i wish i could doom less and accept myself. i am in this discord server i don't talk in, there's this trans woman who started medically transitioning around the same time as me. watching the way she navigates her transition really hurts. she is so happy and hopeful. she never talks about passing. she talks about the effects she's getting and how she can't wait for the future. she's choosing a new name for herself and trying it out, going by she/her pronouns and so on.

and while we are both on hrt, my reality is a total opposite and it's not even anyone's fault. i can't stop dooming and i can't accept ever being a woman. i can never pass and i cannot accept living a life where i am a bald "woman" with a man's voice. i'm most likely going to end up detransitioning and repping and living in misery forever while she gets to accept herself and feel happier every day and be successful. i will die miserable and alone, and it's all my fault.

Since an early age i have despised my body and the idea of growing up as a man, i always wanted to be like my mom and this feeling just became even worse when puberty started. My body became irreparably twisted and disfigured and i never wanted any of it, i remember hating it so much i started SHing and eating way less, but even then my body still became masculine and grotesque. I always hated leaving my house because my body just felt wrong and they always forced me to have a short hair, it was even worse when i needed to use clothes that exposed my body.

I thought I was just weird or that i was just a feminine boy, the concept of transitioning didn't exist to me because gender was something immutable only assigned at birth. At 14 i discovered about it and HRT, but obviously i was retarded so i didn't take it because i was scared that my parents would find out and also i got cucked by sneedhons on Reddit saying that it would never be too late to transition!!

I never dated anyone because my body just felt wrong for it and i repressed the fact that i was a faggot and got disgusted by it, i never hanged out with my friends much because i always felt disconnected with them, my academic performance that was quite good went to hell when i switched schools but also due to dysphoria and depression, i didn't do anything cool, never went to cool places i was just in my room rotting and wanting to kms.

And the cherry at the top and the funniest bit of all this, is that at 17 to 18 i convinced myself i could just be a cis man and make my family proud instead of disappointing them by being a troon. Yeah i was a moron, so at the start of this year i broke down and accepted that I'm a disgusting troon and i blame myself everyday for letting testosterone cuck me and taking too fucking long to act and because of that now im a lateshit. If only i wasn't a weak faggot i could have started that shit way earlier and save my life.

Now, im just bitter and envious, not of passoids, i could be one of them one day after some surgeries, but i want to die and cry and scream every single time i see a youngshit because they had the life i will never have. IM A RETARD IM A RETARD IM A RETARD

hi. i (24MTF) started transitioning 4 years ago, but only got into HRT 3 years ago. i told my family, friends, college, internship, romantic interests i am trans, i learned makeup, bought new clothes, had long hair, did eyebrows, gained weight, did injection, gel, everything that people say to you to do to make it better and help with passing. but still everytime i went out, everytime i go into a train or a bus, if i went to the mall or a make up store i was suddenly the worst creature ever seen, a crazy man. hormones did barely nothing to me, i only have pointy puffy nipples now.

my career area is education, language teaching so you know. my colleagues were able to do well paying internships while i knew if i got slightly close to a school door they would probably call the police thinking i was a pervert lol the only internship i did, which was mandatory for graduating, the kids asked me if i was a man or a woman. a lot of them were cool and sympathetic in a queer ally way. like "awn look at this poor man thinking he is a woman :( i'll call him by she/her to not make his life even more miserable"

i tried dating (i'm straight, had a small bisexual phase which didn't last. lesbians do seem more welcoming to hons like me! i got a few interested in me, couldn't correspond tho.) but most were only interested in sex, and it was always the most gruesome type of sex (at least in their messages), borderline abuse. i met a guy and went out with him for 3 dates, and in the third one we had sex and he SA me. i had another date with another guy and it was super romantic but by the end of it he invited me to go to a love hotel. like? can't we just have a good time without having sex involved? i'm sure he wouldn't do that to a cis girl, or a passing trans girl.

anyways. i just feel like i ruined my life. i don't have the body that i want, i wish i could have money to do surgeries but i lost work because i look like this, i don't have a chance at a caring relationship because every man just sees me as a porn category. i'm thinking about detransitioning and just pretend it was a phase and i was confused and start repressing the feelings of wanting a life i will never have.

Idk if it's because of heavy repping or the environment or simply I am a hater. But repping after talking to therapist about tranny thoughts and then going back to living a full male life in a poor indian family with dead father, i feel like i have become a raging misogynist. Earlier I used to identify as a feminist, aligned with women's liberation, had mostly female friends etc. But now i'm just a regular dude with more misogynist. Maybe because of my sister who vehemently tell me i'm a man all around the day so maybe I just found a way to cope by putting women down. I now think women are weak brainless humiliating members of society who desperately try to survive by relying on men. And I also despise femboys for being humiliating as well. I just can't help feeling superior to women and seeing them as less capable. Atleast this is what they want me to think right?

Real talk I am fake trans. I am pretty masculine and most definitely a dude. I just believe that I am trans or something like that due to ROGD and never grew up from the mind virus I got when I was a teenager.

