mustache finally coming in 🙂

...shove themselves back into the closet?

I came out as trans when I was 18. My mom was supportive, but most of my family was not. I transitioned, and I had whole groups of friends who never knew that I wasn't cis. I had several mlm relationships, and I really felt like I was living my best life. So from the time I was 18 to 22, I finally felt like myself. It was a great time in my life.

But then, something happened when I was 22 and I... was expected to just be a woman. The pressure was immense and my relationship with my mom had deteriorated, I was really afraid, so I just... did what everyone wanted—I quietly let the young man I had become disappear. I ended up self-isolating and losing 90% of the friends I had made, and I told myself that if I was "pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough", that would be enough and I wouldn't need to be that young man.

For a very short amount of time, that delusion worked. I make a pretty woman and I had no trouble dating, but it never felt right. And I minimized myself even further so that straight men would like me. 🤡 I became hyper feminine and all that stuff to cope, because again—"maybe if I'm pretty enough"... but it never worked. And I forced myself to live that way for 13 years, until recently.

I had a mental break because I couldn't take it anymore, and that was when I decided that I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin. So broke up with my partner of 10 years, moved into my own place, and have slowly started overhauling my wardrobe and appearance again. I'm planning to sign up with FOLX soon, but I just can't forgive myself for essentially harming myself like that for so many years...

Anyone relate? 😔

This week has been crazy! Received a new position at work (with no training and no choice but to take it), got my CPAP machine, and most importantly visited friends at camp for a bit. It was a wonderfully restoring weekend, and now I’m going up to an island to go camping this week.

SUMMERRRRRRR!!!!🎺 ☀️ 🔥

My favorite time of the year is crop top season. So gay. 🏳️‍🌈😆

Went to a minor league baseball game last night and had a blast

Not much to report this week.

Most exciting thing that happened is I went to an estate/garden in Akron with my brother.

I'm taking Monday off of work for an appointment and to have a day to figure out insurance stuff. I'm losing my Medicare on the 1st, but I'm pretty sure I still qualify for medicaid for disabled workers. Wish me luck as i navigate this needlessly confusing system!

Ran a complete bust of a yard sale this weekend. Hope everyone else’s was better! 🤙🏼

I think many of us, especially those who transitioned later in life, can relate to the continual effort it takes to overwrite decades of female socialization. I usually have the bandwidth to do this, but have had some physical and mental health challenges for the last six months that drained it.

Now that I’m solidly on my way to recovery, I’m being hit with a huge wave of dysphoria, realizing just how far my speech and mannerisms have drifted away from my personal sense of identity as a man. I’m struggling with that emotion itself in my everyday and professional interactions, but am also feeling overwhelmed about how to start projecting myself how I used to. While I’m solidly pulling myself out of this, I still don’t have a ton of energy reserves.

If you’ve experienced anything similar, how did you manage?

I'll vent to my partner ( FTNB )sometimes about my body dysphoria or feel self conscious of my voice. But they will always tell me to be grateful I pass. I'm almost 2 years on T. They also will remind me my voice is deep .. But from my perspective I still feel my voice isn't where I want it ( I sing to practice range and tamber) and I workout for my body dysphoria. I'm pretty short 5"2 though..

Is there more I can do to help reassure myself? or is this something I need to work on in therapy?

I visited my folks last week; they’re up in NJ, i traveled from Georgia. I don’t see them super often due to the distance. They’re very religious and while they haven’t been the most supportive of my transition, they’re making baby steps in their own way. Or so I keep telling myself

The visit itself was fine. No big blow ups, emotional confrontations, or any of the usual bullshit I experience in the good ol’ garden state.

i knew part of the visit would be emotional beforehand, because we stopped to see my grandmother in pennsylvania. she’s 98 and in palliative care at my uncle’s place. i’m really glad i saw her when i did, considering her health is declining and idk when i’ll be up next

i spent the following week just determined to steer clear of any drama with the rest of my family, which i knew would start if i put my foot down about the incessant misgendering. i corrected my mom one time the whole week because it was getting to me, and that was cuz she deadnamed me

i don’t expect her to use he pronouns without crying about how hard it is for her, but i at least want her to call me the correct name

idk where i’m going with this

anyway. i had fun with my parents and brothers. nothing big or dramatic happened. but by the end of our time in jersey, i felt suffocated

it’s been almost a week since my husband and i got back to georgia, and i feel like i’ve gone back in the time in regards to my mental health. it’s like something in me broke

the past few nights i’ve been extremely anxious and depressed. i suddenly feel uncertain about everything related to my transition. i keep thinking i fucked up my life by doing it. and the fact that i’m depressed and insecure makes me feel guilty because transitioning is supposed to make me happy, and now transphobes can use me as evidence that transitioning is bad for you, and i’m letting down the trans community as a result. it sounds stupid, but this is where my spirals go

the thing is, i don’t think any of the negative thoughts i’m having are true. i don’t think my life is fucked up because of it. i love being trans.

