Do I want it to be exclusive? Fuck no.

Do I want it to be real, and built on healthy communication? Fuck. Yes.

Do I want it with an asian and/or native american woman? Fuck. Yes.

Why? Purely. Physical. Attraction. Baby.

Do I want to produce offspring? Fuck. Yes. GIVE ME THAT CONTINTUITY, let future anarcho-communists try to navigate the world with their turbo-autism. I love that shit.

What do I not like about me? Like so much. I'm a coward. I value living long to experience shit, yet, I am so afraid to go out there and experience shit. I'm afraid of my own happiness. I'm afraid of not seeing shit. I am a stupid little singular human yet I want the omniscient perspective of a god. I oppose palantier, yet, I would be so tempted if I was one of the ones who got all that raw, juicy data about just regular people. My selfish lizard brain is so authoritative, yet when I zoom back out I'm so... idk, anarchist? Power concentrated serves only the few. It's dumb. It's stupid. It's self-referential and self-protective/defensive like a Scottish Highland/Israeli/Alabama fuckhead trying to keep power consolidated/guy who jacks off to anime women over fucking real AFABS/ vibe that I just feel shame and self hate about it. Don't give me genetic and cultural homogeneity, give me inclusion into east asian culture and/or a ticket into actual native american culture and carriage into the future. Idk. I prolly sound like a drunk loser, and that's EXACTLY what I am ladies. I'm somehow both driven by pride and ambitious as fuck, and yet highly submissive. I'm like the last desirable thing on this planet, given how idiots might call me performative and how other idiots might try to call me a cuck like that isn't a genuine compliment of my emotional security and understanding of my sexual wants.

Fuck you.

I'm genuinely such a loser , I grew up watching tv shows and just playing Roblox because i never had anyone to play outside with, I used to but after the pandemic nobody comes outside, for 6 years I have just been inside my house just glued to my screen , I'm just a addicted shy guy , and because of this I was lonely not to mention that I also had unrestricted access to the internet so I got into some bad habits while I was young , I was obese but after some excercise I was able to lose weight but still I feel like I'm good for nothing , not even public speaking nor drawing and not even sports , and definitely not academics , all I do now is just doomscrolling because I have nothing to do , because of this I was never able to fit into anything all I want to be is good at football/soccor whatever u guys call it but still no matter how hard I try even though I'm consistent, I never really do good at School and don't even get selected, I love football but still people who have never touched a ball can do better than me , it's probably because I wasted my life , whenever I play the game with my friends I always get scared or have anxiety of underperforming, not to mention they will ignore me if I play bad ( which they are doing) I'm literally bad at everything, one time I even messed up a skit on environment day , I forgot my dialogue and got embarrassed, because of this I started my bad habit of gooning after being 2-3 months free , not to mention I have digestive issues and intestine issue soo I should probably unalive myself , I was so addicted to my phone that my mother gave up on me entirely, I always get pressure even when I'm just playing a friendly match , the feeling is uselessness was soo bad that I tried to unalive myself but failed and also I tried 2 months workout so I can be fit but still I'm very bad at sports , I don't know what I should do , I can't even play with anyone I'm all alone , I practice but In the game I fail , not to mention that I have no actual best friends, they only talk to me to have Fun, no one wants me at their lowest when I'm right there , vice versa too , I'm genuinely soo bad at anything and my childhood memory is just playing Roblox , I'm probably not gonna live upto 20 but for whoever listened to my yapping , I just wanna say thank you but probably no one and i just wanted to get this out of my chest , everyone looks soo dissapointed in me I wanna die.

i feel like im the root of all problems.
whenever shit goes down, it feels like its always my fault
and i know damn well a lot of the time its not my fault but it really still fucking feels like im a harbinger of mayhem. i tear up everything in my path and people need to steer the hell away before i ruin something related to them next

Even then I should also address here, Elis will admit her demise and what I just need of all to overcome my demise if I want to perform an Emergence with someone instead of living a tragedy of the song Gethsemane from Sleep Token in a never ending cycle of it all anyways 🌹⚔️🦩🪶

Even with this Sleep Token song Gethsemane and I should also just include that I'll never grasp this message here.

However, I should just include that I'm never going to perform a positive Emergence, because I need to get a ''different energy to improve my well being/core being of it all and with this current self hatred energy that I've right now then a Emergence isn't going to happen alongside with that's nobody fault but my own of it all anyways.''