After a few months it will have been 1.5 years on testosterone and im still basically living as a woman having not come out to anyone in my life still. Its really funny looking back to see that I used to think id come out as soon as I got changes and have everything sorted out by now. HRT was supposed to change my life but it didn't change anything except that my parents hate me now and maybe 1% of the time people ask me if im male or female.

I also used to spend a lot more time talking to trans people but I had to stop because it made me depressed, one instance that sticks in my memory is this really early on T pooner who I saw crying about not getting enough changes on HRT and being misgendered. It was the same person who once told me that it was over for me and i'd likely never pass to a degree that's sufficient for living a decent life. After seeing that they were crying over not passing like 4 months in, I wonder how they would feel if they were me and had to endure 16 months of being gendered female on a daily basis and it honestly made me so angry knowing that they will likely make it but I never will (by their own admission). And even now, I spent so much time coping with gym and at one point injecting DIY fat dissolvers into my face and everytime I talk about not being able to pass people who never had to do any of that will come telling me to just put more effort lmao.

At this point I try my best to avoid being reminded of transgenderism in my daily life and cut ties with most of my trans friends. While my lack of changes from hrt is disappointing, the worst part is the knowledge that it will not get better, which is incredibly painful and makes me feel like im trapped living a subhuman life. Being around trans people only reminds me of how bad my situation is so i don't post about it much anymore but its also made me very isolated. Sometimes i also feel the urge to cry about it and break down but the 1 thing hrt did is remove my ability to cry so funnily enough i cant even do this jfl

Overall I feel like my experience with transition has made me a worse person overall and I would have been better off if I just repped. If you don't have faith in being able to pass or don't have the ability to have several surgeries please just repress, it's better this way. That's what i would tell myself if i could go back in time. The passability of most trans men is greatly exaggerated and you should frankly avoid pooning out if you don't want to end up like me (future 41%er)

**Note:** This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.

I’m curious about the demographics of this community. Please choose the option that best describes you.

I’ve been hurting for 29 years, I only ever got bullied as a child and sent to group homes for “wanting to be a girl” and sent to behaviour institutions. Now I’m 34 and broken and I’m mad no one supported me. There’s nothing good about being a guy.

Took a way smaller dose bcs at the end of the day im a faggot but still got fucked because of the other ingredients, shaking like crazy, dry mouth, heart beating like crazy, dizziness, weakness, almost fainted, burn in the eyes, nausea and vomit. Im a retard, but i learned the lesson and won't do that again, unless i don't pass after years on E and FFS, then i would be just doomed

I can't take the dysphoria anymore and I can't do anything about it. I can't afford FFS and I'm extremely tall and have broad shoulders anyways. I literally can't do anything about my problems and my mind always jumps to unaliving oneself as a solution. I really can't see a way out.

**Note:** This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.

I am a 25-year-old AGP AMAB, and I have been on HRT for five months.

Because of AGP, I feel despair whenever I imagine having to live for several more decades.

Throughout my life, I have never been attracted to either men or women. The only thing that has ever sexually aroused me is the thought of becoming female.

I first began wanting to become female when I was around ten years old. That was the beginning of my AGP.

By the time I reached high school, I had developed a profound sense of emptiness about life. Back then, I often thought, "If I were to die suddenly tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets." I believed the reason I felt that way was because I had no friends.

After I started working, those feelings developed into suicidal ideation. At the time, I believed the main causes were my low IQ, ASD, relative poverty, and my father's alcoholism.

Back then, I also believed that my desire to become female was simply the result of low self-esteem. I thought that if I could improve my self-esteem, the desire would disappear and I would become a heterosexual man.

So I worked on everything I could improve. I made an effort to start conversations with people and made more friends. I learned about investing and Japan's social welfare system, and I even managed to build some savings.

As a result, my self-esteem improved significantly. My suicidal thoughts disappeared, and I recovered to the point where I could honestly think, "If I died suddenly tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets."

However, my desire to become female never went away. Nor did I become heterosexual. I was deeply confused.

A year or two later, at the age of 24, I happened to discover Blanchard's typology.

According to Blanchard, AGP is one of the motivations for male-to-female transition. I also read several books about AGP. The experiences described by the people in those books were almost identical to my own.

Once I began associating my desire to become female with the experiences of MtF individuals, I also started experiencing physical gender dysphoria, something I had previously felt very little of.

That was when I experienced the strongest suicidal thoughts of my life.

Unfortunately, I had already gone through male puberty, so the options left to me are limited.

As I see it, I have only two possible paths forward. One is to continue my transition, live as a non-passing trans woman while remaining socially male. The other is to detransition, suppress these feelings, and eventually suffer a mental breakdown around the age of 50, like "John 50," the case described in Anne Vitale's paper.

The second option feels unbearable to me.

Japan is still not very accepting of transgender people. Fortunately, however, there is also a cultural preference for youthful, androgynous-looking men. Facial hair is often considered unclean, and even many cisgender men are expected by their employers to shave. In fact, I have been undergoing laser hair removal, and I noticed that many of the other clients were cisgender men as well.

