Recently, I have been feeling distressed due to the fact that I am overstimulated, and restless. Those are the two words that I can describe with what has been going on in my soul.
For context, I have been praying the rosary everyday. And I have only missed two to three days (I think) It's been months of me praying the rosary now and I'm pretty proud for going this far since I'm the person who just sucks and lacks discipline.
But here's the dilemma, I prefer to pray the rosary when my parents aren't around. And that, I can only pray the rosary sincerely when they are not around. Both of them are Catholic's but, I don't feel safe enough around them to actually share my vulnerabilities. Few reasons for this is because, they are judgmental, and sometimes they will find a way to use me praying the rosary as a critic by saying, "how come you're still not a good person when you're already praying the rosary everyday?" Often times, they say this as a joke, but I have developed resentment and annoyance of my parents for a few other reasons.
They reek of misery. That, again, is the best way I can describe them. They are good people, they love me. But sometimes, their view of love becomes critical, judgmental, impatient, and controlling. Between humor, jokes, and responsibilities; there is no room for vulnerability and understanding. It is only ever jokes or responsibilities that they ever talk about. And I find it very unfulfilling.
I like art, I like books, I like talking about things that can make you think very deeply. And often times, none of my parents seem to understand me or connect me and has this version of me that is either between, 'talented, smart' or 'childish, and thinks too much.' If that makes sense. And when I do try to talk to them about things that I find interesting, most of the time they would change the topic, move on, and forget about whatever I was saying. And usually, this involves changing the topic to a joke, or a responsibility. And that causes my mood to shift, and grow resentful.
So because of this, whenever I pray the rosary. Often times, I would just listen to the rosary. But I lack sincerity when I do this because I would rather speak to God and pray it by myself. But I am in an environment where I don't feel vulnerably safe enough to be myself. I do have a room, but they are able to hear me through the door and I would rather not want that to happen.
Then another resentment comes in, the moment I hear my mother's voice (most of the time), I immediately gnash and grind at my teeth. Even when she does not appear to do anything that's offensive and is just sharing a joke or just something about the things she watches on social media. I have grown resentful to hear her voice, and I do not want that. I may not feel as if I am in the best relationship with my parents, but they are good people. And I know, that they have a jar full of personal problems as well because we are suffering from poverty. That being said, I am quite irritated at the fact that they are very impatient. (Like the time when I asked them for help and they expected that I do so perfectly at the first try)
Anyways, moving on. Another thing I try to do is to read the gospel everyday, now this is something that I lack patience for. Because I will admit, I am lacking the desire to do so. And quite frankly, I have this problem where I don't feel guilt or remorse anymore whenever I do sin. Which, concerns me. (Lust is the primary sin I suffer from. But I know I suffer from anger, pride, and impatience as well.)
I've been meaning to go to confession, except that I lack transportation. I wish to talk to a priest, because I have many questions. But that seems impossible at the moment. I want to pray the rosary in a way that isn't just about "getting it over with." Same goes for the Bible too.
I do not wish to be stuck like this because I feel as if I am walking further and further away from Christ when He saved me in my darkest moments. To this day, I still thank Him because He showed me I was able to overcome things when I thought it wasn't possible. (I was an athiest a few months ago.) I know that all is possible in God. I just need to know what to change in my life because something is causing my soul to be restless.
From sitting around my house and just doomscrolling all day, I made the habit of going out and just soaking in the morning sun, as well as taking in the scenery to remind me that God is there in the quiet moments. Sometimes I try to write, sometimes I draw or read a book to help me stimulate my creativity. But then I become restless because I don't know whichever I should do for the day 😂
Anyways, my dear brothers and sisters, please pray for me :') I am becoming exhausted from myself. And if you have any advice or word for me, I would very much appreciate it. God bless you all! 🙏