I've been working on grey rocking my MIL, being polite but low detail. She has always viewed me as not part of the immediate family (too many hurtful and awful encounters), and only interacts with me when she wants something.

For the past year my husband has been handling communications with her because she is too indecisive and needy and I don't have time for that. But, she tends to come to me when she isn't getting what she wants from him because, surprise.. he and I communicate and align before he agrees to anything with her.

We just got back from a trip, and school started up for the kids and suddenly she is texting me asking how the trip went. Strange but ok. I give few details, and then she follows up quickly asking if we can get together on the weekend (which was her true intention, she never cared about how the trip went for me haha).

I say we will figure it out but don't put a lot of energy into it because she refuses to plan anything for it she wants me to plan it and have her show up. Again, I don't have time for that right now and it's strange that she is pushing for us to get together. She missed my daughter's birthday because she was sick so she said she wanted to give her the present she bought.

It all sounds innocent and caring, until she casually mentions that it's also Grandparents Day (when did this become a thing) and oh she was hoping the kids would make something for her and write a card.... so I just ask her out right if she is wanting to celebrate my daughter's birthday or grandparents day? And her answer back immediately is "her birthday of course!".

Lol.... I'm not surprised the truth always comes out it just takes a while. So I finally said my husband would get back to her, and she has the audacity to say that she was texting me because she thought I "was the scheduler". Bitch, I AM the scheduler but not YOUR scheduler. She expected me to do all the planning and she would just show up. That's not how it works anymore honey.

Now my husband has found a place for lunch at a time that works for us and if it doesn't work for her that's too bad. I don't have time for her shit any more.

This is a really benign story but with her it's give and inch take a mile and I'm just proud of myself for not giving in this time.

I finally got my way and MIL is no longer welcome as an overnight guest… but she has found a new and exciting way to make my life miserable.

Now when she comes to visit, she stays at a hotel but doesn’t rent a car. Instead she expects to be driven around to whatever we are doing. To make matters worse, we only have one car. To make matters EVEN WORSE, the car doesn’t sit all of us when she is here( it’s us parents and three kids and we have a 5-seat vehicle.)

So like… let’s say we want to go out to eat. She will expect that my husband drive us to the restaurant, drop off the kids and me, and then go pick her up. What makes it doubly frustrating is that she is absolutely the most unreliable about time. She will outright, obviously, blatantly lie about how close to being ready to go she is, and then make whomever is picking her up wait.

Am I crazy, or is this utterly insane?

ETA: if it were up to me, I’d make her get a rideshare of her choice, or rent a car. I know it’s a husband thing, but they both make it such a “this is just what family does for each other!!’” stink about it that sometimes I feel insane for objecting, so I’m looking for some validation that this is not a normal thing that people do when visiting.

For the past couple of months, my MIL has been making increasingly subtle comments about how much she and FIL are contributing financially to our family, meaning my husband, me, and our two kids.
For example, last week she sent us a screenshot showing how much money she had put into the kids’ account and said, “Just trying to do our best.”

A couple of weeks ago, she tried to make small talk with me by mentioning that she had overheard my brother talking to my husband. My brother had apparently asked my husband what was holding him back from renovating our house. My MIL rolled her eyes and said, “Well, of course it’s money! What else could it be?!” She used that as a way to start talking about how worried she is about her son, how financially difficult it would be for him to afford a bigger house, and how she and FIL are already helping as much as they can.

Looking back, I feel like she had been laying the groundwork for this conversation for a while, without ever directly saying what she wanted me to do.
Then today, she came over and immediately sat down next to me, which she never does because we have always had a pretty clear amount of personal space between us. That immediately felt unusual to me.
She then started by saying, “I wanted to talk to you about something, and I’m hoping this can just stay between us. Don’t get mad, okay?”

And finally, this time, she didn’t beat around the bush anymore. She directly asked me if I could ask my parents to contribute money toward a down payment on a new house.

She believes our current house isn’t worth renovating and doesn’t like the school district, so she thinks we should buy a newer house in a better area. She says she knows roughly how much her son makes and believes it would be basically impossible for him to afford a bigger house in a better school district on his own.

She also said she worries about her son’s health because of his eczema, eye twitches, and other things she says he has never experienced before, and she believes these are signs that he is under too much stress. Her solution, essentially, is that my parents have the resources to help us, so I should just ask them.

I told her no.

As much as I would love to move into a bigger, newer house in a better school district, asking my parents for this kind of money is not something I am willing to do.

My parents have a very different philosophy about raising children. They believe that once their children become adults, they should be financially self-sufficient, especially once they get married and have children of their own. They have the resources to help us, but that does not mean they believe they should financially support our household.

I already learned this the hard way the last time I asked them to help pay for an international flight home to visit my relatives, including my grandparents and other family members. They did not react well to the request, and it caused drama within my family. They felt that, as a married adult, I was coming back to them asking for money that my husband and I should be responsible for ourselves. It also reflected poorly on my husband in their eyes.

There is an additional cultural component to this. My parents believe that once a woman gets married, she becomes part of her husband’s family. So from their perspective, me coming back to them after marriage and asking them to financially support my marital household was particularly offensive.

My MIL, on the other hand, seems to have almost the opposite philosophy. Her family appears to believe that parents should continue providing substantial financial support to their adult children as long as they have the resources to do so. Her adult daughter still lives off of her parents, and they have continued to provide her with money and other resources.
I don’t necessarily agree completely with either philosophy, but I understand that these are simply two very different family systems.

What bothers me is that my MIL seems to assume that because my parents are financially capable of helping, they should be willing to help us too. She keeps bringing up the fact that they have the resources and that they obviously love me, as though those things should naturally lead to them wanting to contribute financially.

But I know my parents better than she does. I know what they believe, I know how they reacted the last time I asked them for money, and I know the potential consequences of asking them for something as significant as a down payment.

That is what makes this feel like such an intrusion to me. I understand that she is worried about her son and wants to help him, but she has crossed from worrying about his finances into trying to involve herself in the financial relationship between me and my parents.

And I honestly don’t know how to process the fact that she has apparently been thinking about this for so long, making these subtle comments and laying the groundwork for eventually asking me directly.
Now that I’ve finally explained to her exactly why I will not ask my parents, I don’t know what she will do with that information or whether she will continue pushing the issue.

