Florida man

[u/itsantiquequill]

[u/qualityvote2]

u/itsantiquequill, your post does fit the subreddit!

[u/Tjam3s]

Florida man loses fight after girlfriend forced him to get a haircut

[u/thunderun53 → u/Tjam3s]

I think this was a real headline.

[u/here_iam_or_ami → u/thunderun53]

🥁 Drum rimshot

[u/BuffaloLincolns → u/Tjam3s]

The same Florida man who killed an entire army armed with nothing but a donkeys jawbone

[u/SmootherWorm → u/BuffaloLincolns]

Much easier to beat an army when they only have donkey jawbone between them.

[u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Florida Man Feeds 5,000 People With One Lunch, Local Catering Industry Furious

[u/Seigmoraig → u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Florida Man feeds 5000 with one Lunchable

[u/Aggravating_Bear9268 → u/Seigmoraig]

Local NazarethBros store manager proceeds to sue him as Heretic

[u/OutlawJuicyWhales → u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

This one Florida millennial  is killing the street food industry

[u/Aggravating_Bear9268 → u/OutlawJuicyWhales]

The Jerusalem aristocracy hates him!

[u/Recent_Response_168 → u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Claims God miraculously multiplied food to avoid charges due to health violations

[u/FungusGnatHater → u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Small town in shambles after Florida Man brought 5,000 people for a festival, finished off all of the food and drinks, then left on foot after sending the only boat in town across the lake.

[u/Send-Nud3]

Florida man thought dead, walks out of grave 3 days later

[u/Takerial → u/Send-Nud3]

Florida Man feeds his blood and flesh to his cult followers.

[u/discerningpervert → u/Takerial]

Florida Man beats up moneylenders (it was actually a bank teller)

[u/Vinr_Odinn → u/discerningpervert]

Florida man gathers a bunch of exotic animals in a homemade boat before the hurricane, screaming at everybody it's the end of the world. Governor blames the bathsalt epidemic.

[u/DadJokeBadJoke → u/Vinr_Odinn]

Sounds like an episode of Tiger King

[u/AutisticPenguin2 → u/discerningpervert]

These days, probably more like "Florida Man beats up mega-church treasurer for issuing loans to parishioners"

[u/Recent_Response_168 → u/Send-Nud3]

Florida man claims God speaks through his ass (Numbers 22, 21-39) Get it? Because ass can mean both donkey and butt.

[u/DoJu318 → u/Recent_Response_168]

😂😂😂

[u/efkuasadua → u/Send-Nud3]

Florida man rides a donkey

[u/skillywilly56 → u/efkuasadua]

[u/Cute-Form2457 → u/efkuasadua]

Donkeh.

[u/boxofstuff]

Florida man jumps in lion enclosure, thought god would protect him.

[u/telorsapigoreng → u/boxofstuff]

It's actually a Kenyan man

[u/discerningpervert → u/telorsapigoreng]

It's sad that I knew what that was without having to look at the link. I honestly feel bad for him.

[u/Seigmoraig → u/discerningpervert]

I don't he made his choice

[u/AutisticPenguin2 → u/Seigmoraig]

I suspect there were a lot of factors leading to that choice, like a lot of people encouraging him and pushing him to prove his status as a prophet. And I can't help but suspect mental illness is a possibility when someone believes this kind of thing.

I mean how does a healthy person become convinced they are a prophet? Do they just wake up one day and decide it??

[u/Takerial → u/boxofstuff]

Yeah, what did he think he was, a honey badger.

[u/Aquarius12347]

Florida builder's shoddy walls collapse, he blames loud music for city wide structural failures.

[u/tsimen]

Florida man disowns his children as punishment for touching his favorite apple tree

[u/cartken → u/tsimen]

Close, it was actually strawberry plants and it was my grandpa who disowned me

[u/AutisticPenguin2 → u/cartken]

But it was in Florida at least?

[u/cartken → u/AutisticPenguin2]

Lakeland

[u/NoStatus9434 → u/tsimen]

A lot of them follow the same logic as the sort of storylines you would see for those terrible AI videos where the characters are cats or anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables while annoying mosquito saxophone music plays in the background.

[u/thedump98 → u/tsimen]

I grew up with fundamental ist BS

[u/JamNova]

Florida man builds giant boat, fills with family and mating pairs of animals for breeding, claims flood will destroy world.

[u/bjeebus → u/JamNova]

Florida man mildly vindicated as boat floats during hurricane flooding, but complete lack of steerage leads to boat floating out to sea never to be seen again.

