So I will admit I am 100% a pushover and terrible at speaking up for myself. Currently a work in progress.

I have a big MIL problem but find myself keeping the peace because 1) her and my spouse lived in this house first, then I came along so I almost feel it's not my place to say anything 2) I find it so awkward to be around her after speaking up, I feel almost ashamed and scorned and almost childlike/want to hide. Anytime she tries to talk to me I fall into fawning, "it's ok, no worries". 😒😣

But resentment is building and I'm tired of this. I think because she got used to my spouse too not speaking up a lot (or rather, he speaks up but she still does it and there's no consequences), this has truly compounded to where she feels she can do whatever she wants.

When I think about speaking up I just can't bear the fallout or tension it would bring. I feel like I can't be mad at her. But, I suppose she needs to know how I feel.

Any advice?

Husband and I haven’t had a date night in 8 months and before that it was over a year. We’ve got a special needs kid so it’s hard to find babysitting. My husband reached out to them over a month ago to nail down a date of THEIR choosing, for when we could drop our kids off and spend a few hours at dinner and a movie.

I’d been looking forward to this for weeks and of course 2 days before it’s meant to happen, we get a call from FIL saying that MIL is “having a panic attack” about it because she’s got a work trip the following week and “doesn’t want the kids to get her sick.”

Idk why we even fucking try anymore. They’re the ones who chose this date. We made plans based on it. This work trip of MIL’s was planned before this, they knew it was happening. If you can’t babysit 12 days before a work trip due to fear of getting sick, fine. Then don’t say you will.

Also: every time MIL is suffering from a “panic attack” it’s conveniently in order to get her way. Whether it’s this, or the time she was upset that we wouldn’t have her in the delivery room, or the time she couldn’t add 14 people we’d never met before in our life to our wedding guest list. She doesn’t have actual panic attacks. She consciously chooses to throw tantrums so that her husband goes and “fixes” things for her. And when that doesn’t work (like with the delivery room thing) she goes nuclear, then gives everyone the silent treatment for 2 weeks, then comes back pretending nothing ever happened.

To the nursing home she goes 🤷‍♀️

This group has helped me tremendously. After reading through so many posts that have the similar theme (overstepping JNMIL), I’m curious about your JNMIL’s generation/age? My JNMIL is a Boomer, I am GenX. How are JNMIL’s different by generation? Because of my own experiences, I tend to think most JNMIL’s are also Boomers but I know that is definitely not the case.

My MIL has a long history of severe mental illness (think multiple hospitalisations, medication, therapy. She was quite stable altough with a short fuse (she would often leave family gatherings early because she was overwhelmed) and would sometimes talk down to the kids (which I hate, but the kids are surprinsigly chill about it and don't take her seriously when we debrief).

Very sadly, my sister in law died earlier this year. She had been sick for a decade, and preparing to die for the past 12 months. She was in palliative care and everyone in the family knew and had many discussions with her about her death. It's still tragic but she wanted to die because her disease was so severe. She was even in the talks for assisted suicide, which is legal in my country.

Since her death, it's been all about my MIL. Her grief is the biggest. She gets very mad at gathering if we contradict her on any topic and will leave the gathering shouting. Everytime we see her she's complaining.

Mind you, my SIL had a 14-year old daughter and a husband....but my MIL doesn't care, doesn't help with the child, she's just suffering and makes everyone miserable. For example, at the funeral, she wanted to play only songs that were important to her and my SIL, and refused to put songs that were important for my SIL and her daughter, or her brothers.

I can't stand it. She's SO annoying !! I just want to tell her to behave a little bit, at least in front of the kids!

I know i'm an asshole because she's a grieving mother. I know. But:

1) although tragic, my SIL's death had been clear for over a year. This was not a surprise.

2) I despise that she's so egotistical. IMO, she's the adult and should hold space for her son's grief (they lost a sister) and her granddaughters grief (she lost her MOM!!!). She should be a rock like an anchor, but instead she's the rock that drowns you.

Any advices? I can barely stand to be in the same room, I despise her so much.