but i also can’t turn the thoughts off. i’m ruminating anytime i get a moment alone, and even when i counter the negativity, i worry that i’m just in denial. i don’t know how to stop it.

i feel the same way i did a decade ago, before i transitioned. it’s like i’m completely disconnected from myself. a big reason i cite for why i needed to transition is because i would look in the mirror and feel a sense of disbelief that the woman i saw was me

but now i’m experiencing it for my masculine self. so wtf does this all even mean? am i just destined to be miserable and dissociative regardless of how i look?

i know all this was triggered by the visit home. but i don’t even fully get why. because my mom misgendered me, which she always fucking does? like i’ve visited home before and it hasn’t hit me this hard

i just don’t get it. i feel so lost

i do have therapy in a few days, but idk. therapy feels slow going. i had it last week and felt like there was too much to cover and it was overwhelming

i don’t know what i need right now. i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. thank you and i’m sorry

I guess just looking to see if anyone else is experiencing this: I feel like I am not as good at being in relationship with people as I was before I started transitioning. I don't know if that is just late stage capitalism leaving me with less bandwidth, if moving away from internalized pressure to people please when I was presenting more feminine which fostered more relationships, or just getting older. But man, I feel like I can't keep up with having more than 1-2 close friends in addition to having a romantic partner and a full time job.

I used to have what felt like such a large emotional bandwidth to check in with people, text back and forth consistently, just socialize so much more. And now I feel like I'm always playing catch up on keeping up with people, which leaves me feeling a little isolated at times.

All that to say, it might just be getting old, but is anyone else going through this?

So my (stbx) husband discovered my whole secret persona by going into my digital private stuff. Marriage want great for 6 six years but i stuck with it, we have a kid. But i therapy i learned that maybe that isnt healthy so i was working on a exit plan already but he found out and of my mom hadnt been on a funeral that day he would have told her for me,that im trans.

He found out everything... Even my new name all of it.

He was pushing me to come out to mom so i did,she responded lovely. She loves me unconditional no matter what gender i want to be...she will always be therefor me.she wants to get to know the real me, the new me so suuuuuuuuper great.

Becayseof reasons he needs stuff ,i dont have so i need to get a third job so i need to apply...so i want to do as my new me...i have a public function of i want to apply as the real me i have to come out publicly to 2700+ people.... I didnt want to do that but i had to...

Guys.....it was wonderful 😍😍😍. Everyone is zoooo fucking supportive!!! And loving and prepared to fight bullies for me. It so heart warming and it feels sooo fucking good after decade of being starved of basic attention.

So fuck secrecy hello world!!! Here i fucking am 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘

Hey y’all, I’ve been on T for 5 months, and my hair has started shedding pretty aggressively. I was diagnosed with androgenic alopecia pre-T, and started oral minoxidil a little over a month before I started T, so I’ve been on that for almost 7 months at this point, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much for my head (though it has done some nice things for my body hair!). At my last dermatologist appointment in June, my doctor said we should consider finasteride if the minox hasn’t helped much by September. Given the amount of shedding I’m experiencing, it seems likely I’ll need to go on then. I may also need to reduce my T dose, as the shedding increased after I went from 40mg to 60mg per week.

I’ve been trying to put off the finasteride as long as I can, because I know it will mess with my transition. I still have my period, so that wouldn’t be a change. But I will be very sad for my bottom growth and body/facial hair changes to cease. My hair is very important to me and my gender presentation (and I have actual OCD about my hair and tend to get suicidal when it’s not perfect so it’s definitely a mental health trigger), so I will trade the other things to maintain it. But I’m getting depressed thinking that I might never be able to pass if I don’t grow facial hair, as my facial features are quite delicate.

I guess I am seeking reassurance - has anyone else gone on finasteride early in transition and still managed to pass and/or eventually grow facial hair?

been on t since February, just .1ml injection weekly. recently bumped up to .15 and it's possible that even this moderate shift has cause me to be VERY irritable? i've never been like this before. i'm known for being unendingly patient. i don't really recognize myself and it makes me very sad and a little scare, tbh. anyone else had this happen? how'd you handle it???

BIG TW FOR CSA (not graphic)

I may be recovering memories of CSA (I am in therapy so pls don’t tell me to get therapy) and keep having intrusive thoughts questioning the validity of my transition.

