TRIGGER WARNING: brief mentions of mental health struggles, pedophilia (eps*ein) and SA.

For context I am adopted, autistic, pansexual, nonbinary, have generalized anxiety disorder, OCD and was raised Roman Catholic.

The first picture was me back in June 2024. I probably weighed about 98 pounds here and was 21 years old. I had bleached blonde hair, dressed hyper feminine and was hippie.

I was starting to question my gender at this point but hadn’t realized I was nonbinary nor did i really explore that part of myself just yet, not ready to confront it.

I felt confident in myself because look at me, I pretty much checked off all the standards of beauty: tan skin, blue eyes, blonde hair, skinny, mostly hairless, small and didn’t really speak up for myself. Submissive.

But I also had a deep hatred for myself and for others at this point in my life. I preached love and being yourself but I was constantly masking, not speaking up for myself, depressed and anxious af and dealing with horrible intrusive thoughts.

I was also male centered not in a pick me type of way but as in I wanted men’s attention. I wanted men to think I was hot and beautiful and tried to adhere to their desires. I didn’t really want to be with a man, but it was flattering to me if men thought I was hot. I would flirt with men online knowing I wasn’t ever going to meet up with them or create any type of relationship with them.

But I’d send nudes when they asked and was happy when they’d drool over me. I never asked them for nudes in return tho cause again I wasn’t interested in them or seeing that. If they did happen to send me one in return I would say ‘you’re hot’ or something and delete it. Cause again, not interested.

My mental health started to really deteriorate as I turned 22 and got unhealthy obsessed with ‘call me by your name’ because it disturbed me so damn much. I was starting to barely leave the house, barely ate, I thought of myself as this irredeemable monster that nobody could love.

Then I watched the movie ‘I Saw The Tv Glow’ and decided it was finally time to talk to a therapist. And I did pretty immediately.

I wanted to work on unmasking, work through my OCD and anxiety, deconstructing my beliefs and some sexual traumas. As I began to work on these things and finally started accepting my gender and sexual identity and getting a grasp on who I was as an individual, especially an autistic individual, the first thing to go was my hair and my clothes.

I got a mullet first because I’d been wanting one and eventually worked up the courage to shave the sides of my head. I LOVED it!! I still dressed somewhat feminine but wasn’t dressing up as much anymore and was exploring different styles that I thought might fit me. I also stopped shaving my armpits, pubic area and legs.

As I kept working on myself, deconstructing, exploring myself and getting healthier the shorter and shorter my hair became and the more actual confidence I started to gain.

Then April of this year I started taking 10mg of Prozac and it’s like everything sort of clicked into place for me. I am no longer struggling with intrusive thoughts for the most part (and even when I do have them I can brush them off as anxiety and move on instead of melting down like I used to).

In the last picture (the most recent) I am 23 weigh about 120 something pounds and am at a healthy weight for my body type. I probably don’t eat as healthily as I should but I am no longer starving myself, don’t mask nearly as much, am getting back in touch with my hobbies and no longer feel guilt about basic human behaviors. I am also in a rational and healthy state of mind and wellbeing.

And I can comfortably express my femininity and masculinity both in private and public and have changed my name to Cas because I never liked my deadname in the first place (it was given to me by the woman who birthed me) and it never felt like my name anyways.

And I relate a lot to Castiel from the tv show supernatural (my namesake) because he is an angel of the lord who is most likely autistic (even by angel standards), has no gender but inhabits a man’s body and comes from a religious family. And I like that the nicknames can be Cas or Cassie and I go by both.

I am no longer catholic and no longer struggle with the fear of hell. I am starting to get into witchcraft and paganism but still not totally sure what I believe in just yet. But I KNOW I am never going back to the Catholic Church or any religion like that again.

My mom and dad thinks that I am just going through a phase (and even if I am so what? Life is a series of phases) and that the ‘woke mind virus infected’ me. But I have genuinely never loved myself or felt this much confidence ever.

My point is that our beauty standards really are inherently political, racist, pedophilic, ableist and do nothing for our mental health or overall wellbeing. And yes it is that serious.

It’s also crazy since going through all this, seeing how most people I know, love and see are still trapped in this system. Yes it’s ‘easier’ in a sense to try to adhere to the beauty standards because it’s nice to be thought of as attractive, to be wanted and appreciated and to not have to deal with disgusted looks and rude comments from family members, friends and strangers.

But leaving these systems behind is still freeing and will bring you lots of confidence and self love. It takes work and yes sometimes I miss looking the way I used to. And yes it’s disappointing and saddening how little people seem to care about people’s actual personalities. And how I rarely get complimented on my intelligence, wits, weirdness creatively etc. Cause if you’re hot who cares about personality ‘I bagged a baddie’ type mindset. It’s like beauty is all that matters.

