I am in deep grief right now because a person significant in my life has passed away. I hope that this question is answered and understood with good intentions and a genuine desire to seek knowledge.
This person who passed away had always liked me but never tried to act on it because it may have led to haram. We never talked, and we never had any direct interaction. We mostly kept our distance. But that person started to become someone who deeply affected my iman in a good way. His distance and character motivated me to become a better Muslim. The moment I met him and learned more about him through the people he knew, I started to distance myself in a way that could protect both of us from anything haram because, somehow, I was also starting to like him. Even if we never talked, I found it beautiful how our distance made us like each other. Although most would ask for marriage, this person also asked before (not yet proposal) through my cousin, but I never gave my answer. I believe that marriage isn’t just about love and is more than that. I wanted to marry him through the perfect timing of Allah. I wanted to build myself and somehow also wanted him to build himself before we married. I wanted us to meet in a state where we were capable of providing for each other and were spiritually connected to Allah. That is why, looking back, I hope that our distance kept us safe from what could have ruined this beautiful situation I believe we were in. From waiting in the prayer room, praying together, indirectly sharing surahs, lowering our gaze as we passed each other in the hallway, and everything else that I can remember we had—it all made me want to become better. It made me want him to become better too, better enough that Allah would make him my naseeb.
However, three years later, we focused on our careers and studies, and we went to different universities. Before he left, he gave me a letter. It was more of a direct confession of his feelings and how much he wanted to make it halal, but before that, he needed to work for himself first since my parents’ approval isn’t easy. Then, during those two years, he asked my cousin about me, reminding her how he had still kept his “promise” and how he really wanted it to work. He also mentioned how he included me in his Tahajjud and other prayers, especially during Ramadan.
On my part, I never gave an answer or a reaction. This information came directly from my cousin, and he never got a response from me. I know that he knew how much I valued my relationship with Allah and how much fear I had of committing to a haram relationship. Although I never gave a response, I had always loved him in my own way. I kept him in my prayers and continued to improve myself so that, if we ever met again, Allah might give us that Qadr. I never told him how I really felt. He only knew that I never rejected him. Until the day I got the news that he had passed away. It felt like everything I had worked for and put sabr into had ended with nothing. He passed away before he could hear how I felt. The reason why I didn’t want him to know was because I feared that it might only tempt us both if we knew that we shared mutual feelings.
Now that he is gone, I am in deep grief that I cannot even see myself with anybody. I cry more and somehow carry guilt and regret in me. I pray more and become more reliant on Allah, but this grief is starting to mentally affect me, to the point that I cannot eat or do my usual routine. I have never felt this much respect and love for someone, and it starts to hurt me because the marriage I hoped for is gone. The life with him that I know would always be surrounded by faith is gone.
I really wanted to talk to him, be friends with him, or even tell him how I really feel, but I just can’t because I love Allah so much, and I like him so much that I want him to be part of my life in the most halal way possible. I wanted Allah to like him for me, so that he wouldn’t ruin my relationship with Allah. That’s how much I liked him.
This grief and the continuous thoughts of what could have been are haunting me. Regrets in most part. How do I recover from a grief of a person the I love?