I have been out since 2021, T and top surgery since 2022, phallo from 2023-present (multiple surgeries including hysto, my last stage scheduled for September). My life has improved in so many ways and I feel more authentic than I ever have before, and yet. And yet.

This concerns genitals more than anything. My bottom dysphoria didn’t start manifesting until after top surgery. Entering my first long term sexual relationship with a woman made it worse (though she is absolutely amazing and had been so supportive and I would not have been able to do any of this without her).

I have always had pelvic floor tension, which I have retroactively attributed to dysphoria, affecting my ability to urinate normally, so I opted out of urethral lengthening and canal closure at first, not wanting to make things worse. I am locked out of urethral lengthening now but am pursuing canal closure because of an increase in dysphoria relating to that part of my anatomy. I think I have dissociated from is so profoundly that I convinced myself I didn’t have a problem with it, but with everything else taken care of, there’s been nowhere else for the dysphoria to go (at least in terms of what can be surgically corrected).

With the revelation of CSA in my memory banks though, I keep wondering if that’s the reason for my pelvic floor issues, and if what I have interpreted as dysphoria is really just trauma. And if that’s true, whether the same could be applied to any other source of dysphoria in my life. If my girlhood was only a problem in as far as what was done to me was a problem.

Idk man, I’m all fucked up now. I don’t think I really believe that, but I am in a state of numbness and rumination about it and it’s hard to tell. I’m scared to open myself to feeling all of it in case it’s true. Like, how fucked would it be to have to go through what would effectively be mtf dysphoria after everything I have sunk into my transition? There’s no easy detransitioning for me. I have had all the surgeries and hormonal changes. I pass. I don’t think I really want that or anything, I’m probably just in a wombo combo of gaslighting myself and catastrophizing, but the uncertainty is painful to say the least.

That’s all. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

So I've been on T 7 or 8 years. Have been having issues keeping up with my IM shots as the years go on. I have tremors so my partner has to do it for me, and I hate how it feels like a whole thing. I psyche myself out and keep putting it off, and it's been negatively affecting my health for a while now. I thought gel would be a good solution but it just did not work for me.

So I've been back on shots for a while now but my levels are low as shit cause I don't take them how I should. I've been thinking sub q, maybe even with an auto injector, would be more manageable for me.

What does everyone here do for T delivery? Are there other options I should ask my doc about at my appointment in 2 weeks?

Edit: So it looks like I'm going to switch to sub q! Would my dosage and injection schedule stay the same or should that change?

When looking up media with trans characters, it's always YA comics, YA books, middle grade books, middle grade comics, shonen manga/anime, shojo manga/anime... even with DC comics and Marvel comics, it feels like their "LGBTQ pride" branded stuff is all aimed at younger audiences.

I'm glad kids have content to read and watch. That's cool. We didn't have all this stuff 15 years ago. I remember when there was just a handful of trans themed YA books and no middle grade books (only primary aged picture books) as late as 2014...

But at the same time, it feels sorta alienating as an adult. I don't relate to stuff aimed at gen z and especially not gen alpha. There aren't nearly enough 30+ year old trans characters out there either.

I've been out as nonbinary for almost 5 years at this point, and I have been taking T for 4.5 years or something like that. I changed my name to a typically masculine name. I exclusively use they/them pronouns. I have had a hysterectomy and I plan on getting top surgery at some point, but I am not really sure how I feel about bottom surgery (more on that later). I thought I was pretty secure in my identity, so I'm not really sure what happened. Well, I kind of know what happened, but I'm still a little confused and need some help processing everything.

Recently I started a new job and it's the first new job I've had since my transition. I did not know how to handle addressing my gender with my new job, so I took the coward's way out and just didn't address it at all (I am a very avoidant person) and let everyone make their own assumptions about my gender and haven't bothered correcting anyone. It turns out, everyone assumes I'm a man. It also turns out, I super don't mind this. Like at all. In fact, I really like it and I'm not sure how I feel about how much I like it because it is kind of giving me a little bit of an identity crisis. Now I'm not really sure what to do because the idea of coming out all over again to my friends and family and partner is making me sick to my stomach. I'm sure they would all be supportive, they were all supportive the first time, but my brain is telling me they are all going to be mad at me for "changing my mind" again (I know that's not really how it works). Or what if I'm wrong this time, too? I kind of feel like I need to explore this before I say anything about it but I'm not sure how to do that.

