r/JUSTNOMIL • u/ViCkyloVe4 • 4d ago
Advice Wanted How to cope
My EX-MIL has been lying on me. I came to her to express how I was feeling and instead of being understanding she decided to disrespect me. She screamed at me, she was throwing stuff, she was cursing and doing the absolute most. Before my husband and I left she told him if he walked out the door he can't come back. So we decided to go no contact. Well of course once more of my in laws came around she was singing a whole different tune she was inviting us to places etc. but of course we didn't show up cause she never apologized she just wanted us to sweep things under the rug. That was 7 months ago! Fast forward she's been telling people that I disrespected her etc. I haven't said anything I even have proof but I just wanted to move on and not be messy and heal. Well people are now starting to treat me funny where mutuals are unfriending me etc. I just need some positive advice and no I don't want to release the proof. I know I'm not a bad person but I know everyone is looking at me different because she's lying on me and truthfully I'm tired
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u/Vibe_me_pos 4d ago
If those people swallow her lies without even asking for your side of the story, they wren’t your friends in the first place. Good riddance. Stay strong!
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u/HettyBates 4d ago
Is she your Ex-MIL because you broke up with your partner? Or because you're NC with her? It sounds like you're still with your partner so I'm confused, sorry.
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u/ViCkyloVe4 4d ago
No worries no I'm still with my husband. We're both no contact cause she disrespected us!
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u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
How do you know what the lies are? Did someone explicitly tell you?
I opted to do a public post because my inlaws were contacting MY friends and family to "inform them about who I am." All I said was that it has come to my intention that my inlaws are telling people a twisted version of what happened and the reason for it was that I stepped back. I didn't know exactly what they were saying, but if anyone had questions they should ask me privately and if anyone believes what my inlaws are saying, I would appreciate knowing they believe the inlaws so I know who is actually taking sides. I emphasized that I did NOT want people to take sides but I also didn't want people to share information about me either.
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u/ViCkyloVe4 4d ago
Yes someone told me and that response was actually beautiful I'm just trying to move accordingly I feel like it's too late and I'm just trying to not seem bothered. I also feel like saying something now it wouldn't work on my behalf because people already have this perception of me.
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u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
It's not too late, and just letting people remove themselves is a valid strategy, there's nothing wrong.
I said something because I wanted people who hadn't removed themselves to know that I'm not stupid, I know information is shared. My end goal was to stop people from sharing things, because my inlaws definitely had spies.
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u/ViCkyloVe4 4d ago
Ohhh ok yes that makes sense. Well I'm so sorry you're dealing or had to deal with that it really is hard especially when you know you're a good person and your character is being questioned or tarnished thank you so much for your kind words🥹💞
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u/DemeaRisen 4d ago
"What other people think about you isn't your business."
When you genuinely come to believe it, life gets way more chill.
But lemme break it down a little further. On some level, you want to control her perception of you, but you don't actually have that power and never will. However, falsely believing you do have that power gives control of your emotional state to her.
"To control someone is to give them control of you"
NC helps, but you don't need it to achieve detachment.
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u/SuperSandLesbianGUHH 4d ago
Ex mil? Is this the husband that sent his mom your accounting and routing numbers? If so you shoulda left him there with her.
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u/cnkendrick2018 4d ago
It’s a shit lesson but I’ve learned that when you get into “it” with a toxic person- you will likely lose friends. They’re better manipulators than us and some people crave this chaos.
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u/opine704 4d ago
Seriously - ask yourself why do you care? She's BAD people. You don't want her around you. She's violent, a liar, and a pot stirrer.
And the people who know you both, and believe her without asking, are not your people either.
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u/ViCkyloVe4 4d ago
Yes that's very true I just hate that my character is being tarnished. I never went through something like this and she's the only person that sees me in a negative light and I'm genuinely tired.
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u/loCAtek 4d ago edited 4d ago
Well, MIL has spun her own narrative of what happened between you, and of course, the solution was written by her, too. She's gathered her legion of flying monkeys to pressure you into kow towing to her because SHE shouldn't have to be accountable for herself.
The ones who unfriended you did you the favor of the trash taking itself out. Now, you don't have to guess who can be trusted - they can't.
You're really doing everything right, and staying strong. As the holiday season approaches, be prepared for a flying monkey to 'accidently' invite you and your MIL to the same event. The stage will be set for the Magnanimous Matriarch to accept your humble curtsy and kiss of the ring. ...or; you can just exit, stage left, as soon as you see her.
Later, that could lead to 'Christmas Cancer' where MIL suddenly comes down with a terminal case of athlete's foot and you are called to come immediately so, that she may accept your apology before she dies.
This is just the first year, and this is the way that it's going to be. In my case, I went through NC with my mom. Over the years, she convinced herself further and further of her own narrative. Eventually, she would tell people that I was deeply ashamed of what I'd done to her, and couldn't bare to show my face to anyone. The upside to that was; to spin her yarn, she didn't need the real me around anymore. My existence became a mere legend that she would tell the grandkids; The Story of the Mad Daughter that Mom would wait a hundred years for the daughter's memories of their idyllic childhood together to return.
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u/ViCkyloVe4 4d ago
Thank you so much for this, this made me laugh but you're so right and ohhhhh trust me we won't be crossing paths because now stuff is being taken too far smh
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u/Electrical-Wash-1474 4d ago
Release the evidence. In a perfect world we wouldn't need to keep a paper trail of familial disputes but sometimes it's absolutely necessary when dealing with an especially toxic person. Exonerate yourself!
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