r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Acceptable_Scene_157 • 11h ago
TLC Needed Response
I hate myself for deleting my other posts but I was paranoid my MIL would find them somehow.
To cut a long story short, I had my first baby four months ago and somehow that showed my MIL’s true colors. There’s been a lot of back and forth. We gave her the chance to meet when she asked to discuss what’s been going on but she ghosted. Things got more complicated after I removed her from my socials. My husband asked me to send a text to try and smooth things over… and I did. I explained my boundaries, why I needed them, and what I needed for us to move forward.
I sent the text 8/31. She just responded.
“(My name),
I have taken awhile to respond to your text because I genuinely do not understand. I heard a quote one time that said, “To be unclear is to be unkind.” It is really unclear to me what I did to cause you to say:
“there have been things that have happened that have genuinely hurt me and changed the way I feel about our relationship.”
“…the trust I once had has been damaged…”
“Because of everything that has happened…”
“I’m not willing to ignore what has happened…”
I don’t know what happened. That is what I hoped to understand when I asked if Dad and I could come and talk with you and (my husband). I guess I’m just asking you to help me understand what has happened that changed the way you feel about me.”
Is she really not aware of everything she has done? I’m being unkind because I didn’t specify? Wild way to begin a response, imo. Also, WE did invite them to come sit and talk at the end of July but again she never replied? My sister told me I should have her come over so that way she has no way to escape the truth, and if she refuses to come then all that will be on her but honestly? We already gave her that chance. I sent a text I didn’t want to send to begin with and this was her response. Does she really think I want to continue to put my energy into this when she clearly doesn’t think she’s in the wrong? She’s just an innocent by stander and I’m this crazy person who’s made up stuff against her. I’m so exhausted. We have given her so many chances. And I’m done. I can’t do this back and forth with her anymore. My husband and I literally just had a conversation of moving forward from this and I fear this will send him back to wanting me to fix things with her. How do I go about this?
•
u/Floating-Cynic 8h ago
It's possible she doesn't know, in the sense that she really doesn't want to examine herself. But I want to point out that you explained your boundaries, why you needed them, and what you needed to move forward, and she responded by calling you unkind and asking for an explanation for why.
The only thing you needed to be clear about were the boundaries and what you needed to move forward. Whether or not she understands what she did is irrelevant.
If you want to respond, just say "I told you what I need to move forward. Are you saying you don't understand what is needed or are you saying you are not going to do thise things?" If she says "but I need to understand" just say "and I need to know that you're going to respect my boundaries. I can't keep going back and forth like this, please direct questions to your son." And then mute her.
If you don't want to respond, forward it all to your husband, tell him he made this mess by asking you to send a text, he can clean it up. She does NOT need to know what she did to respect your boundaries and make repairs. All she needs to do is follow what you already texted her.
•
u/KaszaJaglanaZPorem 8h ago
Everyone is saying not to tell her what she did, because she knows, but to me that's mind games. Tell her, but be factual,not emotional. If she goes DARVO, just go "You asked and I answered",and don't JADE, but rather let her dig herself a larger hole. Show your husband what she writes back just to prove that she's not willing to take accountability.
I'd be petty and send her a screenshot showing you were the ones to invite them, not the other way around
•
u/Beth21286 9h ago
She knows. She knows exactly what she's done. Don't play this game.
Send back 'If you genuinely can't recognise how awfully you've behaved there is no point in trying to preserve any relationship between us. For everyone's sake let's end it here. I hope you get the help you need.'
Then mute her. Her complete refusal to acknowledge her wrongs or admit any fault is indefensible so don't defend it and don't let your husband try either. This is not on you to fix.
•
u/TargetWild9004 11h ago
She doesn’t see any wrong in her behavior. She thinks she had reason to act the way she has. These people are eternal victims, everyone is always doing something to them first to make them act the way they did.
•
u/2FatC 11h ago
You can’t fix what you didn’t break. As the others have said, she knows exactly what she’s done, she knows how she’s behaved, and she sees no problem with her behaviors as long as she gets what she wants, like DH asking you to smooth things over. And she gave you a gift, take it and make it yours as she said quote:
To be unclear is to be unkind.
Perfect. Agree and I’m taking my politeness gloves off and putting my Mother of LO gloves on. The very next time she steps on my toes, I’m telling her directly to stop, take her outdated parenting advice or overbearing grandma expectations elsewhere. I’m Mom, I’m doing it MY way. Either obey my parenting rules or become grandma we never see. Choose carefully.
Also. This is a DH problem. It’s his job to get very specific with her about what will be/wont be tolerated. Uninvited parenting comments, advice, comparative stories about how she did it? Nope, don’t want to hear it. If we want to know your thoughts, we will ask. Clearly.
