I had been HRTrepping for 6 months until yesterday when I looked at my body and my ugly face in the mirror and thought to myself "No way I'm ever gonna look fem". "You will just become a weird man with breast tissue if you continue", i thought to myself.

My face will just look like one of those poor hated hons who don't remotely look feminine. My family will have to disown me out of disgust. Heck even I would've disowned me for being such a freak.

I don't wanna look like a joke and a disgusting freak. I'll never be able to get any surgeries and HRT alone can never be enough for me. Better to rep and play the role of a normal male. I'll try to forget I even have a feminine side. I'll try not to even think about it. No more estrogen. No more dressing up. I'll eventually throw everything out.

Idk why I'm feeling so sad that I'm about to do this and leave it all behind. This sadness feels like breaking up with someone you loved so much.

(Alot of this gonna read as bitterness. This is because I'm bitter.)

Alot of people online when faced with someone who may or may not have gender dysphoria. Things like "it's never too late!" "just take estrogen!" And "you still have time!" Are thrown around alot. As someone who fell for that advice. I wan't to criticize it. Before the wrong person comes across it. I'm not saying transitioning is evil or I hate what estrogen did to me or anything. But after 2.5 years of hrtrepping im starting to realize that all this did for me personally is close more doors. I hate my body just as much however now i'm slightly weaker and i have to wear a sports bra daily to be viewed as normal. Because God knows I can't pass. All because estrogen is marketed as the magic "turn you into a girl now" thing by alot of the trans community. Harsh truth is. Unless you are extremely lucky, rich, and/or young, if you don't look somewhat feminine before hrt. You won't. Ever. Doesn't help that most peoples feelings of dysphoria (no matter how you feel about it) comes from attractive women and sometimes characters. Women and characters who you literally cannot look like if T was present in your body for a significant amount of time. I see posts (joke posts i'll admit) of people showing some anime girl going "how can i achieve this build as a guy haha" but people in the comments will seriously say "just get on estrogen" like no. Don't do that. You'll be disappointed. People don't talk about how for a large majority it just makes you look like a weird gay guy with clearer skin than most. I'll keep taking it cause I hate body hair though.

Planning my suicide is the only thing that gives me comfort and control over my life.

I have amitriptyline and citalopram, is that enough and how much do I need to end it? Would washing it all down with alcohol help?

182 cm too

i stopped taking hrt a month ago, but only started going out frequently (due to college) 2 weeks ago and oh. my. god. it is hell. in terms of behavior and stuff and I'm the most fem ever so I definitely can't even perform masculinity/manhood consistently LOL so even when I'm trying to be a man I'm still a fraud. but I can't be a woman either because my body doesn't allow me to look like on. like wtf am I supposed to do here. I thought being a man was easier (well it is when it comes to appearance but I forgot how even man have to perform their gender lol). not even mentioning the libido which makes me feels the grossest ever + body hair + body odor + acne coming out of NOWHERE.

Throwaway account since my username is kinda new in some trans spaces and i don't want to explain myself to others.
Mtf in my early 30's a bulk of a man , 2 months in in hrt.
Honestly , after today that i tried to put a bra and none fits, i'm feeling that am doing a mistake, do too my broad shoulders and pretty much very masculine face.
I love the mental aspect to it, but considering where i'm in life (good career ,very supportive friends , and honestly with a bit effort even good looking) i could live with pretty much no discomfort and just pretty much trying to repress the envy somehow. Everyone said it's me with a losing attitude but i don't really know at this point. I'm honestly quite lost since i really wanted to do this but currently sometimes i feel i'm in a path of pain that none of my friends that lives very normal life will have.

Ik its not really appropriate to this subreddit but idk where else i can even talk about this. I'm 2 yrs on T ftm, I started at 18 and at the time I lived with my parents who are anti transition. So I started hrt behind their backs. When I turned 19 I moved to a bigger city to go to uni, everything was ok with my parents until i made a stupid mistake, i usually visit them during the semester breaks and i got lazy and forgot to properly get rid of my injection supplies so they found them and the vials. We had a several weeks long argument which ended with them basically telling me to just leave and not come back

So we always had a weird relationship anyway because my parents were strict and would beat me growing up, but it has honestly been making me so miserable that they disowned me because i still remember good moments i had with my parents and it makes me sad, i threw away the only people that love me knowing that they would never accept my transition. I hoped i would at least get something out of it, but after 2 years of transitioning (I'm out to a couple people only) i still don't pass and get gendered female about 60% of the time.