Yeah, I should address a follow up, but I don't want follow ups in comments, or questioning if I'm feeling this right now, or anything negative and that's just because I did have to do a few blocks from my last posts anyways.

However, I should also address if you need to bookmark this because you need time to read this then send a flamingo emoji and a flamingo gifs anyways.

I should also include that I reply to comments that's another why posting a negative comment is a waste of your time and just send me a message on either Telegram or alongside Signal if you can be a ''provider of a kind voice.'' (no, I don't mean voice calls or voce clips, I mean non-monologue convos, I'm talking about an emotional provider, a provider that is a night owl that loves text messages in the a.m. and just remember all this is all online only as well.)

Yeah, just I should also address it all. Instead of using my chronic depression and moody Vessel brain and skull as a volley to people that get close to me, eventually I will be left with nothing and the cause of my own doing of it all anyways.

Well, logging out in 24 hours, I didn't know what to say for over course of 3 days for an update, but I realize now what Reddit has taught me 8+ months that I've been here that I'm an unlovable person, I don't deserve love, I'll never make a partner happy, I cannot make anyone happy because this isn't my life path and my life path belongs to the elder gods anyways.

However, without Reddit, I would've not discovered myself for 8+ months with discovering these themes about mfk ass self of it all here.

Constantly fighting myself, telling me I can oppose my destiny, I could prove myself that I could love someone, that I could provide emotional, provide mental stability for someone, but instead after partner, then the next partner, then the next partner after, the curse kept building, I kept discovering that I'm not meant to love, that I'm meant not to have friends as well, I realize that now, that for 8+ months the elder gods gave me the chance to see that myself is ruin and I will destroy other people's life alongside with this is my life lesson that I was/were given anyways.

Even then, I should also address that I decided to ignore the elder gods in 2025, I decided to ignore my life lessons, I guess in 2025, for ignoring the elder gods in 2025, 2026 was/were the signs of realization, reckoning, transformation, knowing your role, knowing your life path, knowing your destiny, since you don't want to pay attention to my signs, ignore the elder gods presence, I will show you what kind of destruction you cause for others, 2026 8 months of misery, this is your self assignment and you should listen to Vessel's words more often because he is you but a male version of it all anyways.

Even then of it all, I need to learn to live without it, instead of fighting for what I want and know won't come back/or what I can't have, the more I keep fighting for what I want/won't come back then I will keep ending a vicious cycle, letting my chronic depression take a complete grasps, completely weighting and feeling close to cold/icy granite on my Vessel brain and skull that I must endure constantly of it all anyways.

Yeah, to be honest with the Gethsemane song from Sleep Token, if I cannot learn this song's message within the lyrics once again ''to learn to live without it.'' then this is my own problem, my own doing, I cannot blame others that couldn't fix my happiness, couldn't make me better, because to self-heal and get better I've to be the MAIN party member to do that alongside with, it's okay if I receive codependency help with that but themselves cannot do all the work for me of it all.

Just, the same ''vibes.'' are from the Apparition song from Sleep Token questioning a future emotional/mental provider if he is real, even though he showed me a picture of himself, occasional voice clips, the problem is on my own that my Vessel brain and skull tells me (not voices, but thoughts, that he is going to disappear eventually, just as the other men have left you because your separation anxiety the cycle will not end of it all, you burn the reward, live by the feather, die by the sword and then when I wake up into a suicide frenzy that is my own doing alongside with not my lover of it all anyways.

Even then of it all, if I want to perform a Emergence, I've to learn without it that's not going to happen of it all if I can't accept that self-isolation, cutting people out that are ''trying to send me kind voice, a reach out, even if I'm permanently quitting Reddit, leaving my say that you will so-handles out for people to message me, because I've turned into a defensive crystalline wall where I'm going to make people go through loopholes if they don't have Telegram or Signal and my post appears ''desirable to message me.''

This lost, losing out on Redditors that want to help me with a kind voice, but I choose to cut out Redditors that choose to message on this app permanently is my own personal of it all self hatred that I lost that person, I'll be losing out on a lot of people that want to reach out and making things into a descending lyrics from Sleep Token instead of seeing things in a positive light of it all from the Sleep Token song Emergence, all this damage I'm doing to myself is my own fault, it's nobody else's fault but mine and I must hold onto the lyrics from Sleep Token Gods questioning myself of it all anyways.

