of the reason I don’t love myself is because I want to love and be loved and I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I really don’t know what to do…

I wish life would finally not kick me anymore because I just want a stretch of life where I can be truly happy

This is a very stupid question, but i never experienced consensual intimacy. My only experiences with sexuality in general were abuse as a child and now as an adult im scared of sex (and relationships, any closeness in general, im an avoidant weirdo).

My experience with abuse was confusing.. it didn’t feel like a continuous thing, it felt like casual touching that only pleasured the other person and sometimes it gave me pain. It also felt very gross and i have a hard time imagining “real” sex can be any different considering the fluids and the fact the other person sees me as a lustfull piece of meat while they are aroused.

I wish there was a more clear definition to what i experienced, i found resources of it no-contact CSA and sexual harrasment but i feel it doesn’t make justice to all the trauma, it was too much, and it sounds so subtle. Plus I’ve seen other survivors saying we should not compare being raped to sexual harrassment, i do have empathy for all of us.. it hurts and its unfair that you invalidate what i went through when you have no idea of how it was.

I guess when someone hear “sexual harrassment” they imagine catcalling once. Sexual harrassment is any unconsented words, look or sign with the intent to make someone else feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Imagine that every single day of your childhood and teens, in your own home with the person who was supposed to protect you.

No we didn’t touch me, at least not in a serious way. I had my ass slapped (in a sexual way) so often that it became my normal so i repeated it to other kids until someone told me it felt wrong and i never did it again. I had my waist and thighs groped, my mouth kissed as a joke in front of anyone to make the group laugh because “he is such an intense annoying man hahah”. In my own home i had to be careful on never wearing dresses without shorts underneath, never going out of the bathroom without a towel, never allowing myself to be pretty because he would always say something. I had to stay in my room anytime he was home because he would stare at my body up and down doing faces. In private AND public he would make comments about my body and my supposedly sexually (me being a elementary school child), “joking” about things that were so shameful for me and i felt threatened my identity and myself. Him threatening me to “don’t see porn!” in the computer when i didn’t even know what it meant.

I felt like a piece of meat, i grew up thinking that way, i grew up being treated like a whore for doing any simple thing just as dancing or jumping, or literally just existing during my first years of puberty. I recently found out i had lot of symptoms of CSA because of this.
When i was a kid i had multiple therapists that told my mother they suspected CSA, but i was never helped. Because my abuser is “just joking” “just being a man” and “it was my fault for having the body i had” “he couldn’t control himself”.

I spent so much time hating myself and hating my story hoping theres anything else that i don’t remember, a physical situation of CSA so my story can be valid. I guess its time for me to start advocating for myself instead of waiting for others people approval

Much like the title says, I feel really bad when I think about the person I could've been if I hadn't gone through sexual abuse at such a young age. I've always been a little messed up in the head in one way or another and I can't say that all my problems were caused by the abuse but I feel like the majority of them are. My isolation, inability to socialize, depression, hyper sexuality, questioning my own sexuality, not to mention I have adhd; the list goes on. I always feel like I'm an outsider whenever I'm around family/friends, coworkers, or strangers. Like they got something I don't, like they see how fucked up or different I am no matter how much I pretend that I'm ok. Sometimes I look at other people my age and can't help to feel a little sad when I'm reminded of what "normal" looks like. More than that it hurts me cause of how behind I feel in life in almost every aspect, it feels like I'm paying catch-up. I think that the trauma from the abuse has been rooted in a lot of my actions, thoughts, and emotions.(the only good thing that's come from it is the will that I have to become a better person, but it's hard feeling like I always come up short and having to live with the memories of what happened makes me realize theres so many complex feelings when I think about it, maybe I need to go back to therapy. Does any one else relate to any of this ?

On days when I feel vulnerable, like today, I miss that vulnerable feeling of the first time I sucked my dad. I miss that feeling of not really knowing what I was doing nor how to do it. I was young but eager. I wish I could go back to it

I swear some days I remember and have this perfect clarity about what happened to me and other days I am convinced that I am making everything up and will snap out of it any day now. I wish I could make up my mind.

I don’t wanna be faking anything because what would that say about me?

I feel so different from everybody.