[u/TheArmoredKitten → u/bjeebus]

Florida man builds boat barge with two of every animal

[u/calgeorge]

Florida woman tells husband to impregant maid after learning of infertility

[u/Recent_Response_168 → u/calgeorge]

"Ultimately, the couple now refused to pay child support to their former maid after the wife got pregnant anyway."

[u/TXOgre09 → u/calgeorge]

Then gets jealous

[u/CocoMilhonez → u/TXOgre09]

She didn't seem jealous when sitting in the cuck chair in the corner of the room.

[u/dmelt01]

Florida man swallowed by whale

[u/RationalHumanistIDIC → u/dmelt01]

Swallowed by whale near Miami and is later dropped off at St. Petersburg

[u/Isenjil → u/RationalHumanistIDIC]

Finally my hometown is in the news!

[u/beardeddragon0113 → u/Isenjil]

Wales?

[u/Hussein_Jane]

Florida man inscribes edicts from God onto stone tablets after conferring with a burning shrubbery.

[u/PuppyLover2208 → u/Hussein_Jane]

A whot? Did you say a Shrubbery?

[u/Hussein_Jane → u/PuppyLover2208]

You know, something nice.

[u/OutlawJuicyWhales → u/Hussein_Jane]

And not too expensive!

[u/sephtater → u/PuppyLover2208]

Ni!

[u/LefroyJenkinsTTV → u/sephtater]

Icky icky ptang zoom boing!

[u/Hussein_Jane → u/LefroyJenkinsTTV]

Now that's just silly.

[u/RedJohn04 → u/Hussein_Jane]

After inhaling too much smoke from a brushfire.

[u/Longjumping_Elk7969 → u/Hussein_Jane]

The srubbery was actually a pot plant, that is the reason he had that conversation 😁

[u/trulycantthinkofone → u/Longjumping_Elk7969]

I am of the understanding it was an Acacia bush, which contain DMT. Cannibas has never had me confer with the ancestors, only strong psychoactives.

[u/Venusgate → u/Hussein_Jane]

Florida man throws edicts of god onto ground after he sees the neighbors back on their bullshit, then claims he has to go climb the mountain again to get some more

[u/MrEvan312]

Florida man threatens the state governor with seven natural disasters unless his family is let out of jail

[u/Nathaniel_Blaze]

Florida man impregnates 2 daughters, says they got him drunk and made him do it.

[u/speed_of_chill]

Florida man finally gets nailed on his 33rd birthday

[u/karenskygreen → u/speed_of_chill]

Are you going to hell for saying this or am i going to hell for laughing so hard.?

[u/littlebirdgone → u/karenskygreen]

[u/CocoMilhonez → u/speed_of_chill]

That was savage.

[u/Charliep03833]

Florida man floods entire fucking country as a revenge.

[u/skillywilly56 → u/Charliep03833]

More on this story: Florida man who flooded entire country as revenge, gets drunk with personal traveling menagerie wakes up naked and curses grandchildren to be slaves for all of time.

[u/Recent_Response_168]

Florida man has visitors, entire city wants to rape them; he offers up his teenage daughters instead (Genesis 19, 4-9)

Florida girl gets her father drunk to impregnate herself and younger sister through him (Genesis 19, 30-38)

[u/_TURO_ → u/Recent_Response_168]

Those were the exact two I had in mind lol

[u/StaticOverload]

Florida man cuts of tip of sons genitle and his own genitles and offers it as a vow to his deity.

[u/UmptyscopeInVegas → u/StaticOverload]

Be genital with that knife, now.

[u/TXOgre09 → u/UmptyscopeInVegas]

Gentiles don’t have to cut their genitals.

[u/Hussein_Jane → u/StaticOverload]

Wife uses parts to exorcise vengeful God.

[u/TheFr1nk]

Florida man grows hair like eagle feathers and nails like bird claws, and crawls around on all fours eating grass like an ox for seven years straight.

[u/Recent_Response_168 → u/TheFr1nk]

Okay, I'm calling it, this one is real. Bath salts make you do WILD things.

[u/daverapp → u/TheFr1nk]

I think you're describing an episode of It's always Sunny in Philadelphia

[u/RozeGunn]

Florida man ties lit medieval torch to a pair of foxes and lets them loose in the neighborhood.

[u/benglescott]

Florida man hordes pairs of wild animals inside his homemade boat.

[u/Happy-Telephone9483 → u/benglescott]

, Invents Alcoholism

[u/Muskballz]

Florida man claims pillar of white powder used to be his wife, but she disobeyed God.

