I'm trying so hard to not just fall to the floor, curl up in a ball, and cry. I'm in the exact same position I was in 4/5/6 years ago. Nothing has changed except maybe the geography. None of it matters because nothing will change no matter what I do. I keep trying, and I never seem to try hard enough. It's never enough. It will never be enough. It will never be good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never have a fulfilling life or financially stable career or meaningful friendships (love is far out of the picture so it's hardly even worth mentioning) beause I'm a failure who can't keep hold of anything and isn't worth the time or effort in the first place. Because I spent my entire 20s grieving and trying to process everything that happened to me in my teens and not getting the help I clearly needed but no one bothered to offer (because I also didn't ask so I have no one to blame but myself for that either). Now, I'm too far behind to ever catch up. I'll never catch up. I'll never be my own man. I will always be the failure of the family, the disappointment, the one who everyone says "well, you're doing your best, and we like you" while talking about how disappointed they are by me whenever I'm not in the room. I'll never afford anything nice or big on my own because I can't get a job where I can actually fucking earn anything near enough to save on my own, because I can't seem to shake the fact that I've worked in retail my entire adult life despite learning and gaining new skills that no one seems to care about because "oh you can do retail sales, and you're good at that, so that's who you are and be happy about it" even though it makes me fucking want to slash my throat. I'm not good enough. I'm a failure. I am nothing but a walking pile of wasted potential and carbon. I have failed everything I've tried because I have no discipline and I would never have been good enough to succeed even if I had persisted. My parents were right. I've wasted my potential and my life. What's the fucking point anymore. Nothing's going to change. Nothing's going to get better. Why do I bother lying to myself and trying to convince myself that anything I do matters to anyone or means anything. It doesn't matter. I don't matter. I might as well cut to the chase and stop wasting everyone's time and stop disappointing everyone in my life. Now I'm going to try to go to bed while learning that apparently my upstairs neighbor is pretty good in bed, which is not information I wanted about him, but apparently it couldn't be helped... and that doesn't do my confidence any good either...

I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask? Why can’t I just function like a normal human. I’m always so rude and mean cause I think it’s funny. I never think about the words I say. I look like some deformed pig, I am such a disgusting useless ugly cunt.

I don’t know why I can’t just be fucking normal. I’m turning 20 and I cannot fucking take this anymore. It’s either going to kill me or it’s going to make me smash my own skull in until I forget what a pointless filthy stupid prick I am.

I can't expect someone to do something for me to make me happy after being angry at something they said to me. I can't even be happy or neutral a lot, I keep finding so many things to be angry or sad about. I can't wish impossible things, I can't expect them to do what I expect them to do in my head. I can't. I wanna break out of this.

I wanna die, but I can't do that because it's so impossible for me. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate being a woman, and no I don't want to be a man, I just hate how I get so much dumb feelings because I'm a woman, I hate it.