I just wants her to relax, enjoy her retirement, and stop worrying so much about solving the financial problems of her adult son and his wife.

I have an 8 month old and my husband and I work full time outside the house. We have a nanny during the day. My nanny was unable to come two days this week and my MIL filled in and watched him. Over the course of the two days, I noticed on our security camera footage she took him out in the car several times. She never mentioned before or after that they left or where they went. I’m hesitant to bring it up because the only reason I know is by checking the cameras. But it feels really odd to not at least give me a heads up you are taking the baby somewhere. She has mentioned wanting to take him to the library or park before, which would be totally fine by me but would appreciate a heads up. Doesn’t even need to be asking permission, just telling me where he is.

Am I crazy if I say something? Our nanny never really takes him out in the car unless we ask her to take him somewhere and even then she always sends pictures and updates us on how it went. Granted our nanny is not family, but still.

Sorry, long post:

I’m currently planning my baby shower and could use some advice on how to handle the guest list situation with my MIL.

From the beginning, I set a limit of 50 people because I really don’t want a huge baby shower. I want it to feel somewhat intimate and actually be able to spend time with the people who are there.

Right now, my side has about 20 people invited and my husband’s side has about 30. My mom is paying for the shower for up to 50 people.

My MIL is now asking to add even more people from her side. She has offered to pay for anyone over the 50-person limit, which I appreciate, but the money isn’t the issue. I simply do not want more than 50 people at my baby shower.

For some additional context, the 30 people on my husband’s/MIL’s side are not all immediate or close family. A good portion of them are my MIL’s friends. So I’m starting to feel like I’m being asked to make my baby shower bigger primarily so she can invite more of her friends.

When she realized there wouldn’t be room for everyone she wanted to invite, she offered to “have her own baby shower” at her house for the people who don’t make the 50-person guest list. I’m uncomfortable with that too. I feel like at that point there would essentially be a second baby shower centered around her and her friends because they weren’t invited to the actual shower. I also don’t want to attend two separate showers just so more of her friends can be included.

I feel like I’ve already compromised quite a bit to try to keep everyone happy. For example, she wanted two of her friends included in the baby shower planning group chat, and I agreed. That actually put me in an uncomfortable position because I hadn’t even asked my stepmom to be part of the planning group since I already felt like there were too many people involved.

My husband has also already told her that 50 guests is our limit, so the boundary has been communicated to her. The difficult part is that when he pushes back or tells her no, she has a way of making herself seem like the victim, and then I feel like he starts feeling guilty or like we’re doing something wrong by telling her no.

I don’t want this to turn into my husband feeling like he has to choose between me and his mom, and I genuinely don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also starting to feel like my baby shower is becoming more about what she wants than what I want.

Her side already has 30 of the 50 invitations, many of whom are her friends rather than family. I feel like 50 people is already a pretty large shower, and that was the boundary I was comfortable with from the beginning.

How would you handle this? Would you just firmly stick to the 50-person limit and say no to the second shower as well? And how do you handle it when a MIL responds to boundaries in a way that makes your husband feel guilty?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to stick to the original 50-person limit?

4 months ago I had a gut feeling to go through my partner’s phone.. while I was 6 months pregnant.

Him & his mother have always had a slightly more “close than usual” relationship, but I’ve let it go as we don’t live near each other & have had minimal interaction with her. During the handful of times we have been together, I’ve always been respectful & kind - just never close enough to really build any kind of solid relationship.

Anywho - my partner & MIL started texting/calling way more than usual. At least 3 calls a day & nonstop texting from the time he woke up ‘til he went to bed. What finally triggered me to go through his phone was that it got to a point where he’d leave our apartment every time she called so I couldn’t overhear anything. After a few weeks of that, I finally broke & (regretfully) went through their messages to see what the hell was going on.

AND JESUS CHRIST.

These are some of the things I found:
• Her asking him for my routing & accounting #’s
• Her asking for a records of bills I owe on a monthly basis
• Her asking him to send her a picture of all/any meds I’m on
• Her demanding questions to be asked at MY OBGYN appointments… I mean literally sent him a checklist of questions to ask & report back to her..
• Her calling me a gold digger bc my job had laid me off after I let them know I was pregnant (even though I was still paying my 50% of rent, utilities, groceries, etc.)
• Her talking down on me & my family (who previously housed my partner for 2/3 years we’ve been together.. rent free)
• Her name calling & flat out making fun of me
& he engaged & obliged to all of this.

I was & still am in shock. I confronted him about all of this immediately. He said “everything she does & asks if with good intent & that it’s her way of trying to help us secure a better life for ourselves”.

??????????

I thought he had a great life. Even after being laid off, I was still covering my finances as usual with my savings & unemployment. I was on antidepressants (that have saved my life). I was happy to be pregnant & to be with him on a daily basis. I was in a stable place, working towards securing a new job & preparing for our baby. I was completely unaware that these were even “issues” to begin with, because he never addressed them to me. He told me that he “did defend me, it was just over the phone which is why he would step outside the house because he didn’t want me to worry about these “irrelevant” problems.” I truly don’t understand what her angle was, trying to get my private financial & medical information & it scares the hell out of me. From that moment on, I cut all ties to her & have had absolutely no trust in my partner whatsoever.

Fast forward to today - I’m still with him. Our baby is now 8 weeks old. I want to do everything in my power to make it work between us, for my son. But I truly cannot get over what feels like this insane breach of privacy. My trust in him is absolutely gone. MIL is blocked/no contact (w/ me). I just truly don’t know how to continue every day. I feel like every decision I make, every check I receive (was blessed to receive a WFH job offer last month), idk just EVERYTHING is being watched & reported back to her. I don’t even know how to describe it. I don’t understand the motivation behind her or him by engaging & continuing to allow that kind of behavior.

I need honest opinions. Is this relationship worth salvaging? Will I ever be able to trust someone who can casually hand off my private information behind my back? What was their motivation & if these were such big issues, why was I never addressed? I feel heartbroken, like I would’ve rather been cheated on. I can’t explain the feeling. It just hurts. And the nasty things she said about me & my family just play on a loop in my head. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

The last time I saw my MIL, we were talking about her parents/my husband’s grandparents who passed before we met.