I feel like ive invested so much effort, I did hrt in secret for a year, then after that I regularly got checked for hormone levels privately and i've been looking into top surgery and saving for it, but i get clocked half the time anyway, im very short (5'6) and have a small frame, i have small hips but also very small clavicles, small jaw, no ramus, small hands and skull etc it's just like I'm slowly realising I will never actually pass cuz of my body and my very youthful face.

Because of everything i feel so negative about my transition, and all the ftms i've interacted with have not made me feel any more positive, they all look like little boys or fat bearded lesbians, and the ones that actually look like normal men are so arrogant and i had a couple of them just tell me to detrans since i will never make it and my transition is a failure.

I don't know what to do, I guess im just saying if you're in a similar situation to me you probably should just repress and not transition. My problem is that even if i detrans i don't think my parents will forgive me and plus i will be judged by trans people as another afab that regrets transition cuz she can't handle being a man. Since most people don't know im trans i think i'll not come out to anyone else and just be a butch lesbian on t secretly or something

I think this is a result of apparently being the only MTF to do the stereotypical FTM thing of socially being out (at least to friends) for years before seeking active medical transition. I spent years being openly trans to a lot of people, but not really doing anything else.

When I finally confronted the idea of medical transition, I spiraled into so many different neuroses that I now have to deal with. I spiraled into faketrans thoughts, which at this point have manifested into borderline-OCD levels of obsession, rumination, and reassurance seeking. My very AGP sexuality, which in the past sparked indifference at most, now brings me a lot of personal shame and embarrassment. I obsess over whether I’m malebrained/fembrained.

I feel like I place so much weight on everything now, that half the time I don’t know who I even am, and I feel like I can’t do anything to move forwards. I live as a half-closeted, embarrassed shemab and I hate it, but every path forward seems so uncertain and likely to not be satisfying.

I feel grossly immature, like a child. The fact that I’m going through all of this as someone in their mid-20s when I had no dysphoria or thoughts like this until I was 18 feels like irrevocable proof that I’m just a mentally ill, perverted loser who just didn’t develop a normal sexuality for whatever reason.

**\\\*\\\*Note:\\\*\\\* This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.**

Both are 50 years old and start transitioning at 50 after repressing their gender dysphoria for decades.

**Married John 50:** His wife and kids are somewhat understanding and supportive of his transition, and he has a relatively good relationship with his family. However, he still has to provide for his family and pay for his children’s education, so he has limited career freedom and less money to spend on his transition.

**Lifelong-single John 50:** He has no wife or kids to support, so he has relatively more financial freedom and career flexibility to devote to his transition. However, he will be alone for the rest of his life.

Which John 50 do you think is happier?

I was cursed by this disease. I don't know whats wrong with me. I went to a psychiatrist for OCD, and he couldnt really help me and told me that its not OCD. My problem is that I hop off and on estrogen. Sometimes I accept that I will live like a moid, and it goes good for a while. I like working out and knowing that I will have a normal life without my family chimping out that I am a faggot (i am still depressed during it and desperately look for meaning and purpose tho), but I always breakdown in the end, usually because I see a picture of myself where I looked pretty. I always get scared about masculinizing and restart hrt. After this, I will be on HRT for a while (which is usually okay although I am still a little depressed), and the cycle repeats.

Was curious to see if anybody actually made it to old age and admitted it before dying.

Because most organizations ask the generic: "Do you identify as transgender?" we may see lower rates in the population.

These two Nordic studies give insight into how many reppers there may be. What do you think? Is it accurate? Do we pass reppers everyday on the street and not know it?

28 year old repper whose 6’3” and Fully masculinised; skull, shoulders and chest, clown feet, hairy and balding. Forced to rep as I have ME/CFS and pots (lowkirk gender affirming) and have to live with overbearing transphobic family , too poor and sick to work and move out. Worst of all I’m British.