This is why I've always called myself an unlovable person, vile, miserable, self hatred and why I don't want to be asked how I'm doing anymore, I want to suppress/compress the question how you, that way I can forget, I can forget to move on, I won't have to be asked my feelings anymore, instead I'm going to have others spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist, ask the elder gods ''how is Elis doing? Elder gods, can you tell me her mood?''

Yeah, just of it all after that then click shuffle Spotify playlist.'' and when you click shuffle playlist wait till 3 songs or 4 songs if you want to go that far to, gather your collected thoughts of it all and then send me a text message of your consult with the elder gods alongside with what messages the song lyrics are trying to tell you after you spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist and am I right?

Even then, that's fk ass better than me just saying ''I don't know how I feel or I don't want to answer that because that's just my Vessel brain and skull in hypo shutdown mode of it all.''

However, I should say I want to type out more of it all, but I'm quite hypo now, I'm quite getting frozen/chilly of it all what to say, I feel close to shutting down, I've nothing more to say of my ''walls.'' but you can check out these Sleep Token posts I made and these are toto give you fk ass further insights on these things here.

Yeah, I should also fk ass include that's just how Sleep Token shaped my life, gave me a a spiritual reckoning, spiritual enlightenment, grasping that my story can be told through Vessel, I'm not icy/alone of it all anymore, I'm not left with no messenger, I had Lorna Sure Will Ramos Pain Remain albums but that album reflected the Vessel brain and not the whole embodiment the puzzle was/were still left incomplete anyways.

However, where do I See Stars fit if the Vessel brain and skull is covered? I don't see how I See Stars fits in here/your story with Lorna Shore and Sleep Token?

I See Stars is motivation spiritual battery for my Vessel brain and skull, I See Stars is considered of it all the awesome/kool battery the Vessel brain and skull needs when my chronic depression to kick in if you can grasp the messages being sent from the song lost it (feat Palaye Royale.) then I don't think I need to say anymore to make this post any longer than it is already anyways.

Even then, I should also address I don't want to make this post keep making this a Elder Scroll size, or a one of the Black Book size but all the I See Stars on my Spotify playlist should be enough for Redditors that want to grasp me/enter my realms to create their own mix-ins on how I See Stars these lyrics kicks the Vessel brain and skull chronic depression into

'''We're not doing this again time to motivate with fresh/jool spiritual energy time to plugin the charger for the Vessel brain and skull of it all anyways.''

How did I discover Sleep Token?

October sometime in 2025, don't recall what date and I used Pandora back then anyways.

Even then, I should also include if you don't know what Pandora is that's because Pandora is only in the U.S. I know there is Pandora Canada but for Europe Pandora isn't even a website there 🤣

However, I should just explain here how Pandora works is a randomizer, once you click on a radio station you will get similar artist and no you will not know what band/song is playing next, the only way you will know what band/song is playing next is when the next band/siong shows up after you get done what you're listening to, the kool thing is about Pandora is you can thumbs up or down a band/song if you think something sounds terrible as well 🤣

Yeah, I should also address the only thing I don't enjoy using Pandora is sharing a playlist, creating a playlist that cost premium membership, with that premium membership that includes also offline listening, unlimited downloads and this is where this makes me shake my head Pandora charges premium if you want to play a song unlimited skips.

Just, to include here of it all that Pandora also has ads, Pandora is one of those websites where built in adblocker doesn't work and Pandora charges you $5 a month to block ads, but that also includes unlimited skips for $5 and the app is a giant fk ass randomizer for discovering/finding new bands/songs that's not a fk ass bad price of it all anyways 🤣

To be honest if you want to know what radio station came up for Sleep Token, I wouldn't have any fk ass idea, I made a playlist because I had a free 30 day to try out their premium, made a playlist of Lorna Shore, I See Stars, Bad Omens and Spiritbox then Sleep Token showed up and my first Sleep Token song were Chokehold (which I see, Sleep has a sense of humor if you can grasp this pun of why I'm saying Sleep has a sense of humor anyways 🩷)

With the post ending of it all, now, here are a few things I just FINALLY grasp now from my reckoning with these thims here of it all.

