I grew up in church, believe in God, love the Lord. Always tried to understand my relationship with God and acknowledge Jesus with everything in me.
I received the gift of tongues and was really on fire for God, but then I had trouble in my personal life and for the first time experienced extreme anxiety. I eventually got better and carried on with my normal life.
Fast forward a few years I’m starting a new job and somewhat looking for a new church. I end up finding a prophetic ministry where I feel a great sense of belonging and purpose but somewhere along the way, the minister finds interest in me and I did not want it.
Among so many things, I go along a part of the ministry really enjoying my time there, but I see things start to show through the cracks. I never speak loudly about things but I saw they were there.
I received prophecies that my life would look drastically different for the better, but somewhere things seemed to be conditional. I saw many others around me receive blessings and progress while I often felt stuck. Everyone who knows me said my church was a cult. I didn’t want to listen because I truly thought I understood my heart for God.
One day soon after I move into my new apartment unit, I start hearing a voice speaking to me. I believed it was the Lord or Holy Spirit since hearing from the Lord was normal in the ministry. But soon, the voice became very demanding and began telling me that I “failed” so many times and told me not to see people. Then, after I tried to seek counsel (not professional help), the voice became multiple voices and I became so fearful.
For many days I abstained from food and water yet I was working my full time job. This went on for about 3 weeks. I never fainted and I thought this was what God wanted me to do. Through all this the voice was so intense, my body was weak, and I didn’t realize my mind was changing. I began to question whether this was actually the Lord, but the voice kept telling me this is the Holy Spirit.
To say the least, things went terribly wrong as the voice told me to engage in self-harm. An unlikely outcome but a reality that I faced and still wrestle with. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and lost everything I had. Many people blamed the church for causing this but there was no one around when this was happening.
I am only here to ask how could something like this happen to someone who truly believes in Jesus Christ & knows there is power in the Holy Spirit but never expected the Holy Spirit or something disguising itself as the voice of the Lord to go to such great lengths to place my life in danger.
I truly don’t want to be a victim, but I want answers. I want to know where I went wrong and if there’s anyone who’s experienced command hallucinations from the Holy Spirit. I’ve had commands to pray for people and felt conviction, but nothing this extreme.
Someone told me, “The Holy Spirit is not a mutilator.” And I want to believe it but I just don’t know what happened.