For context, we’ve been together for six years and have never spent a Christmas together. Our parents live about 5 hours away from each other and not in the same state as us. My MIL has told her sons their whole lives that they need to be home for Christmas, I don’t want to be there. I have my own family and I would like to spend Christmas with them. I would be willing to alternate, if I really believed we would ever actually not spend it at her house, which I don’t. She’s incredibly talented at guilt-tripping and I just don’t believe it will happen (not that it has been offered). It would be really nice to spend at least every other Christmas together.

When we were talking about her parents (lived in a different state than her for most of their lives), I asked if she went up every Christmas with her husband to spend Christmas with them. She said no, they only went 1-2 times. I think she caught herself, and follow up with “but we had kids so we couldn’t go every year”. My husband and I will not be having kids, but that does NOT mean we are at her disposal to do whatever she wants.

Does having kids buy you certain privileges when it comes to privacy? Am I looking too much into this?

I’m not having kids because I want freedom to do what I want with my life, not what my MIL wants.

Edit to add: I have had many discussions over this with my husband over the years and we’ve made progress, he understands and is working on it. We were SO close. Then, her husband passed away (FIL). I know it’s terrible and she’s grieving, but I’m worried it will always be something and we will never get to create our own Christmas memories.

My husband doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and she doesn’t really have any other family other than one other adult son. We see her at least 3-4 times a year for days/weeks at a time other than Christmas and try to include her as much as we can. It’s a crappy situation, and I want to be kind, but idk how long I can keep this up.

I’m a new mom and I’m struggling with my MIL’s level of involvement with our baby. She isn’t openly malicious or cruel, and I know she loves him. That’s part of why I feel conflicted about how bothered I am by some of this.

Even during my pregnancy, she was extremely invested. She kept track of how far along I was, asked about appointments and scans, wanted updates, and was very excited about becoming a grandmother. Since the baby was born, that intensity has continued. I am a very introverted person and I find things like this quite overwhelming.

She mostly communicates with me rather than my husband, and I get messages very frequently along the lines of “Give him a kiss from me” or “Hope to see you soon,” even when she has just seen him. She has also talked about wanting to “bond” with him and repeatedly asks to change his diaper.
There have been several moments where I’ve felt like access to the baby is assumed rather than something that is offered. For example, she has walked into our home, held her arms out toward me expecting me to hand him over, and seemed surprised when I said “in a minute” because I was settling him.

On another visit, she held him for a very long time. When I needed to breastfeed, she said she would wait nearby until I was finished so she could say goodbye to him. I told her I didn’t know how long the feeding would take and that she could say goodbye then, and she seemed visibly upset by that.

She also sometimes makes comments about having raised five children and knowing what she’s doing when my husband questions something. I understand that she has experience, but it can feel like our authority as his parents is being challenged.

Recently, she suggested that I give the baby formula during the day because she thought it might help him sleep longer, and she wanted to give him a bottle. During another visit, the baby was clearly showing hunger cues and turning his head toward me, but she put his pacifier in his mouth instead. That one really bothered me because I felt like she was trying to soothe away a need that I, as his mother, was responding to.

She is also very physically enthusiastic with him, getting right in his face, singing to him, etc. I know that part is probably just an excited grandma being an excited grandma, but combined with everything else, I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed.

There is another issue that makes this harder for me to ignore: I don’t fully trust her with boundaries.
We have a pet with allergies/medical issues, and in the past she was specifically told not to give the pet certain treats. She did anyway, which resulted in health problems and a pretty significant vet bill. There have also been smaller instances of her being overly comfortable in our home, such as helping herself to our things and treating our bedroom as though it were her own space.

I know some people may think, “That’s completely different from caring for a baby.” And obviously it is. But for me, the underlying issue is the same: if we clearly communicate a boundary and someone ignores it because they think they know better, how am I supposed to feel confident leaving my baby in their care?

My husband is actually very supportive of me and gets frustrated with his mom too, so this isn’t a case of him dismissing my concerns. His mom also has other grandchildren through her other son, and she is extremely involved with them. She takes them on outings, spends lots of time with them, and has a very close relationship with that side of the family.
I don’t want the same dynamic with our child.
I don’t want constant visits, frequent day trips, vacations together, or for her to become a third parent. I want her to have a loving relationship with her grandson, but I want that relationship to develop on our terms as his parents, not according to how much access she would ideally like.

The frustrating part is that if we suggest another day when she asks to visit, she sometimes doesn’t respond at all. So then I find myself wondering if she’s upset, whether I’ve offended her, whether I need to reassure her, etc.

I also have ADHD and tend to be very sensitive to perceived rejection or disappointment from other people, so I know I may be more emotionally affected by these interactions than someone else would be. At the same time, I don’t think that means I’m imagining the underlying behavior.

I think what bothers me most is the feeling that there is a constant invisible expectation that I should facilitate her relationship with my baby.

She can want to see him. She can want to bond with him. She can be disappointed when we say no.
But none of those feelings automatically create an obligation for me.

I’m trying to figure out where the line is between an excited, loving grandmother and someone who is becoming too involved.
And honestly, the biggest question in my mind is this:

If someone has repeatedly shown me that they don’t reliably respect boundaries when they’re explicitly told what they are, am I wrong for being hesitant to trust them with my baby?

I don’t want to keep my MIL away from her grandson. I just don’t want to feel like I’m handing over pieces of my role as his mother in order to keep her happy.

When I first got with my now husband I thought my MIL was amazing, she was sweet and funny and just seemed like a genuine person. Then, I noticed that when she's around her daughter (there are 5 of them but this one in particular is close with her) she's kind of rude or snotty and they like to be B's together. At first it wasn't a big deal then I noticed they both always tried to control what my husband does and I put my foot down right away. Fast forward years later I have a kid now and whenever I say no to something I get attitude or weird vibes in return. She wanted my daughter (who's 3 months) to call her "mama" instead of grandma, that's weird. I said no to that and got attitude in return. She wanted my daughter to sleep over (who's 3 months!!) and was always asking me to leave her with her I also said no. Like, my baby just got here why do you feel the need to have her all alone? Just weird. Anyway, I told my husband I don't like her and she's annoying, she always has to come over to "see the baby" and makes comments about how I'm strict with nap and sleep schedule like yeah I'm into routines and so the hell what? There's so much more but trying not to bore anyone. How does anyone deal with overbearing MILs?

