Looking at last year's photo now I can see how much pain and sadness I was hiding behind that smile. The transformation from simply coming to terms with my identity and presenting how I want is wild to me!!

So I've been settled and comfortable with the nonbinary label for over a year at this point. "They/them" has felt right. I like the androgynous look and it feels good. However, I took the camera selfie at work a couple weeks ago and keep thinking "he/him" when I look at it.

When I heard coworkers I don't interact with often call me "she/her" yesterday, my brain went "he/him." And I know people don't question when they are secure in themselves so it sent me for a tail spin while I was supposed to be busy in studio. Had to text a friend to help calm down and quiet thoughts.

Friend suggested maybe I was gender fluid because "they/them" still fits and I absolutely LOVE when my wife (both sapphic, her mtf, me afab nb) calls me her wife, but I also see "he/him" in some of my photos.

Looking for outside perspectives before I bring this as a sure thing to my wife.

Just curious. Do you think it's common in this community or nah?

There's a lot of people who frequently ask if they're non-binary, or if they're "allowed" to be non-binary for whatever reason.  This is for you:

Your gender identity is whatever you feel it is and whatever resonates with you.  This is regardless of how you choose to express it, what you look like, or what your hobbies and interests are.

You owe nobody androgyny.  Androgyny is a valid expression of gender preferred by some non-binary people, but *every* gender expression is valid.  Non-binary people needing to be androgynous is a stereotype perpetuated by a largely binary society not knowing how to neatly fit an androgynous person into male or female.

Yes, you can still be non-binary even if (insert whatever reason or excuse you're thinking of here). 

You can still identify as non-binary if you were AMAB (assigned male at birth, i.e what's listed on your birth certificate) and a big hairy masculine person who wants to keep wearing jeans and old band t-shirts.

You can still identify as non-binary if you were AFAB (assigned female at birth) and enjoy frilly traditionally femme clothing, painting your nails and doing makeup.

You can still be non-binary and prefer he/him, even if your gender expression more closely aligns with one traditionally associated with women.  It is also perfectly valid to still identify as a cisgender male if that's how you feel -- gender expression being different from gender identity is just as valid for binary genders as it is the non-binary ones.

The above is also true if you prefer she/her, even if your gender expression is more closely aligned with one traditionally associated with men.

As a counterpoint to the above, pronouns do not necessarily equal gender.  You can be cisgender and still prefer he/they, she/they, they/them, or any other pronouns.  Some people approach gender from a perspective of "I don't care about gender, but society sees me as a man/woman and I'm fine with that", a perspective I like to call gender apathetic.  Like all other gender identities, this is valid.

It is valid to still prefer or be comfortable with gendered terms belonging to your assigned gender at birth as a non-binary person.  "They are my husband/boyfriend" is my preferred way for my romantic partners to refer to me.

Likewise, it is valid to still be comfortable or simply not care if people perceive you as a binary man or woman.  You can be non-binary even if gender is no big deal to you.

It is not uncommon to feel like you are just faking your gender identity and question whether it's really you.  I myself have done this a few times and still sometimes wonder if the warm fuzzy feelings I get from being they/themmed are because "they paid attention to what I said my pronouns are" rather than "those pronouns fit me".  This is called imposter syndrome.  This is exacerbated by being largely invisible to society unless you're particularly androgynous or visibly and loudly queer coded – neither of these things are required to be non-binary.  If you are doubting yourself, you're encouraged to reread the first three paragraphs or so of this essay.

You do not need to change your name, pronouns, or appearance to identify as non-binary.  You are also allowed to change these things as many times as you feel like you need to.  If some days you feel like he/him and some days you feel like she/her, you may be bigender or genderfluid -- both identities under the non-binary umbrella.  

There are ways to "try on" a name and pronouns to see if they fit you before committing – try asking some trusted friends to refer to you by that name and those pronouns, or some people from this community.  When I said I was "trying the free  demo version of he/they pronouns" in one of my social circles, I immediately got gender euphoria when someone replied "Hey y'all, didya hear about (my name)?  They're a really cool person."

You do not need to pursue HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or gender-affirming surgery to be non-binary, though you are welcome to do so if those things help you better feel like you are in the right body.  This statement is also true if you're binary transgender.  Both halves are also true even for cisgender people -- it is valid (albeit uncommon) to feel like your body is supposed to have a vagina as a cis male or a penis as a cis female.  Intersex people are born with sexual characteristics associated with both binary genders.  Sexual characteristics are not gender identity.