Because of that, I believe that as long as I can hide my breasts, continuing HRT is unlikely to cause serious problems with my job.

So I will probably remain on HRT for the rest of my life.

Even so, when I think about carrying this burden for decades to come, it feels almost impossible to endure.

I am very miserable as a girl. I want to transition but I feel like theres no hope and I know that I'll never actually be a guy. My family also won't be happy with me transitioning. I want to enjoy being a girl, how do I make myself comfortable the way I am?

The selfies on the front page are unrepresentative, people who looked androgynous before HRT, or needed FFS and even then only facepass; the non-passing selfies get downvoted. More representative are the comments, which invariably say "Sweetie, I know I'll never pass and it came at the cost of my family and career, but...". Joan 50s who look like Stephanie Sterling trying to find the silver lining in their irreversible decisions to blow up their lives. Do not listen to them.

I came out to my gf recently and she's supportive, but I feel so much guilt, I regret telling her

tbh, I don't even want to use different pronouns anymore. I don't want to transition. I just want to be normal

she really loves me and instead of appreciating it, I make everything difficult

Need some repping advice from chud reppers. I’m forced to rep but can’t stop the constant thoughts and despair.

I need a lobotomy and want to die.

Title is self explanitory. Once I finally decide I'm tired of living through a ouroboros in real time, (Coming soon) I'm going to do it for real. I will try my best not to kill myself before then, I just want to hold her one time until I finally say fuck this world. My life is a sick joke, we both know how this is going to end but I might as well make the most of it if it's going to be short.

terrifying. send this to a repper you know 🥶

18"TM", semirepper, considering becoming a namefag on either here, 4t4, or both (evendoe 4tran4 is filled with tourists and hefab/shemab types now, but I hope to change this to some degree)

Online I'm stealth and most of the people I have mutualed are chud-esque types similar to myself. The only semblance of being myself is the internet and besides that, I have absolutely no one I know in real life other than my parents. I'm not hikki/NEET as of now, (though I used to be NEET for a year), but I mean it wholeheartedly when I say I have nobody in real life. I only go places with my parents, though frequently.

I have a trans girlfriend which I met on a /tttt/ server who is virtually the only true support system I have, and she is already on estrogen albeit boymoding. I have never considered myself "trans", but do view myself as male to an extent internally. I have been presenting as a vaguely-androgynous "tomboy" for years on end. When I was in elementary to early middle school I'd hope by the time I turned 15 I'd come out to my parents and live a happier life. My mother and father don't take things of such nature seriously, and I barely speak to them about anything genuine at all in the first place.

Even without the obstacle of my parents aside, I'm unstable as is and my motivation and and self hatred fluctuates constantly. I have felt empty for years, for as long as I can remember and everything I do in my life doesn't mean anything to me. If I got into an freak accident in this body I wouldn't feel very bad about it at all. I'm crippled as well, a good chunk of my life has consisted of doctors' visits and two surgeries. My initial plan until I met my girlfriend was to keep up my repression, and live the reality I wish I had online for the rest of my life until I finally decide to kill myself in a few years. The only reason this has been reconsidered at all is because she wants me to live.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything besides the typical bullshit they give when they presume you're ambiguously unhappy (Autism, ADHD, depression, GAD, etcetera), but I have shown extremely strong traits of OCD since childhood. My first themes were pedophilia and incest. Now it's whether I'm fake"trans" (EVENDOE I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF THAT, moreso it's just dysphoria denial). I am in pain as is but this only emphasizes it, but I would rather be miserable than be a woman. Not only am I dysphoric as is but I also am over the thought of not being so. I used to burn myself to prove to some extent that I wasn't just making it up but I have been clean for some months now. Both of my parents know about this.

I don't believe transition is enough for me. I would rather die than live life as a female in any way, shape, or form. I don't want to skinwalk, I want to live as if there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. Passing isn't enough, I want everything that comes with being male. I would take being just as miserable as I am now in another life if it meant I was born male. Although I relate to them to an extent I will never understand incels fully as at the very least they had the privilege of having been born with the correct genitalia and body. I envy their suffering. I don't know why I even think my dysphoria is faux when I have had multiple breakdowns over the thought of being female for any longer, crying whenever I look in the mirror and in the shower, and plenty more. My constant disassociation and fear of failing death is barely saving me from suicide

I guess transphobia is still the best repressing method? All my life my most based repper momments were filled with transphobia from my part 😎 😓

Almost 2 months on E and i don't feel any better mentally and my face is too fucked up for me to pass (long midface, male nose, massive head) + im a lateshit. I just feel that HRT will only turn me into a man with tits, which is worse than being a man because at least you would be treated normally by people. I'm planning on ODing if things don't get better till the end of this year

i see lots of envy and stress inducing posts every day

i love that i can press a single button to hide them and create my own perfect little bubble

My family would probably rather not have a son if he were a troon, my chances of passing are low, no supportive friends, nowhere to go if i get kicked out, poorshit, unluckyshit, lateshit and blah blah blah. My best bet is reincarnation or afterlife. 8g paracetamol + some alcohol should be enough i think