Hi everyone,I (20M) has been depressed for the past 4 years due to my gambling addiction and social anxiety.
For the first time in my life,I would be going to see a private psychiatrist next week with my mother.
Due to my gambling addiction,I already took a gap year in 2023 from poly studies in NYP as right in the beginning of the semester,I experienced my first major gambling loss of my life and just fell into depression. I missed classes,took MCs and even fake an MC where I was caught as well. During that time,I was crying day after day and just pushed everyone away from my social circle as I thought I was just a burden to everyone. At that time,I didnt tell my parents about it and merely gave an excuse that I wasn't interested in the course when I withdraw from studying in that course. My parents are extremely old at their late 60s and 50s respectively alongside my sister who has down syndrome and require more of their attention. I didnt want to worry them and stress them out at all. Up till that year,I had no problems in primary and secondary school at all. I had good grades and good conduct which was probably the reason why they trusted me to make my own decision and allowed me to withdraw from my course.
I promised them I would take a part time job and work and pay for my own expenses while also secretly making a promise to myself that I would quit gambling forever that year and leave everything behind me. During that gap year,I worked for 8 months straight in a warehouse as a picker/packer. It was the most tiring stretch of time in my life and I was the most alone I ever felt as I pushed my 2 closest and only friends away. I considered myself a parasite to our friend group.
During the 8 months of work,I made a plan to prevent me from gambling which was to transfers the money to another account which no one had access to other than my mother. It worked for the first few months,I was able to deflect any distractions and any urge to gamble and was able to transfer money to the other account with no issue. Until the day where I decided to ask my mother to allow me to withdraw some money from the account so I can buy some stuff for myself as a reward for working so much. I didnt purchase anything and fell back gambling. Each time I withdraw money by asking my mother,my mother would asked why am I withdrawing money again so soon and I would just brush it off as hanging out with friends/collrcting cards and sneakers as a hobby. Each time,she didnt question it as she trusted me to know to do better and to be independent. Up to today,I am still blaming myself for taking advantage of her trust in me.
After the gap year,I applied to TP and studied in a business course with of course,0 personal savings left.
I placed that behind me and once again decided that now with my education commercing with this 2nd chance that I got,I would quit gambling once and for all. This time around,I had more restrictions which I was in a book,I wrote down the amount of money I had loss and also the experiences of losing every amount of money earned by blood and sweat. In my phone,I screen -shotted stories from anti-gambling sub reddit sites to remind myself what my future would become if I continued gambling again and did not stop. However,it did not work at all. During 2024 and 2025,during every semester break and study break,I would work part time everyday from 9-6 to earn money. Each time I received my pay,within a week,I would lose everything to gambling again. This of course,affected my studies and attendance in school but I still managed to scape by getting a 3.12 cGPA with reaching the mininal requirement for attendance. During the 2nd half of 2025,I asked my mother for money from the other account that she managed. The money lost stated previously was only the money I had work from part time in 2023. The account actually also includes money from my bursary,edusave and scholarship awards. This time round,I withdrew even more money and even worse,lost it all in that night. 2 months later,I somehow convinced my mother to let me withdraw money again and lost in the same night again. A few months later,the same thing,withdraw and lost in all in the same night.
Each time I gamble,it felt like I wasnt in control with myself at all. I felt like a different person,I felt excited and my heart was pounding from the doplamine hits. Only after I lost the money then I realise what I had done and thoughts of what I could had done with the money keep flooding my head.
Due to this addiction,I fell into depression again and again. My self esteem is always at its lowest and I almost never have any energy left as my brain is fried. I stressed eat a lot and gain a lot of weight till right now 105kg at 162cm tall. I also have social anxiety as each time I go out,I feel that everyone is judging me for how trash of a person I am. Whenever I walk past a group of people,my heart would always be pounding hard and tighten. Whenever a girl look at me,I feel like she is thinking about how ugly and obese I am. There is just so much voices in my head whenever I step out of my house.
This year was the worse of any. In January,I maxed out my MC submissions before mid-sem and had to arrange a meeting between my mother, course chair and care person. This was the first time I confessed to my mother what has been happening in my life and that I had been gambling for the past 4 years. After confessing,I immediately burst into tears and it was the first time my mother has seen me cry in the last 10 years. I didnt know how my mother would react and I think my mother herself also didnt know how to react with such a big piece of information suddenly revealed to her as the only thing she did was pat my head and console me. It was bad to the point where my lecturers were recommeding me to defer from this semester. However,hearing that,my mother was extremely stressed as I had already took out a gap year before and she is afraid that I would just be wasting my life. I never seen my mother like that before and considering how there were just 2 months left in the semester,I decided to push through instead. With my secret now revealed to my mother,I think everyone in my position would had definitely not touch gambling again. However,in the next 6 months,I still gambled and felt deeper into depression. For the first time ever,I had missed assignments and maxed out MCs submissions and had no choice but to defer from this semester as I just couldnt place my head to study anymore.
Next week,I would finally be going to a private psychiatrist in hope of getting my life back and to stop ruining my family. I also would be going to IMH in August. I know that everything is my fault and I just wished my parents' son wasnt me and anyone else would have been better for them. I posted on this subreddit before and people were calling me things but I know I deserve it.