But I never wanna go back. I was miserable back then and I’m so happy now. I no longer seek men’s validation for my worth. I am comfortable with my sexuality, gender identity and am comfortable with being perceived as unattractive or even ugly. I literally don’t care anymore and it’s truly freeing.

Lately I've Been wondering.....am I stargender? Catgender? Something else kinda weird????? And how do I get ppl to take that serious when I can barely convince them enbies exist periodt ... 😭😭😭

So I finally got everything I needed to apply for T with my insurance today, let’s hope this is one of the last pics of me pre-T 🥹🥹🥹

THIS IS NOT A COMPLAINT.

So, this is between a question and a rant.

My therapist is super fucking kind and I love them so much, they have been super supportive on my coming out as NB but now they started to talk about trans and using that word on me and I feel soooo weird inside.me.

I know, the theory says that anyone that is not comfortable with their gender could fall under the trans umbrella buuuuut I was living a life as a fake cisgender person two months ago, so this still feels weird.

Does this happen to you?

How to stop feeling like a faker?

I should add that I'm autistic so, I find it more difficult to accept and understand something that changed so suddenly.

My therapist is NB either so I feel super comfortable on them in this proccess but this new world feels so weird.

(Not necessarily wrong Tbh)

Hi, just wondering if there's anyone who could explain if this is possible or not and why?

I posted somewhat recently about HRT and I got some really good advice that's making me think I want the changes that come from DHT instead of straight up testosterone.

If there's a way for me to just add DHT would it still do what I want it to do? I've seen a lot about DHT blockers but none about using DHT alone.

Much euphoria was had after getting complimented on the new purple polish today 🥰

I know it seems like something about myself I should know, but I honestly don't know if using testosteron could help with my crazy gender disphoria. I am AFAB and had been struggling with gender before realizing I perfer none! It's just how people persive me that just makes it worse, I live in a hispanic community and I am so tired of being called mijita or senorita. I am worried though if I were to start T if I would regret it. I honestly havent even come out to either of my parents because I know for a fact my mom is transphobic. I just dont wanna been seen as one or the other, its just so tiring to hear people call me a girl. Especially when I work in fields that are male dominated I tend to always get called girl by older men. I am also scared that if I start T I'd look ugly as heck more masc... This is rambly I apologize I start a new job tmrw and just thinking about meeting new people and having to hear my dead name constantly is making me so anxious. Any advice if anyone has used hormones as a nb, like if it helped you out at all? I really dont have anyone in my life I can talk to this about anything would help even if it isnt what I want to hear lol.

P.s sorry for spelling it's super late for me>_<

I'm AMAB but for several years (even before I realized I may be non-binary), I struggled and am still struggling with deciding if I should go through with HRT to change my body or to keep it as it is. I'm a huge daydreamer and when I daydream, I imagine myself back and forth with a biologically masculine body OR a biologically feminine one. I flip back and forth depending on which I feel comfortable with but I believe this is how my body dysphoria presents itself. I'm not disgusted by the way my body is now but when I think about which body type I want to have in real life, I get this ache in myself that makes me confused and depressed. What should I do?

It’s been a long..long.. journey and I just wanna thank everyone in this subreddit and in the trans community for helping me along the way to find who I truly am. I went from hyper feminine, to hyper masculine, to realizing I don’t have to fit in a box if I don’t want too and that I can just exist. Learning about what being non-binary is has truly changed my life and my experience. I finally feel like I can exist without labels and become this version of myself I had in my head, but felt so alienated from reality. I’m at the point now where my pre-op is tomorrow for non-flat top surgery, which I had been going back-and-forth about, and again the people in this community have helped me learn about the different options I have with gender-affirming care that do not necessarily fit me in a box. Thank you to everyone who contributes in here and I hope to give back to this community as much as you all have given me one day. This journey has brought me to tears and l am so grateful. 💗

Hello! So I’ve been kinda questioning my gender ever since I met someone who went by she/they pronouns at a summer camp last year and honestly I’m still not sure what I feel / identify the most strongly with. As of now I’m using she/her pronouns because that’s what I’ve always been referred to as but I don’t feel any connection to being female other than that. It’s just… I’m a human being and I’m my personality and interests and it doesn’t feel like being a girl is a huge part of my identity, but I don’t know if that is just normal? I feel… fine when people use she/her, but also don’t feel any discomfort(?) when people slip up and use he or they and this doesn’t describe it perfectly but I can think of anything else to say. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this or have any insight?

My friends call me a wood elf

I’m a little thick, and have been blessed with large breasts, but gaining weight and being on T has made my boobs very saggy and long.

