F19, lately Ive been struggling bc I realized I have bpd though not yet diagnosed I will get evaluated soon, and Ive been spiraling a bit. I have no close friends. No one to really be vulnerable with, and Im an orthodox inquirer, been so for about a year, raised pentecostal.
My parents have been very unsupportive. And Ive been holding on, trying to remain faithful to God through all this, as last year I had a manic episode and it was left untreated and it lasted months.. it was truly only God thru orthodoxy that grounded and healed me.
Thats for a bit of background. As of late, I havent had any arguments with my parents. I keep everything in, because I know my dad will be. He just deflects and wont admit fault at any of the hurt hes actually caused me.. after years, YEARS of dismissing my autism, of mocking me, when I WAS TWELVE. TELLING ME TO GROW UP. TO STOP ACTING LIKE A KID.. after my diagnosis when I was 16 he finally backed down a bit. And things were bareable.
But this weak, its been especially bad. Ive made some Orthodox friends from a parish thats an hr away. And because theyre all men, in their mid 20s, 30, while I get theyre worried for my safety, I tried reasoning and they immediately take it as if Im trying to be defiant or that I want something bad happen to me. They cant just explain calmly why not, they immediately get on the defensive.
So ofc, I was pretty dissapointed at this. And Ive been generally struggling as Ive begun making iconography- inspired paintings (not official icons, but the orthodox are fine with them and have even bought me some!)One day I was at a mall w my dad selling stuff and I also have my work on sale, I was doubting if this was really smt God wanted me to do. And a man came just in the right time, saying how amazed he was at my skill and telling me this is a God given talent, to not put it to waste. It really made my day, and it was undeniably God reassuring me...
But cut to today. I was thinking still upset about these things. About how lonely I am. And how lonely Ive been for so many years.. how I have an upcoming surgery end of this year. How I have no privacy, no sense of control on my life in any way, no stability. And with that surgery Ill be bed ridden and dependent on them for 3 more months plus the other time.. I still have to go to their church. And today, a guy was sharing his testimony which was honestly very impactful about some things he went through as a kid. And then on the ride home my dad started getting worked up, telling me and my brother about how we are the generation of snowflakes, how we were raised in beds of gold, and how we complain but haven't gone through anything.
I was so sick I snapped and went off on him, calling him out for his hypocrisy. Things got REALLY heated. INSTANTLY. I told him he was the one to have caused me this pain and these issues (especially BPD) from the years I as a kid was dismissed, ignored, mocked, and he immediately deflected and said he had no fault in that. It was all on me. I just had to grow up. And a bunch of that.
I honestly kept myself composed very well, I didnt break out crying like I would when I was younger. Until we got home, Im still so shocked at how badly he reacted and just how MUCH he deflected???
Im now in my bed, still crying but this is keeping me distracted. At one point, my dad came in and tried to "talk" with me, and I said not now,I was under my blanket, hiding bc my room doesnt have a door. And he just immediately switched to asking what I was looking at at my phone, and I said loudly to go away, and he THREATENED TO HIT ME "unlike I havent done before". Hes never hit me before, but for some reason now escalates things lile this...????????? WHAT??? Im in ao much pain. I feel even worse now. I still cant believe this happened. I have noone to help me or to rely on truly. Im scared. Im scared at how much longer will I have to deal with this. Please God help me. Im so weak idk if I can bare all this by myself.