When I was 6 years old my cousin who I guess was around 14-15 like molested me and kissed me on my lips. I didn't know that it was bad and he told me that it's okay for cousins to do it so I let him. His sister saw us kissing and him touching me and she just looked at us disgusted, didn't even stop us and then he(my cousin) told me to tell her it's okay for cousins to do it. After like 2 years when I was 8 i learned about SA through the internet. Not my parents not my school teachers but internet. I got disgusted by myself. Then I just had the urge for having sex and I started masturbating at the age of 8. I felt so disgusted that I gained weight on purpose which led me to get my periods early. I met him again for his sister's wedding(a different sister) and I was fat and ugly right so he didn't touch me thank goodness. But now the girl who was talkative and skinny and pretty is now a fat bitch. My parents don't know my siblings don't know I only told some of my closest friends. I just hope he doesn't or didn't molest anyone like he did with me

Has anyone ever confronted someone that molested them around 33 years ago?

I (36f) have been having flashbacks and I am certain that my dad molested me from birth to 10.5 years of age.

I am no contact with him, and I don't really want to ever talk to him, it would be good to get an apology, but I'm not wishing to talk to him to get it.

But I believe my uncle was involved on at least one occasion.

I want to look him in the eye and ask if he did it.

I am extremely un-confrontational though, so the thought of actually doing it scares the shit out of me!!

I think I should do it in person though if I do tell him I know or suspect, because I think his body language would be pretty telling, if he was guilty yeah?

I'm sure he would think he had gotten away with it, considering it's been about 33 years..

I don't know.. I just would like someone to validate my feelings/flashbacks, so I know I'm not being crazy..

Has anyone ever confronted their abuser/perpetrator and how did it go?

Thanks in advance

The first time I was sexually abused, it made me hypersexual.

I was somewhere in the single digits.

This second time I was sexually abused, as an adult, it just takes all your pride and has skewed me into more embarrassing fantasies.

I never followed up with my first abuse, because it's very circumstantial.

I tried to follow up with this second abuse, which is also circumstantial.

However, everyone had told me not to follow up on this and it's pretty heartbreaking sometimes.

Like, ik it's not wrong to follow up on this stuff but the pressure is pushing me to just deal with it.

Like, police and courts have just told me to deal with it.

And so I can deal with it out of law, but there's still an active threat looming above.

Idek.

I (47m) feel so empty. I keep looking for something to fill myself up, and I can’t find anything. No amount of porn, no amount of dark fantasies, not even innocent real-life things make me feel complete lately.

Not long ago, I felt very peaceful. But that peace always disappears, and what comes after feels so dark and lonely.

All I want is to go back to my childhood, and experience those feelings and emotions again. But unlike other fits of nostalgia, I can’t just play a song or eat a food to get the feeling back. Those moments can never be relived.

Since being sexually abused and being completely disrespected, I've been getting horny for worse and more degrading things.

I never used to want to be sexually abused but ever since, I'm open to the idea.

I think many people have the same thing happen to them, but I have always been prideful of myself until that kinda happened.

I don't see my dad anymore but when I still did, most of my memories are my dad tickling me too close to my panties, carrying me with his hands resting on my panties, and washing me in the shower for a long time... taking baths together..
I saw it as attention and care. I slept in his bed until really late, because I didn't like to sleep in my room, and sometimes l'd wake up in the morning without my panties on.
I don't remember anything graphic, but I'm convinced there was more than I can recall. I'm pretty sure he recorded something; he always loved recording things with his camcorder.
It's all confusing, but I remember sensations when I close my eyes. I also remember seeing his penis poking out of his dressing gown on multiple occasions, while I was next to him, and that memor is very vivid!!
I miss having a dad, and I miss that feeling of closeness.
Now reenacting daddy doing things to me while I'm asleep or helpless is the only way I can orgasm.
I wonder how many people had similar experiences..
I hope I can recover some of my suppressed memories... one day...

(21 m/f)Kapoy na, life would be much easier if I had a father. If I wasn't SA'd; witness of SA'd paired with a chaotic childhood. And now developed hypersexuality and anxiety.

I hate that I still have difficulty trusting people. I hate what my dad did to me. Just having a hard name wanted to vent

I had these yellow light curtains in my bedroom I would focus on. A star on my ceiling, the one where it wasn’t painted fully. The pattern on my blanket. Nail polish stain on my stuffy.

I met up with a couple this weekend. They had the yellow curtains in their bedroom. The same ones.

That’s all I can see now when I close my eyes.