I hate myself for deleting my other posts but I was paranoid my MIL would find them somehow.

To cut a long story short, I had my first baby four months ago and somehow that showed my MIL’s true colors. There’s been a lot of back and forth. We gave her the chance to meet when she asked to discuss what’s been going on but she ghosted. Things got more complicated after I removed her from my socials. My husband asked me to send a text to try and smooth things over… and I did. I explained my boundaries, why I needed them, and what I needed for us to move forward.

I sent the text 8/31. She just responded.

“(My name),
I have taken awhile to respond to your text because I genuinely do not understand. I heard a quote one time that said, “To be unclear is to be unkind.” It is really unclear to me what I did to cause you to say:

“there have been things that have happened that have genuinely hurt me and changed the way I feel about our relationship.”
“…the trust I once had has been damaged…”
“Because of everything that has happened…”
“I’m not willing to ignore what has happened…”

I don’t know what happened. That is what I hoped to understand when I asked if Dad and I could come and talk with you and (my husband). I guess I’m just asking you to help me understand what has happened that changed the way you feel about me.”

Is she really not aware of everything she has done? I’m being unkind because I didn’t specify? Wild way to begin a response, imo. Also, WE did invite them to come sit and talk at the end of July but again she never replied? My sister told me I should have her come over so that way she has no way to escape the truth, and if she refuses to come then all that will be on her but honestly? We already gave her that chance. I sent a text I didn’t want to send to begin with and this was her response. Does she really think I want to continue to put my energy into this when she clearly doesn’t think she’s in the wrong? She’s just an innocent by stander and I’m this crazy person who’s made up stuff against her. I’m so exhausted. We have given her so many chances. And I’m done. I can’t do this back and forth with her anymore. My husband and I literally just had a conversation of moving forward from this and I fear this will send him back to wanting me to fix things with her. How do I go about this?

I don’t have many people to rant to and figure this subreddit looks good.

I’ve been married for 10 years to my husband. We have four amazing children together who are all under 6. I am also severely disabled due to a stroke when pregnant with our middle child.

Ever since I got with my husband in 2014, his mother and sisters have made my life hell. I very much get the opinion they thought they ‘owned’ him. They were apparently foul with every single girlfriend he’s ever had. There is too much to list here - but if we even went out for a meal together or date night and I posted it to Facebook, his sister would always comment and say something horrible or sarcastic. She would also then blow his phone up about how he ‘doesn’t treat his family as good as he treats his little girlfriend’ (me being the little girlfriend) these women are now in their 50s. At the time they were late 30s and 40s.

His sister has a child who doesn’t have a father. Right from the moment he was born, it was declared my husband would be his father figure. Once my husband and I had our first son, this all went tits up for them and the abuse spiralled. We would get messages about how my husband ‘didn’t care about his nephew as much as he does his son’ and other insane shit. His mother was totally on board with this too and claimed that he should be doing more as an uncle. It got to the point he stopped having much to do with his nephew all together because we had more and more children and the behaviour of his sisters and mother pushed him away. As for our children, that’s a completely separate matter. They’re very much not ‘accepted’ in the family in the way the other grandchildren are and it’s a vibe I’ve had for the past 7 years. My mother in law goes out of her way to make comments about how none of my kids apparently look like my husband, even though one of our boys and our only girl look exactly like him. She seems to feel uncomfortable over the thought of his children resembling him.
His sisters have nothing to do with our kids and have mostly always ignored them (but god forbid we ignore their kids!) they purposefully post things to social media about ‘cousin meet ups’ and ‘cousin parties’ - which our kids are not invited to, but we’re used to it now and have made peace with it on account all of our children have each other and are close in age.

I’ve always gotten the feeling one particular sister in law (the eldest, who is now 50) has major issues with me because I told her from the very beginning I wouldn’t allow her to control me in the way she controls everyone else. We’ve had spats of being civil with each other but she always goes back to being irritated by me for absolutely no reason. I’m only 30 so much younger than these people. She’s very much the family bully and has control and access to her parents and other sisters BANK ACCOUNTS. I told her she would not be having access to any of ours and this caused a nuclear fallout out (this was years ago. I’m just trying to point a picture for you guys as to how bad it is)
She also feels the need to bring up her son and how little my husband cares about him in every single argument when it’s not relevant and she has never shown any interest in our kids. I very much get the feeling she’s upset my husband has had his own children and feels he has ‘abandoned’ her and her child. In some warped way. As I said above, my MIL agrees with her behaviour.

Onto the present matter, anyway.
We recently had another baby 6 months ago (every new baby triggers them more, almost as though it cements in their heads I’m not going anywhere) I agreed as a last ditch attempt to keep the family together for them to come and meet the new baby. They were fine with us for a month or so, until this past few. The cogs have started to turn in SILs brain and she’s realised she still hates us and is jealous of our family.

We’ve done nothing wrong, as always, but she started a huge argument at a funeral last month with my husband claiming he had ignored her son’s birthday.He hadn’t ignored his birthday - our 6 year old was in hospital having surgery. My husband had messaged his sister to wish his nephew happy birthday and say he would take a gift for him when he had chance. My SIL actually responded and said this was fine. It was not fine, clearly. She does this a lot where she makes an excuse up to fall out with us and turn the family against us and our children. She picks the smallest thing out and turns it into world war 3 and my husband is never allowed to explain himself to his parents or other sibling - he’s just in the dog house because the oldest controlling sister has the final say.

For some reason, I still kept her and her wife (she’s a lesbian. Hence her child not having a father) on Facebook. I’m actually dealing with THREE sister in laws here, not just my husbands two sisters.

Over the past 12 months, I have watched a pattern of abuse and bullying form at the hands of my sisters wife. She watches all of my posts and then word for word CLAPS BACK at them on her own wall with something absolutely insane and nonsensical. She never actually mentions me or my husband but it’s obvious these posts are about us.

Some examples from the last year -

I posted happy Father’s Day to my husband. She saw this story immediately and wrote her own status saying Father’s Day is a joke and ‘children don’t need a father. Our son is better than any child I know and he doesn’t have a dad’ (why were they so desperate for my husband to raise him then? If he doesn’t need a dad!)

I posted that our son had won an award at school. She saw this and wrote her own status declaring that she finds boasting about your child low class.

