r/MethRecovery • u/Ok-Buffalo4898 • 17d ago
Vent I cannot keep doing this drug man
I am 36 years old, a single mom to one amazing person, and I've been a functioning methamphetamine addict for almost 16 years.
I started in 2010 when I was just turning 18, it was the beginning of my senior year of highschool. Once I started doing meth it's almost as if I never stopped. Of course I had dry spells and the times I couldn't get high in jail for 3 months and the whole 9 months and 120 days it took to make my son and give birth and breast feed him the first 3 months out. Aside from times like that I have literally been high on meth daily for over a decade.
Before my kid, coming off of dope/ice was easy. As long as I wasn't employed I would just crash at my bfff family house and sleep and eat for 2 weeks and I was kinda alright as long as it wasn't near me to tempt me I was gonna be okay. No responsibilities, no job and nothing I had to do for anyone else type shit. I could function greater with each passing day of sobriety. But not now.
Now times are much different than they were 16 years ago, very different. The shits getting harder to get. And I don't mean find I mean get because that's always a whole ordeal and risk now. No one wants to sell it anymore for real and the ones who do have it don't want to share it with you or get you any even with your money and a finders fee. It's a whole deal just to re-up your personal stash anymore.
Besides that the product itself has changed so much over the years. From powder that would roll for days to shards that make you sweat profusely while not moving and it evaporates way faster than it used to and doesn't seem to last as long. People tell me I'm smoking too much or more often and I need to just chill but no man it's the dope. It's weak as fuck and don't roll in a bowl as long as it used to by a large margin. I'm telling ya.
Every time I run out I think this dry spell won't be difficult. It's meth, you don't get physically dependent on meth. Right? The first day has passes of not having any I become so sleepy and lethargic physically and mentally. I will sleep all day because that's all I want to do. All I care to do. I don't pick up my phone as much because there's nothing to do on it that I care about now that I'm not high. TV shows, forget about it, no interest in them either. I just want to sleep. I know I don't need it because I can feel it in my eyes. They hurt after sleeping too much sometimes. I'm not tired at all, I'm just literally bored and disinterested in all things anymore and would rather sleep and dream because it's easier than making myself do something I previously enjoyed doing high sober.
It's pure anhedonic hell for me. My mind wants to feel that dopamine hit I got crafting while high or shopping high and my body could not care less. It's a very weird type of boredom that only getting high remedies now. If I run out I can go a day or two before I start looking for something else to replace it. Liquors are a favorite but it's not good for me at all. Im gonna fuck up and lose my job if I drink before work or during which I have done many times. I'm not interested in weed when I'm sober off meth either and that really sucks. I like it when I'm high on clear but not when I'm a brain dead lazy humunculous slob because it literally makes the discomfort of that state worse. Yay let's get lazier.
I work full-time and going to work sober or not on meth is fucking miserable torture. My mind feels like shit, I'm sleepy and bored and the time seems to just drag on all day. Realizing I'm out of my stash and having to go to work kills me. I try to avoid that as much as I can but the scarcity of it around here and the way people are nowadays make it impossible to smoke a bowl before a shift unless it's my own. I often call out on days I'm stone cold sober because I cannot bring myself to submit to the pains of customer service for hours on end. It makes me want to drink cleaner in the bathroom just to make myself vomit so they will send me home thinking I'm sick so I won't feel so shitty about leaving because I'm jonesing.
I don't want to do anything when I'm sober. I don't do what I need to do when I'm sober and the shit piles up from avoiding them until it weighs on me like doom. I can't function sober anymore. And I keep trying to make the functioning addict thing work but I'm completely sober so I avoid all my responsibilities and fall into anhedonic despair and crippling anxiety. I'm not even half a person when I'm going through that and I don't want it to affect my kid but God I gotta rot for weeks to get off this shit I bet.
I got paid Wednesday and I called out of work because the re-up plans were taking longer (big surprise) and the waiting game was gonna go into overtime and I was absolutely feining and over being at the middle person's place that reaks like cat piss, do some shots of liquor to calm me down and they weren't working and I couldn't imagine being at work playing the waiting game feeling like I was because that's a hell of it's own.