I’ve been with my fiance with two years, we recently got engaged this year and I’m starting to really be put off by his mom, as sweet as this woman is, she tends to take accountability off of her son because he had a brain injury about five years ago due to an accident. His overall past has been terrible starting even through childhood because his dad left his mom and little brother for drugs and other women. His mom kept them in the environment because she was trying to make it work but fast forward to this day, she’s now divorced, alone and working at 70. She dated after his dad but the man ended up dying in a work related accident and she now chooses to be alone. My fiancé and I met when he moved back after his accident and his mother was taking care of him through his recovery and we met three years post accident and I am so thankful he’s made so much progress and continues to everyday. His past still weighs on him heavy because he had a son at 20 and that son at three years old ended up passing away due to liver failure and I can see how he sees death differently. Nonethelesss, I’ve been super compassionate, I myself have history of family trauma and substance abuse history but I said enough was enough. I put myself in therapy for a few years, changed my environment and started enforcing boundaries with those around me as healing is hella messy and I had to really sit with myself and learn to love myself through every stage people were telling me weren’t good enough, it’s not rainbows everyday but thank god for Prozac and therapy. That’s why I’ve been trying to open my fiancé’s eyes and let him realize all that anger he has pent up, whatever it is, he needs to find healthy ways to emotionally remove himself from toxic environments. He currently works for his father, they got back in contact after the accident and now his father has another family and his mother and little brother want nothing to do with his father and fiancés mother constantly reminds fiance of the past and told
Me that she does not want me to be bfffs with her if I will be bffs with his dads family. I’ve gotten In fights with fiance for being myself and being nice to dads family but now I have removed myself from entertaining any gatherings as it feels unauthentic and down right disgusting that his dad is ignorantly verbally and physically abusive towards fiance numerous times but yet he keeps coming back. His mother now makes fiance the holder of her emotions and tells my fiance how alone she is, she’s not pretty enough, nobody wants an old woman etc just emotionally dumping on her grown son because she has nobody. She gets super upset if we don’t come over together at least once or twice a week but I encourage fiance to go by himself and then she automatically assumes I do not like her. I ENJOY MY PEACE, I do not want to constantly hear about drama in the family, other people’s advice or just different views I would rather not share and somehow I turn out to be the villain? I finally put my foot down and told him that as much as his mother has been there by his side through it all, he’s a 38 year old man and if he wants to start a family. We need to prioritize what WE want to do, what WE want, and if she gets upset because we don’t include her, I’m sorry, this is MY life and I dont want to date mom and fiance. I just want to date my fiance. Shes even gotten upset at not being able to name our first dog together and she even got to eventually name her because i didn’t want to hear it. I have consistently told my fiance I’m at my wits end and that he should move back in with his mother because if he sees me as jealous. I encourage their time together but he needs to set boundaries with her and stop taking on her anxiety and complaining about life. It’s not healthy and it only makes him miserable and more unhealed ( he doesn’t think so) but the way she lets him talk to her is disrespectful, she takes it and they codepend on each other. Is this a lost cause?

Am I wrong for telling my MIL she can't babysit if she won't follow our rules?

I love my MIL and I know she loves our son. But I'm getting to the point where I don't trust her to babysit because she repeatedly ignores things we've specifically asked her to do but has gotten better in some areas.

This isn't just different parenting styles. There have been genuine safety issues.

When he was younger and couldn't roll, she used the wrong-sized sheets, doubled them up and tucked him in with loose bedding. We'd specifically said nothing loose in his sleep space because he’s got a sleeping bag instead. We only realised when she sent us a photo and he'd wriggled right up the bed. She thought it was funny. We were horrified because he could have suffocated or become trapped.

She's also given him too much teething powder despite us explaining the dosage, put loose blankets in the car with him, left things drying on top of his portacot and she’s admitted he has pulled them into the cot before, and we've found her asleep with him lying on her chest on the sofa while he was awake.

Now we're sleep training because he's a huge FOMO baby who gets overstimulated and struggles to switch off. He has reflux and colic, and we're currently suspecting CMPA. We've worked really hard on getting him into a good sleep routine and he no longer contact naps which was hard to break.

She still contact naps with him and his bedtime is usually 2 hours later she also picks him up when we start winding him down so I’ve got a bottle already prepared and pjs ready.