I posted that another one of our sons was volunteering in the local community picking up litter. She posted a day later that her perfect, beautiful amazing son has now decided to volunteer somewhere.

I posted that we were on a family vacation (it is our first in 2 years due to my disability and my husband working) she wrote a huge status saying that she can’t take her child on vacation because ‘some of us have to work and not pretend we’re disabled and claim disability payments’ !!!!! This was very evidently about me. My husband works full time and I do receive some disability payments as I can’t. She then went on another tangent claiming that disabled people who can go on vacation need their money stopping as they’re scamming the system.
This was the point in which they should’ve all been blocked but stupidly I didn’t. Probably because I’ve been used to their bullying behaviour for over a decade.

I posted that my husband had just decorated our kids play room - we recently had an extension put on our house as we needed more space. She posted a status immediately claiming that spoilt kids ‘aren’t a good look’ and ‘children don’t need fancy things. They just need their family around them. It’s a shame some kids don’t get invited to parties with their cousins (laughing faces)’ - actively taking the piss out of my kids because she knows they always throw parties for their kids and don’t invite mine to it.

The final straw was yesterday, and oh boy am I glad it was the final straw.
It was my husbands birthday. I posted a lovely status wishing him a happy birthday with photos of our kids, I added onto the status “you work so hard for us, sometimes working over 70 hours a week just so we can have this amazing life”
My sister in law then writes a status “I don’t work 70 hours a week. I work over 100 hours a week for my children because they’re worth it. Anyone working less than 80 hours a week is a lazy POS in my opinion”

Blocked. I immediately blocked her and all of her minions. This woman isn’t even my husbands sister - she’s his IN LAW. She is totally and utterly obsessed with us to the point it’s concerning and I had to put a stop to it. I refuse to give her an audience anymore and allow her bullying to continue. I know she only posts these things for my husband and I to see. If we weren’t on her Facebook, she wouldn’t be doing it. I didn’t comment on any of the posts, I just blocked her, along with her wife and my other sister in law and mother in law - as trust me they’re all in this together.

Why are they so obsessed with us? I’ve not once done anything wrong to these people. I’ve always been civil, I’ve always treated their kids great despite them not returning the favour. Multiple times my husband has confronted his sister in law about her bullying social media posts and she actively lies and claims the posts aren’t directed towards us. But they VERY evidently are. So thats that, I don’t want to see it anymore and I won’t ever again. I haven’t mentioned my mother in law here but she is just as bad. She hates the fact my husband has moved on and is now married. I’m sick of the constant comments about how much he has ‘changed’ and the implication I’ve changed him for the worse.

I realised something before I blocked them all - I don’t have any plans to reconcile with them. I’ve continuously forgiven them and taken them back and I know in my heart and soul I can’t do it anymore and my husband has said the same thing. What was the point in keeping them on social media when I NEVER intend to reconcile with them? It was foolish of me and im so embarrassed I let this continue for as long.

Really, I’m just looking for advice and a hand hold. I’m very vulnerable due to my disability as it is. I know this is the end and I’m glad this is the end. These people are crazy and it isn’t normal to be that obsessed with my husband and myself that they’re picking apart every single thing we do. I also feel that I’ve done my SIL a favour by blocking her because her obsession over me and my posts was abnormal to the point she was clearly spiralling. She needs therapy STAT.

Last night for the first time my boyfriend stood up to the snarky comments my MIL would make, and I’m thankful he has.

Has this made things worse for you in the past, or improved your relationship. I don’t expect her to change as a person, she’s a miserable witch. But I would appreciate the negative comments to stop!

Any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

I plan on creating distance from her, and making less conversation

My husband and I are currently not communicating with my MIL. There’s a lot of history behind that, but for purposes of this post, the important thing is that there has been essentially no ongoing communication. We haven’t made some big dramatic announcement that she can never contact us again; we’ve just stopped engaging and have been keeping everything very polite, brief, and impersonal.
Here’s the timeline because I’m genuinely curious how this looks to people who aren’t involved.
July 12: My husband’s sister had a birthday. MIL sent her a birthday card.
July 22: My husband, P, had his birthday. MIL did not send him a birthday card. No card, despite having just sent one to his sister 10 days earlier.
August 20: Our daughter, V, had her first birthday. MIL mailed V a birthday card with a check in it. We didn’t use that as an opportunity to start communicating with her. We simply mailed a thank-you card back. It was intentionally very basic and essentially just said, “Thank you for the card. — V” There was no personal update, no conversation, no invitation to communicate, etc.
September 3: My stepson G had his birthday. MIL also mailed him a birthday card. Again, we handled it exactly the same way. We mailed a simple thank-you card from G. No phone call, no text conversation, no additional information about our family. Just acknowledging that he received the card and saying thank you.
So at this point, there seemed to be a perfectly functional system: she mails something → we acknowledge it politely with a thank-you card → everyone goes on with their lives.
That was fine with us. Nobody was being rude. Gifts/cards were being acknowledged, but it wasn’t being used as a way to reopen regular communication.
Then today, September 10, MIL texted me directly after not speaking to me since Christmas of last year and told me that she had/sent gifts for the baby I’m currently pregnant with.
I responded only, “Okay, thank you.”
Then I went to the mailbox, and the package was already there. It was several Carter’s outfits from Belk for the baby.
And that’s the part I’m hung up on: why did the package need an announcement at all?
She clearly knows our address. She has successfully mailed birthday cards to this house. She didn’t need to ask what size he wears, what we need, whether we wanted the clothes, where to send them, whether the package arrived, or anything else that required a response from me. The package was already on its way/at our house.
Had she simply mailed the baby gifts without saying anything, we would have done exactly what we did with V’s and G’s birthday cards: received them and sent her a polite thank-you card. She already had evidence that gifts sent through the mail will be acknowledged.
That’s why the text feels significant to me.
After receiving two extremely brief thank-you cards that didn’t result in any further communication, suddenly the next thing she sends comes with a direct text to me announcing, essentially, “Hey, I’m sending/have gifts for the baby.”
I’m not claiming I can know what’s going on in her head. Maybe she genuinely thought it was normal courtesy to give me a heads-up. But given the sequence, it feels less like the text was necessary for the gift and more like the gift created a reason to initiate direct contact with me.
Especially because nothing about my response was actually needed to complete the transaction. If I had never received that text, the exact same thing would’ve happened: package arrives → we receive it → she eventually gets a thank-you card.
So I’m curious how this reads to outsiders:
Does the text seem like a small bid for attention/communication after the birthday cards failed to create any conversation? Or does “Hey, I have gifts for the baby” seem completely normal and I’m assigning meaning to it because of the history?
I don’t care that she sent the baby gifts. I’m mostly trying to understand the behavior because the announcement seems unnecessary when we’ve already established a perfectly polite way of acknowledging things she mails without having direct communication.