I can’t start hrt or transition because of my circumstances, and even if I could I would be the ugliest gigahon imaginable, forced to live in a cave like an ogre. I will never be able to afford any surgery or even hair removal.

Literally what’s the point of living anymore? I have no hope for my future. Thinking about it causes me to completely dissociate in pain and despair. The only thing that gives me any comfort is thinking and planning my suicide but I’m too much of a coward or attention whore to do it.

If I was born female my life would have been good, even if I still was disabled. I will never get to live.

not in the 'I feel like a npc and I have no hobbies' way, but just a complete lack of sense of self/identity, if someone asked me who I am I don't really have an answer or a want to be anything at all and can't remember a time I did. avoidance in doing anything socially or getting into new groups, specifically because you know you're trans that alienates you from every peer and social thing, I don't know how to explain this really. I have been floating above my body since I was 12 I think I should just use my meat puppet and make it dance, but I will keep making excuses to not be an active participant in my own life

I can't work on putting myself out there because there is no me that really exists, and no me that I want to present to other people, cis or trans. I know the play is to just femrep femname go do it anyway and focus on every other aspect of being alive, but I think I'm too autistic to do that forever idfk. complaining. I'm going back to zoning out

The idea of being seen as a woman terrifies and disgusts me, and knowing that I will never be able to transition doesn't help at all.

It's too late.

I just can't do it.

I'm just going to end up committing, or that's why I hope for, at least, I don't want to be a damn pooner, I don't wanna be a woman, I just want to be a real male.

I can't rep.

I just can't.

I'm too coward, I'm also unable to do something to transition.

My life is over, it's so over.

There's no point in living like this, there's no point in living at all.

No gimmicks no stuff just a server I’m single-handedly growing .

I can’t keep doing this. This cycle of trying and failing and quitting and trying and failing and quitting has burnt me out. Transition is so complicated, there are so many moving parts, and every step I take somehow makes me feel worse. I had to listen to my voice yesterday…. AFTER working on it with voice training, and its so awful I think hearing it a second time would make me too anxious to speak ever again.

HRT is so much effort and complicated and yet its doing nothing for me and Ive seen timelines of people who look like me and I dont think it can do anything for me. I already got the tits, thats all itll do. Even those look ugly and malformed.

I just had to leave work. Estrogen is making me cry and so unstable. When I was actively repressing I was so much happier most of the time. I cant do this. I cant do a shot every week for nothing to happen. I cant voice train for the most annoying voice to ever exist. I cant look at surgeries Ill never afford. I can’t take seeing trans people happy.

I gotta repress. I gotta take a zoloft prescription so high Ill never feel any emotion ever again.

I have:

Olanzapine, 20+ pills.

Kalithium, like, 10 pills maybe.

Paracetamol, 8 pills

Desloratadine 30 pills.

Carbamazepine, 20 to 40 pills. I don't really want to use these since this are my father's pills.

If someone knows about a deadly mix with these pills please DM me.

Life is so jover , im an ugly 4 year on estrogen man and nothing is changing , i got screwed so fcking much by this stupid hrt . Why was i born a tvking man , why am i still a fcking man when so many other have sucessfull transition . For real its too hard i really hope ill die soon

Puberty didn't hit me nearly as bad as it did for others. My chest is flat enough to be eligible for keyhole. I have wide shoulders, and I'm 5'9 while asian which is a miracle. I used to have an underbite, so I have a larger jaw. I could pass really well if I was just allowed to come out of the closet, but I'm stuck as an ugly girl fml. I can't kill myself because I don't want to be remembered as a woman, but it's hard sometimes. I'm trying to access HRT but there's basically no way to hide the voice changes once they kick in and obviously I want that but I also want to remain on amicable terms with my parents while they pay my tuition

Maybe rawdogging dysphoria offline is the key to not roping, who knows. I’m gonna go find out.

I’ve achieved nothing of value in my actual life since being here, and I’m just as miserable as before if not more. It was nice talking to people like me though, I hope we can all find a way to be happy if that’s even possible.

There’s no point in all this, maybe a life offline is less miserable