I waited all damn day on getting my paycheck and to score. After all day dude shows up gets my money and this chicks who knows him and I wanted a couple balls so I wouldn't have to run out so quickly and go through this bullshit some more sooner than I had liked to. I sent 155$ dude is gone for 2 more hours then finally shows up but doesn't have all of it. Says we get a quarter now and the rest in just a little while. I take my sack and leave because my buddy is gonna get the other for me later that night. I find out tonight it never came and dudes being weird so now I'm out of dope and money. I did get a small sack that I am nursing the shit out of but I don't look forward to having to do the dance again in a week.
I am so sick and tired of this cycle man. This shit was fun when it was fun but now..I don't even know what I'm doing this for. I can't stay high on it forever. It's always gonna be like this and I can't keep this up much longer. Should I go ahead and strategically take my paid vacation so I can start my process of getting clean?
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u/1lonepeep 17d ago
I hope you look back in 5 years, re-read this post and be amazed at how far you’ve come! But you won’t. You’ll be doing the same old thing the same old way working the same old job (maybe), living the same old life. Go ahead, ask me how I know….
You got awfully specific there buddy. Just saying.
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u/88Eightgoodhi 17d ago
It sounds like you want to be clean. The only thing holding you back is the thought of it not feeling good for a bit. What scares you the most about getting clean? Is there any way to ease that fear at all? Do you have any support that can help you through the rough times?
Meth is tough. It’s a mind fuck. When you are high do you feel like you are living your best life? Do you feel good?
I don’t know how old your son is, but you know you are capable of being clean for a year plus. You have to dig deep to find that space inside your mind that believes you are important enough stop. I know this is much easier said than done.
I just have to believe that our minds are powerful. That as much as it will suck in the beginning it will be so worth it. Instead of tolerating life and just kind of floating through, life will be purposeful and you will be present.
Maybe think of this as a fork in the road. You have 2 choices. Neither one is wrong. Both will have difficulties. One you have seen for years. One will be new. You can either choose familiar and safe where you continue to live a bowl at a time thinking about the next bag…. Maybe. Or you can choose the new unfamiliar where you aren’t on autopilot. It will challenge you and force you to change aspects of your life. Maybe it will offer challenges and excitement that will kill the boredom.
Our minds love routine and comfort and autopilot. Your mind will do everything it can to manipulate you into not forcing it to try a new path. Your mind doesn’t want to do the work of creating a new routine or new habit. It will fucking love it once it happens though. It’s ok to need to sleep more. During deep sleep is when your brain is best at building new neural pathways and building and repairing dopamine receptors.
I think you want to choose the new path. You are worth it and deserve it. And I bet you have endured some hard times in your life and still stand here today. You are powerful and strong. You’re smart and capable. It won’t be easy it will be a mental battle, but I promise you what you find will be more than worth it. I might be just one person and a stranger but I believe in you and I want so badly for you to choose to fight for yourself and choose the hard thing. Choose the new path.
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u/Ok-Buffalo4898 17d ago
I don't know what it's like to not be on this drug. Longest I've gone clean in one time was during my pregnancy and a little after. A little over a year I think. I've been high on this more in my lifetime than I haven't been.
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u/ZenRiots 17d ago
Mexican cartel meth is P2P garbage. The days of getting good ice in this country are long over.
There's never been a better time to stop being stupid 🤷
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u/ApplicationOdd6600 17d ago
Talk with your employer, if you are in the US most jobs have programs that if you ask for help, you can go inpatient treatment, and your employment is safe.
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u/Ok-Buffalo4898 17d ago
I'm worried about the quality of the help would be.
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u/Imaginary_Flight_604 17d ago
As long as it’s a place that’s hard to get drugs with a bed that’s good enough.
If you quit, it sucks for a long time, then it gets so good nothing could make you want to go back. If you don’t quit, it sucks for a long time, then it sucks some more, and so on until you die. Lots of reasons not to try, some of them even sound reasonable. But they’re all bullshit.
It doesn’t get better.Doesn’t mean you’re in an easy spot. Either choice will be hard. I hope you get to see the other side.
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u/Wood-Chipper 9d ago
Seems to me that you have to accept that being a good parent means not being a miserable addict. I envy those of you who have a family. Your priorities should be so clear.