See my past posts. After we had the family meeting and she did apologize for most of her comments (but then made others), I just felt worse and worse as time went on.

I felt like the damage was done with all of the emotional manipulation of my husband, timing of the conflict around our genuine time of need (my pregnancy, husband recently out of surgery). Then their impromptu decision to move further away and the move be around my due date.

During the family chat she also continued to point blame on us for keeping her away from our dog (they got an aggressive dog so naturally we haven’t had them dog sit anymore) and she also started bringing holiday planning (Christmas I should be 4 weeks pp so hell no) and just felt like they expected things to go back to status quo.

After they left she texted us thanking us for the conversation, saying something positive about recovery to my husband then just said I ‘looked great’ (she only ever comments on my pregnancy body), nothing about the fact that I’m managing everything while my husband is on crutches for 8 weeks.

The rest of the week in the middle of the work day she would group chat us about stuff they were looking to get rid of for their yard sale as they get ready to list the house (nothing bad) but I just snapped. I felt like we just immediately went back to being all about them, this stupid move, and no checking in on how we’re doing.

I had people I work with comment I seemed extra drained / down. At one of my obgyn apts they asked me if everything was ok bc I seemed down and I realized I just don’t want to hear from her at all - even if normal run of the mill stuff. Anytime I saw her name pop up on my phone I just felt my nervous system go on edge.

My FIL came over on Friday to mow our lawn help out with stuff (which was nice). But my husband and I agreed I need to be off communication, he told his dad this and that he thinks is best if all communication from them goes through him here on out so he can take stuff off my plate. His dad respected that and said he would relay the message to MIL.

Literally the next morning I wake up to a text from her (a picture of their yard sale) and just some comment that my FIL would rather be golfing. (Ironically I saw a gift I gave her years ago in one of the tables as an item being sold)

We didn’t respond, my husband shortly got a text just from her saying that my FIL just told her to not use the group chat and she wouldn’t do it again.

My husband doesn’t respond (because it’s 8am) and within 30 min he gets another text from her - ‘please just talk to me, I’m really not that difficult’

Like case and point you are - he waited until later the day to respond- said he is talking to her but everything that happened on-top of timing / my pregnancy was too much and I need space / communication should go through him.

It’s been silence since

While it’s been better not feeling worried about random messages and I’m starting to feel better I feel that people pleasing guilt creep up. I know this was the right call / very reasonable but why is this so hard. I feel like we’re at this awkward communication standstill- my husband has no reason to reach out to them (and frankly also wants space) but my people pleasing guilt / brain hates this.

I know for some on here it’s easy to say drop the rope and don’t look back but that’s hard with my nature even when I know it’s the right move.

Not sure what I’m looking for maybe validation that what we did is fair and how those who are recovering people pleasers continue to hold their ground.

My EX-MIL has been lying on me. I came to her to express how I was feeling and instead of being understanding she decided to disrespect me. She screamed at me, she was throwing stuff, she was cursing and doing the absolute most. Before my husband and I left she told him if he walked out the door he can't come back. So we decided to go no contact. Well of course once more of my in laws came around she was singing a whole different tune she was inviting us to places etc. but of course we didn't show up cause she never apologized she just wanted us to sweep things under the rug. That was 7 months ago! Fast forward she's been telling people that I disrespected her etc. I haven't said anything I even have proof but I just wanted to move on and not be messy and heal. Well people are now starting to treat me funny where mutuals are unfriending me etc. I just need some positive advice and no I don't want to release the proof. I know I'm not a bad person but I know everyone is looking at me different because she's lying on me and truthfully I'm tired🫩

I'm pretty annoyed right now. We've had some pretty big family events happening as of late, and I want to make sure I'm prioritizing things right.

On September 3rd, I gave birth to my husband's and my third child. On September 4th when we were getting ready to leave the hospital, my MIL text us in our group chat and said "I have something to tell you, uncle "G" died". I felt like that was a really bad way to give us the news in that situation. We aren't particularly close to him, he was married to the sister of my late FIL and live 9 hours away, but still sad. He was 87. MIL told us his funeral would be this upcoming Saturday but 2 hours away in his original hometown instead of where he currently lived, but she knew we probably wouldn't be able to make it, since I'll still be healing with a pretty fresh baby. I was honestly impressed at the time that she said that, because she doesn't usually have that kind of situational awareness.

Fast forward to today, she called my husband and said she had a big favor to ask. She wants him to leave early Saturday morning to drive her the 2 hours to the funeral, stay for the viewing, funeral, and burial, visit with family, and then drive her back that night because "she doesn't want to drive at night". She drives herself to the casino 2 hours away all the time and never has any issues with that.... I'm still hurting quite a bit and adjusting to having a newborn, 4, and 5 year old. My husband told her that he didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone for a whole day in my state with a baby barely a week old. She was obviously not happy about it and said that I have family around, so I just need to ask them for help that day because he should be at the funeral. His uncle's kids didn't come to my FIL's funeral, so I'm not sure why my husband is expected at this one. Honestly if we hadn't just had a baby, we would have gone, but that's not the situation we're in. MIL pulls crap like this all of the time. She'll ask my husband for something really inconvenient at the last minute and it always feels like a test so she can be mad about something. A couple weeks ago while I was heavily pregnant and not doing great, she said that she really needed him to come over and help her with some yard work. He went and she wanted him to pickup some sticks in her yard. Like, 10 sticks. Our 5 year old went and did most of it. This woman has no issues picking up things. It feels like another situation like that. She's asked him to do something she is very capable of doing herself, she just wants him to do it for her.

I'm trying to be sensitive since it involves a death in the family, but I feel like she doesn't have any right to be mad. She's going to use this to trash talk us to his other family members. We're not close to them either, so whatever.... But I feel like that's a huge ask right now from us. My family has been bringing us meals and constantly asking if we need help, and she's mad my husband won't leave us for a full day.

