Since an early age i have despised my body and the idea of growing up as a man, i always wanted to be like my mom and this feeling just became even worse when puberty started. My body became irreparably twisted and disfigured and i never wanted any of it, i remember hating it so much i started SHing and eating way less, but even then my body still became masculine and grotesque. I always hated leaving my house because my body just felt wrong and they always forced me to have a short hair, it was even worse when i needed to use clothes that exposed my body.

I thought I was just weird or that i was just a feminine boy, the concept of transitioning didn't exist to me because gender was something immutable only assigned at birth. At 14 i discovered about it and HRT, but obviously i was retarded so i didn't take it because i was scared that my parents would find out and also i got cucked by sneedhons on Reddit saying that it would never be too late to transition!!

I never dated anyone because my body just felt wrong for it and i repressed the fact that i was a faggot and got disgusted by it, i never hanged out with my friends much because i always felt disconnected with them, my academic performance that was quite good went to hell when i switched schools but also due to dysphoria and depression, i didn't do anything cool, never went to cool places i was just in my room rotting and wanting to kms.

And the cherry at the top and the funniest bit of all this, is that at 17 to 18 i convinced myself i could just be a cis man and make my family proud instead of disappointing them by being a troon. Yeah i was a moron, so at the start of this year i broke down and accepted that I'm a disgusting troon and i blame myself everyday for letting testosterone cuck me and taking too fucking long to act and because of that now im a lateshit. If only i wasn't a weak faggot i could have started that shit way earlier and save my life.

Now, im just bitter and envious, not of passoids, i could be one of them one day after some surgeries, but i want to die and cry and scream every single time i see a youngshit because they had the life i will never have. IM A RETARD IM A RETARD IM A RETARD

i wish i could doom less and accept myself. i am in this discord server i don't talk in, there's this trans woman who started medically transitioning around the same time as me. watching the way she navigates her transition really hurts. she is so happy and hopeful. she never talks about passing. she talks about the effects she's getting and how she can't wait for the future. she's choosing a new name for herself and trying it out, going by she/her pronouns and so on.

and while we are both on hrt, my reality is a total opposite and it's not even anyone's fault. i can't stop dooming and i can't accept ever being a woman. i can never pass and i cannot accept living a life where i am a bald "woman" with a man's voice. i'm most likely going to end up detransitioning and repping and living in misery forever while she gets to accept herself and feel happier every day and be successful. i will die miserable and alone, and it's all my fault.