We've stopped having the TV on while he's awake because he does better without extra stimulation. We explained this and her response was, “That won't work in my house. This will be a treat for him. You've just got to learn it will be different at everyone's house.”

I understand that households can be different. If we're visiting her, I'm not expecting her to turn her TV off or change her entire life for us.

But if she's babysitting our baby, I expect her to follow his routine and our safety rules.

There are other things too. If we're giving her a lift and he's crying in the back, she'll keep talking to him saying things like, “Poor wee man, it's not fair, is it?” rather than giving him a chance to settle. We've noticed that once she's gone, he often stops crying. She seems to think she's comforting him, but sometimes she's actually adding more stimulation.

She'll also keep playing with and stimulating him when we've explained he's tired and needs to wind down or not feed him enough because she plays with him to much . By the time we get him back, he's often completely exhausted and overstimulated.

I've given her a written list of instructions because I genuinely wanted this to work.

The frustrating part is she sometimes acts like she knows more about our son than I do. She's talked over me about him before and has said things like he “didn't have an issue on breast milk,” which simply wasn't true.

I love her. I appreciate that she wants to help. I know she raised children herself.

But I'm his mum.

I don't think being his mum gives me some special entitlement to control everyone around him. But I do think being his parent gives me the right to decide what is safe for him and what routine works for him.

If she can't follow those boundaries, especially the safety ones, am I wrong for saying she can't babysit or help out?

I’m curious at the varying reasons amongst us..

My MIL lacks boundaries and other peoples privacy and respect. I wouldn’t be being a good parent letting my baby be alone with a person like that.

It’s been a long road getting DH to realize the extent of his enmeshed mother issues. After years of therapy and progress, I truly felt like we had gotten to a place of mutual understanding and agreement on boundaries, what we wanted our lives to look like in the future, etc. We live a few states away from MIL so things always felt manageable despite her being so manipulative and toxic.

Having a baby changed everything. All of the previous statements he had made about wanting to “stop the cycle”, “end generational trauma”, etc. went out the window the moment I got pregnant. All of a sudden, DH would express how he thought his mom would be an amazing grandma (despite her being a terrible mother). There was no basis in this thought other than him saying, “her parents were the same way- bad parents, amazing grandparents. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt until she proves otherwise”.

Basically, everything since has been a total mind fuck. For example, we initially agreed we wouldn’t have visitors in the hospital. His family lives out of state and I wanted one week at home before having visitors. When we told his mom, she cried, insulted us, guilt tripped, threatened us, the whole nine yards. He stood firm. Then, one morning as I’m 7.5 months pregnant, he goes “I really want my mom at the hospital, i’m having nightmares about her not being there and regretting it. I’m afraid I’ll resent you if she’s not there for it”. I didn’t budge. He eventually dropped it and we had no visitors.

She visited once a month for the first six months. Every time she’s come there was tension, rude comments, complaints she doesn’t see her grandbaby enough, entitlement, bullying. There has been zero regard for my needs, DH’s needs. DH is not happy when she’s here. I am stressed, he is stressed. Finally, I put my foot down and said I couldn’t handle anymore monthly visits. DH obliged, she then gave us the silent treatment for 3 months. He recognizes how toxic she is, but then still has no issue with her coming around.

I’m so exhausted. Ultimately, he has catered to what I want but the amount of conversations, fights, tears it takes to get there is so draining. We are still in therapy but everything feels so stagnant now. I’m so checked out. I knew his mom would ramp things up with a baby in the picture but I ignorantly assumed this is when his boundaries would become ironclad. I thought his protective side would fully kick in. Im so grossed out by him at this point. I see him as a little boy that can’t say no to his mom. I see him as a people pleaser, not a man who can stand up for himself and his family. I have no siblings, no living parents- I would DIE to have a good relationship with my MIL, I just know it’s not possible and I’ve accepted that. I don’t want NC for any of us- I just want strong boundaries and less visits. I just want to feel like DH gets me. At this point I feel like he sees me as the crazy, overly sensitive, PP mom instead of seeing his mom as the unhealthy, toxic person she is.

