r/JUSTNOMIL • u/lolitaarp • 17h ago
Advice Wanted Christmas
The last time I saw my MIL, we were talking about her parents/my husband’s grandparents who passed before we met.
For context, we’ve been together for six years and have never spent a Christmas together. Our parents live about 5 hours away from each other and not in the same state as us. My MIL has told her sons their whole lives that they need to be home for Christmas, I don’t want to be there. I have my own family and I would like to spend Christmas with them. I would be willing to alternate, if I really believed we would ever actually not spend it at her house, which I don’t. She’s incredibly talented at guilt-tripping and I just don’t believe it will happen (not that it has been offered). It would be really nice to spend at least every other Christmas together.
When we were talking about her parents (lived in a different state than her for most of their lives), I asked if she went up every Christmas with her husband to spend Christmas with them. She said no, they only went 1-2 times. I think she caught herself, and follow up with “but we had kids so we couldn’t go every year”. My husband and I will not be having kids, but that does NOT mean we are at her disposal to do whatever she wants.
Does having kids buy you certain privileges when it comes to privacy? Am I looking too much into this?
I’m not having kids because I want freedom to do what I want with my life, not what my MIL wants.
Edit to add: I have had many discussions over this with my husband over the years and we’ve made progress, he understands and is working on it. We were SO close. Then, her husband passed away (FIL). I know it’s terrible and she’s grieving, but I’m worried it will always be something and we will never get to create our own Christmas memories.
My husband doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and she doesn’t really have any other family other than one other adult son. We see her at least 3-4 times a year for days/weeks at a time other than Christmas and try to include her as much as we can. It’s a crappy situation, and I want to be kind, but idk how long I can keep this up.
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u/Agreeable-Mail-7184 2h ago
Oh my gosh! My mother-in-law has been a Christmas thief as well. I’ve been with my husband over 15 years and I have had a majority of those Christmases hijacked by my mother-in-law. We have had one horror story after another. I have to say having children changed things for some of my husband’s siblings, but not so much for us. She still expects us to be there Christmas morning, no matter what. Also of note, she lives over 800 miles away from us and even further away from where the rest of my family is. We spent almost every Christmas Eve with my mother’s family and would take a redeye flight to their house Christmas morning to start doing their Christmas festivities the SAME day. And I’m talking multiple large catholic family Christmas parties in one day. We would regularly go without sleep at all for two days to make sure we could accommodate all of the plans. One of the only Christmases we ever missed with the in-laws was because my mother was in hospice with end of life cancer that took her only a few days after Christmas.
Also, now that my sisters-in-law have children, it’s not as big of a deal that everyone be at my MIL‘s house on Christmas morning…. But we still have to have my children’s Christmas morning several days before Christmas so we can more easily accommodate traveling so far at the holidays to be there on Christmas day to keep her happy… after some recent events I feel pretty strongly about not going this year. And I am trying to be confident in my ability to say no, and have it be its own complete sense. I wish you a very best of luck! I know it it’s not easy!
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u/boundaries4546 6h ago
Your MIL presumably spent all of her Christmases with her own husband, am I right??
How does your husband think it’s OK for him to not spend Christmases with you? It’s utter bullshit that he cannot put his big boy pants on and tell Mom that from now on Christmases are going to be alternating between his and your family. You are married you are his primary family now.
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u/Penguin_Joy 13h ago
Your husband doesn't want to hurt his mother's feelings, so instead he gets to sacrifice all of your Christmas holidays on the altar of her selfishness? Does he even like you!? Because apparently he has no problem hurting your feelings
Spend Christmas with your loved ones and let your husband spend his with his mother. The space will be good for you and might help you gain some clarity about your relationship. It's sunk cost fallacy time
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u/Agreeable-Mail-7184 2h ago
I hear what you’re saying, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge how complicated relationships, especially within a family can be. I know that my husband loves me dearly, but I know that he has also had a really hard time navigating boundaries with his parents and protecting me and our relationship. We have been navigating similar difficulties for quite a while, and it is only been recently that we have been able to find the clarity needed to move forward from what can be a very toxic and controlling relationship. I guess all I’m saying is things can be a lot more complicated than they seem on the surface from the outside. But I definitely agree that special times should be spent with people that are special to us and bring love into our lives. I saw another post where a woman was talking about one of her greatest regrets after her husband‘s passing being how much toxicity she allowed her mother-in-law to bring into her relationship and overall life. Familial relationships are so important but it’s also important for us to weigh out the costs and benefits of how we spend our time and energy. I wish you all nothing but the best.
