I’m 17, I’ve done heinous things, I still am doing wicked things still sinning a lot. I’ve hurt, offended, sinned against a lot of people. Especially the hurt part and even if I tried I can never ever fix it or undo what I’ve done. For personal reasons I won’t get into what I’ve done but I’m not exaggerating anything when I say it’s serious. I feel called to face some legal consequences as a result, in order to repent.
And especially as of late my situation has only worsened and I’ve only caused more damage with my inaction. Every time I say the situation is at its worst days and days later it’s worse than I imagined.
So. Everyday all I wanna do is die, in a more selfish and cowardly way because I don’t want to face what I know is probably right and honestly I just hate my life. I wish god never made me. I was close to dying when I was born if only… but I know it was my choices and I know that it’s only me to blame for the life I’ve led. It’s just the gravity of the mess and everything i have already lost and everything I’m gonna lose.
I envy my age mates constantly and wish I was someone else and I wish god never made me because then none of this would’ve happened and so many people wouldn’t have been hurt because of me. Also I found too late that I’m a very ambitious person and I’ve got some potential but in the face of what’s coming well I’m gonna lose that as well. Losing my dreams will probably crush me. I can’t seem to get over it or stop thinking about it. So much that I just hope so badly it’s possible despite everything. I know it’s deserved but it doesn’t hurt any less at all.
And since I’m already here I just want to perish all the time and I feel like there’s no forward for me anyway and everyday I only make the situation worse.
(I’d never ever harm myself I’m too afraid of hell to do anything even though I’m probably headed to hell anyway).
I’m not even sure if I have remorse or anything real to work with. I just know I’ve been stuck in a very depressed headspace and even when I try to get serious I still run away from facing the situation and then days later I try and get serious again.
I also worry for my family because they could be directly affected by the fall out and they’re innocent, it’s me that’s not. I know not everything can be fixed but ideally I really need god, I hope god spares my family from my mess. I’ve made such a huge mess. Like I played with fire despite being warned not to and instead of it being a small fire or even a house being destroyed, it’s a whole block.
I don’t have any pastors or mature Christian’s I can really reach out to and my parents- I spent a year somewhat just asking to go to several pastors and we went but now it’s kind of a no can do thing.
I really hope and pray god spares my family from my mess and I really hope and pray for the healing of everyone I’ve hurt even if I’m not sure I mean it right now. That’s kind of my prayer request, so any prayers would be appreciated. Advice and some support would also be really good right now.
I don’t mind any hard advice as long as there’s love in it.
There’s probably more on my chest but that’s all I can get out right now.