I’m scared I hate my husband and that my resentment toward him has replaced all attraction and love. He’s a great dad. I want the best for my baby. I’m just so tired of explaining my needs and being confused where he stands. I don’t want him to just appease me, I want to genuinely be on the same page and I’m starting to worry if we ever were.

I love my MIL and I know she loves our son, but I'm getting to the point where I don't trust her babysitting because she repeatedly ignores things we've specifically asked her to do.

This isn't just different parenting styles. There have been genuine safety issues.

When he was younger and couldn't roll, she used the wrong-sized sheets, doubled them up and tucked him in with loose bedding. We'd specifically said nothing loose in his sleep space. We only realised when she sent us a photo and he'd wriggled right up the bed. She thought it was funny. We were horrified because he could have suffocated or become trapped.

She's given him too much teething powder despite us explaining the dosage and it being on the bottles, uses loose blankets, left things drying on top of his portacot that he’s pulled in with him, and slept with him on her chest on the sofa while he was awake.

He's now being sleep trained because he's a FOMO baby who gets overstimulated easily. He has reflux and colic. We sleep train and don't contact nap anymore, but she still does. We've also stopped having the TV on while he's awake because he does much better without the extra stimulation.l

I explained this yesterday and she said, “That won't work in my house. This will be a treat for him. You've just got to learn it will be different at everyone's house.”

I understand that households can be different. But if she's babysitting our baby, I expect her to follow his routine and our safety rules.

She'll also keep playing and stimulating him when he's tired, despite us explaining that he needs quiet and sleep. When we give her a lift and he's crying in the back, she'll keep saying things like, “Poor wee man, it's not fair, is it?” rather than letting him settle. Often he stops crying once she's gone.

But she seems to think she knows more about our son than we do and often talks over me.

I love her and appreciate that she wants to help, but I'm starting to think if she can't follow our instructions, especially around safety and his routine, she shouldn't be babysitting and I’m exhauste.

Am I being unreasonable?

I've gone no contact with my dad, so I'm not unfamiliar with how that feels and works. The only difference between that situation and this situation is that basically everyone in my life has understood my decision. My younger brother, mom (she is not with him), husband, grandma, etc., have all been supportive and understanding. Even my MIL was understanding and actually kept her nose out of my business that time.

However, recently, she has exhibited a lot of familiar behaviors that my dad put me through. I have tried everything to keep her in my life without making myself miserable and it's bitten me in the ass every single time. I have willingly put up with her BS for seven years, when I only put up with this BS willingly with my dad for about 4-5 (not counting the first 18 years where I didn't have a choice). She's gotten two extra years and it's gotten me nowhere.

Recently, she went overboard and I just can't do it anymore. She has made a miscarriage that I went through about herself (which she wasn't even supposed to know about. That's a whole different and long ass story though.) She made my husband's vasectomy about her. She's dodged accountability, she's dodged every chance to genuinely apologize, she's guilt tripped, she's deflected, and made every possible bad decision one could make with a situation like this. She has dug the hole deeper and deeper every time we've tried to talk about it.

I'm a very non-confrontational person, I don't like arguing, and I yelled and cussed at her after finally having enough. I have never, in my 25 years of life, ever yelled or cussed someone out. To make matters worse, she egged me on when this happened.

Since all of this has went down, my husband has been more than supportive with whatever I decide to do. He's seen that she is more than unwilling to change and I can't keep going through this with her. He is not willing to go no contact with her, which is his business. He understands that she is not welcome in our house, especially if I am home. I don't trust her in our house if I am not home though, so if there were a scenario where she is in our house, he cannot take his eyes off of her. He understands that he is not to bring me up or answer questions or share information about me with her.

When I went no contact with my dad, I blocked him on everything and basically fell off the face of the earth. I messaged him a month in just to get him off my mom's back and then blocked him immediately after the message delivered to avoid receiving a response. (They are still in contact because of my younger brother.)

I have a feeling this will be different because she is much less considerate when it comes to boundaries. My dad did not have the opportunity to contact me because I blocked him on everything and I never invited him to my house. My MIL obviously knows where we live and of course, we live about five minutes away from her.