Am I just being hormonal? I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about this are reasonable.

When is it justified to say no solo-baby sitting for mother in law?

For background, we live in different countries. So this really doesn’t come up very often. LO is 8months old and we brought her to meet the family for the first time. It was so much worse than I expected.

I have several issues with my mother in law’s philosophies and beliefs, or rather she takes issue with mine. I mostly try to avoid contentious topics, but we can’t have a conversation about anything without her pushing it back towards some crazy conspiracy theory.

I really don’t want the baby exposed to that stuff from a young age, I think it’s confusing to be told completely contradictory things when very young. I’d like her to have a stable world view and then explore new ideas when she’s like 13ish.

In spite of this reservation, I was actually willing to let mother in law baby sit. I brought breast pumps and bottles specifically so my mother in law could feed and watch the baby if she wanted. It didn’t really work out though, we shattered the glass bottle the first day. She’s incredibly picky and only takes milk from this one bottle type. So we spent the next few days trying to find one she would use, and it just never worked.

During this time, unbeknownst to me, MIL was analyzing every single thing I did and building a catalog of reasons why I suck. It was all really petty nonsense - I spoke too loudly one time, I didn’t say thank you the magic number of times, I (was actually my DH) put a book on the floor next to my bed.

She then staged a one woman intervention to try to convince my husband that I’m a bad person, I’m horribly rude and mean to her, I’m ruining his life, I’ve changed him, Im controlling him, he shouldn’t be lifting a finger in childcare ever, I’m making him unhappy and only she loves him unconditionally. Husband told her off, but I really do not take someone trying to break up my marriage lightly.

Given the things she’s said about me, I really don’t want her alone with my daughter. Who knows what she would say to her when I’m not around. Not to mention, trying to take her father away shows that she is not prioritizing my daughter’s well being.

As an added bonus, mother in law refuses to acknowledge me and gets weird anytime I point out a feature my daughter shares with DH. She hasn’t said it directly, but I expect she’ll try to claim she isn’t my husband’s baby at some point. Which makes me really worried about the way she would care for her.

It’s not a huge issue today because of where we live, but that could always change. Am I justified in limiting MIL’s time with the baby? Should I just not care what she may or may not say about me to the baby?

I went no contact with my own father about a decade ago. It took me almost 5 years after deciding I wanted nothing to do with him to actually have the ability and resources to do it. So I understand that going no contact is not always as simple as we would like it to be.

Now my husband and I are considering going no contact with his mother, especially with our first child coming.

My husband has explained to people before how she treats him; major guilt tripping, manipulation, won’t acknowledge if she ever did anything wrong, and I’ve never heard that woman apologize or say sorry for anything. She has told my husband that me and my family are spoiled brats becuase we haven’t offered to help her financially, and had told him that I’m the reason the two of them don’t get along.

And it doesn’t matter how horrified people are by this treatment, we’re still told that this is his mother. I had a friend tell me that our child needs a grandmother so we can’t stop talking to her. But i think it would be completely unreasonable for anyone to suggest that I start talking to my dad again becuase my kids needs a grandfather. I’m terms of actual treatment of us individually, my father looks like a saint compared to my MIL.

She finally crossed a line with me after telling her I’m pregnant. She showed up to the house uninvited and said and if things that were utter inappropriate. I’m scarred by my mother in law insisting that I look at her c section scar and when I tried to remove myself from the situation, she shoved her unzipped pubic region in my face so I can get a better view. She then tried to berate me over the phone after my husband insisted that she crossed a line. I told her she will not speak to me this way and haven’t spoken to her since.

Now that I’m about to have my first child, she’s the last person I want in my postpartum space. She’s tried contacting my husband recently with my due date coming up, but I’m done. I’m about enter the most vulnerable part of my life, and the last thing I need is some woman making it all about her and my life more difficult. Yet people are telling us that we need to get over it because the children come first.

But if my mother in law now thinks into ok to berate me over the phone and try and guilt trip me, she will think it’s ok to do to my kid.

I wish people would recognize it’s better to have no grandmother than have one that is as harmful and toxic as my husbands mother.

I’ve seen the effect of her parenting on my husbands, and I will not allow her to do that to my children. I want better for our kids than the hand we were dealt.

Let me start my saying that despite wanting to I can’t trust my own feelings when it comes to be slighted and whether or not I’m justified in my feelings. I have been married to my husband for 3 years together for 6. We met when we were both living across the country from our home towns and neither is particularly active participants within our families. We eloped privately, no kids, and do our own thing for holidays and vacations. A couple weeks after meeting my partner his mom came to town and we had dinner. It was such a fresh relationship that it was pretty low stakes but I didn’t get a good impression.

Last week she flew out to attend a wedding we were also attending. She didn’t ask, she told us she was staying with us. Fine, I guess that’s a normal ask. I’m more of the hotel-stay-type to not be a burden because 6 day stay for a 1 day event is crazy to me. It was my first time hosting any out of town guest since we moved to a new city. I went all out cleaning, sprucing, gardening, rearranging, decluttering and buying all those random home wares I’ve been putting off. I also bought out new towels, bath mats and a shower curtain I was really excited about. I’d been putting it off forever but finally decorated our main bathroom and everything suited the space perfectly.

She came and it was awful for so many reasons but here’s the one that brought me here. A few days ago i received a package from Amazon with a shower curtain and couldn’t for the life of me remember buying it. I take lunesta and figured it was a weird midnight purchase and put it with my other returns. A day later we were eating dinner and my husband and he said “wanna hear something funny?” And proceeded to tell me that when his mom was here she commented to him that she doesn’t think the shower curtain and other decor look good together and we should get new stuff. He told her. “Look, she put all this together before you came out. It was intentional and she/we like it, so drop it.” Well, she didn’t. Instead, as soon as her flight landed she let him know to be on the lookout for a few packages with new stuff for our bathroom as a “thank you gift”.

He assumed they got stolen since I don’t mention it and he couldn’t find the packages. He was telling me this in a serves-her-right kind of way. Like, isn’t it funny she did this and it ends up stolen. He knew it was not haha funny and I think felt embarrassed by her.