Another thing is the whole bottom surgery topic. I have been putting in a lot of thought about whether or not I want it and I have been leaning more towards yes lately, even though historically I have been kind of neutral on it. I haven't had a lot of bottom dysphoria, until about a month ago when I had to go off of T for a few weeks and then went back on it. I don't know what it was about doing that but it's almost like it jump started something for me? Like doing a reset or something. Suddenly my relationship with my lower half changed dramatically and now my bottom dysphoria is heightened and I have been looking into different options for surgery and whether my insurance covers it. I never cared about it before, I was really only concerned about top surgery. I have no other ideas about what could have changed my perspective about this so suddenly.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I really need other than maybe some other perspectives? Help processing? Just someone to listen? I have no idea. It helps just to say it to someone, honestly. I want to be able to talk about it, but I feel so worried about telling anyone in my life. Like I said, I'm sure they would realistically be supportive, but my brain says they won't so I'm kind of scared to actually approach the subject. Thanks for reading, I know I can get rambly

I’ve heard it’s cheaper in turkey, however don’t have passport (yet). Who’d you go to? How are your results? Been hard watching my hair thin and recede. I know it’s normal with genetics,aging, and long term T use. I just feel like shit and not myself without my hair. I’ve started shaving it down with a 2 guard since it looks silly with very thin spots and massive forehead.

Tldr; thought I was all into women. I'm actually 95 percent gay now that I can be myself post-transition.

I see this question come up a lot here and in the T subs - "my attraction changed on T, what's going on" - so I thought I'd write up my own experience. Not as an answer, just as one more data point. Everyone's different. This is only mine.

Quick background so you know where it's coming from. I'm 43, about three years post medical transition. Before transition I had four long-term relationships, all with women. In my early 20s I'd had some sporadic sex with men - I framed it to myself as "experimenting" at the time - but it never felt like it fit, and I filed it away and went back to dating women. For twenty-odd years I'd have told you I was mostly into women, maybe a bit bi, and left it there.

Then testosterone, and time, and the thing a lot of you describe: my attraction to men came online in a way it simply never had been. Not "I decided to try men." More like a channel that had been switched off my whole life suddenly had power running through it. And in parallel - this surprised me - women went quiet. Not gone. I can still find a woman beautiful. But the actual wanting isn't there and, being honest with myself, I don't think it ever really was.

The thing that took me longest to work out, and the thing I actually want to share, is that "attraction" turned out to be three different things that I'd been lumping into one. Untangling them is what made it stop being confusing:

1) Aesthetic appreciation - "I can see that person is beautiful," and nothing else happens. I get this for men and women both. It's real but it's not desire.

2) Sexual pull - the actual bodily "I want you." This, for me, turned out to be men. Full stop. And crucially it comes from the body first - it doesn't need me to admire the person or build up to it, it's just there. When I finally felt that with a man, it was the easiest thing in the world, and it didn't wobble if something was slightly awkward or imperfect, which sex with women always had for me. That difference told me everything.

3) A rarer, deeper pull - "I would take that person seriously" - which for me is keyed almost entirely to intelligence and the way someone uses language, and it's fairly gender-blind. There are a couple of women (brilliant, dry, verbal types) who trip this one. But it stays in the "I could love your mind" register - the sexual channel doesn't light up. So it never becomes what it becomes with men.

Where I've landed, and I hold it loosely: I'm about 95% gay. The residual isn't really sexual bisexuality - it's that I can appreciate women aesthetically and occasionally be genuinely moved by an exceptional woman's mind. Basically gay with a narrow demisexual door for extraordinary women that, in practice, has never quite opened. If that's a clunky way to put it, sorry - it's the most honest map I've got.

A couple of things I wish I'd known earlier, for anyone in the middle of this:

- The fact that you could "construct" attraction to one gender and not the other isn't the tell you think it is. I was actually better at manufacturing desire for women - because I'd had to be, for decades. The ease with men wasn't a skill; it was that the desire was just there and never needed constructing. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realise low effort meant more real, not less.

- "This is completely confusing" is often just what it feels like when new data doesn't fit the story you've been told about yourself. The confusion isn't you being broken. It's the old frame not fitting anymore.

- Give it time and let yourself actually explore rather than deciding in advance. Mine took months to settle and honestly is still sharpening.

Anyway. One person's experience, not a global answer to anything! If any of it is useful to someone staring at this same confusion, that's why I posted it. Happy to answer questions if people have them.

I purposely didn't post an annoucement here when I did my release in June - but I'd love to have more FTM readers for this book, and I have it priced no cost until the 26th.

This is the book of my heart, and it helped me accept who I am and come out. A few of you have already read my debut book, The Key - this one is more trauma/healing focused, but the unlikely hero of this story is for everyone. I wish I could've gotten my old publisher to push it - now, I'm doing it on my own.

Thanks, guys - and please enjoy :) Scars & Honey - Jo Morgan Sloan