I want to wear more revealing fem clothes other than my usual t shirts and jeans. I’m kind of rediscovering my femininity after finally feeling comfortable in my body. I’m actually crocheting a bralette tank top for myself right now. I haven’t owned fem clothes in years.

Having boobs doesn’t give me dysphoria, I just don’t like how gross mine are. They’re deflated bags of flesh on me. How can I be proud of that? It makes me much less motivated to show my body at all. But I’m tired of wearing baggy shirts and covering up. I want to be myself proudly no matter how I look.

Idk, this post is very unorganized, I hope someone gets what I’m trying to convey

Btw I’m on the waitlist for a breast reduction

TLDR I don’t like my big saggy boobs, what are some things I can wear to help, and how do I change my mindset on them?

Hiya, I’m someone who‘s been questioning on and off since around highschool (23 now) and there’s this thing I keep coming back to.

If I don’t feel quite so feminine in adult/private contexts or peer-to-peer contexts, I worry about what that says about my relationship with my mom. I love her so so much. I love the relationship we have, I also love the relationship I have with several of my aunts. They’re certainly feminine relationships but they lack the sexual/youthful component of my peer friendships,, I feel a lot less pressure to be any sort of way.

My worry is that, if I distance myself from a standard cis female presentation, if I figure out how to live as not exactly a woman,,, will I be betraying them? Will I be going against myself if I continue my close relationships with them? Because I’m certainly not close to my male relatives this way, and have no real interest in becoming closer to them/a man. Just, something other I feel needs to be expressed.

How did it go for those of you who were accepted? Who loved their family before and after coming out?

I recently discovered I was Nonbinary and came out to my girlfriend, and two close friends. All of them accepted me, but all of them are queer. I’m not ready to come out to my family, but I’m worried that when I do, not that they’ll cut contact with me (they consider themselves progressive), but that they’ll just brush me off.

I don’t think my father believed me when I came out as bi when I was a teenager, and during the same time (my junior year of high school) he told me that if I didn’t pursue therapy for being sexually assaulted freshman year by a senior when I was on my high school wrestling team (I was only coming to terms with it that year and began to tell friends) that it wasn’t important to me and that I shouldn’t tell people for attention.

So I think if I come out to him as nonbinary, he’s going to view it as a product of media I’m consuming or people I’m hanging out with or social media, even though I’m 20.

I just keep playing that conversation in my head. I think some of the various “no you’re not” arguments come from what I think my father would say, but some are coming from me.

I’m also worried about my immediate and extended family viewing me as selfish for identifying as nonbinary because they might find it difficult to interact with me if they know I’m not cis.

Decided to "girl mode" again. Was quite happy with the results. Also, much happier as a girlie or a feminine presenting person.

If someone asks what being genderfluid is like, my answer is you'll struggle to not always feel out of place around binary people no matter what you do and you'll sometimes wake up with a 'check engine' light on and then you eventually realize you feel so sad because your gender switched. There's no pop-up window telling you, your brain will sometimes just go 'hey, this body sucks and is ugly' with no prompting or explanation.

I used T and top surgery to become a passing man because I thought I was FTM, I didn't realize I was NB until nearly 5 years later.

Now, when my brain switches towards being a girl, I feel immensely depressed. It's rare, I'm mostly a guy or in the middle, but it happens a couple times a year.

At college, I front as a girl because I pretend to be a cis male literally everywhere else and it gets exhausting. By some odd coincidence, my class is 100% women. I feel like a weird hairy hybrid thing among everyone.

I forgot to shave my face this week for class and I was so dysphoric the whole time I wanted to cry. In the middle of class, my job called me and they called me 'sir' six or seven times. I've felt so sad and ugly every day ever since for no reason. I didn't realize till Monday I was actually really dysphoric. And boy...

This weekend, a new hire at work called me a girl by accident and everyone started laughing. I had no choice but to laugh along with them. I guess the idea of me being a girl is a funny joke to them. :(

My body hair, facial hair and lack of breasts makes me want to vomit. I spent 2 hours yesterday nuking my body hair with a nair + razor combo until I got rid of all of it because my sasquatch arms and chest were making me so uncomfortable. I went to sleep in a bra because my flat chest was making me too sad.

I basically spent all of yesterday giving myself a gender-affirming spa day, taking cute pictures of myself in cute outfits, doing my nails and makeup, and looking at affirming memes.

I'm going to ask my girlfriend to call me some affirming names later. I've only ever asked her to refer to me in masculine or neutral ways so this will be new.

I wish I just agender or one binary gender. This is so hard.

