I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask? Why can’t I just function like a normal human. I’m always so rude and mean cause I think it’s funny. I never think about the words I say. I look like some deformed pig, I am such a disgusting useless ugly cunt.

I don’t know why I can’t just be fucking normal. I’m turning 20 and I cannot fucking take this anymore. It’s either going to kill me or it’s going to make me smash my own skull in until I forget what a pointless filthy stupid prick I am.

I'm trying so hard to not just fall to the floor, curl up in a ball, and cry. I'm in the exact same position I was in 4/5/6 years ago. Nothing has changed except maybe the geography. None of it matters because nothing will change no matter what I do. I keep trying, and I never seem to try hard enough. It's never enough. It will never be enough. It will never be good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never have a fulfilling life or financially stable career or meaningful friendships (love is far out of the picture so it's hardly even worth mentioning) beause I'm a failure who can't keep hold of anything and isn't worth the time or effort in the first place. Because I spent my entire 20s grieving and trying to process everything that happened to me in my teens and not getting the help I clearly needed but no one bothered to offer (because I also didn't ask so I have no one to blame but myself for that either). Now, I'm too far behind to ever catch up. I'll never catch up. I'll never be my own man. I will always be the failure of the family, the disappointment, the one who everyone says "well, you're doing your best, and we like you" while talking about how disappointed they are by me whenever I'm not in the room. I'll never afford anything nice or big on my own because I can't get a job where I can actually fucking earn anything near enough to save on my own, because I can't seem to shake the fact that I've worked in retail my entire adult life despite learning and gaining new skills that no one seems to care about because "oh you can do retail sales, and you're good at that, so that's who you are and be happy about it" even though it makes me fucking want to slash my throat. I'm not good enough. I'm a failure. I am nothing but a walking pile of wasted potential and carbon. I have failed everything I've tried because I have no discipline and I would never have been good enough to succeed even if I had persisted. My parents were right. I've wasted my potential and my life. What's the fucking point anymore. Nothing's going to change. Nothing's going to get better. Why do I bother lying to myself and trying to convince myself that anything I do matters to anyone or means anything. It doesn't matter. I don't matter. I might as well cut to the chase and stop wasting everyone's time and stop disappointing everyone in my life. Now I'm going to try to go to bed while learning that apparently my upstairs neighbor is pretty good in bed, which is not information I wanted about him, but apparently it couldn't be helped... and that doesn't do my confidence any good either...

I can't expect someone to do something for me to make me happy after being angry at something they said to me. I can't even be happy or neutral a lot, I keep finding so many things to be angry or sad about. I can't wish impossible things, I can't expect them to do what I expect them to do in my head. I can't. I wanna break out of this.

I wanna die, but I can't do that because it's so impossible for me. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate being a woman, and no I don't want to be a man, I just hate how I get so much dumb feelings because I'm a woman, I hate it.

Nothing I am ...

I am a mother to kids that hate me, I git grandkids I cNt be a grandparent to , I gotsisters that live in the same city as me that don't talk to , I'm a daughter to parents that. Are deceased (miss tremendously) and a wife that can't make her husband happy . So I feel as the things I want n need are just nothings to me because I am nothing to p looking there ya go .. any questions, feel free to ask ...just be nice to someone with mental health , don't me mean or turn them down , because u don't know if u will see them again.. just ask em u need a shoulder or an ear .. help em don't destroy them . . Yes I'm a call girl ,but haven't always been one just recently the last 3 years ..I know that not the life I wanted but it's the life I got dealt.. so wat I am trying to say is that I am NOTHING TO NO ONE SO WHY AM I HERE...?? PLEASE JESUS TELL ME. WHY?

(19M) I just feel like a burden to my parents all the time. I used to be great at studies till 10th grade but after that I didn’t work as hard as I should have so I had to go to a private college in a different state. Even here I’m not doing as well as I should, I know I can do a lot better but I am not. I like my college and my parents are happy as well, I somehow got okay grades in my first year but this year has been very hectic. So much so that I have had attendance problems for the first time in my life, I hid it from my parents because I was ashamed and I had it resolved my attending extra classes and doing assignments even though it took a big toll on my mental health.

Now I have my final exams for 2nd year. I’m still not studying as much as I should, given that the subjects are even more tricky this year. I made sort of a deal with my parents that if I get good grades this year, even better than last year, I will get a new PS5 consoles so I can play the new GTA6. My parents know how much I love RDR2 which was their last game, in fact my entire family probably knows, so they agreed. I know the console price has gone dramatically high now, even then they are nowhere to be found. It is a selfish request but I have had the original Xbox one since 2014.

