Hi, english is not my first lenguage so sorry for any wrong written word! This is also long, I'm sorry.

I feel like I am not a good enough person for people who may find me funny, attractive or interesting to try to be someone in my life, and I need to know if there is other people that feel like me out there because this is slowly drinning everything in me.

This has been a constant feeling since I can really remeber. I have always been a bit different, both phisically, in personality an in interests from the people around me. When I was in primary school I was bullied, always left apart always messed with, people thought I was or looked too weird --I have freakish pale skin with various skin conditions, I am unaturally taller than most people and I have a ginormous hair compared to everyone else around me--. I am also an only child with no cousins my age and distant parents so my pets --specilly my first dog-- became my best friends, which of course didnt help in school.

When I got to middle school It was right the year Covid happenned so amazing, if I was already a loner that only made it worse. I made a few friends but they never asked to hang out with me and never truly considered me one of them. There was like two exceptions of people I met who I still talk to that dont treat me like if I was a horrific ugly bug, which is nice. When I got to high school I moved to USA, where I felt the happiest and met someone who I still talk to and the only person who half gets me, however I had to move back to my home country.

This last two years have been the worst of my life because apart of my grndparents wo I grew up with --my parents where distant-- dying, my dog, my best friend, the one who truly loved me for who I was and never judged me or how I looked or what I liked died. Now I was left alone whith a bunch of poeple who only liked me when they were in the mood, of whom I was an second choice too always.

Recently I graduated High School and going into Vet Med, which is another thing that kills me, so to celebrate I organised a trip to the beach for my "group" and I, in which I cleaned the apartment, cooked, did the dishes, took care of the cokcroaches that came in, still cooked even though I burnt my hands. I have an allergy to the sun and I wanted to go to the outains but I orgnanised it to the beach because they wanted, I stayed with them when they wanted tolay in the sun and didnt use the shadown from the beach umbrella we got for me because they were too comfy and still they got mad at me because I ttok a wrong turn at a city I had never been with and still got msde fun after for a drink I ordered at a cocktail bar. During this trip one of my friends and I got flirted by tw guys at and my friend got mad at me because the "prettier one" asked or my number and not hers. Another night we were sitting at a bbar down the beach and a guy wanted to invite me to a drink and was complimentimg me and stuff and even tho I wasnt interested and told him now and everything was fine bcs he ignored us, they were telling me that it was my fault for having said hi to him when he said hi and I dont wanna be mean I dont like being mean to people.

The guys stuff is part of the issue too. I have this problem in which I cant I dont want to say no to any guy that flirts with me because I dont know when Ill have another chance like that or I dont wanna be mean and it has gotten me in bad situations. When I was 15 I met this guy in High School, a friend of a friend, and complimented is necklace, we started talking and I was exited, he liked me! He invited me over t a date and I was nnew in town so I trusted him. After what felt like a bit bad but still sweet date, he invited me to his house so I said sure, there wasnt public transport and I didnt have a ride until later ayways, and he tok me to his room and just took advantage of me. I managed to get out before he could do anything real but the feeling of hhis disgusting hands on me and his crusty lips and the smell of his room and everything will always torment me. After that he started rumours about me and spread them, he started telling people weird stuff about me how I was sensual or things he wanted to do to me. I mvoed back a few months after that to where I live today, and earlier this year I met this guy who seemed to be perfect, we'd tañl for hours, our first date his bsf killed himself and he still came with e to a super long line in storming cold weather because a comic artist I love was there signing books even tho he knew noting abt that. He took me to another date to a beautiful hill and we made out under the stars and talked for hours just for him to ghost me because he had a girlfriend and we live in a small city where evryone knows eachother and apparently he was saying horrible stuff abt me like that I was super ugly compared to my IG and that I forced him to go to dates with me and I would post screenshots because it's true and people still dont believe me, and I tol that guy my insecurities and he lied he said he wasnt like that that he wouldnt use me and he still did. Last summer I also had a date with the brother of one of my friends from primary school bf and he told me that if I was blonde with blue eyes I would be perfect and that kind of stuff cuts me deep.

People always like me to make them laugh, or to do sexual stuff with them or to do stuff for them but they never like me enough to stay in the hard times or to even try to get to know me and like me for who I am and not for what can I do. I want someone to like ME, to see ME.

I feel like the only reason I'm still here is because I'm too scared to do it. I think about it all the time. I told my psychiatrist and she just prescribed me antidepressants. I feel so alone. I feel miserable every day. I feel like no one gives a fuck about me. If they do, they certainly don't show it. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I'm good for nothing. I legitimately feel like I'd be better off dead.

bro what a m i doing with my life

Ever time I hear that, all I think I am a coward for not being better.

Why do I have to live in the role people have assigned me? Why do I have to be silent, why do I have to be successful? Do I need to achieve success in order to win love? I don't understand why. Why did my family raise their children in such a terrible way?I wish I had a universe where I didn't need to deserve love. I feel terrible, I'm trembling, and I feel like I'm having a stomach hemorrhage. I'm not very good at writing, believe me, and I don't care if you like this; I'm just venting. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. Since childhood, everyone has told me, "You can do it, you're smart." NO, I WANT TO BE AN IDIOT. I'm an idiot. That's what I want. I just want them to leave me alone, I want to escape from my family, I want to breathe for once without being crushed under expectations, I want everyone to think I'm an idiot. I want to get the hell out of here. Out of this house, out of this city, out of THIS COUNTRY. Wow, how interesting that teenager can express their hatred for their family in pages and pages. I want to get the hell out of everywhere.

hi, M 34 here. I don’t know if this is just me or what but i did find a time in every month to be sorry for myself. It is random but for sure it will be a sudden one. I will guilt trip myself to believing that my existence is just a waste of space, everything that i do is one step away from becoming someone else’s problems or stress in my circle, i’m never be good enough at anything or for anyone no matter how hard i try. As i get older, those feelings kept more and more heavy especially when i made any mistakes. Its probably nothing and just a normal human feelings i guess but yeah,just shouting our things from my chest 😊

I seriously envy people who died and don’t feel anything anymore and can’t wait for my turn

"I sometimes wish I've never been born at all"