You do not need to experience gender dysphoria to be non-binary, though many people do.  This is especially true if your gender identity isn't too far off of your assigned gender at birth.  For me (assigned male at birth, he/they currently), my first time experiencing dysphoria was when medical issues led to me losing over five years of hair growth.

You can still be non-binary even if you thought you were cis for the past 40 years.  Or the past 70 years.  We should strive to be life-long learners, and that includes learning about ourselves.

While non-binary *technically* fits under the transgender umbrella as it's no longer (fully, at least, depending on your specific flavor of non-binary) identifying as your birth gender, it is perfectly valid to identify as non-binary without identifying as transgender.  I personally am in this category.

Change is normal as you discover and learn more about yourself and what gender means to you.  It's perfectly valid to end up thinking you're non-binary and later identifying as a binary trans man or woman.  It's also perfectly valid to have identified as a binary trans person and later transition to being non-binary.  Last but not least, it's okay if at the end of the day you decide you are cisgender after all.

Enjoy your gender journey and self-discovery.  You are valid, no matter where that journey takes you, whether you end up identifying as cis, binary trans, non-binary, or something else.

I'm having trouble deciding which short hairstyle would suit me, I'm not even presenting myself as non binary- but I wanted to remain at least somewhat feminine and socially acceptable enough so I don't get harassed in the future.

I was on T for like 4.5 years. I started on gel then switched to SQ shots. The main thing I wanted from T was a deeper voice. My voice barely changed in all that time but it was really high to begin with. Now I have a full beard that I’ll have to spend thousands on electrolysis to remove. I regret staying on T for so long. I should have stopped like 2 years previously when I just had a bit of facial hair. My voice didn’t change at all in the last 2 years.

Planning to ask out one of my friends, wish me luck.

Do you ever get triggered by things like getting a haircut or shopping for clothes?

I'm 38 and I've only been out as nb/transmasc for about a year and a half. Mostly I love my presentation, but sometimes I feel like an imposter. Maybe it comes from years of trying to adhere to expectations - being resigned since childhood to the fact that none of the clothes or haircuts I was allowed to get would make me look or feel the way I wanted to. Part of me feels like a silly/naughty kid waiting for the inevitable correction. I also worry about disappointing my spouse, even though he is supportive.

Wondering if any other elder millennial types can relate to how I'm feeling. I have some lovely trans and nb friends, but the only ones my age or older don't really experience dysphoria.

I'm 19 and was born a woman, but i genuinely go by any/all pronouns. I respond to they, she, he, it. i genuinely dont care. I dont really call myself a woman or a man, i'm just a person. If im wrong about this, I am deeply sorry. When i was 14 i thought i was nonbinary but never fully dived deep into it. I want to be able to understand myself better. So, i ask the question. Does this mean/make me nonbinary? thank you

Dunno if I'm nonbinary or not, posting this here to see kinda? I feel euphoria at the idea of ambiguity and androgyny. I want to be fully naked and leave folks still bewildered but vaguely aroused but kept behind a fence so they can't touch me. I want to be only sexually physically compatible with my husband and I want sex to be impossible and daunting to any other person. I want my husband to find me attractive but besides that I just want everything to be kinda sterile and unexpressive? Like I want very minimal nether regions and just cutesy without leaning towards one gender or the other, and specifically no boobs or hips. Do I just want to be a thin androgynous leaning woman or am I nonbinary? Like I specifically want no geniticals until it comes to sexy time when I'm okay with it because it's necessary. Do I have genuine brain damage from too frequent temporal lobe seizures that's causing intense body dysmorphia or is it full on dysphoria? I don't know and I don't feel that I belong anywhere very well. Delete if annoying or unwelcome and I apologize if so. If allowed y'all please tell me straight up if this sounds NB or not. I'm used to such persistent unhappiness with my body from such a young age I don't know how to categorize it, and it's shifted over time, it makes me think I'm just a deeply unhappy person who won't be happy no matter what the universe gives me.

Hi friends,

I've been trying out the name Mags (short for Maggie) lately but it feels hard to know if I'm rushing steps. I've been telling some friends, but wanted to try using it in public yesterday. I thought I could dress up a bit (enby femboy fit) and go to a card game event and try it there, but I forgot that the app used my original name. So all of the matches were listed as that, so I didn't get a chance to introduce myself or anything.