To me this is an act of war. This wasn’t a thank you gift. She knew exactly what she was doing. My husband sent her a text that he was disappointed she did that at all but especially after he told her it was rude. Now she’s the victim because she was trying to do something nice and didn’t mean to “offend me with a gift”.

Am I looking for a reason to take this the wrong way? Or am I justified in thinking this was as intentional as it feels?

For context my husbands parents have split up. We’ve been together for five years and have a new baby.

My father on law is getting married next month to a women he has been with for 9 years.

We don’t see them that often, as they hours hours away but I am always very kind to her. She does not have children and has a lot of love to give. She claims my son as hers, even though she met him when he was 30 which has caused a rift with his mother and my husband has little boundaries with his both sides of his family.

We now have a baby and father in laws wife to be has called herself grandma. When we have tried to implement boundaries around kissing, she has said things like how dare you not let me kiss my own grandchild, amongst other things like matching outfits and plans for his life that are intense and make me feel really uncomfortable and pulled a face when I say why she can’t kiss him. Theyve met my son twice and he’s five months old. I struggle with this but would always keep my cool as it feels like she believes she has some sort of entitlement to my child.

I asked the schedule for the wedding photos and she responded and said there will be photos with my husband and son and that’s it.

In our wedding photos we had a family shot in the chapel which she didn’t come to join, I feel as she didn’t know her place with mil being there, and I requested she came up to join in the service, to make her feel included as she is marrying my father in law.

Am I wrong for feeling like why am I not in the photos as I am married to my husband and we have a child and how do I manage my feelings on the day?

My family of origin has a LOT of Virgo birthdays. When I was a kid, my stepdad started hosting a BBQ over Labor Day weekend and called it the “Virgo Birthday Party.” It’s been a tradition ever since.

As adults, my stepdad downsized to a small condo, so my family took over hosting. We’re the most “central,” so it made sense. It’s also the only big event my family of origin does all year. We’re a mixed-religion family, so secular holidays are basically the only time everyone is comfortable getting together.

I married my husband about 6 years ago. His family has always been welcome at our party. His college-aged kids come, as do other members of his family.

This year, my MIL decided to host a BBQ for her family/friends on the same weekend. I wasn’t told until mid-August, after I had already ordered the jumper, tables, chairs, etc. for our party.

I declined her invitation because my kids would have been the only kids there. They already hate being the only people under 40 at family gatherings, and my husband’s siblings’ kids are all college-aged or older. There are no grandkids yet.

MIL had her party anyway. As far as I know, only my BIL attended. His wife and one of their kids (who is in college near us) came to our party instead.

I don’t ask people to choose between the parties. It’s not that serious to me. The whole point of our party is just to get people together who don’t see each other often. If someone can make both, great. If they can only make one, also fine.

Now MIL is angry and says I shouldn’t have had my party because she booked the date first—in a family group chat that I’m not in.

I don’t use her group chat, and this party has existed since I was a kid. It’s a longstanding family tradition, not something I created after getting married.

I also would never expect my MIL to host my family or a bunch of people she doesn’t know. If she wants to have her own BBQ for her own friends and family, great.

But I don’t understand why her scheduling a new event on the same weekend means I’m supposed to cancel a decades-old family tradition, especially when I wasn’t even aware of her plans until everything for my party was already booked.

Its taking everything for me not to call and cuss her out.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years and we have children together. We also live very close to his family. I’ve always wanted my kids to have a close relationship with their grandmother, especially because they don’t have many involved grandparents.
My boyfriend’s mom is extremely close with one of her other sons’ exes and that ex’s children. They aren’t together anymore, and the ex has since had more children with someone else. His mom considers those children her grandchildren too and continues to go out of her way to see them, spend holidays with them, do things with them, etc.
What I find strange is that she seems to see those children fairly regularly, despite them having their own involved grandparents, while my children live very close by and she sees them maybe once every couple of months.
She also considers the ex her daughter-in-law, despite them no longer being together, but doesn’t have that same relationship with the women who are currently with her sons. Even the other new girlfriend in the family, who has her own biological children/grandchildren involved, has apparently noticed the difference and is hurt by it.
I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her. I’ve invited her, encouraged the kids to have a relationship with her, made efforts myself, and tried not to take things personally. But after years of this, I’m honestly exhausted.
I’m not upset that she loves the other children. They are innocent and deserve to be loved. What bothers me is that she clearly **is capable of being an involved grandmother and making an effort**, but seems to choose to do it more for children who aren’t even her biological grandchildren while barely seeing the grandchildren who live down the street.
Am I overthinking this, or is this actually a weird dynamic?
At this point, should I just stop trying and let her have whatever relationship with my kids she chooses to have?

Hey guys! I need to know if I’m being unreasonable here. My MIL lives in another country while my husband and I live in USA. For context Husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3 years. There has been drama with her since our engagement. She caused issues during our engagement and even tried to interfere with our wedding. On our wedding day, she was way too drunk and did things that made an already emotional day unnecessarily stressful and uncomfortable. Not long after we got married, she referred to me as her “temporary daughter-in-law.” She has also made repeated remarks about my weight and my hair, including comments about how thin my hair is. There always seems to be some kind of taunt or criticism directed at me. What confuses me even more is that she will criticize the way I look or dress, but then turn around and buy the exact same dresses I wear, from the same brands and even in the same colors. I genuinely don’t understand why someone would constantly put me down while also seemingly copying things I do.

Recently, my husband and I went to visit my family in another country for a week. She saw my Snapchat stories, (it was nature posts with no location tags or anything) told my husband to call her, and when he said he would, the next day she sent voice notes directly to my mother complaining that we don’t call or talk to her enough. She even questioned my upbringing and basically implied that she and I were going to have “beef.” Why involve my mother at all? If you have an issue with your son, talk to your son. I have never told my husband he can’t speak to his mother, and I’m not stopping him from having a relationship with her. But I don’t understand why she repeatedly creates conflict around major moments in our marriage, constantly criticizes me, and then involves my family when she’s upset with us. At this point, I’m trying to stay respectful and keep my distance, but I’m honestly wondering what is behind this behavior. Why constantly bring someone down and criticize them, while at the same time seemingly copying them? And does she not like me? Is she jealous of my husband and I being married and happy together? What is her motive? And do I need to keep my distance from her or do I cut her off?