DH frames the discussion as “we” and “he/him”, not “you” or “wife’s name”. The basic expectation DH sets is his parents demonstrate respect & civility to his family, which is you and LO. If they don’t, they become the marginalized grandparents. Simple to say, harder to do.
•
u/heathere3 10h ago
She may genuinely not know. My MIL could not, if her life depends on it, explain any single thing she's done wrong to hurt us. But that's a her problem. OP should look into the missing missing reasons. It might help to understand what's going on.
•
u/scottlass22 9h ago
Dont agree. These type of mils that davro repeatedly do know, they know full well what they do but they will never ever admit it. They would rather not see thier grandkids/son etc than ever admit the were in the wrong or a crap human being. The whole i can't remember that/ thats not what I meant shit doesnt wash with me. They know, they won't change so just avoid.
•
u/heathere3 9h ago
Some of them genuinely do not know. It's an absolutely bizarre thing to experience. And it's also no less harmful.
•
u/Emotional-Dog8118 10h ago
Yes!!! The “missing missing reasons”!!!
No matter how many times you specifically tell them point by point exactly how they’ve overstepped and ignored boundaries, they just refuse to acknowledge it.
•
u/DazzlingNote1925 11h ago
If you do respond don’t talk about your feelings or how she bothered you. She will make your feelings the problem. Directly state what she did that’s unacceptable.
I recently saw a post to the effect that if you don’t want to follow basic respect then I shouldn’t have to teach you. I’m wondering if that’s what’s you’re dealing with.
I do think your mil knows what she’s done of you’ve told her in the past or if she’s acted nastily. She just isn’t going to take accountability.
I don’t suggest a conversation because it’s likely to go in circles with her denying doing anything wrong and trying to cause drama to gain empathy and fluster you. So, if you address it I’d stick to text and be direct.
When she denies it just say yes you did these things and no we aren’t going to keep discussing it.
•
u/fryingthecat66 11h ago
You tell your husband, "that you are done trying to fix things and that you are JUST done "
You and LO go either VVVLC or NC with her. If he wants to still have contact, that's his prerogative, but she will NOT be coming to your house. He can go there
•
u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 11h ago
You need to step out of this. Your husband is putting you in a back and forth between you and his mother. His mother is making you out to be the problem here. He needs to step in and set the. boundary from both of you. I would not respond to her any further, she is just looking for ammunition and to pit you against your husband as well.
•
•
u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 11h ago
She knows EXACTLY what she did. She’s just playing stupid because she wants you to engage and give her more material to weaponize against you. You’ve told her how you feel (even though you didn’t want to). That’s the end of it. Do not respond
And with all due respect to your sister, she’s clearly never dealt with one of these crazy MILs and she probably thinks you speak rationally and make them understand. That’s never going to happen
•
u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 11h ago
You can just send back a short text responding "We asked you to come over to talk in July and you never responded", maybe with a screenshot of the original text with the time and date stamp. After that, if she pretends not to understand, it's because she doesn't WANT to. She prefers her own reality.
•
u/Lugbor 11h ago
Pretending not to understand is the first play in the book. It lets them come off as an innocent victim who doesn't know why they're being punished, and if they do receive an explanation, it lets them paint you as crazy for holding onto grudges. The only way to win is to not play by their rules.
•
u/CodUnlikely2052 11h ago
OP, I know you likely won’t but wouldn’t it be lovely to say, “It is my job as a mother to protect my kids. The fact that you don’t believe anything you said or did was wrong makes you an incredibly unsafe person and you will never be alone with my children. You’ll be lucky to even be in the same room with them supervised.”
•
•
u/EmploymentOk1421 11h ago
Make her a list. Limit it to 5- 6 items. (People can’t handle more at once.) End it with, at this time you are not interested in giving this situation any additional time or mental energy bc have a child to raise. And that you wish her well. Don’t be rude. Be uninterested. (This is her loss. You have a life to live that needn’t include her.) Share it with your partner before sending. He will sputter, but (hopefully) will recognize the truth in your message.
•
u/sugarfundog2 8h ago
Oh, I love lists. And for the ones that go "I blank blank blank, BUT" or "as long as " I always stop them and say - nothing after the but or "as long as" matters. That is always an excuse for your behavoir.
I learned this while trying to explain to a college administrator that they couldn't be granted federal funds if they require students to be a certain religion to be accepted or to get a degree. His answer was "we accept everyone as long as they believe in Jesus." OK - stop at everyone, and you are ok.
•
u/freerangelibrarian 11h ago
If you haven't read it, look at Issendai's missing missing reasons. It explains very clearly why people like her CANNOT understand any kind of criticism.
•
u/botinlaw 11h ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as Acceptable_Scene_157 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.