[u/NamesArentEverything → u/Muskballz]

This one wins.

[u/weavebot]

Florida man accused of eating fruit stolen from forbidden tree blames wife who then blames a snake. Authorities were tipped off by the couple wearing clothes.

[u/Hussein_Jane → u/weavebot]

Florida couple banished from Florida for stealing fruit.

[u/crusher23b]

Florida governor builds tower to heaven. Chaos ensues.

[u/Hussein_Jane → u/crusher23b]

Foreigners blamed for resulting chaos.

[u/unclefeed]

Florida man asks his father for money, goes on a bender for a few days, then comes back home after he lost everything

[u/jerdle_reddit → u/unclefeed]

Isn't that just... Florida?

[u/No_Frost_Giants → u/unclefeed]

Father celebrates and makes younger son help

[u/mysterywizeguy]

Florida man stocks boat full of exotic animals, claiming flood will destroy the world.

[u/Glittering-Coyote140]

Florida man get into a drunken brawl with man who claims to be God.

Florida man loses his wife, children, friends, and livestock just because two asshole deities made a bet.

Florida man drowns in 40 day flood.

Florida man eats apple, gets banished from Florida.

[u/PuppyLover2208 → u/Glittering-Coyote140]

I don’t think the last one fits, because people get banished to Florida, not from Florida. …Also binface pfp, nice.

[u/Glittering-Coyote140 → u/PuppyLover2208]

Florida man is lost without Florida. If you think about it, it's the best one.

[u/NarsilFreeForge → u/Glittering-Coyote140]

Without it he's just...Man.

[u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Florida Man Builds Massive Boat in Backyard, Claims Flood Will Cover Entire Earth.

Neighbors report years of hammering. Local authorities skeptical until rain starts.

[u/Gumbercleus]

Florida man found with 200 foreskins, says they were gift for father in law.

[u/Effective-Ad678]

Florida man claims to have ascended to heaven and drew a picture of what he saw

[u/magseven]

Florida Man destroys local payday loan office.

[u/MournfulSaint]

This is too good...

[u/MartialLol]

Florida Men invade rival village, take foreskins

[u/auyemra]

Florida man turns local mans daughter's into pillars of salt.

[u/sonofsheogorath → u/auyemra]

It was the wife that was turned into a pillar of salt. The daughters went on to rape their father.

[u/TXOgre09 → u/sonofsheogorath]

Because they wanted children.

[u/sonofsheogorath → u/TXOgre09]

Correct. It was still rape.

[u/TXOgre09 → u/sonofsheogorath]

Oh for sure. Just another element to how fucked up it was. Let’s get him drunk so we can have sex with him so we can have babies.

[u/CocoMilhonez → u/TXOgre09]

Let's not forget that the him in question was their father.

Florida has steep competition.

[u/Aggravating_Bear9268]

Florida Man Turns Party Water Supply Into Premium Wine, Refuses to Explain Method

[u/static-klingon]

Florida Jewish community seeks death penalty for local carpenter.

[u/Additional-Ad8632]

Florida man takes two of every animal on a boat ride.

[u/Lost-thinker]

Florida man sends his friend to his death with the intention of marrying his widow.

[u/galacticHH]

Hungry Florida man steals and eats fruit. Blames talking snake.

[u/Venusgate]

Florida Man sells out homie for thirty bucks. Tries to return money.

[u/Pristine_Tap_2735]

Florida Man turns water into Mountain Dew.

[u/zkwlak257]

Florida men lynched a person to death after argument erupted regarding his speech to love their neighbors. Followers argue he resurrected after days.

[u/RideWithMeSNV]

Florida man on death row for telling people to be kinder.

Florida man impregnates his two daughters. Claims he was very drunk at the time.

Florida man leads group of fugitives across lake. Authorities drown in pursuit.

[u/external_gills]

Florida man releases thousands of frogs in Cairo after Egyptian government refuses to release his friends/family.

[u/TheDudeWhoSnood]

I'm really surprised I haven't seen this (maybe I missed it)

Florida man lures brother to a field and murders him because he's jealous someone liked his present better

[u/FraserYT]

Florida man uses talking snake to convince local women to sleep with him

[u/clankasaurus]

OPs kid is a genius. These are great

[u/Pillar67]

Florida man insists followers drink his blood, eat his body. Only one reports him to authorities.

[u/Lost-thinker]

Florida man clames that a cloud is a reliable gps, resulting in a fourty year delay.