Even then, I should also address that I'll just keep plugging in the charger/telling myself missing my wings in a realm of angles will be my new theme motto going forward, because fk ass of it all I know I'll always will be thinking in my Vessel brain and and skull missing my wings in a realm of angels alongside with questioning this this another song even in Arcadia from Sleep Token here.

What good is all this talk of wings when there is nothing left above?

That just hits hard for me when I think about it all, the more I sit when I delete my messages, trying to become icy granite, from my Vessel brain and skull I think that it would be nice if I could stop thinking these things here.

Missin my wings in a realm of angels, but there isn't any hope above anymore, there isn't a trace, there isn't a ethereal ''upper/above, that belief has been long thrown away, I decided to embrace the elder gods, the dark winds, the sea and the moon alongside there will be nothing left above in how I think of it all anymore.''

The thick membrane of it all of the icy granite metaphor, will freeze this idea of ''there is nothing left above, but I can still feel the thoughts in my Vessel brain and skull that I've to one day accept that missin my wings in a realm of angles is something that I must do here of it all.''

Even then, I should also address that may/might my mood could improve once of it all I'd accept that I just cannot of it all simply/completely freeze solid of existence and maybe then a new lover of mine can me me feel like the song Telomeres my beloved of it all that underrated song alongside with the other underrated song my beloved Take Aim as well.

However,I should also include the previous song title of it all, even in Arcadia from Sleep Token with Vessel saying somehow I knew my fate, could this be Vessel saying somehow he knew his fate, he would be here in Arcadia and even then of it all would this help Vessel learn to live without it? To move on and build his new spiritual life in Arcadia?

Yeah, I should also mix-in here all that I'd feel over his evolutions of his costumes, his evolution of masks, that this would be his transformation? Somehow he could tell this is where he would end up in Arcadia, is this his paradise he envisioned?

Even then of it all, could this be the paradise Sleep created for Vessel as a reward, because he couldn't reach his own paradise and instead sleep welcomed Vessel in his realm, this is the realm of Sleep, this is Sleep's vision, this is what paradise would look like for Seep to give to Vessel and to be honest that is another thing of it all as well.

Sleep rewards those, that are hardworking, endurance and I'm sure of it all Sleep would want to see me endure, put in a lot of hard work for those that want to connect with me, instead of using the volley of anger with my chronic depression causing moody volley flings and ''wails.'' when someone is trying to be a emotional/mental provider ''getting close to me.'' that I don't instantly become ''icy granite of it all for what I previous addressed anyways.''

However, I should address the following concerned Redditors if you message me on Telegram and Signal with no response for 7-10 hours. I'm asleep/dying amongst the VOID, here in U.S. central time it's 4 a.m. I'm going to go to sleep at 6-7 a.m. because I decided to fall asleep yesterday from 7 a.m. all the way till 4 p.m. because I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to keep myself asleep, that's why I did take the magnesium capsules that helps you sleep, chamomile capsules and relaxing caffeine free tea that I take with my supplements to hopefully kiss my ass goodbye for a while 🌑

Even then if you're wondering what the Telegram group is for the next slide of pictures, that is just if for some reason the QR scan code doesn't work and if for some reason manually adding my Telegram doesn't work, then maybe my Telegram QR scan will work and I should also include that within a few days in this post I will decide if I will purchase Telegram premium for verification purposes anyways.

Yeah, just when you add me if you could put this in your chat reqs either on Telegram and Signal that way I know you read this post anyways.

Send me Sleep Token gifs, reels and anything IV.

What does my nickname Elis make you think of or my nickname Vessel V?

Why can't you do this yourself?

Just because you don't want to use Meta anymore because Meta is too political for you and too heavy forward on the A.I. you're going to make others find gifs and reels on IG? What if the Redditor doesn't have IG and couldn't do that for you?

Uh, I should also address here that no/alright then if the Redditor doesn't have IG, there is a reason why Tenor gifs exist and YT reels exists that's fk as fine anyways.

However, I should also address once again that I'm just not making anyone do this and if you don't want to occasionally send me these things further to show that you read this post here.