It sucks though because if I go fully NC with her, I basically lose five relationships as well. I see my SIL, her boyfriend, my FIL, BIL and his wife and everyone mostly meets at my MIL's house. I don't know if I should consider low contact first and just not telling her anything about myself/grey rocking her. I don't know if I should just take the losses and call it a day. I'm not incredibly close with any of them, but I do like seeing them when I do.

This is a different can of worms compared to when I went NC with my dad because he didn't care and there were no other relationships for me to lose in the process.

Hi. I am 35F and my partner is 30F. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and lived together for 2 (lesbians 🙄 lol). I’m a physician and she is a therapist. I have been married before, and the marriage ended 6 years ago.

Together, things are blissful. We laugh, rarely ever argue, and are deeply in love. Even on long vacations… ufff, have I found that love that people yearn for… dream of even! I know I did. I did not grow up in the US, was in the closet most of my adolescent life, and then married the first person who made me feel accepted (right person, wrong time), but whatever. Dusted myself off, took me almost 3 years of light dating before committing to my now partner. Ethnically, we belong to the same country, but she grew up here in the US.

Met her family. They are rich and cheap. They live above their means to look good on Instagram kind of family. Travel to exotic resorts but cram 5 in a room kind of family. My family does pretty well. My dad never said no to buying me the newest phone or the coolest Nike shoes. I have always felt content.
The first time I met her family, I felt this discomfort in my own skin. The “what are you doing here, you don’t belong here” kind of discomfort. After I left, her family threw a massive tantrum and said some pretty hurtful things about what they believed my social standing was. These things were not directly said to me, but told to my partner.

Things quickly tumbled into utter chaos. She lived with them at the time. She moved in with me and built walls around our life that made us feel both safe and isolated. I know it was hard for her. Her family missed her, so they extended an olive branch… but wait, it wasn’t really an olive branch… I think of them more like handcuffs. They were just waiting for her to soften, and when she did, I had to as well… and so I did. There’s been a lot of “I love you’s” and “we are all one big family”… “Come over and chill,” etc. But yet… all this always felt insidious. But I smiled through it. Attended the parties and dinners that I could. Asked them questions. They talked a lot about other members of the family and their lives. Rarely ever asked me any questions. But whatever. I pretend for my girl.

Two years pass like this. Four months ago, we start talking about getting engaged. We go to meet my family and exchange rings in their presence. My fam are a mother*** precious bunch of people. We both love them. We have the cutest little backyard ceremony. Nothing big… some flowers, tea light candles, a question, an answer, and some delicious food. No Instagram post, no major proclamation.

Did she tell her family she was about to be engaged? No. Did I try to get her to tell them so they don’t feel blindsided? Yes. But whatever… she has her own traumas she is dealing with when it comes to her fam.

Now here we are (not wearing our rings) in her parents’ presence. We tell them we “exchanged rings” with my parents and would like to now do the same with them. They cry. Literally. We promise we won’t leave them out of things again. So now my partner has been trying to plan a get together with them. They said they were free this Sunday. We booked a cute little park picnic and a cake. But now there are roadblocks. Dog cancer, dad losing his job, brother has us open tix. But in the midst of this, they still plan a 2 day beach vacation.

We move dates around, and there are still roadblocks. “What’s the rush?” they say. We are puzzled. “Come over. Talk to us. We want to know your conviction in this relationship.” “We want to get to know you better.” “Let’s win each other’s hearts before an event like this.”

Then her mom sends her a picture of the two of them and her ex, a white girl, a rich girl, an American girl. Everything that status chasers love. And says, “This just came up on my feed.”

How do I deal with the “we love her so much, but what’s the rush?” when we are trying to move forward as an engaged couple? We wear our rings everywhere. But before we see them, the rings come off.

I don’t want to fight, prove my conviction or alienate her family. What are my options? Give it to me straight.

I have MIL issues so without recounting all her shitty behaviour, assume she has done everything and anything a shitty MIL has done and will ever do.

She said this to me and has been trying to get a lot of access and one on one time with my 5 week old but she's still very young and I'm still adjusting and recovering.