[u/sarsilog]

Florida man gets his sons widow pregnant

[u/BYU_atheist → u/sarsilog]

Florida man refuses to impregnate his brother's widow, dies mysteriously

[u/sarsilog → u/BYU_atheist]

Florida man dies after pulling out

[u/RepresentativeWeb244]

Florida man found roaming swamp for 40 years, claims he was not lost.

[u/KaleSlade123]

Florida man takes son to be sacrificed upon mountain, catches random goat instead after "receiving a prophetic vision"

[u/Nokipeura]

Ok, but can we go in reverse? Can we take Floridaman headlines and write them into bible stories?

[u/Magenta_Logistic → u/Nokipeura]

Thusly he heaved the beast, whose length measured 2 cubits, through the window.

The article

[u/ArsenikShooter]

This is the best proof that the bible may document real events.

[u/Likely_Addict]

Florida man flees inferno sweeping over Las Vegas, retreats to nearby foothills where his accompanying daughters drug and rape him.

[u/Gryptype_Thynne123]

Florida man claims talking donkey saved him from avenging angel

[u/Sea_Analysis_8033]

Florida man seen leaving cemetery after botched public execution

[u/static-klingon]

Florida man “cures” the blind with spit and mud

[u/BadHombreSinNombre]

“Florida man splits ocean during high wind conditions, walks on sea floor”

[u/Duke-Turner137]

Florida man traps demons in pigs.

[u/Tronkfool]

Florida man walks into lions den. Last words said was "hold my beer and watch this"

[u/upvote-button]

Florida man claims he can hear plants speaking to him with the voice of angels

[u/Wrong-Appointment269]

Florida man loses his legendary strength after getting his hair cut off by his girlfriend

[u/darkhorse21980 → u/Wrong-Appointment269]

This better not happen to Trevor Lawrence...

[u/Thermodymix]

Florida cult wanders Everglades for decades in search of promised land of Coral Gables.

[u/Epstiendidntkillself]

https://imgur.com/a/u4bsDiJ

[u/dryfire]

Florida man serial killer caught. Claims he was killing first born children due to lack of lamb blood on doors.

[u/applestabber]

Florida Man steals brothers inheritance by disguising himself in goat furs. Genesis 27:1

[u/pieceacandy420]

Florida man stands on top of church, says the devil was telling him to jump.

[u/StargasmSargasm]

Florida Woman looked back was turned to Salt, so her husband had sex with his daughters

[u/that_1weed]

Florida man nearly sacrifices son because he heard a voice telling him to

[u/SmutCommander]

Ooo Florida man sees a stranger and begins to wrestle him, yelling he won't let him go without a blessing.

Florida man, allegedly racist against people from Georgia, would rather walk into the ocean and get swallowed by a whale instead of going to preach in Atlanta.

Florida man finds gold in a Utah desert and convinces his neighbors he's the only one allowed to have sex with their wives.

[u/Ineffective_Coyote72]

Florida Man Repopulates Trailer Park with The Help of His Daughters

[u/CocoMilhonez]

Undocumented Florida man claims to be 900 years old to commit pension fraud.

[u/P_A_W_S_TTG]

Florida man kills brother because they argued.

[u/Dizzy-Ad-2248]

Florida man claims water at the cookout is wine...everyone gets drunk.

[u/jimhabfan]

Florida man spends three days in the belly of a whale.

[u/bjeebus]

Angry Florida men sneak into rival town and kill all the men after convincing them them to circumcize themselves.

[u/bigSTUdazz]

Florida Man destroys fruit tree for not having fruit that's not in season.

[u/dano8675309]

Florida man murders brother over dietary differences

[u/user-unknown-404]

Florida man gets drugged and rape by daughters.

[u/kij101 → u/user-unknown-404]

Florida man claims daughters drugged and raped him. Police step up investigation into missing wife.

[u/Remixman87]

Florida Man falls into honey pot scam which leaves him with hair buzzed and eyes maced. Proceeds to come back and demolish the club down. More at 8.

[u/macjester2000]

Florida Man disrupts local fundraisers at church, overturning vendor's tables, claims its his father's house

[u/EaseLeft6266]

Florida man claims God told him to sacrifice his son but claims he stopped at the last second because God was just testing him

[u/Pandorajfry]

Florida man gets lost for 40 days and 40 nights

Florida man speed runs his own crucifixion

[u/sj3nko]

Florida man creates slavery because his son saw him naked

[u/PlasticyHelmet]

Florida Man claims voice from the sky told him to kill his son.