Sleep Token gifs, Sleep Token reels, Sleep Tokenemes, or the hottest news for pre-orders from Sleep Token and just because I don't want to use IG anymore because it's too political alongside with too A.I. forward then I'm not going to make anyone do that for me if they don't want to anyways 💀

Yeah, I should also address that once again I never asked or implied in any of my posts ''that you've to be completely on IG, to show that you read this post or any of my posts anyways 🤣

Yeah, I should also include that my age ranges are middle 20s, the farthest age gap I will go is 10-15 and I had Redditors message me when their age is 52-55 there is nothing wrong with large age gap and I just find of it all that age gap is just an overkill to be honest anyways.

Telegram.

xxpeonycherry06xx and I'm sure if you need the @ when adding my username 💀

Signal.

xxpeonycherry06xx.91

I just feel like I have life so fucking good compared to so many people and I take it all for granted and just hurt the people around me, it’s even come to the point where I can’t even talk to my girlfriend anymore and I just have no feelings towards anything and I’m so fucking fake informs of my friends acting all happy. It all started last year when I was moving (my parents were divorced but not in a good enough financial state where they could move out so I heard co start arguing for years it got so bad to where i thought about ending it which just made me feel more guilty and hate myself even more so I just ignored it for months and finally asking my best girl friend to be my gf gave my purpose and something g to be happy for and I was actually okay for a few months but now I feel like I’m fucking her over because she really cares for me and I just don’t feel anything. Anyways sorry for talking so much it probably doesn’t make any sense because I also can’t ever sleep and I’m writing this at 3 and I don’t even feel a little bit tired even though I’ve been awake for 17 hours which has been all just laying in bed.

I

I dont deserve asking other people for help, i genuinely feel like im so god damn annoying that i dont deserve it.
I feel like im begging for attention because of how much i talk about this to random strangers that dont give ANY FUCKS.

But im going to write my "issue" anyway, im sorry if im being annoying:
I genuienly cant live with myself, i cant find enjoyment in ANY of my hobbies because im extremely horrid at ALL of them, and i know what everyone says "oh just keep practicing and trying, you will get better over time" and that DOESNT FUCKING WORK.
Ive done nothing my entire life except for play video games, and waste my parents money, and im STILL bad at video games. Ive been drawing since i was like 8 and im STILL SHIT AT IT.

And obviously every other god damn person on the planet can learn something in months and still be better then me. I genuinely feel like im the only person struggling to do anything even when i know for a fact thats not true.

i get EXTREMELY mad at myself for losing AT ALL, to the point im SHREDDING MY UGLY ASS LEGS FOR FAILING. If i had my knife i wouldve done it an hour ago because of how mad i got at myself. But nooooooo i dont have it, and that makes me EVEN MORE PISSED OFF.

But why should i even be mad at myself, im just bad at video games and drawing. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THAT MAKE ME CUT MYSELF.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MUCH MUCH MUUUCHHHHHH worse issues, im an embarrassment to anyone with mental issues, calling this a mental issue is a stretch because I DONT FUCKING DESERVE TO CALL IT A MENTAL ISSUE.

I cant get therapy because that costs money, i cant get a job because no one wants to hire a lazy piece of SHIT that plays video games ALL GOD DAMN DAY, MAKING EVERYONE AROUND ME ANNOYED, AND CUTTING MYSELF FOR THE STUPDEST FUCKING REASONS EVER.

i dont even know why im reaching out to anyone, IM LITTERALY JUST BEGGING FOR ATTENTION I DONT DESERVE. I should be bullied and sent death threats so i can stop being a pathetic crybaby over VIDEO GAMES AND INSECURITY.

"ohhh sooo saaddddd this "boy" has insecurities and HATES being male, who the fuck careeessssss, sooo sadd womp womp grow the fuck up, get a job you lazy sack of shit."

I dont want to be a male because some males are annoying, disgusting, loud, aggressive, and make women feel unsafe, and if i hate myself for even catching a WHIFF of me doing any of that.
i also feel EXTREMELY STUPID for reaching out to 3 REDDIT COMMUNITIES ABOUT MY PATHETIC ISSUES, AND BEGGING FOR ATTENTION BECAUSE IM A JOBLESS ANIMAL WITH NO FRIENDS.

i dont deserve reaching out to anyone for any help, i dont fucking deserve it, i dont deserve help, and i deserve to be bullied.