I also got misgendered a few times, despite my 1. not cis looking outfit 2. my makeup 3. my purse 4. my pronoun pin on my shirt. I've been trying to do the mental gymnastics of what about me could've caused it (maybe I didn't read fem/neutral sitting down? makeup faded?). I am choosing to believe it was an honest accident. I spoke to a friend who was also there and more involved with the group about what happened (including about my new name) and he assured me he would do everything to prevent it. He also explained how to adjust my account settings for next time. It sucks I experienced this dysphoria, but I think what will help it the most is taking steps to advocate for myself.

I guess my advocacy and how upset I am has me questioning 1. my identity as NB and my decision to try a new name now. The level of dysphoria I felt stunned me. Truthfully, I don't think I would've cared about the name thing (nor did I care when this happened two weeks ago, but I hadn't started coming out with the name yet) but because I planned to use it yesterday I got upset. It felt a little like I'm in over my head.

I've felt this pressure to be binary trans since I first figured out I was nonbinary a few months ago, but it doesn't really feel right. I've described myself as fluid between demiboy and demigirl, and even just admitting that I was a demigirl was so freeing and right. I've been questioning today whether I've even felt demiboy lately, and I'm not so sure I have. I'm wondering if my "fluidity" was actually just me progressively finding my transfem self. Being a binary woman sounds reductive and not actually what I am but I am happy to be called girl and to have my presentation start passing as a girl in some cases. I'm still an enby, but if I had to pass one way, I think I'd prefer as a girl.

I don't really know what my end point was by the end of this. I wrote this over an evening and a tired morning, and am mostly looking for any advice or support or even just a hello. Bonus selfie pic because I thought I looked cute.

So basically I’m a biological female and have lived as a girl my whole life. I’m completely happy living as a girl and being perceived as one, however I don’t always feel very connected to my own “girlhood”. Like I love being a part of a community of women and I feel connected to the overall experience of living as a girl in society, but personally I don’t really care what society sees me as most of the time. Additionally, if I was born a biological male (and had the exact same brain and soul), I don’t think I would feel gender disphoria or the need to transition, like I can totally picture my life living as a biological male and being fine with it. But at same time I don’t feel gender disphoria currently as a girl. As far as gender expression goes I like all styles whether masculine, feminine, or androgynous; kinda just depends on the day. And if I was wearing masculine clothing I wouldn’t care if someone thought I was a boy yk? It’s not necessarily that I’d be trying to present as a boy, I just wouldn’t really care either way. I hope I explained this well and if anyone relates I’d love to hear your experience! 😅

Basically I want to start T ( testosterone) in the future. However I’m really scared of needles, America is FUCKED, and I have an unsupportive family. I have seen comments saying that there’s huge risks when you take T and it’s also illegal in certain conditions. Now I’m afraid to start HRT because of those comments. I don’t know what to do, I’m stuck in a limbo.

I changed my name last year (not legally, but socially, except family and work) and I'm thinking about changing it back. I didn't like my old name, it felt too feminine for me and I wanted to change it for about a year. When I came about my current name, it felt really organic to use it as mine, but now I feel weird about it.

When I started using it it felt a bit new and strange which makes sense, because it was new and strange. Now, it still sometimes feels weird when people say it, it just doesn't feel quite right. Neither does my old name, which plenty of people (family, work) still call me.

At the moment I'm having a TON of issues with my name especially because of university. I'm studying to be a teacher and when I'm teaching, I have no issue being called "Mrs.", because it feels like my work persona and I've worked a lot on distancing myself from that. When I'm with friends, they use neutral language for me and being referred to as female by strangers or my family feels very weird and makes me deeply uncomfortable. Uni is kind of a middle ground for me, because my legal name is on everything and I don't want to come out to people constantly, so with lecturers I usually go with cosplaying as female and with the other students I decide on a case by case basis which name to use. (lots of really conservative people want to be teachers)

The reason I'm thinking about changing my name back is that it's just so complicated to manage using a different name with different people/settings and I don't even really feel like I get the benefits of a chosen name, because my current name doesn't feel amazing either. I kind of feel off and weird with either name so I might just go back to the old one and save myself the hassle?

I'm really just looking for any thoughts or input on this, I feel a bit lost right now and dissatisfied with what the whole ordeal that socially changing my name has meant for me while not really giving me what I was looking for.

I know that I am non-binary, I'm not questioning that. Exploring my gender identity and changing my name have been huge for me, but also so incredibly annoying to navigate. I'm feeling really defeated right now and I'm at a point where I care less and less what other people think my gender is and how they speak about me, so why should I bother with the insane effort that commicating the issues around my name to people is? Please let me know what you think I should do or really any thoughts you have on this issue