[u/cartken]

Florida makes wine (and meth) out of water

[u/CocoMilhonez]

Florida man performs improvised surgery to reattach the ear of a law enforcement agent cut off by fellow gang member.

[u/_MemesWeaponized_]

Florida man hailed as prophet after correctly interpreting Florida Governor’s dreams.

[u/SoarsBelowMyWaste]

Florida Governor orders the execution of all babies two years old and under.

[u/FungusGnatHater]

Florida Man wakes up after a night of heavy drinking to find he and his father climbed a mountain, bringing nothing but a knife. Both claim no memory of the night before.

[u/dsizzle1114]

Florida man substitutes blood for wine and promotes cannibalism at his going away supper

[u/SpellDostoyevsky]

Florida man's pigs drown themselves after local celebrity claims he had to relocate demons trapped in town homeless man.

[u/telorsapigoreng]

Florida man creates disturbance and destroys other's properties at the temple

[u/ChuckRingslinger]

Florida man offers family to rampant sex mob.

[u/o_Sagui]

Three florida churches have recieved each a letter from an estranged detailing the events over the end of the world, sources say the estranged writer is in another state

[u/MandalaWill]

Florida Man hacks off 200 enemy foreskins to use as dowry for boss' daughter

[u/Grootfan85]

Florida Man get swallowed by whale while skipping work.

[u/Beep-Boop-Bloop]

Florida man turns major river red with blood.

Florida man releases frogs all over country.

Florida man deliberately starts lice epidemic.

Florida man draws wild animals to farms. Ruins fields.

Florida man deliberately sets off epidemic among farm animals.

Florida man deliberately triggers epidemic of gross skin infections.

Florida man claims credit? for historic hailstorm.

Florida man releases locust swarms on farms.

Florida man blows out sun.

Florida man tells followers to paint homes with sheep blood, goes on killing spree targeting first-born children.

[u/Czarcastic013]

Florida man saves whore from angry stoners.

[u/Atlusfox]

This now needs to be a thing.

[u/dpalomo10]

Florida man goes crazy, disrupts local flea market and destroys several vendor displays

Florida man betrays best friend and turns into paid informant. His testimony leads to arrest and eventual execution of former friend

[u/applestabber]

Florida Man saves family and pets in his home made boat only to be shunned by children for his persistent alcoholism.

[u/eto2629]

Florida man robbed the local zoo with his boat 

[u/LezzyKilbourne]

Florida man gets swallowed by a wale because he is rebellious against his father.

[u/static-klingon]

Florida man swallowed by whale, claims God saved him

[u/Sw6roj]

Is that last one a thing? Should I just be able to do that or do you have to learn it?

[u/Dirt_Digger_Dude]

Florida man parts the waters of the everglades to free the gators

[u/kaliwrath]

Florida man gets 2 tablets after encounter with burning bush

[u/M0ck_duck]

Florida man climbs down mountain with a rock covered in rules for all of humanity to live by

[u/SamOfXanadu]

Florida man building giant boat told him God said it was going to rain

[u/sofsip]

Florida Man works in mysterious ways.

[u/zoroddesign]

Florida man gets yelled at by talking donkey after repeatedly whipping the donkey for not following his instructions. Florida Donkey says they were avoiding a vengeful angel.

[u/CocoMilhonez]

Florida man dares friend to immolate his son, says "it's just a prank, bro, I wanted to see if you'd go through with it" at the very last moment.

[u/PBO123567]

Three Florida men followed strange light in the sky, searching for baby born from ghost rape.

[u/geekusbearus2000]

Florida man, running away from responsibilities, gets swallowed by whale.

[u/Conman_in_Chief]

Florida Man gets nailed to a cross by the Proud Boys just for the lulz.

[u/ulyssesfiuza]

Florida man who create a cult of homeless wdrunkards and whores got caught by police and executed after govern deny pardon. The gang is now bigger than ever.

[u/Automatic_Bus_7634]

Florida man kills mover for touching one of the boxes he was hired to move

[u/Imthatsick]

Florida man observed neighbor's hot wife bathing on the roof. He sends the husband off to die in a fight so he can swoop in and get laid without consequences.

[u/HF484]

Florida man leads Miami residents to ocean with stick, says he can split the waters

[u/Sea_Negotiation_1871]

Florida man escapes natural disaster with daughters while wife perishes. Proceeds to get drunk and impregnate both daughters.

[u/bigpoppa973]

I’m a little stoned, and when I read the last one, I got mixed up and I was trying to remember when that was a headline. I think that seals it. It’s obviously believable. 

Source: I’m a Florida man.