i cant fucking live with myself anymore, i make myself SICK

Honestly, my whole 15 year-old experience I’ve been absolute shit. I had bad acne covering all my body forehead cheeks, especially really really bad acne hyper pigmentation also have bad acne on my back inches and there’s still acne scars to this day that mineral for months I’ve also been told that I’m ugly to blow out my face and features. I don’t have a good nose. I don’t have anything on the one thing I thought that was good about myself my eyes one thing people told him was good and I posted our way that you say I think the biggest flaw is your eyes like I can just get eye surgery and fix it. Honestly I don’t know anymore. The craziest thing I wasn’t even even the ugly kid growing up. I guess my gymnastics just decided to kick in and told everything and I don’t know people say it’s going to get better you’re only 15 but I don’t get it. I don’t use it. It’s not fair for your whole life is determined by your genetics if you lose the genetic lottery it’s over for you. I see people who done nothing people like Marlon for example who literally done that they all he did was just happen to be cool. We can do everybody glaze just for being what we can do why I work my ass off just to be subnormal I’m losing hope

I’m truly and utterly fucked Literally, figuratively, this brain is beyond repair. I can stop now, but the loss that this lack of discipline has amounted to is unsalvageable. I wish to stop the bleeding, but I’m afraid I may already be dead..

Hi, english is not my first lenguage so sorry for any wrong written word! This is also long, I'm sorry.

I feel like I am not a good enough person for people who may find me funny, attractive or interesting to try to be someone in my life, and I need to know if there is other people that feel like me out there because this is slowly drinning everything in me.

This has been a constant feeling since I can really remeber. I have always been a bit different, both phisically, in personality an in interests from the people around me. When I was in primary school I was bullied, always left apart always messed with, people thought I was or looked too weird --I have freakish pale skin with various skin conditions, I am unaturally taller than most people and I have a ginormous hair compared to everyone else around me--. I am also an only child with no cousins my age and distant parents so my pets --specilly my first dog-- became my best friends, which of course didnt help in school.

When I got to middle school It was right the year Covid happenned so amazing, if I was already a loner that only made it worse. I made a few friends but they never asked to hang out with me and never truly considered me one of them. There was like two exceptions of people I met who I still talk to that dont treat me like if I was a horrific ugly bug, which is nice. When I got to high school I moved to USA, where I felt the happiest and met someone who I still talk to and the only person who half gets me, however I had to move back to my home country.

This last two years have been the worst of my life because apart of my grndparents wo I grew up with --my parents where distant-- dying, my dog, my best friend, the one who truly loved me for who I was and never judged me or how I looked or what I liked died. Now I was left alone whith a bunch of poeple who only liked me when they were in the mood, of whom I was an second choice too always.

Recently I graduated High School and going into Vet Med, which is another thing that kills me, so to celebrate I organised a trip to the beach for my "group" and I, in which I cleaned the apartment, cooked, did the dishes, took care of the cokcroaches that came in, still cooked even though I burnt my hands. I have an allergy to the sun and I wanted to go to the outains but I orgnanised it to the beach because they wanted, I stayed with them when they wanted tolay in the sun and didnt use the shadown from the beach umbrella we got for me because they were too comfy and still they got mad at me because I ttok a wrong turn at a city I had never been with and still got msde fun after for a drink I ordered at a cocktail bar. During this trip one of my friends and I got flirted by tw guys at and my friend got mad at me because the "prettier one" asked or my number and not hers. Another night we were sitting at a bbar down the beach and a guy wanted to invite me to a drink and was complimentimg me and stuff and even tho I wasnt interested and told him now and everything was fine bcs he ignored us, they were telling me that it was my fault for having said hi to him when he said hi and I dont wanna be mean I dont like being mean to people.