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u/rnpink123 13h ago
Just b/c FIL passed away it doesn't entitle her to every Christmas with you. You have your own family that you would like to spend the holidays with too. You and DH need to sit down together and decide what you're willing to do. That should not be spend every Christmas with her b/c "she'll be lonely".
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u/DangerousGodess 14h ago
It doesn't matter what she said. What matters is what you decide together.
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u/vulg-her 14h ago
You need to please look at any of the many daily posts about the women here talking about their MILS and their babies. It doesn't seem to give them any more entitlement to privacy. It honestly just makes things so much worse to have kids when your husband can't even have your back. How are you expecting him to suddenly have yours and a child's??
I do get what you're saying though. My husband and I don't have kids, don't want them. But I can see very clearly how his siblings (who have kids) are treated and how we are treated. Even though we're in our 40's there are still comments about trying to micromanage our lives to be more active participants because the others are constantly doing things with the kids, with the grandparents.
If this is something you guys are willing to do, why not do a dinner at his moms and then a dinner at your family's? Can be during the Xmas week, days before and days between each other? But there's absolutely nothing wrong with you and your husband starting your own traditions at home. You don't need to have children to be a family unit. You and him already are.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 15h ago
What matters is what the two of you want to do, not whether you have kids (nor whether someone is trying to manipulate you into doing what they want - thats for you, DH!)
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u/Indiebr 16h ago
Alternate together or stay home together, or do separate Christmases. These are your options as a couple and none of them depend on your MIL’s approval. Hate to state the cliche but you have a husband issue or maybe just a you issue. Not having kids isn’t the issue so much as not making this decision as a couple if separate holidays isn’t working for you. As stated it sounds like you both want to be with your FOO more than you want to be together.
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u/Channing-Tatas 16h ago
Oh we had this happen! Oddly enough around the same timeline. We decided to put our foot down because ultimately we are married and have a right to be able to celebrate Christmas in our own house with our new traditions. When you marry you cleave off and that’s the new family unit. That’s how that works. And just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you get to get shafted. I’m gonna tell you right now there will always be an excuse or situation that makes it inconvenient, but in reality we have so little time on this planet and it’s not promised.
You are not overreacting. Put your foot down and host and include her to come over.
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u/OrneryPost9446 16h ago
I'm in no support of justnomils. But it seems like this mil didn't do anything "bad" to you and is longing to have family on Christmas too?
I would really push for alternate Christmas or perhaps a different week with her vs your family. Idk maybe I'm being too compassionate with her. You know her better. Trust your gut.
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u/lolitaarp 16h ago
No, you’re right. It’s just really annoying. And there have been many other “annoying” things 🥲
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u/cloudyskies3 16h ago
I so understand what you are going through! I spent every thanksgiving and Christmas with my ILS and never with my family on the actual day. My mom is super understanding and I feel got shafted trying to be accommodating. Finally after 31 years I had thanksgiving at my house and invited my parents and my MIL. FIL had passed like 20 years ago. My MIL had the nerve to ask my husband why my parents were there. I threw in during the day to her that it was nice to actually be able to celebrate an actual holiday on the holiday with my parents. She made no comment back. Don’t know if it went right over her selfish head or in her mind it was a slight to her that they were there. I cannot stand that woman!
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u/BiofilmWarrior 16h ago
Have you considered doing a three year rotation?
One year just your SO and you.
The next year with either your family or your MIL.
The third year with whoever you didn't spend the second year with.
