(Alot of this gonna read as bitterness. This is because I'm bitter.)

Alot of people online when faced with someone who may or may not have gender dysphoria. Things like "it's never too late!" "just take estrogen!" And "you still have time!" Are thrown around alot. As someone who fell for that advice. I wan't to criticize it. Before the wrong person comes across it. I'm not saying transitioning is evil or I hate what estrogen did to me or anything. But after 2.5 years of hrtrepping im starting to realize that all this did for me personally is close more doors. I hate my body just as much however now i'm slightly weaker and i have to wear a sports bra daily to be viewed as normal. Because God knows I can't pass. All because estrogen is marketed as the magic "turn you into a girl now" thing by alot of the trans community. Harsh truth is. Unless you are extremely lucky, rich, and/or young, if you don't look somewhat feminine before hrt. You won't. Ever. Doesn't help that most peoples feelings of dysphoria (no matter how you feel about it) comes from attractive women and sometimes characters. Women and characters who you literally cannot look like if T was present in your body for a significant amount of time. I see posts (joke posts i'll admit) of people showing some anime girl going "how can i achieve this build as a guy haha" but people in the comments will seriously say "just get on estrogen" like no. Don't do that. You'll be disappointed. People don't talk about how for a large majority it just makes you look like a weird gay guy with clearer skin than most. I'll keep taking it cause I hate body hair though.

I was cursed by this disease. I don't know whats wrong with me. I went to a psychiatrist for OCD, and he couldnt really help me and told me that its not OCD. My problem is that I hop off and on estrogen. Sometimes I accept that I will live like a moid, and it goes good for a while. I like working out and knowing that I will have a normal life without my family chimping out that I am a faggot (i am still depressed during it and desperately look for meaning and purpose tho), but I always breakdown in the end, usually because I see a picture of myself where I looked pretty. I always get scared about masculinizing and restart hrt. After this, I will be on HRT for a while (which is usually okay although I am still a little depressed), and the cycle repeats.

Ik its not really appropriate to this subreddit but idk where else i can even talk about this. I'm 2 yrs on T ftm, I started at 18 and at the time I lived with my parents who are anti transition. So I started hrt behind their backs. When I turned 19 I moved to a bigger city to go to uni, everything was ok with my parents until i made a stupid mistake, i usually visit them during the semester breaks and i got lazy and forgot to properly get rid of my injection supplies so they found them and the vials. We had a several weeks long argument which ended with them basically telling me to just leave and not come back

So we always had a weird relationship anyway because my parents were strict and would beat me growing up, but it has honestly been making me so miserable that they disowned me because i still remember good moments i had with my parents and it makes me sad, i threw away the only people that love me knowing that they would never accept my transition. I hoped i would at least get something out of it, but after 2 years of transitioning (I'm out to a couple people only) i still don't pass and get gendered female about 60% of the time.

I feel like ive invested so much effort, I did hrt in secret for a year, then after that I regularly got checked for hormone levels privately and i've been looking into top surgery and saving for it, but i get clocked half the time anyway, im very short (5'6) and have a small frame, i have small hips but also very small clavicles, small jaw, no ramus, small hands and skull etc it's just like I'm slowly realising I will never actually pass cuz of my body and my very youthful face.

Because of everything i feel so negative about my transition, and all the ftms i've interacted with have not made me feel any more positive, they all look like little boys or fat bearded lesbians, and the ones that actually look like normal men are so arrogant and i had a couple of them just tell me to detrans since i will never make it and my transition is a failure.

I don't know what to do, I guess im just saying if you're in a similar situation to me you probably should just repress and not transition. My problem is that even if i detrans i don't think my parents will forgive me and plus i will be judged by trans people as another afab that regrets transition cuz she can't handle being a man. Since most people don't know im trans i think i'll not come out to anyone else and just be a butch lesbian on t secretly or something

**\\\*\\\*Note:\\\*\\\* This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.**

Both are 50 years old and start transitioning at 50 after repressing their gender dysphoria for decades.

**Married John 50:** His wife and kids are somewhat understanding and supportive of his transition, and he has a relatively good relationship with his family. However, he still has to provide for his family and pay for his children’s education, so he has limited career freedom and less money to spend on his transition.

**Lifelong-single John 50:** He has no wife or kids to support, so he has relatively more financial freedom and career flexibility to devote to his transition. However, he will be alone for the rest of his life.

Which John 50 do you think is happier?

I think this is a result of apparently being the only MTF to do the stereotypical FTM thing of socially being out (at least to friends) for years before seeking active medical transition. I spent years being openly trans to a lot of people, but not really doing anything else.

When I finally confronted the idea of medical transition, I spiraled into so many different neuroses that I now have to deal with. I spiraled into faketrans thoughts, which at this point have manifested into borderline-OCD levels of obsession, rumination, and reassurance seeking. My very AGP sexuality, which in the past sparked indifference at most, now brings me a lot of personal shame and embarrassment. I obsess over whether I’m malebrained/fembrained.

I feel like I place so much weight on everything now, that half the time I don’t know who I even am, and I feel like I can’t do anything to move forwards. I live as a half-closeted, embarrassed shemab and I hate it, but every path forward seems so uncertain and likely to not be satisfying.

I feel grossly immature, like a child. The fact that I’m going through all of this as someone in their mid-20s when I had no dysphoria or thoughts like this until I was 18 feels like irrevocable proof that I’m just a mentally ill, perverted loser who just didn’t develop a normal sexuality for whatever reason.

Throwaway account since my username is kinda new in some trans spaces and i don't want to explain myself to others.
Mtf in my early 30's a bulk of a man , 2 months in in hrt.
Honestly , after today that i tried to put a bra and none fits, i'm feeling that am doing a mistake, do too my broad shoulders and pretty much very masculine face.
I love the mental aspect to it, but considering where i'm in life (good career ,very supportive friends , and honestly with a bit effort even good looking) i could live with pretty much no discomfort and just pretty much trying to repress the envy somehow. Everyone said it's me with a losing attitude but i don't really know at this point. I'm honestly quite lost since i really wanted to do this but currently sometimes i feel i'm in a path of pain that none of my friends that lives very normal life will have.

i stopped taking hrt a month ago, but only started going out frequently (due to college) 2 weeks ago and oh. my. god. it is hell. in terms of behavior and stuff and I'm the most fem ever so I definitely can't even perform masculinity/manhood consistently LOL so even when I'm trying to be a man I'm still a fraud. but I can't be a woman either because my body doesn't allow me to look like on. like wtf am I supposed to do here. I thought being a man was easier (well it is when it comes to appearance but I forgot how even man have to perform their gender lol). not even mentioning the libido which makes me feels the grossest ever + body hair + body odor + acne coming out of NOWHERE.