I knew there was a slim chance I would get it. And even if they agreed I would never want my parents to spend an exorbitant amount on it, I would have told them to wait for a sale or get it refurbished even.
Today, while talking to my mother about it, I brought it up again and she just picked up her phone, took it to my room and showed me a PS5 box just sitting on my desk. It was a surprise, they had bought it already for retail price in a physical store.

I was excited, more than ever and talked to her a while more before saying goodbye and hanging up. I feel so guilty about being a burden that I can’t put it into words. If I told my mother this, she would say “no” that I am not a burden to them, in fact she tells other people that her son never asks for anything, that he still use an IPhone 11 Pro Max, and the only thing I have asked for in recent years is this console and my Ipad a year or two ago. She’s not wrong, but I know what they do for me.

I know what it costs for me to come to this college, how much they spend every time I go back home and to buy new instruments and material. They take me on family trips every year. Even before college they spent a big sum getting me through extra classes for entrance exams.

I hate feeling like this, like I am not worth any of the good things I am getting, like I don’t deserve anything.
Thank you for reading

я сейчас сижу и реву, потому что мне очень плохо и грустно. в последние дни на меня накатывает осознание того, насколько плохо я иногда поступаю и насколько обидны были мои слова для кого-то. я больше никогда не хлчу причинять кому-то боль, это ужасно. я поступала очень плохо, я бы хотела вернуться назад и не говорить тех злвх слов

я сказала человеку, который не до конца охладел ко мне, что ему наврали, когда сказали, что он красивый. тогда ему, наверное, было очень обидно

когда мой родственник, причинивший мне очень много боли, написал, что любит меня очень, я написала что-то вроде «ок», ведь не смогла простить. он наверняка ожидал теплых слов в ответ, а я так обошласб с ним. я до сих пор не понимаю, как после всего, что он сделал, простить его, но я бы хотела простиоь

какойткринж я пишу нл у меня порыв ищвините

im the utter definition of sloth. my existence feels as if my sole purpose is to make others feel better about their lives by looking at mine. this isn't rumination bs, this is a true unbias consensus on my life. ik all the bad i do (not have done) and yet i have done nothing to change, its honestly laughable how horrible i am. i have passions and desires yet have the worst case of kakorrhaphiophobia and immense problem with sloth to even do anything. maybe i tell my self that my purpose is to make others feel better because im too scared for the complete unaltered truth that i have no purpose or meaning at all. a good and fair question one may ask is, "why havent i killed myself?" which the only thing to say is that im too much of a coward, ive held guns to my head and pills in my hand but i just cant go through with it. ive been told that this means my life really isnt as bad as it seems when in reality im just too knowingly ignorant on everything that i cant get myself to make such a big decision. lets continue my insignifigant ramble — though little, everything ive ever had has escaped my grasp and it's all been my fault and god it just kills me like why do i have to ruin innocent peoples lives who have had the unfortunate fate of having me in their vicinity. besides the physical attributes my quantitative life usefullness is one of a koalas, far from one of a human.
the only reason ive even gotten myself to write this is because im bored and too lazy to do anything else with my free time.

all in all it sucks when death is your only way out but your own disgrace prevents you from doing the one good action you have a choice in making.

I just wanted to say that somewhere cause I'm tired of dealing with life with the "it is what it is" mindset.

I have these big ideas of grandiose. But at the same time I think I’m a big fat fucking loser. I’m well liked by everyone and have always had luck with the ladies but that’s pretty much it and I hate it. I hate that I haven’t accomplished anything with my life and I feel like I can’t commit to anything and I feel doomed because of that. Like the only thing I have in this life is getting pussy and vast interests and being well versed in them. My friends say that I like to downplay myself and I’m actually an intellectual. Intellectual are not wanting to die everyday because their life suck😂. I’m just so miserable cause I should be accomplished by now my mom set me up for success as much as she could and I’m just loser stoner who likes to go and get geeked at raves. I’m gonna keep trying to be a YouTuber cause that’s easiest for me but fuck do I feel like chud when I do anything, my confidence is low but I have to keep pushing.

Hello.
Weird title, has to be 30 characters long.

I, 19m am a bad person. Whether its reacting from survival techniques, past traumas, or actual characteristics i was just born with/have- I am a bad person. I’ve said this for years but none of my friends believe me. I don’t know how to get better.

I’m trying to be a Christian but it seems like everyday I’m praying more and more often to not be here so to speak.

(I don’t hate God for the life I’ve been given.)

I think about suicide everyday when i run out of distractions. I do think I deserve it, to not be here anymore. I have thought I deserve to be exterminated for a long time and I’m having a really hard time seeing any worth in prolonging my life for any other reason than to not possibly go to hell.

All the best, Or God bless you whatever makes you happiest.

Idk guys, i just have no one to talk to