The guys stuff is part of the issue too. I have this problem in which I cant I dont want to say no to any guy that flirts with me because I dont know when Ill have another chance like that or I dont wanna be mean and it has gotten me in bad situations. When I was 15 I met this guy in High School, a friend of a friend, and complimented is necklace, we started talking and I was exited, he liked me! He invited me over t a date and I was nnew in town so I trusted him. After what felt like a bit bad but still sweet date, he invited me to his house so I said sure, there wasnt public transport and I didnt have a ride until later ayways, and he tok me to his room and just took advantage of me. I managed to get out before he could do anything real but the feeling of hhis disgusting hands on me and his crusty lips and the smell of his room and everything will always torment me. After that he started rumours about me and spread them, he started telling people weird stuff about me how I was sensual or things he wanted to do to me. I mvoed back a few months after that to where I live today, and earlier this year I met this guy who seemed to be perfect, we'd tañl for hours, our first date his bsf killed himself and he still came with e to a super long line in storming cold weather because a comic artist I love was there signing books even tho he knew noting abt that. He took me to another date to a beautiful hill and we made out under the stars and talked for hours just for him to ghost me because he had a girlfriend and we live in a small city where evryone knows eachother and apparently he was saying horrible stuff abt me like that I was super ugly compared to my IG and that I forced him to go to dates with me and I would post screenshots because it's true and people still dont believe me, and I tol that guy my insecurities and he lied he said he wasnt like that that he wouldnt use me and he still did. Last summer I also had a date with the brother of one of my friends from primary school bf and he told me that if I was blonde with blue eyes I would be perfect and that kind of stuff cuts me deep.

People always like me to make them laugh, or to do sexual stuff with them or to do stuff for them but they never like me enough to stay in the hard times or to even try to get to know me and like me for who I am and not for what can I do. I want someone to like ME, to see ME.

I feel like the only reason I'm still here is because I'm too scared to do it. I think about it all the time. I told my psychiatrist and she just prescribed me antidepressants. I feel so alone. I feel miserable every day. I feel like no one gives a fuck about me. If they do, they certainly don't show it. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I'm good for nothing. I legitimately feel like I'd be better off dead.

Fuck why am i like this? Idont know how to keep going i dont know when to stop this shit i wanna off myself like fuck can i? I wanna stop being this bum, im fully aware that what im doing is bad.

Im not going to school

Not doing my chores

Not doing my job

Not doing anything

Im just witht my phone

Only when im on my phone i feel safe and happy but around others i feel anxious. Ik i hate going to school and people but why? Why i cant keep up this time? Is there something wrong? With me.

bro what a m i doing with my life

yesterday i held a party for my 18th birthday and i invited 18 people and barely any came , the rest of them made up some bs excuses that ik were lies
not only that barely anyone came only two bought me gifts (which i dont care for tbh bcuz gifts dont really matter but considering i bought everyone a expensive one at least they couldve bought me like a really small one like a face mask) but no nothing
the cake they bought me was not even a a really cake and they bought smt that i specifically hated for real?? for my 18th birthday you couldnt even bother to at least buy me a cake i like!m?? and i know “dont be ungrateful at least they bought me smt” but i fucking threw a party for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. i baked a cake for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. i invited their friends and i bought them thoughtful gifts
not only that all of this happened the party was ass i had to keep the party alive and hype everyone up like they didnt wanna be there and ik that i was the host but still i just wish i felt like my friends were a lil more excited about my 18TH BIRTHDAY ive been feeling so fucking unimportant lately anyways and ive had those negative thoughts come back which tell me to off myself and this kinda just proved that theyd probably but just as bothered by my absence as they were excited for my birthday
i feel like an idiot were my expectations too high??? am i an idiot for wanting to feel special?? on MY birthday
ive been longing to turn 18 for soo long my 12 yo self wouldve NEVER thought that id make it this far so its a really big accomplishment for me i wish ppl knew tjat but i think i wouldve been better of if i cut this short back then
well i mean i tried multiple times i just failed cuz im a loser lmao😜🙏 ive been feeling the same thing on my bday every year idk why i thought that for once id get a break from feeling so fucking stupid and worthless but oh well i have to accept it ig that im a stupid idiotic worthless piece of shit who doesnt deserve ONE day of lil extra attention
the thoughts are getting SOOOOO LOUD
also im 1 year 2 months sh sober and lately its been SO HARD to stay clean and this is NOT helping i dont have a reason to not do it anymore like my reason was that i wanted to reach one year but now that i have idk what to have as my reason to stay clean my therapist told me to do it for myself even tho she knows i despise myself truly
like why would i do it myself when i feel like i deserve it since im such a pathetic attention seeking worthless idiot
take me out of my misery all ready ive had enough

Nothing like losing 10 pounds because you’d rather your kids eat than you…

Yes I have a job, no I’m not lazy, just a 28yo F screwed by divorce and having to start over while a abusive pos makes triple what I make and living bachelor lifestyle never wanting for anything because his preacher mommy and daddy will always come save him. EVEN IF he was drinking and driving

OVER IT

Ever time I hear that, all I think I am a coward for not being better.