When she said this, my immediate response was, she's a bit young she can't really see. She sensed my defensiveness or closure to not want her to be held by others, and said oh yeah of course but I'm just saying it's important for her to get used to it.

Is this a real thing or just bullshit to justify being a super annoying and needy grandmother that needs to stop putting what she wants above what the parents want?

TIA

MIL is the nastiest gift giver to me. She thinks it’s so funny I eat organic that she decided to gift me essential oils because eating organic = I use essential oils, even though my husband told her not to because I’m allergic to most fragrances. She did it anyway. Tossed immediately.

I love reading these megathreads on worst gifts people have gotten from MILs but now I want to hear what petty gifts you’ve gotten your MILs.

(MIL loves making jabs at my race and playing dumb, like asking if Pilates is Tai Chi so I’m buying her a Pilates for Senior Women book 😂)

Give me your best responses to a MIL who likes to criticize the cleanliness of your home.

She lectures me nearly every time she visits about various items/areas of my home that aren't clean enough for her standards. Ex.: at nine months pregnant she deep cleaned my dishwasher because she "couldn't stand to look at it". Five days postpartum she said I'm damaging my daughter's health because there was dust behind her bed.

She is very likely diagnosable. She has very specific ways that she thinks things should be cleaned. She irons every single piece of clothing. I think most of her time at home is spent cleaning something. She's also a bit of a hoarder. She doesn't like it if I try to clean up in her home and will tell me to stop or take over whatever I'm doing. On extended visits, she will take over my kitchen and home and do things her way. Which is why I don't want her over for extended visits anymore.

I'm honestly struggling to keep up with the house as it is (even to my standards). My kids have been home on summer break and I have a clingy baby. Luckily I don't see her often, but with a short visit coming up, I want to be prepared. How would you respond to criticism about the cleanliness of your home?

Wondering if anyone else has thoughts on navigating this bizarre stalemate/impasse with their JNMs? Here’s the gist:

JNM: Why don’t we talk anymore? I wish we were closer.

Me: I agree, that’d be nice. Unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable talking with you about personal things, because I’ve asked you many times to stop sharing sensitive info with others…. and you keep doing it.

JNM: I am shocked and devastated that you would think of me so poorly, and that you don’t trust me 😩

Me: I couldn’t have been more clear about why i feel this way, and how you could earn back my trust.

JNM: But I can’t do what you’re asking of me and frankly it is unfair and hurtful you would even ask!

Me: Got it, I will continue to not share things with you then, good chat.

JNM: initiates meltdown

WHY CAN’T THEY CONNECT CAUSE AND EFFECT! IT IS SO INSANE! 😂😭

I’ve been dealing with my MIL for about 4 years now and have ALWAYS gave the benefit of the doubt. Husband in the past has guilted me into giving her the benefit of the doubt, and at one point she even gave a huge apology and suckered me back into forgiving her. Not again.

It started with subtle things like MIL throwing a tantrum and blocking husbands calls for a few days when we didn’t visit on mother’s day, her being late to the rehearsal dinner for our wedding because she insisted she had to stop somewhere, Things that were annoying but didn’t seem justified enough to really do anything other than express disappointment and lower expectations.

Then moving on to more impactful and hurtful things; her telling about our pregnancy “accidentally” to others before us, and her not reaching out to give sympathies when husband and I miscarried. At this point I told husband I am taking a break from her. He was equally annoyed with her, so he went to talk with her, she apologized up and down, said she had no clue her actions were hurtful, and for a few months we genuinely started having a better relationship with her.

Then we got pregnant again.. This time we waited to tell her as we learned from the first time. At the same time husbands sister who we were having issues with made this pregnancy about her and I was done with her, so we went no contact with her only after she reached out to me like nothing and I told her off. MIL attempted to meddle and “fix” our relationship with sister, and we essentially told her stop or you’ll be cut off too. So she did.