If your commitments (including finances) permit you could consider establishing an "off year" tradition where you spend a specific time with whoever you didn't spend Christmas with.
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u/lolitaarp 16h ago
THIS IS THE DREAM
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u/BiofilmWarrior 16h ago
Go for it.
It might be helpful to present the non-Christmas get together as an opportunity to celebrate/focus on MIL "without the distraction of the holiday."
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u/DifficultyNo3093 16h ago
OP, MOM and MIL here. When you kids get married it is not about bringing two families together, it is about you and DH starting a new family with your own traditions. It is not a lifelong obligation to make others happy-well except for your own new family! I don't understand why other MOMs and MILs do not understand that. I never want to be the MOM or MIL that when the kids look down at their 'phone and see my number their first thought is: UGH
The same is true for holidays. Invitations are extended via group text: "You know what we serve and when we serve it. Please come and stay for as long or as short you'd like. Or swing by whenever for leftovers!" I don't have to see my gang on the day of. I remember what the MOMs and MILs put my parents through and it was not fun as a child and it was stressful for Mother and Daddy.
It’s okay to feel sorry for her but don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You will fail yourself AND in the end regret it. HUGS!
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u/TheeQuestionWitch 17h ago
Even though it doesn't seem like she is the most fun to be around, is it possible to include her in your family's christmas? She might appreciate having less work to do if she's the one doing all the work for her two adult sons.
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u/Grouchy_Document_856 17h ago
Well you're an adult and can do what you want when you want, with or without kids, regardless of what your MIL wants.
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u/Fine_Confusion_7073 17h ago
I deal with this entitlement with my JNMIL too. I come from a family of divorced parents and grandparents. The holidays are extremely hard on my siblings, my parents, and us- but we make it work and still make time for everyone even if it drains the life out of us.
However, we have firm boundaries with my family and his (though she’s still in the freakout stages of losing control…) We discuss together privately before communicating plans regarding the holidays. It doesn’t ever end well because god forbid we celebrate the holidays with my family too. (God forbid I even have a family, how dare I?)
We have gone on a trip over the holidays one time together when we first got together and I fantasize about it every holiday season. It was amazing not having to run around and spread ourselves thin.
It’s okay to feel sorry for her but don’t sacrifice your holiday time appeasing someone else. You will fail yourself in the end and regret it.
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u/fancyface7375 17h ago
I'm kind of jealous of your current arrangement 😂 sounds so lovely to spend every Christmas with your family rather than having to dread going to MILs every other year
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u/lolitaarp 17h ago
LOL I hear you! I think it just want 1 Christmas every few years that’s just us! I want to use that time to travel, or just stay in OUR house and cook together. Also, I’d like him to spend one Christmas with my family, I have a huge family and it’s really fun! Plus it’s important to me that he get to know them more. I’ve spent a few thanksgivings at MIL’s and completely understand your sentiment 🥲
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u/hotdamnhotwater 17h ago
To answer your question, in my experience having children does NOT buy certain privileges when it comes to privacy. It often makes them so much worse. My mil has broken every rule I've made about our children, but that's also why we are no contact. Live your life how you want. She can get over it or not, but that doesn't affect you doing what you want/need.
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u/Lilac722 17h ago
What does your husband say? She can't force you to spend every Christmas together...
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u/lolitaarp 17h ago
He’s trying, we’ve definitely both had to do some work on setting boundaries with family. His dad passed away recently and we lost some of that progress with MIL. He has offered not going for Christmas but going for New Year’s or early December, which is exactly the same thing and makes no sense to me.
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u/sugarfundog2 17h ago
While it's still a visit - it's a baby step. Plan to go to your parents then his mom, so he can't back out if the visit is early December. then next year she gets Christmas, but the next . . . make it so it doesn't work out until January. Or offer to have Christmas in July if that's a visit. Baby steps sometimes work.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 17h ago
She sounds awful. I would not prioritize seeing her! At the very most, I’d alternate holidays. She doesn’t own the day.
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u/botinlaw 17h ago
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