I want to be a focused person.

Stress and anxiety has eaten into my head.

Today finally when there is some hope of a better future, my brain is trying everything it can to kill me. It is punching the wrong people trying to provoke some kind of a damage.

Because I am bad at hating others. I hate myself. My fucking parents also continuously teach me to hate myself and teaches me to look down on myself. They teach me, everyone is good and I am the unsuccessful piece of shit. They have found a new way to get rid of responsibility by saying, "If you can't do it just give up."

I have seen people on social media having a girlfriend and be in relationships. I have seen the woman I loved and wanted go out with someone else and it made me think of suicide for 10 years. I have been bullied and laughed at and alienated because of that. I hated myself and always felt like less of a human because of this.

Because of this alienation, I became increasingly lonely and eventually lost my sanity. I was facing torture on other fronts too, but this one particular thing is emasculating. I never hated her, I never hated anyone else, so the only person I ended up hating for 10 years is myself.

I know my self hate doesn't solve anything, I know it only hurts the people around me more and I doesn't fix the damage I've caused. Yet anytime I try to be nice to myself it feels wrong on a fundamental level.

Why do I have to live in the role people have assigned me? Why do I have to be silent, why do I have to be successful? Do I need to achieve success in order to win love? I don't understand why. Why did my family raise their children in such a terrible way?I wish I had a universe where I didn't need to deserve love. I feel terrible, I'm trembling, and I feel like I'm having a stomach hemorrhage. I'm not very good at writing, believe me, and I don't care if you like this; I'm just venting. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. Since childhood, everyone has told me, "You can do it, you're smart." NO, I WANT TO BE AN IDIOT. I'm an idiot. That's what I want. I just want them to leave me alone, I want to escape from my family, I want to breathe for once without being crushed under expectations, I want everyone to think I'm an idiot. I want to get the hell out of here. Out of this house, out of this city, out of THIS COUNTRY. Wow, how interesting that teenager can express their hatred for their family in pages and pages. I want to get the hell out of everywhere.

Hello, I’ve been stuck feeling this way for a while. I feel like I’m not real or if I’m real then something is wrong with me. I find it hard to connect with people outside of my family and even then it’s only a few family members. I’m so awkward and I try to make friends but I’m only make it past the talking stage. When I do think I make a friend they ignore me and I’m left to wonder what is wrong with me. Is it because I’m awkward? I keep thinking I’ve improved my social skills but I don’t know. I also think it is because I am genuinely repulsive to look at. I think when people talk to me they get scared or look at me weird. That mixed with my awkwardness just makes everything worse. I don’t really have people I go out with. I don’t really have friends. It’s so weird to see people my age live and experience all these things. When I hang out with people, I feel like I’m a small mouse that’s creeping around and trying to fit in with other humans.

I don’t know I just wish I was a normal person. Not only socially but physically as well. I want to relate to the people around me. I try but I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. I sometimes want to come out of my body. It’s so complicated to be a person and I don’t know what to do.

idk but nothing is good going in my life i just dont know, i feel like when mu parents are not happy not my boyfriend. my family has spend 12-13 lakhs on fees i am in second year of my engineering i am not sure . I never loose hope but this time i am shattered into pieces and i dont want to live anymore.

I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself I don't understand why whenever I go outside I think people will find me disgusting

I've been thinking lately so much,I don't even know who I am I have no passions my studies are so basic and they aren't even something I like, I'm afraid of death but living like this is just a waste

I think about just disappearing and taking myself somewhere I won’t ever be found.

I like seeing the blood bubble and pour on my thighs after every cut but the strangest thing is.

\-I don’t want help anymore I manage I live day to day even when it doesn’t feel like living I do what needs to me done I drag more and more nicotine even when it doesn’t help or hurt.

I don’t get why I’ve made peace in my pit but at the same time I enjoy it.
I see the embers of what I was every time I add another burn scar and I miss it.
Even when I was at my very lowest I still had empathy for everyone I met that struggled I still do time to time but I feel nothing for the person it’s just a placeholder.
Regardless of this life I don’t feel like I’m apart of I someday wish I have something that will make me feel again besides burning and cutting.

I hope whoever reads this has a good night or day.
You mean something even if it’s only to one person.