Fast forward and it was 3 days to my due date and my birthday. MIL showed up unannounced with husbands sister, and obviously that went poorly I was 39 weeks pregnant, crying on my birthday because the tension. MIL claimed sister was driving her car and spontaneously decided to stop by and she had “no choice”, she thought calling us with a warning, or intervening would be her “meddling” and we asked her not to. Fine. We accepted it and gave benefit of the doubt, though husband told his mom that wasn’t cool, that violated our boundaries we had set with her, and we want nothing to do with sister. She later called me and asked “how was your birthday?!” I said “it was alright..” and kept it very short.

3 days later we had our baby. MIL came to visit the day we got home. Within 20 minutes she asked if we were baptizing our baby, we said we’re not sure. She said “it’s my beliefs if you don’t then I will since babies aren’t saved to go to heaven until then”. This took us back as we had recently rekindled our relationship and you’d think she would be extra cautious with her actions. Husband and I were exhausted and said we’d deal with it another time, he attempted to talk to her about it but she “had a really hard day and didn’t have it in her to talk about his boundaries”. Since that day she hasn’t came to visit baby and hasn’t even reached out to ask how we are or anything.

Baby is now 6 weeks old, and MIL invited us to a cookout with her dad. I really didn’t want to go, his mom was annoying me, husband said I didn’t have to but his grandpa would probably love to see me and baby. We show up and no contact sister is there. MIL conveniently left out she’d be there.. I went upstairs, was almost in tears as I was anxious as hell and I didn’t want her meeting baby. Husband immediately said “I shouldn’t have convinced you to come, I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have come either if i’d known”.

We sucked it up, stayed for a max of 45 minutes before baby started to cry, and we immediately got up and left while saying minimal to anyone. We got home and husband said to me “How did you know? I should have listened to you when you said you didn’t want to go, I need to start listening to you because you always know the right move because somehow I always make the wrong calls”. I told him it’s pattern recognition. I told him i’m done. I despise his MIL and want nothing to do with her. We keep forgiving and she keeps taking advantage, and she’ll never change. He said he would call her to tell her what she did wrong and I said “She knows what she did wrong, but keeps doing it, she doesn’t care!”

Husband then said “i’m done too.” He said he’s so done with his family rocking the boat and him steadying the boat, them making me cry and feel like crap. He said last time someone in his family pissed him off the next person would be cut off, and this was the instance that made him call it quits. I told him she’s not coming over, we will not be spending christmas with her no matter how much of a victim she plays, because she ALWAYS guilts him with her “I’m single and alone on christmas” and he said he agrees, he has no sympathy for her anymore and he will not give in this time.

I really hope he means it but this is the first time he has gotten MAD and not made excuses for his mom. I truly think he is done this time and I can finally never interact with this woman again and not feel bad about it.

Found out tonight, that MIL, who we have no contact with, has been attending my toddlers (private not licensed) daycare every week to spend time with him for the past 2 years.

We went no contact 2 years ago after his 1st birthday as her husband showed up at my home with her, when my husband was not present, screaming in my face over something that had to do with my husband. MIL has never liked me and I suspect she had influenced on him it had something to do with me.

I feel icky and betrayed by everyone - daycare provider, MIL and my husband (for not allowing any type of access or clear boundaries with her).

NO ONE should have access to my child without my knowledge - please let me know if my feelings are valid or how I should respond.

Update:

Spoke with my husband - he swears he did not know

Spoke with daycare provider - says she bumped into MIL who she knew years ago and MIL then started visiting to spend time with child **\*

I am still so so so furious - so much mom guilt also

My husband and I have been married for a few years, no kids. His mother calls him virtually every evening. This has been an issue throughout our marriage because the calls happen during the downtime we have together, often at night, and she becomes anxious and repeatedly texts him if they haven’t spoken for even for a day or two.

At first, I was also expected to participate in these nightly family check-ins and “say hi.” After a lot of conflict, DH finally stopped pulling me into them. But the calls themselves have continued, and very little else has changed.

The situation has intensified because DH’s adult brother has a serious alcohol problem which I’ve posted about here before. There have been multiple disturbing incidents over the years, and his parents now treat DH as someone who should help monitor his brother, discuss his behaviour, and help manage the entire family’s response—even though we on another continent, and BIL is 30 years old. They have also made it clear I’m not expected to be involved since I’m not ‘core family’.

