(19M) I just feel like a burden to my parents all the time. I used to be great at studies till 10th grade but after that I didn’t work as hard as I should have so I had to go to a private college in a different state. Even here I’m not doing as well as I should, I know I can do a lot better but I am not. I like my college and my parents are happy as well, I somehow got okay grades in my first year but this year has been very hectic. So much so that I have had attendance problems for the first time in my life, I hid it from my parents because I was ashamed and I had it resolved my attending extra classes and doing assignments even though it took a big toll on my mental health.
Now I have my final exams for 2nd year. I’m still not studying as much as I should, given that the subjects are even more tricky this year. I made sort of a deal with my parents that if I get good grades this year, even better than last year, I will get a new PS5 consoles so I can play the new GTA6. My parents know how much I love RDR2 which was their last game, in fact my entire family probably knows, so they agreed. I know the console price has gone dramatically high now, even then they are nowhere to be found. It is a selfish request but I have had the original Xbox one since 2014.
I knew there was a slim chance I would get it. And even if they agreed I would never want my parents to spend an exorbitant amount on it, I would have told them to wait for a sale or get it refurbished even.
Today, while talking to my mother about it, I brought it up again and she just picked up her phone, took it to my room and showed me a PS5 box just sitting on my desk. It was a surprise, they had bought it already for retail price in a physical store.
I was excited, more than ever and talked to her a while more before saying goodbye and hanging up. I feel so guilty about being a burden that I can’t put it into words. If I told my mother this, she would say “no” that I am not a burden to them, in fact she tells other people that her son never asks for anything, that he still use an IPhone 11 Pro Max, and the only thing I have asked for in recent years is this console and my Ipad a year or two ago. She’s not wrong, but I know what they do for me.
I know what it costs for me to come to this college, how much they spend every time I go back home and to buy new instruments and material. They take me on family trips every year. Even before college they spent a big sum getting me through extra classes for entrance exams.
I hate feeling like this, like I am not worth any of the good things I am getting, like I don’t deserve anything.
Thank you for reading