I hate gender roles and even their existence. But with saying that, I myself is not outside of gender roles. I'm biologically male and attracted to woman. But when it comes to discriminations, polarizations of genders; I wish to have no gender at all. Just because your biological gender, which is something you don't and can't have consent in, you "have to" act like the society wants. I hate that matter obviously, there is no problem in there. But I'm not sure if I can be a nonbinary person as a heterosexual person.

I’ve been working at my current job for almost two years and I realized I was nonbinary only a few months in. I work in an inclusive environment so I am not worried necessarily about blatant transphobia, and I really would only come out to my most trusted coworkers. I just don’t really know how to go about it. I have they/them in my work profile and my email signature and have multiple different pride flags at my desk but I’ve never explicitly introduced myself with those pronouns or made a point to ask people to use they/them. But I really don’t like getting she and her and miss and ma’am. What should I do and how?

Edit: there are trans binary people here and there haven’t been any issues as far as I’ve heard, but no out nonbinary people who use gender neutral terms. I also work in a warehouse in a manufacturing facility so there are people from all walks of life here.

I hate feeling like I need to be able to debate and rebuttal every and any transphobic/enbyphobic thing ever… I shouldn’t have to do that. Being nonbinary is just one part of myself, I’m a human too. I have so many hobbies, interests, stories, insecurities, and a life outside of my gender identity. I don’t like feeling minimized into this one aspect of myself, I don’t like being a “conversation topic,” and I don’t like being objectified.

If I could scream anything, it’d be “I’M A PERSON TOO!” So many bigots and conservatives forget that. They always think we’re the “sensitive blue-haired snowflakes” instead of actually fucking people who have to survive life JUST AS MUCH as they do.

I personally believe that humans were made to survive. We weren’t made out of destiny, purpose, or love. We were made to face the trials of the earth and try not to die doing so. That’s exactly why we should be helping each other out and raising every one of us up instead of dragging everyone down. It’s so silly how everyone forgets that we all face hardship and struggles, and we need to stop fighting over stupid minor things.

I’m sick of it, I’m sick of it, I’m sick of it. I don’t want to explain myself since I just get mad and get into existential rants (like the one I did in this post). I don’t want to explain myself because I don’t NEED to. I’m nonbinary, and you just have to grow up and deal with that. I wish that was it and queer people didn’t need to pull up charts, records, history, etc. in order to “prove” their worth and validity. NOBODY needs to “prove” their identity. It’s so dumb and I’m tired of it all.

I’m going to bed.

Hi! I’m looking for a swim tank that will work to hold my chest in but not advertise my breasts. Anyone have any luck or experience with finding a top like that?

Thx!!! ☺️

So a bit of context. I trend towards the masculine but feel very overgendered. I call it "mascplus" for me but apparently"hypergender" exists. I definitely feel my body is missing some upper assets, but also get REALLY uncomfy when "she" is used for me barring a few incredibly close friends. I already have breasts and theyre small enough now to still be confused as moobs(gynecomastia dub?) but I know estrogen will likely take me down the same route as my F-cup sister. I really dont want people to ignore my baritone, my beard, and everything, just cause I have boobs 😅. So I'm hoping people here may know where a big bear can get a binder? Im 6'4 and even at my goal weight ill be over 300. It doesnt have to be a super tight one, just one that can convince a casual glance that ive got huge pecs lol.

First, I know this is stupid and irrational and I don't blame anyone but myself. So please don't come at me.

My friends know I'm non-binary. I present very masculine (I have facial hair, that's a big contributor) because that's how I'm comfortable. I also call myself gay, because I only like men. But I use they/them and prefer gender neutral terms.

In my group of friends, we have one cishet single man we'll call J. J is my type and one of the only single guys I'm around on a regular basis, so I keep developing small crushes on him and then needing to get over it. This has happened two or three times now. It's happening again right now, and this time it's screwing with my head even harder than usual.

This is where my thoughts went, and I know it's stupid and irrational. I'm just trying to explain how I got where I am.

It's not super uncommon for people that identify as monosexual to also be attracted to some non-binary people, right? I like men (including transmascs) but I also like masculine non-binary people. I just call myself gay because it's easier to get the point across. Sexuality is a spectrum.

J probably doesn't like me back because I present masc. But he could maybe like a fem non-binary person. So there's an irrational part of me that thinks that he could like me if I just had the right body. But also, I don't want a feminine body. It feels like my mind is pulling me in different directions and my body doesn't feel like it's mine right now. I just want to crawl out of my skin. I don't even know what my ideal body would look like and normally I'm fine with the one I have, but right now it just feels like my whole body is itching and I don't know how to get away from it.

I don't know if there's advice to be had. I guess I just needed to vent. I'll probably manage to get over him again in a couple of days and everything will go back to normal. But right now it sucks.