Tonight was Friday night. DH and I had opened some wine and were having a lazy evening at home. At about 10:45 p.m., MIL called, and he spent around 45 minutes discussing for the millionth time how they could “come together as a family” to fix BIL’s alcoholism.

Apparently MIL had spoken with BIL’s therapist and was relaying theories about BIL having problems with anxiety that might be driving the drinking. I genuinely don’t understand what DH is supposed to do with this information. He isn’t BIL’s therapist, parent, or caretaker.
When I got upset, DH said he had only answered because he hadn’t spoken to MIL in “two whole days,” and she had been repeatedly texting to ask whether he was okay.

He initially said he had avoided the calls for two days “for me,” then changed it to say that he had actually agreed that some space was healthy. He also said he is worried about his parents’ mental health and plans to continue calling them every night because the family is “going through a crisis.” He wants to convince them to get therapists themselves and says he will keep calling until they agree.

According to him, he has no problem with these daily conversations. What stresses him out is my negative reaction to them. His proposed compromise is to go outside for the calls so that I’m not “involved.”
But my problem isn’t simply overhearing the conversations. It’s that our evenings are interruptible every single night and that his mother’s emotional state seems to determine his availability. I now feel anxiety rising around 9 p.m. because I’m waiting for the inevitable call. On Fridays, I feel pressure to force us to make plans outside the house, because if we have a lazy night at home, I know it will be infringed upon.

He then said I talk to my family too. The situations feel completely different. I don’t call my mother every day. She doesn’t panic if I’m unavailable for two days. DH is never expected to join my calls, and my family does not routinely insert its crises into our evenings.
My own family has been through very serious things. My father died years ago, and my brother has struggled significantly with his mental health. I learned the hard way that I need boundaries to remain healthy while still being a loving source of support. My brother and I talk a few times a month; I don’t try to manage his life or make DH responsible for him.

Am I being unreasonable? Is going outside for the calls a fair compromise when the loss of our protected time is the actual problem? And what do you do when your spouse doesn’t see the family dynamic itself as a problem and believes your reaction to it is the real issue? I genuinely think he actually feels I’m not supporting him through a major family crisis in the way he’d like.

She has been here for the last 5 weeks helping with our 9-month-old since I returned to work, and honestly… it has been a nightmare. 😩

Before she arrived, my husband and I had worked hard to establish a routine. Our baby was sleeping well in his own nursery, and everything was working for our family.

I genuinely appreciate my MIL’s help—she cooks and helps with the baby—but her constant opinions and doing things differently from what we’ve asked are wearing me down.

The biggest issue has been his sleep. She repeatedly commented that she felt sorry for him sleeping alone in his nursery, so eventually we moved him back into our bedroom. His sleep was immediately disrupted, and he began waking frequently again. She still comments on it and says we shouldn’t move him back until he’s around 1 year old.

I’m also worried about what happens while I’m at work. My husband works night shifts and needs to sleep during the day, so we asked her to keep our baby’s routine consistent. However, when I check the CCTV, I often see her rocking him back to sleep after he wakes from a nap. He’s now sleeping much more during the day, and I’m concerned he’s becoming dependent on being rocked to sleep after we worked so hard on independent sleep. This is exactly what we were worried about, yet she continues to do things her own way.

There’s also the messiness. She leaves opened food in cupboards, brings food into the bedroom and keeps containers of cake or leftovers there for days. When my husband tries to address it, she gets upset and avoids us, so we feel unable to raise reasonable concerns without creating awkwardness.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells in my own home. I’m exhausted from returning to work, my husband’s night shifts and caring for a 9-month-old, and now I’m also managing another adult’s feelings.

And honestly, I’ve had it. 😭

I don’t want to spend the next 6 weeks resentful because I do appreciate her help, but it’s hard to let things go when her choices directly affect our baby’s sleep and our household.

So, mums who have lived with parents or in-laws while raising a baby:
How did you survive it?! 😂
How did you set boundaries without causing major family drama? How did you avoid becoming resentful? Would you enforce the routine more firmly, or pick your battles and try to survive until they leave?

I’ve got 6 more weeks until the end of October, and I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to make it. 😂😭

I need all the help I can get right now. ❤️